Wednesday, February 27, 2008

invisible blog in the sky

have you ever noticed how some people pronounce certain words differently? i'm not talking about accents either - i'm not sure what it is but it really annoys/intrigues me. for example, you have "milk" and "pillows" where people will pronounce them "melk" and "pellows," with a short "e" sound rather than a short "i." or, some people will say "cra'n" instead of "craYON" - they like apostraphize or contract it for some reason. some weird pronunciations seem to belong to certain groups - like the blacks. they pronounce "length" like "lenth" with a short "e" rather than "lAngth" with a long "a." or, they'll say "iggles," with a short "i" instead of "eagles." i checked all the audio pronunciations on and some of these alternative pronunciations are actually considered "correct." although, my ways are all listed first - of course.

can you believe all the hubbub over the "barrack in muslim clothes" pictures? i think the thing that bothers me the most is that people actually think that being muslim is any wackier or worse than being christian or any other religion. sure, islam might be worse overall but anytime anyone does anything in the name of an invisible wizard in the sky and his magical land of the dead is nuts - whether it be good or bad. i can't wait till we, as peoples, are evolved enough to look at christians who give up chocolate for lent, jews with their curly sideburns, hindus with their magic carpets and muslims with their suicide bombs with equal contempt and judgment - seriously though!

you see how only foreign actors won oscars this year? you know why that is, right? it's because american actors look good first and then learn to act as a mere formality. europeans are a little more evolved than us cowboy americans and see things a little more sensibly. they put the acting ahead of the looks and not the cart before the horse, if you will. guys like brad pitt and george clooney are decent enough actors but do you think they'd ever be able to preen and mug in europe? heck no! nor would tilda swinton or daniel day lewis be given a chance to ham it up in america. the more i think about this theory the less water it holds but whatever...i'm just bitter for being jowly, balding and american :(

during my lunch break i walked to the park next door and read because i'm cerebral. anyway, as i was sitting on a bench reading i saw little green birds in the tree above me. were they parrots??? i was sooo excited!!! how did the parrots appear in a park in la? did they escape from a zoo? were they someone's pets? what if they mated, would we have a whole bunch of parrots in la??? it'd be like the tiki room - in la! i shared my discovery once i got back to work and one guy said they were parakeets. so i wikipedia'd parakeets and they're little parrots which means maybe la CAN turn into the tiki room!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

sometimes mens look like womens

this is a non-traditional blog (in terms of the method in which i normally blog) where i mostly blog through the magic of picture rather than the power of word. anywho, blogmark this blog for this blog will be updated periodically - on a need to blog basis.

editor's note: i apologize for i cannot figure out how to line up these stupid pictures correctly and i'm about to kill myself over frustration. also, the blogger's nemesis, perez hilton, called to attention the daniel noriega/jessica alba uncanniness this morning but said blogger saw it first. although, the blogger would still admit that not all of these likenesses are of his own discovery.

sarah silverman

my roommate dave

david ortiz

heavy-set black woman from "good times"

carrot top

jeanne tripplehorn

danny from "american idol" aka the new sanjaya

jessica alba


carrot top (he really looks like a chick)

mike dunleavy

pat summit

julia stiles

scott rolen

mary poppins (w/ soot on face...racist?)

farnsworth bentley (p-diddy's man-slave)

stuart townsend

keira knighltey

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

it's my blog relaunch party!!!!

welcome to my blog relaunch party!!! i can't rightly say why i'm moving my blog from myspace to but i think it's mostly a self-serving, ego-maniacal move. knowing that just my 'space friends and a few 'space strangers were reading my blogs just wasn't good enough for me - i needed more!!! will this provide a bigger forum? i'm not sure, but i think it will and i've been led to believe by knowledgeable, internets insiders that it will. plus, doesn't my blog look super cool now with all the crazy pictures and pretty colours? perhaps i'm blogging too close to the sun on wings of internets... either way, please read all of my old blogs that i painstakingly re-blogged on my new blog so you can learn to hate me all over again. oh, and don't worry, i'll post some new blogs as soon as my fingers work out all the kinks and cramps from copy and pasting all weekend.

insincerely yours,

p.s. this is what the alphabet would look like without the 'q' and the 'r' and i think i'll still post my blogs on the 'space, but only because i'm too scurred that there are people out there as lazy as me and won't travel all the way to my new blog and i don't want to lose readers.

ba dum BLOG!!!

douche blog

after years of just throwing "douche" and "douche bag" around willy nilly it occurred to me that i really have no idea what a douche is. now, i knew it had something to do with a girl's naughty bits and its hygiene but beyond that - not a clue. is it an actual bag or a kit, which contained various soaps and other sundry supplies, was it like a sponge or did it even exist at all? in times of curiosity and various degrees of ignorance i'll refer to the veritable cornucopia of knowledge that is the wikipedia and nothing says class like typing "douche bag" into the wikipedia search engine. of course, the wikipedia had a very thorough description which included pictures, history and instructions. i'll leave the gory details to your own leisure but now i know.

i was just thinking about how hard it must be to be a baby. you have to learn how to talk, walk and poop in toilets in a matter of a few years. if i was presented with that difficult of a task today i'd never make it. and, not only do you have to learn how to talk - you have to learn a whole language. and, before you can even talk, all you can do is cry to get attention and i'm sure all that crying hurts your throat and makes you cry even more. it's amazing there aren't more baby suicides.

i went to the dry cleaners for the first time in my life yesterday. i was super nervous because i thought for sure that it'd be difficult and the guy would give me crap because i didn't know what to say or do, but it went fine. it was actually pretty cool - i felt like jerry seinfeld because my only knowledge of dry cleaners is from jerry going in episodes of "seinfeld. " i felt very cosmopolitan and urbane.

my dreams are vivid and crazy and i actually remember most of the details the next day. one recurring dream i've been having is where i need to pee in real life so i pee in my dream and i always wake up freaked out because i think i might've wet my bed but i didn't which is cool because that means my brain is more powerful than my bladder. another dream of note was where i was grocery shopping and decided to only buy items which were red like apples, boxes of ritz crackers, hawaiian punch etc. and seeing if the check out person would say anything when i rolled through with a cart full of red. i woke up thinking why can't i think of these things while i'm awake and how amazing it is that i'm even more clever asleep than i am awake. btw, when i pee in my dream it's never in a toilet, but on an eight-year-old boy...jk, omg, lol.

ba dum BLOG!!!

hanoi blog

how hilarious would it be if paris hilton had a kid and named it "hanoi" because she thought "hanoi hilton" was one of her relatives and a great and influential person? i think that would be the single most hilarious thing to ever happen and the world would just go kablooey because it couldn't handle the pure, unadulterated hilarity of it all. the best part is that this is completely plausible.

i'm tired of all the "groin" talk. whenever someone shoots themselves there, gets hit there during a sporting event or is referenced during a court preceding it's always the "groin/groin region." we have so many great, funny, descriptive names for the "groin region;" let's use them. even the technical names like "penis," "testicles," "gonads," "scrotums," and "scrotum sack" are hilarious. but we also have less formal gems such as "junk," "balls," "nuts," "'nads," "dork," "dick," "cock," "weiner" and so on. seriously, how great would it be watching a football game and hear dan dierdorff or madden say "yikes, t.o. just got hit right in the dork!"

would it kill hillary to eschew the pant-suit for a skirt just once? it doesn't have to be a too-hot-to-trot leather booty skirt or anything either, but a long, old-lady ankle skirt or something. hillary and barrack should strike a deal; she wears a skirt and barrack robs a liquor store - racist??? back to the skirt though; this is a scary precedent hillary is starting. if women stop wearing skirts how will we know the difference betwixt the little boy's and little girl's rooms? next thing you know, little girls will be squatting in urinals and little boys will be dropping deuces on those vanity couches women's have.

i think i'm gonna' get a facial. no, not like a porno facial but one where i go to a salon and have a korean chick or gay dude cleanse my pores with various topicals and creams - preferably with french nomenclature and/or made of kiwis and rain forest water. i probably have some blackheads in my nose that've been there since junior high that are due for their comeuppance.

ba dum BLOG!!!

blog behind the curtain

everyone keeps saying "eli came into his own." which, if you really think about it, means absolutely nothing. seriously, what does that even mean? anyway, have you ever tried saying that phrase in the present tense, like "i'd like to come into my own one day." i'm not going to get into the specific implications of how dirty this sounds but a phrase i haven't heard that changes so much from the past to the present tense.

i know everyone has a hard on for "the family guy" but that show is seriously overrated. it's funny, but there's not much to it. i think that's why it's so popular in college life; the viewing experience is no different whether you're drunk, high, hungover or using it as background noise to drown out the sounds of sex. on the flip side, a very underrated show is "the king of the hill" and much the superior to "the family guy." i never watched it much but it's always playing when i'm at the gym. can you believe it's been on for 12 seasons??? the show has an actual plot with storylines too - these are features "the family guy" eschews in lieu of bad jokes about 80s sitcoms.

what the hell is that "wait for it..." shizz everyone says? you know what i'm talking about; people use it to accentuate a punch-line and they'll say "wait for it....wait for it..." what is this from? is this from a movie or something? it's probably from some generic-ass comedy like "anchor man" or "wedding crashers." anyway, i hate that shizz and will no longer go along with it...i will not... wait for it...

another thing about the facebook, which i hate but use nonetheless, is that it needs a "tom." i'm not even really sure what tom does; he maybe owned the company, he maybe runs it, he maybe is just a figurehead but he's there and he's the proverbial fuzzy, cute and cuddly man behind the curtain. he brings humanity to myspace where the facebook is cold, callous, inhuman. booo faceboo!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

blog of milk and honey

i just saw joey fatone on the tv and it reminds me of how funny life is sometimes. back in the *nsync days j.c. was the "handsome one," justin was the "cute one," chris kirkpatrick was the "creepy one," lance bass was the "gay one" (yes, even then) and joey was the "fat one." FAT ONE = FATONE = FAT ONE!!! moments like this make me believe in god - but not really. still though, joey is probably the second most successful *nsync member and that's gotta' count for something!

can you believe that some people actually believe in horoscopes, astrology and the like? this may be even nuttier than believing in god and/or the stock market. i've heard people actually say "oh, you're a scorpio. no wonder we get along so well." wtf??? am i to believe the positioning of the stars as my skull crests actually predicts my social/economic triumphs and failures? if you go through every horoscope there's a little bit in each one that could apply to anybody. why are newspapers actually wasting trees and squids on this shizz? i'm writing tom and getting the sign's removed from our 'space profiles.

my dental woes continue... not only are my teeth still getting gappier by the day, my bite is all fubar now and my jaw is catching and clicking like i have tmj or something. seriously, you'd think after my teeth have been set in a certain place for ten years that they'd just stay that way on their own. now my jaw is even moving, which means my skull is moving...ughhh if i had half the resilience as my teeth had maybe i'd be at least be working at nbc or the cw by now.

poor britney. seriously, she has too many arabs in her life. it's like she's israel and is being overrun by blood thirsty muslims. a once fertile and peaceful land, literally touched by the grace of god, flowing with milk and honey is now war-torn, embattled and leaking oil. the parallels are clearly more than analogous.

ba dum BLOG!!!

pit of blog

have you seen these "i am sparta" previews. only stupid people see these movies, right? i swear, if it wasn't for all these "not another scary movies," "epic movies," etc. i think carmen electra would be homeless and selling her boobs on the e-bay. i saw the first "scary movie" and it was funny but that's because they had like 100 years worth of movies to make fun of. now, they crank like five of these things out a year based on a month worth of movies. maybe i'm old but i need a movie with a story to keep my attention. i can't sit though lame joke after lame joke strung together and punctuated by carmen electra and jenny mccarthy making out in a pit of jell-o.

i was thinking about it and i don't think i'd want to ever sleep unless i had nothing to do. even now, i get tired but i also get bored and i think the biggest reason for my sleeping is because i've run out of things to do for the day. when i was young i refused to sleep because i was always worried i was missing something so my mom bought me this "fraggle rock" book about wembley not wanting to sleep either. i was a weird kid; i remember i also went through this phase where i wouldn't eat and my poopoo eventually turned white.
editor's note: the above picture reflects the EXACT book said blogger was blogging about. unfortunately, he did not have access to pics of his white poopoo.

i feel bad about this whole heath ledger thing but the thing that resonates with me most is that i wish i had the balls to do hard drugs. drugs seem like a lot of fun but i'm just too scurred to do them. i know if i did cocaine my heart would probably explode because i'm too high-strung and nervous as it is. or, if i did mushrooms or acid, i'll probably do something really weird and kinky because my mind is so perverse and deranged. if i had no parents i'd probably do hard drugs but i'd just feel so bad if i died from drugs and they had to explain to everyone that their son was a drug addict and have everyone think they failed as parents .

apparently the stock market is crashing and i'm losing money in my 401k. i have a 401k but have no clue how much money is in it or how it even works. i don't even get the stock market. i think it's just gambling for rich white, educated people who don't like sports. i swear, there's probably just some carzy jew in the back room pulling a lever and that's all there is to the almighty stock market.

ba dum blog!!!


when i see all these teenagers with their cell phones and myspaces it really pisses me off because all i can think about is how agonizing it was to call a girl and try to get past her parents back in my tween/teen years. now, you can call a girl directly or just post a comment on her 'space. i really think if i had a cell phone and/or the internets during my formative years it would've all turned out different for me. i feel like i'm still at the stage where i'm using the internets as a crutch. if i had the internets/cell phone at like 12 or 13 i'd probably be able to talk to girls at grocery stores or the dmv by now.

trans fat has gotta' be fake, right? i don't think it was ever in any of those foods that claim "now, no trans fat!" i mean, they aren't necessarily lying, they're just saying "there is no trans fat in this bag of chips, now." and, i have to admit, i've fallen for it and eaten something just because it said "now, no trans fat!" i'm a sucker :(

ugh, i hate those mac commercials - from those ipod commercials with their trendy, hipster music to the ones with justin long and the fat guy from the daily show. i don't even understand what message they're trying to give. the mac (justin long) is disgustingly smug and smarmy while the pc (fat daily show guy) is funny and cuddly. what do you want: smug and smarmy or funny and cuddly?

i'm copyrighting all the rambotox jokes that will soon be hitting the late night circuit in honor of the new "rambo" movie. i made this joke up, it's mine. however, i just googled "rambotox" and there are like a million listings. i'm trite, banal and hackneyed...i am will ferrell :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

blog now, walk later

i'm of the philosophy that, when confronted with a crowded parking lot, i park early and walk far. i just don't get the whole driving around forever to find a spot that'd put you like 50-100 yds. closer (a football field is my only frame of reference when trying to measure distances). i just like walking and the less time i spend in the car, especially in a parking lot, the better. plus, i hate parking lot driving/drivers; the rules and regulations are very vague and it just seems like the most stressful/busy driving there is.

i watched the grammy's last night (mainly to see amy winehouse) but that kanye west is a lunatic. i mean, i love him, think his music is great and he's a fantastic preformer (LOOOVE his crazy light up glasses). however, i think he's the only person on the planet who's a big enough ass where i don't even feel sorry for him when he whines about his mama dying. amy winehouse is crazy too but she's mostly under the influence. on the other hand, kanye is all sorts of crazy all on his own ego maniacal, narcissistic accord.

i'm a weird dude but i really don't like live bands/concerts. i was at a bar in burbank this weekend and this 80s cover band started playing. one friend was bobbing his head, another was filming the band with his camera and i couldn't be more bored/annoyed. they were a perfectly fine band but live music in tiny bars is just too loud for me. plus, i don't want to be anywhere where i can't talk and be heard. it's the same reason why i don't like cool dude clubs. i just have things to say and am confident in the fact (yes, FACT) that there is no musical performance more interesting than my random/inappropriate musings and or observations.

i had a conversation last week in regards to the superbowl and i brought up randy moss and my conversational co conspirator had no clue who randy moss was. not only that but they didn't even offer an explanation or excuse of why they've never heard of him. in fact, they were a little haughty about it as if i were the crazy one for getting into a superficial superbowl convo and having the gall to bring up randy moss. anyway, i found myself on the other side of this faux pas this morning when talking about the grammy's and i didn't know who herbie hancock was. in fact, the only time i think i've ever heard of him before last night was in tommy boy when chris farley asked for someone's "herbie hancock," in lieu of john hancock. anyway, the first thing i did was look up herbie hancock on the wikipedia. see, that's why i'm such a GREAT conversationalist. i may not know how to do my taxes, bake a cake, change a tire or give a woman a proper orgasm but if a reference comes up in conversation that i'm not privy to i look it up asap, post haste.

ba dum BLOG!!!