Monday, June 29, 2009

ba dum POD!!! episode 6: my weekend in davis

this was my best pod EVER! and, i'm not just blogging that either. i was super prepared, i had four pages of notes, a topical subject like michael jackson, a somewhat linear story about my trip to uc davis where i partied with college kids and enough off-topic stream of consciousing to make you go plaid. my first repeat fill-in guest, lee mcdole, was great and producer dave is the model of consistency and excellence - he deserves a medal, really. speaking of medals, isn't it funny how "medal" and "metal" should and could be the same word since medals are metal. no wonder all the illegal aliens can't learn english - it's confusing! so, if podding poetic about spectrums of molestation, my hatred of pets, yogurt and road rage sound like a fun way to spend an hour or so of your time then ba dum POD!!!, a podcast, just might be for you.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

milking the blog

apropos of absolutely nothing, this seemingly innocuous baloo and rebecca pic from a blog about the similarities betwixt "talespin" and "cheers" i blogged over a year ago has garnered me even more hits than my hermione see-through panties blog/publicity ploy. see, i get a report which shows me how people (perverts) find my site via google searches and i get AT LEAST one hit a week via baloo, rebecca and "talespin" themed google image searches. for example, just last week i had a visitor (pervert) from ringkobing, denmark who found ba dum BLOG!!! through a google search of "rebecca baloo porn." nuts, huh? i swear, similar searches such as "shirtless baloo," "talespin sex," etc. have also been used. that stupid picture has been found gold for me and that's why i'm shamelessly posting it yet again. other popular searches which lure a many wayward, internet surfers (perverts) to ba dum BLOG!!! are "native american midgets," "funny racial slurs," "miriam mcdonald crossed legs" and a pic of lance loud from my "top 11 greatest mtv shows of all time" blog. how did YOU find ba dum BLOG!!!, perverts?

what's in a name? is there a more generic way to start a blog about names? no... let's get to it! how strange is it that there's a former major leaguer named heathcliff slocumb as well as a professional golfer named heath slocum? or, what are the odds that there was both a jack youngblood and a jim youngblood who both played for the los angeles rams on the defensive side of the ball from 1973-1983 and weren't even related? also, in a similar story of similarly named futbol americanos from the same team were billy joe hobert and billy joe tolliver who were both quarterbacks for the new orleans saints from 1998-1999. then you have these completely authentic and unadulterated aptronymic names such as professional poker player, chris moneymaker, nascar racecar driver, scott speed and san francisco dentist, dr. leslie plack. and, i'd be remiss if i didn't draw attention to some of the more unfortunately named characters such as john wayne bobbit, who infamoulsly got his penis bobbed by his street-rat carzy wife, and michael milken who is the chairman and founder of the prostate cancer foundation. these are just the names i could come up with off the top of my head - i'm sure y'all know some whimsically, coincidental and apt names, too. hey, you should post them in the comments section!!! yeah???

this may resonate more with people from my hometown of salinas, california but i believe this might be a common phenomenon in most big fish, small town cities: "the lake"... ahhh yes, the ambiguously titled hot spot simply known as "the lake." ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. of course, being far removed from the cool crowd and having parents who had no friends and having no family from the area, i had no clue what my hs classmates were talking about when they casually referred to their water skiing, drunken boating, high school hookup fests that were weekends camping out or in their parent's cabins at "the lake." "what lake?" i naively asked. lake tahoe, lake michingan, lake titicaca??? ohhh, lake san antonio... of course! as was my wont, i'd snarkishly reply "oh, you mean 'a lake.'" then, as luck would have it, i was actually invited to "the lake" for said high school hijinx. here's the long of it: rode up there with some dude i've never met before where i had to hear about all of his drunken exploits and all the girls he's hooked up with for the 2 1/2 hour trek to "the lake" when i, myself, had never even attended an after school event with alcohol present nor have i gotten anywhere past first base with a gal since i madeout with my neighbour's cousin (a girl) in a shed when i was 13-years-old, then i ended up being the fifth wheel w/ two other couples for the majority of the trip since my carpool "buddy" spent most the weekend vomitting up beer and red licorice (of which i stepped in), then i nearly had an asthma attack ignited by a panic attack while trying to climb into an innertube being pulled by a boat because i can't swim and then, to top it off, got called a "faggot" by a neighbouring camp of rowdy boys because i was wearing my friend's gf's puffy pink jacket because i was cold. i HATE "the lake."

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: hang on kids, the podcast recounting ba dum BLOGgers trip to uc davis will be released early next week.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

ba dum POD!!! episode 5: the super deluxe peanuthead edition

failure to plan is planning to fail... or something like that. meaning: i really need to start jotting down a few more notes or creating some sort of an outline so i'm not in a constant state of panic in trying to move the conversation along. with that blogged, episode 5 is in the can and it's probably our most vulgar and offensive pod to date. look, we're not trying to be provocative for provocative's sake but, believe it or not, this is what my friends and i talk about and how we speak to eachother outside of the pod. for better or for worse, this is us. so, if clouds, kimchi, degeneration x, merkins, bark barks and jo talk are your bag then this pod is the pod for you. my first guest is mikey *last name witheld* and we also have a bonus 15 minute pod, which was podded about a month ago, tacked on to the end with guest, alex gibbs. see, alex is mikey's best pal from san francisco so producer dave and i deemed it appropriate to release these two together. also, both guests were over served so keep that in mind as well.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: at the time of the pod, mikey's cheeseburger consumption was at two... by the end of the day it ballooned to five.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

monkey blogs

does anyone else find it odd that goodyear tires is most well known for it's eponymous blimp which is a vehicle that uses no tires? shouldn't their mascot or advertising icon be like a monster truck or a hockey puck? are blimps even comprised of any rubber? this would be analogous to cap'n crunch being a rear admiral, general electric using a battery for a logo or me being an anology writer for the sat's when these pathetic examples are the best i could come up with. also, goodyear's actual logo is one of those winged, mercury feet which again goes against the whole tire concept. why would mercury ever use tires if he had winged feet and could fly? heck, i don't think rubber was even discovered when mercury was around. i guess this is why goodyear is third in the tire industry behind bridgestone and michelin... eat it, bf goodrich!

a "delicacy" is kinda like a misnomer where its true meaning is masked by giving it a more grandiose or politically correct name. it's kinda like how a "baker's dozen" glorifies the fact that bakers aren't very educated and don't know how to count and/or how an "old wive's tale" is a folksy way of dressing up some senile, old coot's alternative methods to science. anyway, back to delicacies... a delicacy is basically a nice word for the f'd up shizz weird cultures eat. for example, monkey brains are a delicacy in the congo, fish eyeball soup is a delicacy in vietnam, snails are a delicacy in france and/or placenta is a delicacy in hong kong. NEAT, huh? what would be considered an american delicacy where most the world would cringe and dry heave at the mere thought of it. maybe twinkies or rocky mountain oysters are examples of american delicacies. or, even better, hot dogs may be the most delicate of american delicacies. think about it, jews and muslims can't eat pork because their "god" considers it an abomination and hot dogs are comprised of all the nastiest, leftover pork items like pig lips and buttholes and stuff. really, since jews, xtians and muslims all kinda worship the same god, maybe jesus' biggest accomplishment wasn't opening up the gates of heaven or being a jewish carpenter but allowing his followers to indulge in pork products while the other middle eastern religions can't. OINK!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

blogs suck

vampires are IN right now! and, the two most popular literary incarnations are the "twilight" series (books/movies) and "true blood" (tv series) which is based on "the southern vampire mysteries" (books). first off, "twilight" sucks (pun INTENDED!)... awful, cliched and amateurish writing. i saw the movie and have actually read three of the four books for reasons i can't rightly explain. it's kind of like how my mom made orange roughy for dinner for a year straight when both her and my dad hated it and she has zero explanation for it to this day. anyway, i just watched the "true blood" show on my dvd machine and it proved to be everything "twilight" could've been only if a mormon chick with an iq of 78 didn't write it. really, just for the mere fact that "true blood" showed anna paquin's boobies makes it infinitely better all on it's own. with that blogged, it's uncanny how similar the characters/storylines are. first off, when stephanie meyer, who wrote "twilight" in 2001, claims that the story "came to me in a dream," she's CLEARLY lying. peep this ruckus on the similarities betwixt the three main characters and respective love triangles:

true blood '01 v. twilight '05
sookie (main gal) v. bella (main gal)
mindreader - new girl in town
falls in love w/bill because she can't read his mind - falls in love w/edward
r'ship w/bill puts her in constant danger - r'ship w/edward puts her in constant danger

bill (vampire) v. edward (vampire)
new dude in town - mindreader
falls in love w/sookie - falls in love w/bella because he can't read her mind

sam (3rd wheel) v. jacob (3rd wheel)
sookie's good friend - bella's bestfriend
unrequited love for sookie - unrequited love for bella
shapeshifts into a dog - werewolf

in a similar vein (pun INTENDED!), hollywood needs to get together and have some sort of a "vampire summit" where they agree upon the rules and mythology of vampires. every vampire story wastes too much time discrediting some myths while indulging others. for example, "twilight" vampires have no fangs and shine all sparkly like in the sun where "true blood" vampires do have fangs and burn to death in the sun. then, you have even more complicated matters as it pertains to life and death: how does one kill a vampire or how would one become a vampire? we have garlic, silver bullets, wooden stakes, crucifixes, holy water, the sun, simply biting the neck, draning the human's blood entirely, biting just long enough to infect the human without killing them and so on. these are important issues that need consistency! what if humans were willy nilly hatching from eggs or breathing in water from a movie to movie basis? would it be so hard to just agree to a set of vampire maxims and stick with them? or, what if some blogger went on to blog about how similar two vampire stories are while also complaining about how inconsistently different they are?

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, June 8, 2009

ba dum POD!!! episode 4

what more can be blogged... really? these little blog-ups are starting to feel a bit redundant because the pod really speaks for itself, literally. it was a good podcast... conan o'brien bailed on me at the very last second so our fill-in guest this week was my best good gal pal, janai. we chatted up all the essentials; abortion, marijuana, all the girls i've concussed and, of course, napoleon bonaparte. so, if this description seems a little general (GET IT?!?!?!?) don't just take my blog for it, listen to the pod... for realzzz. oh, and if you have any questions you want answered in pod or want to be a possible fill-in guest, let me know and i can either ignore you or use you and your ideas. NEAT!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

ba dum POD!!! episode 3

the thing with podding is that once you say it, you say it and, with that blogged, you only have a second to say it... you don't have a whole lot of time to find the right word. see, with blogging, i can blog it, read her over, reblog it, pull up, do a little wikipida'ing or even chose to ultimately delete what i've blogged in lieu of publishing it. podding doesn't afford you that luxury and producer dave can only do so much to clean up the dead air and/or crappy content in post. self-conscious ruminations aside, my fill-in guest this week was young jarrod and we covered such illuminating subjects as race in america, me beating young jarrod in a foot race, gay marriage, handshakes and porno movies.

ba dum BLOG!!!