Wednesday, January 19, 2011

my top-10 l.a. celebrity sightings: part 2

without further ado, the thrilling conclusion...

in alphabetical and numerical order (can you believe no celebs farther along the alphabet than "l"??? weird.

6. zac efron (taller)/vanessa hudgens(shorter)
i believe this is my only "couple" sighting. for those of you who have been living under a rock, zack and vanessa are the stars of disney's "high school musical" series where their on-screen romance carried over to real life. however, as of the blogging of this blog, their relationship seems to be in a state of flux where their on-again/off-again canoodling has been a hot topic in the rags. anyway, i was in sherman oaks (of course!) walking along ventura blvd. when they just popped out of nowhere! my first inclination was to look for paparazzi (there wasn't any) because one of my dreams has always been to be in the background of a tabloid pic of a celebrity.
digression: can you believe out of all these celebrities i've encountered i've only seen the paparazzi once! and, that was when they were camped out in front of michael jackson's parents' house after he died.
then, since i'm a creep, i decided to follow the pair to get a closer look. i trailed them to aahs!! "the ultimate gift store" which, coincidentally enough, had a display of "high school musical" chatskie in the window! it was there i noticed that zac was significantly taller than me and had a waist size no bigger than 28 inches - the perfect body! next, i turned my attention to vanessa who was absolutely tiny and talked in a baby voice (couldn't quite make out their conversation in my eavesdropping efforts). i quickly realized "wait a second, i've seen vanessa naked! i have her nude pictures on my computer!" i lingered a little longer for some foreplay, undressed her with my eyes a bit and then rushed home to seal the deal... my most gratifying encounter yet ;0)

7. selena gomez (taller than me)
another disney gal! i spied selena at poquito mas in, you guessed it, the ooooaaksss!!! poquito mas is a funny place; it's basically just a better version of baja fresh but they get celebrity patronage to the point where they have stickers on the doors that say something to the effect of "no picture taking. no autographs." i did see david caruso there once too so i guess there is something to it. back to selena; she was much taller than i would've guessed, awkwardly skinny, surprisingly buxom but with a teeny little baby head - she's like one of those kids books where you can mix and match all their different body parts. physically, not a fan but she seemed very nice; especially when a few little girls worked up the courage and sheepishly approached her just to say "hi." they took no photos and asked for no autographs.

dave grohl (taller than me)
mr. grohl has always intrigued me because i am not a fan of his music AT ALL (i know... everybody loves him) but am a fan of his personality. he's kind of like the opposite of terrell owens where, in his prime, was one of my favourite athletes to watch EVER. yet, i couldn't stand his personality and generally wished ill upon him. all that aside, i saw him too at aahs!! "the ultimate gift store" in sherman oaks where we were both standing in the checkout line when an overzealous fan asked to get a pic with him but grohl had his little girl in his arms and he justly replied "not today, i'm here with my kid." good for grohl! kids of stars shouldn't be subjected to glad handing with fans during a non-entertainment related outing. also interesting to note is that this sighting occurred during sherman oaks' biannual street fair where they shut down traffic betwixt kester and van nuys. other celebrities spied by me during these various oaks' fairs of which i've attended: gary cole of "the brady bunch movie" and "office space" fame as well as michael rooker from such hits as "mallrats" and "tombstone."

hugh laurie (taller than me)

this kinda sorta breaks my "no-celebrities-at-work" rule but i wasn't technically at work and neither was he. i was on the studio lot of my place of employment (i don't work on the lot) for some meshugana corporate training class and hugh was just leaving the gym. poor hugh was completely drenched in sweat, all hunched over and completely BALD in the back! as a balding man myself it's comforting to see the high and mighty of hollywood who are afflicted with the same malady and don't take the easy way out of shaving their head. of course, house of "house md" doesn't have a bald spot so i'm guessing he wears some sort of piece or toupee while acting. i'm okay with this but why can't house have a bald spot? here, he has the perfect opportunity to be someone for those of us in the bald community to look up to but instead he eschews this chance at heroism in lieu of vanity. sad.

julia louis-dreyfuss (shorter than me)
what a coup! who would've thought that a loser kid from salinas, ca would ever cross paths with one of the "fab four." i was at a movie theatre in west la when i saw her and she was absolutely BREATHTAKING! by far, she is the the most attractive celebrity i've ever seen. it was almost shocking to see a celebrity woman of her age and ilk with no signs of makeup, botox or any other kind of weirdo surgery. i'm not sure what movie she was seeing but she was with her husband and in a rush to catch her showing when an older couple approached her to tell her how they were visiting from out of town and what big fans they were. julia asked where they were from and when they responded she said "so sorry, gotta run!" and, as she was scampering away the older gentleman called after her "saw something about your new show on hbo! it looks great!!!" cute <3

ba dum BLOG!!!

my top-10 l.a. celebrity sightings: part 1

an old high school chum of mine runs a website called "hollywood swagger." he recently asked me if i'd be interested in doing some guest blogging for his site on the subject of celebrity life/gossip in hollywood. although i've lived in los angeles for five years, i can probably count on one hand the times i've actually indulged in the hollywood "scene." so, i'm gonna give you an exclusive peek into my own not-so-hollywoodish brushes with fame.

irst, there are some guidelines: 1) no celebrities actually performing - for example, seeing jimmy kimmel (jimmy kimmel live!) or chuck woolery (lingo) at the taping of their shows doesn't count. 2) no celebrities at my place of employment - i work at a building with a studio where various sports/reality stars come to film stuff so i don't really count that. to that note, i really must briefly mention that dennis rodman once strolled past my cubicle, i shared a mutual thumbs-up with andrei kirilenko and i've ridden in the elevator with two of "the brady bunch" brothers (peter and greg) on separate occasions! 3) this isn't really a "rule" but more of a warning to how boring this blog is gonna play out - i only approach celebrities or speak to them when i have something to offer them in the way of making their day better. to this point, i've only actually verbally interacted with ONE celebrity. betcha can't wait to find out who!!!

in alphabetical and numerical order

alec baldwin (taller than me)

this might be the most talented and relevant celeb (at the time) i've ever seen. i was on my way to the 24-hour fitness at the sherman oaks galleria at like 7am one saturday morning when, as i opened the door to the gymnasium, out came a briskly walking, trench coat wearing alec baldwin! now this guy was literally HUGE - big head, broad shoulders, tall and thick (fat) - HUUUUGE!

mr. boston (taller than me)

yup, this is my one celebrity interaction and, indubitably, the least significant "celebrity" to make the blog. you may or may not know mr. boston from such vh1 reality hits as "i love new york" or "i love money." he played the part of the hilariously awkward, yet charming, dorky white guy. nevertheless, i was out at the parlor bar in santa monica when i spotted him and he was just with some other dorky white guy looking like he was wanting to be noticed. since i knew from his shows that he had an identical twin brother, my opening line to him was "are you him or are you his twin." and, he proudly replied "i'm him!" so, we chatted for a bit and i told him how much i liked his work and he agreed to take a pic with me. he was very gracious and friendly and it couldn't have been a more friendly experience.

chyna (taller than me)

you remember chyna? she was the juiced up, manly looking gal of wwf fame. she was a founding member of d-generation x, dated triple h (4-realz) and even did a porno movie with then boyfriend sean waltman (1,2,3 kid/x-pac). unfortunately, her "movie" is where we learned of the adverse effects that steroids can have on the female genitalia. anyway, i saw her in the check-out line at the ralph's in sherman oaks and i promptly queued up behind her where i noticed she was extremely slimmed down from her body building days and smelled of stripper.

kyle gass (shorter)/roger lodge (shorter)/
joe montagna (taller)/gary oldman (shorter)/wee-man (shorter)

this is a cosmic 5-way tie where these seemingly unrelated stars have something very bizarre in common; i
have seen each of these celebrities on two separate, completely unrelated instances.
- i saw kyle gass of "tenacious d" fame driving down my street in sherman oaks (can't remember the type of car) and at the piano bar, howl at the moon, at the universal city walk. in fact, i DID kinda interact with him (i forgot!) because it was my birthday and my friends convinced him to sing his song "f' her gently" and we joined in with him. i then drunkenly put my arm around him where i immediately felt him tense up. i made him feel uncomfortable :0/
- roger lodge was the host of "blind date" who always dressed like a mime and whose sole contribution to the show was saying things like "boy, that didn't go so well..." i saw him once at disneyland and the other time at the california chicken cafe in sherman oaks.
- wee-man is best and only known as the midget from jackass. the first time i saw him wasn't in l.a. but it was at the new york, new york casino in las vegas and we happened to ride the roller coaster together. he was with a bunch of normal sized goth chicks. the second time was at this gas station in west l.a.
- joe mantagna is one of those guys you know but have no clue what you've seen him in. i saw him at the restaurant he owns in burbank called taste chicago (he wasn't working, he just dropped in for a second to drop something off and left) and the second time was at a screening of alice in wonderland at the el capitan theatre in hollywood - this is my one actual "hollywood" sighting i guess.
- gary oldman is a big-time, british character actor who often plays parts where he's wearing a lot of makeup or is in some sort of a elaborate get-up so i gave myself total celebrity-stalking street cred when i recognized him. the one time i saw him just strolling through the aforementioned city walk (not sure why i've spent so much time there) and the other time was at the baja fresh in sherman oaks. both times he was dressed kinda punk rockerish which made him look at least twenty years younger - very hip!
really, how fantastically weird is all this??? us six must be connected or something.

brian george (taller than me)

babu bhatt!!!! this was definitely the most excited i've ever been with a celebrity sighting. if you don't know who brian george is than it's your loss and you must be a "berry bad man... berry, berry bad man!" i spied him at the pavilions in sherman oaks and i surreptitiously followed him around, trying to work up the courage to approach him but i just couldn't do it. like with chyna, i queued up behind him in the check-out line (like a creep) and continued to linger in silence until he left the store.

stay tuned... part 2 to come shortly!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

considering hanna-barbera

opening digression: happy dr. mlk jr. day!!! let's talk about 50-year-old cartoon characters... parenthetically speaking, did you notice the dearth of black representation at the golden globes last night? we only remember seeing halle berry (half black) and blair underwood (half an actor). and, if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face to our friends of colour on mlk eve, the gays decidedly ruled the event (winners: "the kids are alright," jim parsons, "glee," jane lynch and chris colfer) thus solidifying the growing trend of 'mos becoming the new bros. yes, the black community can be VERY homophobic...

we've blogged about cartoons before; be it about the similarities betwixt old disney cartoons and "seinfeld" or the uncanny parallels between "tale-spin" and "cheers." those were just unsubstantiated theories on our part but today we will be blogging a bit about well-documented cartoon FACT that most of you people may not be entirely aware of. to some of you, the hanna-barbera era of cartoon dominance during the 1960s-80s was one of mass-produced, low quality and heavily recycled flimflam that paled in comparison to that of which disney and warner bros once offered. while the statement prior holds much truth, we here at ba dum BLOG!!! LOVED that era and are endlessly fascinated by hanna-barbera's penchant for basing their characters on famous celebrities and sitcoms of the time. while some of these doppelgangers are more transparent and obvious than others, we are steadfast in our belief that the following will provide the same joy and entertainment that these beloved classic cartoon characters and mostly dead entertainers did some 40-50 years ago - relevant and timely ;0)

huckleberry hound and andy griffith (alive!)

lthough the voice of huckleberry hound, daws butler, denies it, the blue dog's southern drawl, slow moving gait and reasoned, backwoodsy approach to logic bears a more than striking similarity to that of north carolinian comedian/actor andy griffith.

yogi bear and art carney as ed norton (dead)

s you will see, hanna-barbera also had a wont for using famous sitcom characters as inspiration. here, we have yogi bear's hat, voice mannerisms and cadence supplied by that of ed norton's classic portrayal of art carney of
honeymooners fame. next, we will see a whole entire show that was plucked from this famous sitcom.

the flintstones
and the entire cast of the honeymooners (all dead except for joyce randolph/trixie norton)

up, here we have hb using a whole sitcom and its entire cast of characters as its influence. some call it plagiarism, others call it tribute but we call it blog fodder. most famous and possibly most blatant of the inspirations was that of fred flintstone and jackie gleason/ralph kramden - from his blustery bombast and scheming ways all the way down to his love for bowling, fred was ralph to the tee! and, yes, we have another art carney doppelganger in the guise of fred's dimwitted but loyal bff and neighbour, barney rubble. of course, their respective wives are analogous to their counterparts as well.

snagglepuss and bert lahr (dead)

"who's bert lahr?" you ask. he only turned in perhaps the most underrated comedic cinematic performance of ALL-TIME as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. and, while the ambiguous theater-loving pink mountain lion is mostly attributed to that of the aforementioned "lion" he also was highly influenced by lahr's turn as the commander in meet the people where he first uttered snagglepuss' famous catchphrase "heavens to "murgatroyd!"

op cat and
the phil silvers show (all dead)

ere, we have less of an outright faccimile as is with
the flintsones and the honeymooners but more of an amalgamation and homage. top cat's, a con artist alley cat, voice and character is very similar to that of "the king of chutzpah," phil silvers while tc's gang of alley cats also drew from the characters of the eponymously titled the phil rivers show. but even still, the bowery boys of moving pictures fame is also said to have been behind top cat. rich, complex and thrilling!

hokey wolf and phil silvers (still dead)

alk about hokey! much like with art carney's multiple appearances, hanna-barbera found enough shameless energy to even copy themselves once again with phil silvers and hokey wolf.
yup, hokey wolf is a fast-talking con-man as well (how appropriate as hb is conning us once again!) and he's flanked by his pal, ding-a-ling wolf, who is inspired by buddy hackett (also dead) - what a comedic pairing!

jabberjaw and curly howard (dead)

ere we have a shark who is also the drummer in an all human band called "the neptunes." the anthropomorphic great white also shares the voice and mannerisms of
the three stooges curly howard and the catchphrase of "no respect" with one, rodney dangerfield (dead).

wally gator and ed wynn (dead)

f course, disney-philes would know ed wynn as the mad hatter in
alice in wonderland and uncle albert in mary poppins. but it was the broader comedic stylings of this jewish vaudeville star that somehow juxtaposed beautifully with wally gator - the cajun, zoo escapee. how they made this odd connection, we will never know... because hanna and barbera are both dead.

scooby-doo, where are you! and the many loves of dobie gillis (some alive! but mostly dead)

amously, scooby-doo was taken from frank sinatra's scat improvisation in the song "strangers in the night." but did you know that scooby's loyal gang of mystery solvers was taken from the sitcom
the many loves of dobie gillis? of COURSE you didn't! most notably, norville "shaggy" rogers was inspired by the goateed beatnik maynard g. krebs who was played by bob denver who would later go on to famously play gilligan in gilligan's island. less notably, fred was based on dobie while daphne and velma were thalia and zelda (presumably, two of the "many loves") respectively.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

considering nfl team helmet logos

in alphabetical and numerical order

1. buffalo bills
surely one can draw some ironic glee from the buffalo bills helmet logo. the team is named for one, buffalo bill, who received his nickname for being the preeminent buffalo killer of the wild wild west. yet, the team he is named for, contradictorily features a buffalo! this would be analogous to the new york jets having the twin towers on their helmet. to even further complicate matters, buffalo bill has nothing to do with buffalo, new york nor does buffalo, new york have anything to do with buffaloes. in fact, the city is thought to have not even been named for the animal but for the corrupted french phrase beau fleuve which means "beautiful river." also, is that a red spear going through the logo's head or just a design emblematic of movement?

2. cleveland browns
even though the cleveland browns are named for their onetime owner and head coach, paul brown, and not the colour (brown), their logo-less helmet may be better served with brown (the colour) as its primary feature. the franchise has obviously made the colour/name connection with their brown jerseys so why go with the orange helmets? this only draws attention to the unsavory fact that the browns remain the only nfl team sans logo. while i recognize that no two colours better represent a bleak and downtrodden rust belt city like orange and brown, i would humbly suggest that brown and brown double up as the team's primary and secondary colours with orange providing the tertiary hue.

3. green bay packers
not only is the green bay packers' helmet logo the only of the two-worded cities to be represented by just the one letter (for example: san francisco- sf, kansas city - kc, new york-ny, green bay - g), but is also the only design of which has been propagated by an extra-terrestrial based, apocalyptic suicide cult. yes, the infamous heaven's gate cult used the packers famous "g" aesthetic as their own when, in march 1997, their leader, marshall applewhite, and 39 of his acolytes committed mass suicide during the period when the hale-bopp comet was at its brightest. but perhaps the most interesting/spooktacular coincidence(?) is that the green bay packers appeared in and won their first super bowl in thirty years just a few months before the heaven's gate cult took their own lives... and they haven't won one since.

miami dolphins

surely, the most egregious helmet logo faux pas is occurring in miami with their dolphins. the dolphins logo features a seemingly innocuous helmet wearing dolphin majestically breaching through a brilliantly blazing ring of fire. however, upon closer inspection, one may realize that the miami dolphins logo is swimming for another team! look at its helmet; it's emblazoned with an orange "m." why isn't this dolphin adorning the same helmet that dan marino, larry csonka or reggie roby proudly wore? what team is this charlatan playing for??? upon our thorough detective work we have found that this dolphin masquerading as the miami dolphin plays for the marlow high mud thumpers of kentucky - a landlocked state, no less!!!

5. new england patriots

with its sideburn(s), powerful chin, pouty lips and kinetic design the new england patriots logo is affectionately known to boston sports fans as "the flying elvis." however, one may (as several have) muse that the long and strong profile may more closely resemble massachusetts' own, john kerry. perhaps kerry, a longtime senator and one time presidential candidate, would provide a more appropriate allusion to the pat's logo as a real life "new england patriot" than elvis, a pelvis shaking southern boy, would.

oakland raiders

interestingly enough, the eye-patched and smirking buccaneer of the raiders logo isn't merely a generic face but one that is said to be modeled after longtime hollywood leading man, randolph scott. while scott was mostly known for his work in westerns, it was assuredly his role as the quarrelsome, though cultured pirate, adam mercy, in the motion picture, "captain kidd," that led to his depiction as the raider of the oakland raiders. also worthy of note is the fact that scott was the subject of rumours that paired him in a longtime homosexual relationship with screen legend, cary grant. with that said, please refrain from making any "swabbing the poopdeck," "raising the misen mast" and/or "raiding the booty" bon mots. thank you.

7. pittsburgh steelers
the steelers own the distinction of being the only nfl team to have their logo appear on one side of their helmet. this was not an act of randomness but rather one of first pragmatism and later style where owner, art rooney, did this as a test to see how the logo appeared during games and its popularity led the team to leave it that way permanently. the logo's three "astroids" (red, yellow and blue hypocycloids of four cusps) were originally representative of the phrase "steel lightens your work, brightens your leisure, and widens your world" but were later known to symbolize the ingredients used in the steel-making process: yellow for coal, red for iron ore, and blue for scrap steel. and, contrary to rumours, we did not "steel" this information from the wikipedia. lolz, jk - we, like, totally did.

8. seattle seahawks
when one thinks of american indian inspired helmet logos they usually draw upon either that of the washington redskins or the kansas city chiefs. however, the first logo that comes to our mind is the totem inspired design of the seattle seahawks. sadly, no genre of american art has been more overlooked than that from our native friends of the pacific northwest. while the chiefs chose a logo inspired by death (an arrowhead) and the redskins with their decidedly racist moniker, the seahawks have literally soared above all else in featuring a tribute to their brilliantly painted carvings of story and tradition - bravo, cheers and how!

st. louis rams

the honours of the first ever and best ever helmet logo belong to the st. louis (by way of cleveland and by way of los angeles) rams. in an oxymoronic flurry of flamboyant machismo, commercial artist/rams halfback, fred gehrke, first painted horns on his leather helmet all the way back in 1948. thusly, if there is one quadrupedal animal who stands hooves and paws above all others in their football personification representation it is that of a ram and, incidentally enough, the horns on the helmet translate beautifully as well. sure, like most animals, rams can't carry, pass or kick a ball but their ramming, as it were, is beautifully symbolic of the action that occurs on the line of scrimmage during each and every single play. as die-hard 49er fans, we can only hope our dyed-in-the-wool (pun INTENDED) rams fans don't read into this too much and see this moment of blatant objectivity as an opportunity to toot their own horns (pun INTENDED again!!!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ba dum POD!!! season 3: episode 3

if i could stop it with this incessant, muttley like giggling after every little thing i say this might've been a half decent pod. seriously, i need to fix this... be that as it may, we welcomed the JUDD monster to our humble studio where we discussed such sundry topics as pubic hair, ghost stories, john wayne and pubic hair (let me link you to the much ballyhooed demi moore bush pics ). we also blew this motha' open with an all new "ba dum POD!!! top-5 list" where we discussed the greatest teen movies of all time - NEAT! we also please ask you, the listener, to weigh in on if my verbal bullying of poor nick JUDD was distatsteful or was my incredulous nature at his slow uptake and lack of podcast chemistry warranted? see, as the pod was being podded, i thought i was being funny and we were kinda doing a bit then, immediatelty after podding commenced, i felt like i was a massive jerk and, after just relistening to the pod, i felt myself getting frustrated with JUDD all over again. how say you? was i the "heavy?" oh, and stay tuned for "producer dave's corrections!!!!"

ba dum BLOG!!!