Wednesday, May 28, 2008

adventures in cellular text messaging

a few months ago i met a drunk lady at a bar, we made an immediate connection and she gave me her digits. this is the actual transcript of a cellular text messaging dialogue we had a week later.

drunk lady
: hey honey sorry i missed your call...what are u up 2?

ba dum BLOGger
: nada. just got back from the gym. i figured if i had more muscles i wouldn't have to try so hard to be funny. how was your weekend?

drunk lady
: lol. do u want 2 come over and hang by the pool?

ba dum BLOGger
: shoot. i can't right now. you want to get something to eat later? also, i like when you call me "honey." makes me feel like i'm texting with my grandma.

drunk lady
: lol! i am with katya. can i bring her?

ba dum BLOGger
: sure. did i meet her?

drunk lady
: yes.

ba dum BLOGger
: wait. do you girls have bfs?

drunk lady
: nah.. we r kinda in early phases of relationships. doesn't mean we cant hang out.

ba dum BLOGger
: true. a cooler guy may be able to handle that but i am not that cool nor am i that guy. have a nice rest of your day!

drunk lady
: you don't want to be friends?!?!!?

ba dum BLOGger
: i already have enough friends (girls who won't have sex w/ me). no hard feelings. i still think u r a really neat lady!

drunk lady: okay. well good luck then... too bad.

drunk lady
: ur loss.

ba dum BLOGger
: ;-)

we would never cellular text message again...i will die alone :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, May 26, 2008

bloggers is dumb

beer drinkers is dumb. case in point: the coors' "cold activated bottle" where the mountains on the label turn blue when the beer is at "optimal coolness." is beer different from everything else we put in the fridge? look, just put whatever it is in the fridge for a couple of few and follow suit as you would with every other product in the world that is best served chilled, warm, lukewarm, piping or any other temperature goods are consumed at. see, beer isn't different; beer drinkers is. beer drinkers is dumb. do my lean cuisines need to glow red for me to know that they've been sufficiently microwaved? nooooo. does "sir issac lime" need to glow lime or "alexander the grape" need to glow grape for me to know that my otter pops are frozen? nooooo. how bored and desperate must the people at coors be to even have come up with such a lame and superfluous marketing ploy? beer drinkers is dumb. meanwhile, bloggers who know otter pop characters/flavours off the top of their head is genius.

people's "battles" with cancer are of great interest to me. especially since i'm attempting to chronicle wins and losses as to create "the definitive, comprehensive official cancer almanac." i'm just not sure how to score "winners" and "losers" sometimes. see, the title of "survivor" is just thrown about, willy nilly, to any old person who had cancer, doesn't have cancer anymore and is still alive. however, i'll contend that "survivor" does not necessarily equal "winner." i guess what i'm asking is how would i score a lady who lost a boobie but is still alive and what section of "the definitive, comprehensive official cancer almanac" would she fall under? clearly not "winners" but how can you have a legitimate sport without a clear delineation amongst "winners" and "losers?" we here at the home office of "ba dum BLOG!!!," by a vote of 1-0, have decided that these people are "losers." sexist? no, by virtue of the commutative and/or transitive property, dudes with one nut are "losers" too. my apologies to john kruk and tom green. what, not funny?

remember how in "dallas" when pat duffy wanted to leave the show to be a big movie star? well, they killed off his character (bob ewing) and ran a whole season of "dallas" sans bob ewing. however, no one wanted him to be in their movies so he came crawling back to "dallas," tail betwixt his legs. so, how did "dallas" explain a whole season of dead bob ewing? they just started off the new season with the last scene pat duffy was in before he died, two seasons prior, and said the previous season was just pam's (bob's wife) dream. well, i've decided my previous six or so months will be like this and while i'm not sure who bob is, who pam is, who "dallas" is and/or who the movie industry is but it's all gonna' be me. see, i don't want a rebirth and/or reinvention like the "madonna" or "the undertaker;" i want a mulligan like pat duffy. however, in lieu of "the madonna's" bindi, i will be sporting "the undertaker's" single black tear. ba dum BLOGger = tears of an ass clown (thank you, smokey robinson and chris jericho)... sad :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

12 greatest racial slurs of all-time

being a white, middle-class, testosterone-laden, american male i feel i am the best breed of peoples to blog on all things racial slurs. for one thing, because of my aforementioned progeny, i have never been affected by racism nor have i ever been the victim of any kind of discrimination whatsoever. hence, all my slur musings will be completely unadulterated and unprejudiced. every race will be represented (at least the important ones) and, as is my wont, i'll steer clear from the more well-known derogatorisms because i'm anything but cliché. oh yeah, i'd also be remiss if i didn't give the its just due in being my lone source for this blog. actually, that's not true - i'd also like to thank ignorance, hate and whimsy.

in alphabetical order

alabama blue gums
i like this slur because it sounds like an unaffiliated, double-a baseball club. and, with minor league baseball, one of of the main draws is its wacky promotional nights. for example, they can have a promotion where they hand out zillions of blue gumballs and encourage the fans to spit on the opposing team.

(east-central european)
this refers to ukranians who immigrated to america. i just think this is a strong sounding name. if there is a ukranian hollywood i'd imagine that a name like "stanley bohunk" would be the equivalent to such flashy, american screen names as "tom cruise," "vin diesel" and/or "englebert humperdink."

this sounds like an ingredient to an asian, pirate eye patch joke (you do the joke assembly line math). it also reminds me of joe scarborough and his gooey eyes. how do you take your cup o' joe???

(indian - dot, not feather)
i like when a whole group of people can be identified by their condiment of choice. it takes you back to a simpler time. or, it can be a homophobic reference to dr. frankenfurter's boy-toy. think about it...

dirt burglar
(white - oklahoman)
i think these are like squatters or something - back in the days of yore when dirt was an actual currency. think hamburgular. really, this was just the best white-american slur i could find. it's the affirmative action of derogatory, racial slurs.

gin jockey
(white - australian)
this is my favorite one - by far. it's so specific and specialized. wikipedia defines it as "a white person having casual sex with an aboriginal woman." now, what if said aussie was married to said abodiginal? (thank you, derek zoolander) would that be coo-de-la? and, where does the "gin" come in? aboriGINy???

like i blogged earlier; i love versatility. and, anytime you can have a blanket slur that covers two sets of people, it's a good thing. i'm not sure why latin speaking people are so associated with grease, but they are. is it a perspiration thing, a food thing or a hair product thing???

i'm sorry, but some words are just fun to say. i know, like all of these words, they have awful connotations and are steeped in hate and bigotry but you can't deny the phonetic glee that is "jigaboo." try it. go into a soundproof vault, an open field or a showing of "speed racer" and just let out a nice, hearty "jigaboooooo!!!!"

jim fish
(black - south african)
i'm just trying to find an instance or scenario where you can let out a guttural, hate filled "jim fish!" and have it project any sort of nasty connotation. "hey, you. jim fish!!! get back here and get what's comin' to ya!!!!" heck, wasn't "jim fish" one of those quirky, singin' and dancin' lawyers on television's "ally mcbeal?"

pancake face
creatively speaking, i have a bone to pick with this one. i feel it'd be a much more effective slur if it were "flapjack face" because aliteration makes it pop. thus, making it a little mo' betta' - as a slur. makes you wonder; would a pockmarked asian be a "waffle face?"

this slur makes me feel smart because it's a shakesperean, literary reference which i get. see, "shylock" is a jewish money lender in "the merchant of venice" and he's the guy who made phrases like "a pound of flesh" popular and had the famous "if you prick us, do we not bleed?" monologue.

this is the canadian version of the "wetback." famous "snowbacks" include pamela anderson, bret "the hitman" hart, and howie mandell. you ever notice how 90% of all comedians are either "snowbacks" and/or "shylocks?" funny.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editors note: i resign.

Monday, May 19, 2008

peck of pickled blog

mom and dad sent me to college not knowing a lot of things; i didn't know how to do laundry, i didn't know how to boil water, i didn't know how to make my bed, i didn't know how to download porno movies from the internets and, worst of all, i didn't know that pickles were cucumbers. i just always figured pickles were pickles because we have pickled eggs, pickled carrots, pickled pigs feet and a peck of pickled peppers. see, i think the title of "pickle" is somewhat of a misnomer and downright fraudulent because they should be called "pickled cucumbers." another thing, i've never even seen cucumbers as small as pickles before; are these baby cucumbers - "pickled baby cucumbers???" maybe this is why a stork is the mascot for vlasic pickles. see, my pickle ignorance begot stork delivering, pickled cucumber knowledge for all!!!

can you be both dumb and evil??? see, that's why i've never completely bought into being a full-on george w. bush hater like hippies and lesbians will want you to be. you can't have it both ways; anti-bush people need to pick one and just stick with it or else you are just contradicting yourself. the only person i can think of as being legitimately both dumb and evil is gargamel. however, he was smart enough to create smurfette but then, when she turned good, he wanted to destroy her like the rest of the smurfs. wait a second, kinda' like how america created saddam hussein only for him to turn evil and bush wanting to and destroying him through the sorcery of creating a silly war. like woah.

i don't understand the economy nor do i think it really involves me much. i hear it's bad now and i know gas is expensive and people can't sell their homes but that don't impress a me much (thank you, shania twain). but what does impress a me much is the trickle down effect that all things economical is having on fast food restaurants. you have the 5, $5 foot longs at subway, $5 deli favorites at quiznos and the new, under a dollar value meal at the taco bell. i think i even saw something cheap at boston market too but i'm not sure. see, i understand the economy: high gas prices and bad real estate market = cheaper fast food. yeah, economy - you think you're "bad" but do you have the touch? do you think you're elvis or something?

every good, innovative movie spawns horrible, copycat-ish movies. first we had "borat" as a foreigner-out-of-water sort of deal that was hilarious and now we'll have such unfunny summer fare attempting to capitalize on this phenomena with adam sandler in "don't mess with the zohan" and mike myers in the "love guru." who knows, maybe these movies will be good but i don't see it. foreign guys with funny accents and cultural naivety does a funny movie not make. sure, this genre existed before "borat" with movies like "coming to america" and "austin powers" but you can't tell me it's just coincidence that these two surface just a year after "borat." but see, adam sandler and mike meyers miss the point because "borat" wasn't about borat being silly but how stupid americans and american culture is. see, it happens in tv too; a year after "sex and the city" went off the air we were blessed with "the lipstick jungle," "cashmere mafia," and " the clitoris cartel."

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

van blog

line beards; why aren't we making fun of these more? why is this even seen as an acceptable way to cultivate facial hair? who started this? was it a.j. mclean of my and your "backstreet boys" from like 1998? watch, i guarantee we will be creating websites, novelty t-shirts and horrible sitcoms dedicated to line beards, much like we did for the mullet some 5-10 years ago (when it was still hi-larious to make fun of mullets). we're also way behind the curve in cutesy nomenclature for line beards in the same ilk we have these nicknames for again - the mullets. you know, like "business in the front, party in the back," "the ape drape," etc. these are my proposals for the line beard: "faux beard," "sharpie shave," "guyliner" (yes, i know we already use this for the male emos and their eye liner but i think it fits best here - let the emos use "manscara"), "blurrrd" (because if you blur your eyes it looks like a real beard?), "douche beard," "stencil scruff," and/or the "van dyck" (because we already have the "van dyke" as a type of facial hair and the guys with line beards are usually "dicks." oh, and the blacks are exempt from all this - when you can pull off purple suits, viking helmets, neck tattoos, iced grills and leopard print penny loafers you can pretty much do whatever the heck you want.

so, the pope says it's okay to believe in aliens. well, considering the pope also mentally and/or physically masturbates to the idea of a jewish carpenter rising from the dead and literally flying up to heaven, it makes sense. i mean, at least he's consistent. but this isn't about xtian bashing (friend of the blog, big joe, already chastised me for blogging too much of this - and he was right). this is about aliens. see, i totally believe in aliens and just think they are over evolved humans from a planet further along than us. i think the agreed upon, most popular vision of an alien is the one with the huge head, huge eyes, little body, white/grayish/greenish skin and long fingers, right? well, if we just keep on evolving, this description is exactly where we'll be in like a million some years. see, i took a ton of anthropology classes in college and every physical characteristic aliens have is consistent with basic evolution and common sense. first off, as we evolved from cavemen, our heads grew and our bodies shrank and/or atrophied. i can't remember if our heads actually grew or if it just looks like that because our bodies shrank but, either way, we used our heads more and created technology so our bodies would do less work and thus, atrophied. secondly, i seem to remember something about intelligence in species being related to eye to head size ratio (i can't find anything in a rudimentary googling search that substantiates this, but still...). then, we're all becoming paler because we're spending less time outdoors because of computers and, in the future, because of the sun/pollution. and finally, if you look at all our technology it keeps getting smaller and smaller thus resulting in our fingers becoming longer and more spindly. see???? aliens = over evolved humans. simple science.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: "ton of anthropology classes" hardly qualifies as being able to draw the ridiculous conclusions ba dum BLOGger draws.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

ba dum BLOGger jr.

this is exciting times for us here at the home office of ba dum BLOG!!!. one of my idiotic ideas is actually coming to fruition. do you remember way back when when (double "whens?") i blogged about creating an american idolesque show that revolved around writing and performing commercial jingles? so, guess what genius reality tv giant, mark burnett, is coming out with this summer. TA DAAA!!! how cool is that??? (thank you, bill walton) we here at ba dum BLOG!!! do not currently plan to press charges however, if dave coulier, the girl and/or howard brown are cast as judges, mark burnett should expect a serious shizzz storm.
my show
mark burnett's show

another ba dum BLOG!!! post-modern flashback/update!!! saw "iron man," solid movie, not great... but they managed to use the most cliche/lame-o action shot in the world. yes, the hero's casual, unflinching walk away from and explosion. remember when i blogged about this??? i hope you appreciate all the memory laning in this blog; i'm just making sure that you know that i know that you know how relevant and timeless my blogging is. oh, on a semi-related note, is there a pedagogical reason in the english language for the way superheroes utilize the surname "man?" for example, we have "superman," "iron man" and "
the 'xplosion
(also note all the fanboys' comments of how "coool" it is - lolzzz)
original 'xplosion

i remember back in high school my pals and i thought it would be hilarious if a computer virus was created called the "tom brokaw is gay" virus. this was back when "gay humour" was the end all and be all of our comedy lives. ("back when"...HAH!) oh, and also back when tom brokaw was still nbc's nightly news anchor - obviously. what if the virus was HUGE like the "michelangelo" virus or the "i love you" virus - these were all over the news. how would tom brokaw approach this? would he raise his hands and use "air quotes," say "whose name will remain nameless is gay" virus or would he suck it up (pun INTENDED) and roll with it? i tend to think he'd suck it up (pardon the pun), clear his throat, roll his eyes and be a pro about it because he's from north dakota and that's how north dakotians do.

when i have a son i will forbid him from ever throwing a football, catching a football, running with a football and/or sitting on a football (because, as we all learned in football practice - the football is not a chair, or was it the helmet that wasn't a chair?) is this because i'm worried about my son getting hurt or because i'm a jon lithgowian, "footloose"-esque, religious control freak (you know, because he made dancing illegal...) no, it's because my son is going to be the greatest kicker/punter in the history of the national football league (because it's illegal to simply call it the nfl). move aside ray guy, sorry morten andersen; ba dum BLOGger jr. will be the next great leg. why should he waste his time running, throwing, catching and tackling? only genetic freaks can make it in the national football league nowadays and, because of injuries and general suckiness, the average career is like two years. also, teams waste two roster spots on a kicker and a punter while my boy will do both. i think this new, super-hybrid position will be called a "kunter" or "picker."

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

14 worst moving pictures of all-time

i think i want to start blogging more definitive, comprehensive list blogs like my "men who look like womens" blog or my "top 10 hot women" blog from my 'space blog of yore. this will be a list of the "14 worst moving pictures of all-time." now, i could easily blog poetic on the "ishtars," "norbits," "caddyshack ii's," and/or "giglis" of the world but that'd be too easy and i'll also try stay somewhat current. and, as is my wont, i'll be a contrarion and blog the pictures that have had some degree of success; whether it be commercial, critical or fanboy-tastical. why the worst and not the best??? because it's waaaaay more fun blogging clouds than sunshine.

in alphabetical order


box office: $85,288,303
rotten tomatoes: 64%
this is a gateway movie in the sense where "anchorman" opened the door for will ferrell to star in a string of plotless, cookie cutter comedies which showcase his vacuous, inflectionless man-child character that america has grown to love. i don't even think this movie had a script; it was just will ferrell improvising nonsensical lines about "whale vaginas," "scotch" and "rich mahogany." plus, this is the kind of movie that perpetuates all those "movie quote dudes" who mindlessly recite inane movie lines in social settings because they have no personality and/or originality. it's sad that the best snl player of all time and a guy with genuine comedic talent has been reduced to this.

charlie and the chocolate factory
box office: $206,459,076
rotten tomatoes: 83%
this moving picture holds the distinct pleasure of being the only movie on my list i haven't seen, nor will i. for the most part, i refuse to see remakes. "willy wonka and the chocolate factory" is one of the greatest movies of all-time. why remake it? i could say the same thing for other brutal remakes such as "the texas chainsaw massacre," "the bad news bears" and "the longest yard." this just shows how the movie industry is waaay more concerned with making money than being groundbreaking or original. which is fine and it's their prerogative (thank you, bobby brown), it is a business after all, but remakes are seriously throwing a major wrench in the gears of the creative process.

box office: $137,355,633
rotten tomatoes: 32%
pound for pound this may be the worst movie on the list. for some reason adam sandler is a star and his movies make a TON of money. critics don' t like him but the people do - people are dumb. this movie tried to put the magical, adam sandler spin on the cliche "be careful what you wish for" theme. the results were terrifically unfunny and amazingly depressing. watching an abortion would've been more uplifting and funnier (especially poignant since abortions are already side-splittingly humourous).

box office: $54,580,300
rotten tomatoes:
yes, this movie won the oscar for best motion picture. this is one of those bleeding heart, liberal movies that sob about how racist we are. it is so ridiculously over the top that some parts were actually hilarious - like when matt dillon is on the phone with the heavy-set woman of colour or when he feels up the skinny woman of questionable colour. the whole thing was so condescending it came off like a cheesy, 70s after school special starring kristy mcnichol and robby benson.

dogma/jay and silent bob strike back

box office:
$30,652,890, $30,085,147
rotten tomatoes:
67%, 53%
kevin smith is hilarious if you ever hear him interviewed or see any of his speaking engagements but his movies suck - it's a strange dichotomy. sure, "clerks" was good but, if you watch it now, you'll realize that it was more different and unique than good. however, "dogma" and "jay and silent bob strike back" were especially bad. "dogma" was actually a pretty good idea but was ruined by chris rock and a "shit monster." then, in "jay and silent bob strike back," kevin smith took the single most worst thing from his movies (jay and silent bob) and created a whole "shit monster" centered around them. as an actor, jay makes chris rock look like sId poitier (continuing with the unspoken rule that you can only compare like races) and silent bob couldn't be less relevant and compelling if he were "invisible bob."

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
i love jews and whiny indie movies (no, i really do) but this picture was trash. this is one of those movies that every college kid says they like just to prove that they're hip. in college, "garden state" is to movies like "dave matthews" is to music. anyway, i didn't even get the plot - zach braff's character is a depressed actor who is still riddled with guilt over accidentally killing his mother when he's five. couldn't he have been depressed and guilty over something a little more subtle? and, even though he got sent away from home like a million years ago, everyone in town inexplicably remembers him at first glance. oh, and natalie portman's character - wtf??? i hate these movies where finding a gf seems to solve all of life's problems.

the last samurai
box office:
rotten tomatoes:
i hated this movie for the imperialistic, super offensive "great white hope" bent it had to it. so, you have tom cruise as an alcoholic civil war soldier who gets sent
over to japan to teach the army how to fight and somehow ends up with the samurai's who, in turn, teach him how not to be such a jerk and kick his alcoholism and then, when they all go to war, he ends up being the last samurai standing because, only after a few months of training, becomes a more effective samurai than all the japanese dudes who were practically born as samurais. seriously, how offensive must this be to the japanese? i mean, tom cruise of all people becomes the last living samurai?!?!?! this would be like a dinka becoming the last, great blogger.

nocked up

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
now, this movie is more overrated than "bad" per se but, with that being said, i think i lol'd out LOUD only once and knew exactly what was going to happen before i even saw the movie. gal gets pregnant, she's stressed, guy doesn't understand, girl exiles him, guy pulls it together, mad dash to the hospital where hilarious labor hijinx ensue, guy proves to the gal he's gots what it takes just as the baby crowns and the gal, vulnerable from pushing out a baby, falls for it. never mind, it was bad. also, the premise was so ridiculously unrealistic it angered me. look, i'm a wise-cracking, lovable loser and that NEVER translates into me scoring with a hot chick like that - and i'm not even fat plus, i have a 401k and benefits!!! plus, abortion wasn't even discussed. this is the situation abortions were mercifully made for.

oceans 12
box office: $125,544,280
rotten tomatoes: 55%
now, this movie was an excuse for clooney, pitt and the boys to play grab-ass and philander over international waters. however, that doesn't account for the writers and directors having julia roberts' character impersonate herself as a julia roberts impersonator (yeah, huh?) and having the fella's climactic attempt at stealing an egg thwarted - only to learn, in a post-climax flashback, that they already stole the egg and replaced the egg in an anticlimactic flashback which undercut the original climax. yes, it was an anti-climactic climax which followed a faux-climax which really wasn't very climactic to begin with (yeah, huh?). oh yeah, and we were all led to believe all subsequent action was manipulated just so catherine zeta-jones' character could meet up with her long lost papa (yeah, huh?).

pirates of the caribbean 2
and 3
box office:
$423,315,812, $309,420,425
rotten tomatoes: 54%, 45%
i have never been more confused by movies than i was while watching the second and third installments of "pirates of the caribbean." look, i've always been in the highest reading groups in elementary school, took ap and honours english and literature courses in high school and received a degree in communications from an accredited california university and i was still completely lost - by pirate movies?!?!?!? yet, these movies had nothing to do with piracy; booty stealing and ship commandeering were eschewed in lieu of voodoo, zombies, half-dead fish people, convoluted pirate law and order, upside down under worlds and a gigantic, pulsating heart. and, there were no stakes in the movies because every character died like five time over, always being saved by some pirate loophole so during all their death defying, swashbuckling stunts there were no stakes - rendering the plot moot.

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
this is the oldest and probably best moving picture in the bunch. see, it was a good movie in the sense that the story and pacino were so ridiculously over-the-top that it is a real fun and intentionally/unintentionally funny picture. however, the cultural relevance and reverence this movie holds in the hip hop community is ridiculous and totally underscores any validity it has. all these rappa's and gangsta's seriously look at tony montana's (no tilde button for my enyay) life as a blue print for success and that magical word - respect. c'mon people, tony montana was an egomaniacal, psychotic, homicidal, incestuous (albeit overtonal) no-good punk. this guy was hilarious and fun to watch but by no means should he hold the esteem he does. seriously, hip hop looks at this guy like he's michael jordan - only if michael jordan dies on a mountain of coke and riddled with bullet holes.

star wars 1,2 and 3

box office:
$431,088,301, $302,191,252, $380,270,577
rotten tomatoes:
64%, 67%, 79%
okay, i'm a dork and loove the original star wars trilogy (known in the fanboy world as the "o.t.") however, lucas turned these movies into an orgy of cartoony special effects wrapped around a convoluted plot about intergalactic trade laws and reduced darth vader into a punk, jealous, brooding teenager. look enough has been written about this but if you really want to sink your teeth into all that is wrong with the new trilogy, i'll refer you to this fanboy-tastical, awesome website.

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
holy mackerel, due to all the critical (like a bazillion oscars) and financial (highest grossing of all-time?) success this has to be the most overrated moving picture of all-time. first off, this is a love story which revolves around a ridiculously over the top evil and snidely whiplashesque bad guy (bill zane) who basically forces his fat and slutty girlfriend (kate winslett) to knock the boots with a twelve-year-old stowaway (leo dicaprio) who looks more like her nephew than the hunky hero who's tossing it in her pail. see, you'd think the story-tellers would be sensitive to the fact that kate winslett is a husky whore and try to draw as much attention away from it as possible, yet the main reason leo dies is because their hunk of flotsam and/or jetsam they're left to survive on isn't big enough to fit the 200 lb. kate and the 140 lb. leo. then, kate as an old bag, returns to the scene of the crime only to selfishly throw a piece of jewelery, which would probably fetch like a gazillion dollars for charity, over the edge of the ship. wtf?!?!?!?


box office:
rotten tomatoes:
this is the quintessential action movie that gets progressively and assuredly more boring and dumb for every second of mind-numbingly loud and visually painful, plot-killing action sequence. this movie also gave us a blisteringly hot tomboy, auto mechanic and female computer hacker of the same ilk - when we all know there is no such thing. then, the final action sequence of the moving picture occurs in a fictional city by the name of "mission city" which is complete with the skyline of downtown los angeles and a wilshire blvd. to boot. now, with all the special effects in the movie, why wouldn't they add or subtract a few buildings from the skyline or change the street sign so it doesn't read as "wilshire blvd.?" wait, what was i thinking? this movie is awesome! it features talking, alien robots that change into vehicles and make friends with social outcast humans!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Friday, May 2, 2008


do any of you people work in an office? well i do and there are three conversations i must inevitably indulge in - over and over again; on mondays it's of the "happy monday!" variety, tuesday through thursday it's any variation of "is it friday, yet?" and on fridays we get the tried and true "thank god it's friday (tgif - lolzzzzz)!" yes, this is the best these corporate, intellectual heavyweights can come up with. i really shouldn't be so annoyed by this because even a great conversationalist like myself can be prone to such banal banter. i really think it's merely a product of running into that guy in the hall you barely know, but have nothing to say to and don't want to be rude so you diffuse the awkwardness by creating some false comeraderie with a "ughhhh, it's monday..." although, i'm very cognizant of this and really, really make a concerted effort not fall prey to the doldrums that is the monday/tuesday through friday loquations.

what's going on with goat cheese? why don't we call regular cheese "cow cheese?" can there be cheddar, bleu and/or monterey jack goat cheese? how about gouda goat cheese? (comedy 101: alliteration = lolzzz) the implications of goat cheese are kinda' disturbing as well. since the cheese isn't identified by traditional cheese nomenclature, are we to assume that the flavor is "goat?" yuck! how about breast milk? can we make cheese out of breast milk? would it be "breast cheese," human cheese" or "tit cheese." i like "tit cheese" because it's provocative. i think a nice provocative "tit cheese" would go well with some red wine and the novelty "boobie pasta" you can get at "spencer's." woah, i just realized that "spencer's" the store and spencer from "the hills" have a lot in common. i'll let you make the connection while i revel in the genius that is stream on consciencing from "goat cheese" to "spencer pratt."

look, i have no problem with the marijuana and would vote for its legalization - if i voted. i even went through the obligatory, short lived pot phase in college when i was trying to find myself. and now, i'll even puff the pipe and/or blow the bong from time to time but now it makes me incredibly weird(er) so i try to avoid it. anyway, with pot being illegal, i don't get how things like "high times" can exist or why celebrities feel so free to wax poetic on it in all sorts of media. isn't a publication like "high times" akin to hypothetical periodicals which glorify other illegalities such as "juicy jimbo" (steroids), "peach fuzz illustrated" (pedophilia) and/or "bleeders digest" (bloodletting)? couldn't the dea just thumb through "high times" and book these dannos one by one? or, when celebrities speak freely on their pot usage, couldn't the narcs also turn the screws to get to their dealer or whatnot? look, it's ridiculous that pot is illegal and maybe the country's collective blind eye to it is indicative of their concurrence with this but i just don't see it. it just seems like all these fuddy duddy political types would be chomping at the bit to use these outlets to bust some hippies.

have you seen the preview for this "what happens in vegas" moving picture? okay, first off, the czar says "NYET!" to all references to the "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" verbiage - consider it retired. okay, back to bidnesss. in this preview, they feature a scene where ashton kutcher meets cameron diaz's boss and his name is "richard banger" to which the incredibly witty and clever kutcher responds with "i guess that makes you 'dick banger'." really, this joke made it into an actual hollywood movie which cost millions upon million of dollars to make. and, this joke is noteworthy enough to make it to the trailer. "dick banger" doesn't even make any sense. what is this "dick" banging? is this a euphemism for intercourse or solitaire? (yes, i'm so smitten with my own blog that i feel i can freely drop "solitaire" and everyone knows what i'm blogging about, thank you) if it were sex, it'd be "cooter banger" and you don't really "bang" anything during solitaire, do you? ugh, am i really stooping to the level of analyzing this "joke." i'm embarassed for everyone.

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