Thursday, February 21, 2008

the blog juicer

yes, i know the time has passed for "brokeback" humour but since heath ledger's time has passed i feel it's time for a homophobic re-imagining of "brokeback" jokes. to be fair, this isn't really a joke, it's more of an observation but has anyone else noticed that heath ledger's character's name is "ennis?" am i crazy or was there never a mention of how crazily close his name is, to not only "penis," but "anus?" and, you know what happens when penes get too close to anuses...brokeback!!!! of all the tired, lame jokes going around i don't believe i ever heard any allusions to this. if this was, indeed, mentioned i apologize for this superfluous blogging.

no more bottled water - it's a sham, a crock, a bunch of poppycock. it's the most spurious marketing ploy since the pet rock. we're a bunch of morons, we're spending hundreds of dollars a year on...water?!?!?! i've been drinking tap water all my life and aside from my inexplicable balding and my litany of social and psychological maladies i'm as healthy as an ox. i know there are a bunch of bumblefart areas out there where you can't drink water from the tap because it's all bucolic or whatever, but i'm talking about us city folk, mostly. the difference between tap and bottled water is no less than the difference between "froot loops" and "fruity o's." if you must have your agua on the go, buy a thermos, water bottle, canteen or something. besides, this is for the hippies, think of all the plastic bottles out there that are causing global warming - melting glaciers and ripping holes in the o-zone layer. what would al gore ii do?

i always see infomercials for these new fangled exercise machines like the "ab juicer" or the "butt booster" with these super fit people with like 14 packs and how "easy" these contraptions are to use. of course it's easy when you have these juiced up adonises and she-men using the machinery! show me some fatso slob doing crunches with the ease of the men on the flying trapeze and then i'll be impressed. here's my suggestion: dig up william howard taft's fat carcass, strap him into the "ab juicer" and you'd be moving merchandise like it's going out of style.

i listen to a lot of talk radio (from like 6am to 530pm - so almost 12 hours a day) and i don't understand how these call-in shows worked without cell phones and the internets. we've probably only been going five years where everybody has a cell and the internet and i know for a fact these type of shows have been going on well before these technological advances. when else would you be able to call in if not in your car or at work on the computer? listening to talk radio and actually calling in is one of those things it seems you'd only do while driving or working in a cubicle. i can't imagine how else this would occur - it did though, and for a long time. i can just picture some lonely schlub, sitting in a dark room all day listening to talk radio and calling in from his land line. how weird is that? i can't exactly explain why they have to be in a "dark room," but they do. they simply must be alone, in a dark room.

ba dum BLOG!!!

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