Wednesday, December 16, 2009

ho, ho, blog

now, of course, the bible's xmas story never happened and is a complete act of fiction but that doesn't mean it's not interesting and that some aspects of it aren't at least blog worthy, right? one of my favourite parts of the story involves the three wisemen. so, these fellas see some star in the sky of which heralds the birth of the saviour and they decide to schlep across the desert bearing gifts (more on these "gifts" later). however, these wisemen aren't all that wise because, while they may know about the star, they don't know where jesus is being birthed. this leads them to jerusalem where they ask king herrod where the messiah is being born. of course, king herrod isn't even aware that a messiah is being born but his officials knew enough of the fairytale within the fairytale to know that it would all be going down in bethlehem. unfortunately, the not-so-wisemen weren't prescient enough to realize that king herrod was a nut and would be jealous of a new king. and, of course, this leads herrod to have all baby boys within the vicinity of bethlehem, two years and under, to be slaughtered. good looking out, wisemen!!! i also like how the "two years and under" part suggest that the wisemen were a few years late to the birth... i mean, lolzzz, right? then there's the gifts... and what did these men of infinite knowledge bestow upon the son of god? gold, frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh. yes, myrrrrrrrrrh. lame-o!!! talk about the proverbial coal in the stocking. sure, maybe joseph could take the gold to the pawn shop but frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh? how about a rattle, a tickle-me-elmo or a schtickle of nouget? frankincense is like perfume and myrrrrrrh is an embalming oil for, you know, like dead people. maybe the myrrrrrrh is for all the dead baby carcasses on the hands of the wisemen. three wisemen??? more like the three stooges!!!

call me a scrooge or a shylock but i only buy xmas presents for the five people i will be seeing on xmas; of whom are my mom, dad, brother, grandma and grandpa. that's it, i'm sorry. and i buy them hella presents - like, hella good presents. i spoil them and i know them well enough so i know exactly what to spoil them with. it's a good, capitalistic time had by all. i don't buy my neighbours presents, i don't buy my colleagues presents, i don't buy my friends presents and i don't buy my mailman presents. i'm not going to waste my time and money on generic chatskie like snowglobes, cheese wheels and/or blockbuster gift cards. i even refuse to participate in something as innocuous as a "secret santa" because i can't deal with the awkwardness of receiving things from people who do not know me well enough to get me something i'd actually like and be grateful for. of course, every year i'll invariably get a gift from a friend, a neighbour, a colleague and/or a mailman and this is what i call "the gift of guilt." even if the gift was good, which it never is, i'll feel more guilt than anything else because i have NOTHING for you. i have enough self-inflicted, well-deserved guilt as it is and don't need to be bogged down by superfluous and completely unnecessary guilt. but really, why do these people continue to offer up empty little, meaningless trinkets to acquaintances? does this make them feel good about themselves? maybe they don't have a bomb-ass family like mine to spoil. or, most likely, i'm probably just a colossal douchebag - like the bad kind, not the hygienic kind.

more fun with the xmas story!!! please, consider the ballad of the innkeeper. yes, the fabled innkeeper of yore who had the chutzpa to send away a panicked husband and his ready to burst, virgin wife (nope still hadn't schtuped her! yes, joseph is probably the biggest schlemiel in the history of life.) who is, oh btw, carrying the son of god! do you think joseph mentioned this as he was pleading their case to the innkeeper? i could just picture mary shrieking from their amniotic fluid soaked camel, "TELL HIM I'M CARRYING THE MESSIAH!!!" this reminds me of the scene in "curb your enthusiasm" when cheryl is demanding that larry tell the hostess of a crowded restaurant that he's the co-creator of "seinfeld" in order to get a table. anyway, do you think the inn was really all out of rooms? i tend to think not. i'd bet that the innkeeper didn't want one of his rooms all gooed up by the miracle of birth. really, can this story get any more jewish? you have your nebbish husband, your domineering wife who thinks their son is perfect (LITERALLY PERFECT) and a super cold and heartless businessman who only cares about the almighty dollar. have neil simon or woody allen done this yet? i also like to imagine that there's some sort of afterlife where like minds from different eras are able to freely discuss life's great happenings. for example, i'd love to be a fly on the wall when ol' connie hilton, howard johnson and the innkeeper talk shop:
connie hilton: you mean to tell me you sent away the virgin mother and the son of god to be birthed in a manger?!?!?!?
howard johnson: did i mention that i led the league in hr and rbi in 1991?
the inkeeper: (imagine the voice of jackie mason) i mean, c'mon... the old messiah trick??? i may have been born at night but not last night. besides, i had just purchased new linen. do you know how much linen cost in 1 ad israel??? white linen - thirty-two-count white linen!!!

you know that song, "baby, it's cold outside" is about date rape, right? well, it is and if you carpool with me you can stop reading right now because you've heard the same twelve minute, detailed rant on the subject whenever the song comes on the radio. basically, this guy and gal are on some sort of a date at the creep's bachelor pad, the night is winding down, the gal says she gots to go and the guy rebuffs each one of the girl's excuses with a creepy, "but baby, it's cold outside..." here are the lyrics if you don't believe me with the most incriminating lines highlighted (or, is it highlit?).
i really can't stay

(but baby it's cold outside)
i've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
this evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
so very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
my mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
my father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
so really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)
the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell (i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)
both:baby it's cold out side
i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)
my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delicious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunt's mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicious)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)
i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got pneumonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)
both: baby it's cold outside
the cad puts something in this poor gal's drink!!! it's plain as day!!! YUCK!!! i mean, really, could this guy be any creepier? he just won't take "no" for an answer and only gets somewhere after he offers her a doctored drink. he won't even let her finish a sentence! how is it that no women groups have stumbled upon this??? and, as a man with zero game, i refuse to believe there was nothing in her drink and his creeptastic advances were enough to bed this nice young lady. i guess that's what offends me most - i am a sad and lonely man :0(

ba dum BLOG!!!