Wednesday, April 30, 2008

out of blog, out of mind

remember that disney cartoon "tale spin?" it was a "talespin-off" (lolzzz) of the "jungle book" where the characters were overly anthropomorphic and lived and worked in the port town of cape suzette. anyway, (air pirates, communist warthogs, club owner louie and corporate shere khan aside) it was a blatant rip off of "cheers." peep this ruckus: baloo once owned "higher for hire" before rebecca bought it out from under him and hired him on just as sam once owned "cheers" before rebecca (yes, same name!) bought it and did the same to sam. many episodes featured baloo scheming to buy back "higher for hire/the seaduck" while sam was often wont to scheme to reacquire "cheers." the sexual tension betwixt baloo/sam and rebecca was also palpable. even their personalities are more than similar; baloo/sam are both sarcastic, happy-go-lucky, loosey goosey rascals while both rebecca's are anal retentive, business minded byatches. if it is a rip-off, no big deal...just something to think about - if pondering early 90s cartoons is your thing.

i can't stand it when other guys can't admit when other guys are good looking. there are about three different ways these mongoloid, dude bra's rationalize the whole idea of their being good looking dudes in the world. first, you have the "i don't know, how would i know if he's good looking or not?" it's almost as if this guy thinks that seeing the beauty in other men is a sixth sense akin to seeing ghosts or sharks sensing electricity. they are seriously trying to convince themselves that they are physically unable to do it. secondly, there's the whole "i dunno, girls like him so i guess he's good looking." this is how jealous/insecure guys with no self-awareness deal with the fact that girl's don't like them. they try dismissing their own unattractiveness as being something completely subjective that girls are unfairly and unjustly deciding on. lastly, there's the "dude, i'm not gay" response. there's really no explanation necessary for this one. homophobes are gay. blogging note: once i transcribe my whole "top 10 hottest female" blog from my 'space blog to this one, i'll also create my own "top 10 hottest men" blog.

which one is it: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out of mind?" can you really have two cutesy, notable phrases that contradict each other like this? what is it, "bartletts" that's supposed to keep track of all these phrases and quotes? really though, which one do you find rings most true? i think it's the "out of sight, out of mind" because i once had a long distance thing and i got tired of the poor lady and broke up with her. also, i've been rejected by plenty of gals and i'll just stay away from them or move to milwaukee and i'll soon enough forget about them. however, i think the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" holds some truth too because if you don't see the person very often and you're relegated to the phone and/or internets your imagination will fill in all the things you can't experience in a way that glosses over their flaws or makes them better than they really are - like less fat or less jewish. (racist?)

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

blog tooffs

we need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless. have i blogged on this before? anyway, i believe this will give your average, run of the mill hobo a modicum of dignity. how often do you see some poor, delusional, stinky derelict babbling to himself as he stares off into space? yet, if they had a blue tooth, you can just assume that they're having a traditional, two-sided cellular conversation discussing either their gym membership or their nephew's birthday. sure, it's only a band-aid and doesn't really help the homeless all that much but it helps alleviate some of our dweller's guilt and makes us feel better, right? and, let's face it, we'll never be able to give the homeless homes but we can always find new and effective ways to rationalize and make their existence more palatable and this is one of them. i'd like to start this charity. what could we call our charitable foundation? "blue tooths for one tooths," "a tooth in the ear is better than beer," "it's not acute dementia, just the blues!," and so on... on another note, is the plural "blue tooths" or "blue teeth?" or, more importantly, is it "blue tooth" or "blue tooff?" for more on this...

i've decided that i am russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes." for example, i've already successfully exposed "boom-chik-a-wa-wa" as trite, banal and hackneyed even. now, i shall retire "check please!" oh, it's hilarious, isn't it? any awkward or sexually explicit dinner table hijinx can be easily punctuated with a "check please!" you watch; any restaurant scene since the inception of the sitcom and/or motion picture utilizes this comedy staple. heck, even "seinfeld" has resorted to this and now it's even found it's way to reality tv such as in the thrilling finale of "the rock of love ii." really, should george costanza and bret michaels be using the same comedic material? this is exciting news with me being russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes" though, isn't it? and please, (i'm speaking to all you "ba dum blogateers") don't hesitate to bring to my attention any other one-liners that need to be sent to del boca vista and/or made the way of the bolsheviks.

there are like six comic book movies coming out this summer. i think there were probably five comic book movies in the past 20 years and now there's been like 152 since "spiderman." i'm sure one of the main reasons for this is that special effects are finally to the point where you can actually make these flying men in their leotards look somewhat realistic but i think the main reason is that there are just so many socially and sexually frustrated dorks out there. i'll admit i kinda' like comic book movies and i'm kinda' socially and/or sexually frustrated (i'll let you do the and/or math...) but this trend really speaks to what's going on in today's society. so many people feel like outcasts and their answer to this isn't to improve themselves organically but all these dweebs fantasize they'll empower themselves by getting bitten by a radioactive spider, beating up some bullies, getting the girl and saving the world - yes, the world!!! gone are the days of "teen wolf" where nerds are just content enough to dunk, play a confederate soldier in the school play and van surf. i guess batman doesn't really fall into this since he is kind of a self-made crime fighter (albeit, he lucked into the money part). but, then again, he's still got angst in spades.

am i missing something or is "alcoholics anonymous" not anonymous? isn't the first thing you say when you walk in: "hi, my name is larry and i'm an alcoholic"? that's the opposite of anonymity...he's "larry," not anonymous - "larry." i'm sure this is easily explained and i'm just not getting the point of it all but whatevs. speaking of which, any of you ever read "a million little pieces"? i liked that book. i don't care if it was a memoir, fiction or non-fiction. it was a good book. i guess the problem is that the dude poopooed the 12 steps of aa and totally cleaned himself up. hence, this made other degenerates think they didn't need the 12 steps either. so, i guess these losers used this guy's tough-guy, cold turkey approach to fighting alcoholism/druggyism and probably failed. well, i suppose it's like how serial killers shouldn't read "a catcher in the rye" maybe reprobates shouldn't read "a million little pieces" and in turn, i won't read "lolita."

ba dum BLOG!!!

sheer bloggies

this is unbelievable. this requires a super special bonus post. hermione has been 18 all of of six days and the paparazzi has already snaked a pic of her vagina (albeit kinda' sorta' behind a pair of sheer panties). wtf??? have they been figuratively sitting on these pics for a few months just waiting to unleash this event or did this just so happen to occur on the same weekend as her aforementioned birthday. i don't even know what to blog... should i even be blogging about this? am i a creep to no ends or am i just merely a blogger who blogs on things that one would find interesting? is this interesting? will i lose my one female reader over this? but really, all i'm really blogging on is the fact that something like this has happened. i'm not so much interested in hermione's vagina, per se, as i am in the fact that she is 18 and six days old and she is already OUT there! i mean, i'm not posting the pics or linking to them or anything. really, it's like there is an internet god who made this happen by virtue of all the skeezy muggles out there who willed it so like in that book "the secret." see, that's what interests me about this whole thing. alas, my blogging finger is tired from rationalizing. if anything, this will serve as an excellent test case on blogging more current/relevant events in hopes that my blog will be found through googling. ahem...if you'll so indulge me; "hermione," "emma watson," "18," "paparazzi" "panties," "vagina," "cooter," "grint," "snapper," "harry," "harry potter," etc.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Friday, April 18, 2008

right to bear blogs

i love how hollywood treats over-the-hill starlets. first, they stop giving tired, old bucks like meg ryan and melanie griffith roles because they look too old. then, in response, the meg ryans and melanie griffiths get a bunch of botox/collagen injected into their face which ultimately leaves them looking like some sort of amalgamation of a fish-faced, muppet. then, this leads to us (the general hoi polloi) making fun of them and hollywood still won't give them roles because they've thoroughly creeped everyone out. these poor ladies can't win for losing! seriously, what are they supposed to do? the worst part is that this trend is trickling down to our moms, secretaries, dental hygienists, etc. i think these broads, whether they be in the biz or in my kitchen, need to realize that they're gonna' age, their looks are gonna' go and it's gonna be rough. it's not their fault, nor should we blame them but i don't know what else to say. maybe be nice and treat everyone well while you're young and pretty and then hope for the best when it's all gone? however there is the "cougar" phenomenon but i think that's mostly a storm in a teacup. i'm just glad i'm a dude and can still be considered sexy well into my early 60s, a la sean connery.

since i went to college and, consequently, know nothing about guns i feel compelled to weigh in on the ever so relevant and timely gun control issue. parenthetically, i usually use my "i went to college line" as a tongue-in-cheek, elitist snarkism but, in this case, i think it actually holds true. i'll bet three quarters of gun owners do not have their college degrees. seriously, the gross preponderance of guns either belong to inner-city thugs or bucolic red necks. first off, the "it's our right as american's line/it's our constitutional right to bear arms" will not be addressed for reasons that should be so obvious i'm too embarrassed to blog it. anyways, we have three types of gun owners: the aforementioned thugs/red necks and paranoid, suburban right-wingers. now, for the most part, there are two types of guns: hand guns and long guns (rifles?). hand guns primary function is to kill people (not protect, kill) and long guns are for hunting, right? therefore, i believe it's safe to say that hand guns pose a larger threat than long guns. i would poopoo hunting more since i think it's a stupid and archaic hobby (not sport, hobby) but i eat meat and i think that might make me a hypocrite. although, i don't think i eat anything that's "hunted;" unless it's man - "the ultimate game." anyway, maybe we should just outlaw all handguns and relegate long guns to people who have hunting licenses. idk, guns just scare me :(

all my friends know i watch a lot of tv so they're always suggesting i invest in a tivo and/or dvr machine. the only problem with this is that i don't need a tivo/dvr machine because i don't have enough of a life to warrant this. i'm always home and i never miss any of my shows. plus, most of my shows are on the mtv and they replay all their stuff throughout the week. however, if i did get a tivo/dvr machine how and where would this hypothetical surplus of time be spent? i guess this would entail me leaving my apartment, right? what would i do, where would i go? whenever i entertain the idea of traipsing about la, all i can think about is traffic, parking (parallel???) and spending money on stuff i don't need and won't make me happy. why would i do this when i can stay at home, play internet scrabble all whilst watching back to back to back episodes of "made." although, i've boycotted watching all "made" episodes involving husky, teenage females whose estrogen has unfortunately "girlcotted" their bodies. too depressing...

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: blogger's "gun control" entry goes beyond his falsely assumed, charming ignorance..."long guns???"

Monday, April 14, 2008


i was at the bank a few days ago and it is completely beyond me why there are always so many people there. i understand the people at the desks talking about loans and such but what is going on with the lines for the tellers? the only reason i ever go to tellers is to get quarters so i can do my laundry. also, there was this one time i had to get a cashiers check or money order for some reason which i still don't understand - it had to do with rent and i don't get what cashiers checks/money orders are for; why couldn't i just pay with one of my winnie the pooh checks from my pleather check book? also, what's with balancing your check book? i've never done this, what's the big deal? anyway, everything you'd ever need to do at the bank you can do at the machine, right? you can deposit, get germs, withdrawal, get your account summary and make funny faces in the round mirror that i think is a camera. what are people waiting in line for??? am i financially retarded, responsible or irrelevant??? no one will answer this question.

am i wrong to immediately tune people out once they drop the respect/disrespect line? i really think it's just ign'ant people flying their dumb flag - these words just scream meat head. sure, respect and disrespect (was disrespect even a word ten years ago?) exist but not in the context in which they're most commonly spewed. i guess this started with gangster movies like "the godfather" where you have these glorified, high school drop-out mongoloids saying things like "it's all about respect...." first, the hip-hop crowd glommed onto it and now it's in full effect in the white trash community (notice how the blacks are a crowd and the whites are a community...subtle racism?). have you noticed this??? invariably, every hip hop trend becomes usurped by the white trashers like three years later. that's the ironic thing too because they're all a bunch of racists but the next thing you know they're wearing fubu, listening to lil' wayne and putting a t-square to their hairlines. anyway, i guarantee respect/disrespect are the most commonly used words on shows such as "jerry springer" or any reality show on "fox reality." basically, these are the go to words for anybody who engages in public screaming matches and these people are dumb, thank you.

these celebrity sex tapes never cease to amaze me. we really are living in a golden age of life where we went from getting excited over marilyn monroe's skirt flying up to knowing paris hilton's birth canal like the back of our hand. speaking of which, marilyin monroe has a sex tape?!?!?!? holy mackerel, she's been dead for like 50 years and now a sex tape is surfacing? now, i realize that the jury is still out on whether it's actually her or not (i'd give it a 25% chance that it's actually her) but still... a posthumously released sex tape!!! sex tapes aside, with the internets i can't think of five celebrities i haven't seen in various states of undress whether it be from a movie, photo shoot, paparazzi pics, etc. if this isn't evidence for why the internets is the best invention since the second, third and fourth wheel then i don't know what is. al gore in '08!!!

bill o'reilly was right; we are on the verge of a "culture war!" barrack o'bama hinted at it when he alluded to all the small town folks "clinging to their religion..." see, barrack isn't religious. none of these politicians are - they're too smart for it. okay, maybe dubya isn't but he's baseball, apple pie and chevrolet! anyway, we have two celebrity documentaries dropping in the next few months that will get things started. first you have ben stein's "expelled: no intelligence allowed" where he denounces darwanism and espouses the virtues of god and creative design. then you gots bill maher with the insanely, brilliantly titled "religulous" which exposes the hilarity that is god-believin.' now, i may be wrong, but i really feel like this will be the summer where we finally get some genuine discourse going and the stigma of being an agnostic, atheist, apatheist, etc. will finally be lifted. just like how "an inconvenient truth" got the ball rolling in regards to caring for the environment "religulous" will do the same for secularism. you watch; we are entering a hippy like anti-religion movement and i think it's groooovy!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Friday, April 11, 2008


it's a common thing for people to rail against "rubbernecking" - you know, perpetuating traffic congestion whilst slowing down to see whatever it is going on on the side of the road that has caused such pileup. i categorize the rubbernecking gripe with the other great hipocricies/falsities of our time such as "having no regrets," "not liking drama," "believing everything happens for a reason" and "believing in god." everyone regrets, everyone likes drama, nothing happens for a reason, nobody really believes in god and everyone rubbernecks. face it, we're a culture of lookie loos. why wouldn't you look??? you've moved two miles in the past hour and don't you feel it's your god-given right (irony - lolzzz) to sneak a peek? it's like sitting through a bad movie; i knew the hot, shikse chick would have the baby and get back with the fat, ugly jew in "knocked up" but i stayed the course and watched this terrifically unfunny and predictable moving picture through its merciful end. in fact, i'll go as far to say that if you don't rubberneck that you are probably clinically insane and your drivers license should be revoked, irrevocably.

what in the name of holy vishnu is going on in india? first you have the octopus girl with the eight legs, then you have the two-faced baby with the two faces and now there's the one foot tall girl who is, incidentally, one foot tall. are these just whimsical coincidences or an indicator of horrible prenatal care? yet, everyone's culture is "rich and diverse," "we can't judge" and "god has a plan for everyone!" maybe these are the inane bloggings of an ignorant xenophobe but i just feel we should be more judgemental of lame cultures that produce freaks of nature who will never live a normal life. look, american culture has some rotten aspects to it too; we have the paparazzi (a blight we share with the uk), will ferrell movies, the bible belt and pogs. i don't know, maybe i'm wrong and these indian birth defects aren't because of medical incompetence and are, in fact, just plain, good old fashioned, whimsy. i guess i'd believe in eight armed elephants, the caste sytem and reincarnation if my god(s?) were hanging these deformities over my head too. however, i must say that i looove the karma and i have the indians to thank for that.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: blogger usually blogs about four items per blog but not this time. nobody cares...

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


this is really neither here nor there, since i'm a devout apatheist, but all depictions of the devil in comparison with god and/or jesus really offer no competition in who you would chose to follow. first you got el diablo who is always smiling, often dancing and usually engaged in a good belly laugh. what has satan done that is all that bad? he had the gall to suggest that eve eat from the fruit of a tree? also, he's the source of all conflict and conflict is the backbone of all entertainment. you know what we'd have without conflict? heaven. BOR-ING!!!! on the other hand, you have maudlin old jesus looking as somber and boring as a paraplegic amoeba. i know this was briefly touched upon in the abortion of a movie that was "dogma" but where's the alacrity from old jesus? he looks miserable! and, god's few earthly appearances resulted in a banishment from paradise, a flood, turning some homos to salt and giving us rules. jesus almost made up for it by turning water to wine but lost all momentum by giving us the lasting creepfest of an image that is, of course, the crucifix.

"boom-chik-a-wa-wa" isn't funny anymore. i'm not even sure it ever was. yet, it's everyone's go-to move whenever porn or anything slightly kinky ever occurs. at this point, it's about as edgy as a balloon animal. it's a punch line in the "alvin and the chipmunks" movie for crying out loud! although, i do have to admit the "brown chicken, brown cow" joke is hi-larious. so, where does this leave us? what clever in-humour can we straight-laced, fuddy duddies use to illustrate that we're hip to the porn scene? i don't know...i was going to try to come up with some quippy quips but i really have nothing. but this is really what "ba dum BLOG!!!" is all about: making fun without offering any sort of real solutions or viable alternatives. how post-modern of me!

i think i want to be a polygamist. but not one man with skirts-a-plenty but dudes-a-plenty with one special lady. it'd be like "full house," "the rippers" included, but with more dudes and less aunt becky. i know this sounds cRaZY but hear me blog it down:
financially: everyone knows men make more money than women so think of the combined income of the estate - yes, estate. heck, you probably wouldn't even need a 40 hour a week job. plus, you may even be lucky enough to draw the stay-at-home-dad card.
sexually: sure, you'd probably only get it once a week but that's every marriage. it'd be like an in-house, scheduled booty call. also, think of how easy it'd be to have a lady(s) on the side. please also consider the delight of having your own bed three quarters of the time.
paternally: not a problem. in a skirts-a-plenty marriage the place is crawling with kids. but, with a dudes-a-plenty marriage there's only one person who can be impregnated. sure y
ou might have around 5 kids but that's nothing. plus, you and the dudes can collude and preclude the pregnancies.
camaraderie: what we have here is a boy's club in the highest degree (and, no. it's not a frat house. frats are lame.). think of all the video game tournaments, fantasy leagues, basketball games, football sundays, garage bands, water balloon fights, homoerotic humour, tree houses, fart contests, etc. at least one dude will know something about cars, know how to build stuff, cook, fight (when we encounter other boys' clubs) and then there's me - i'll blog!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

gimme' bucket o' blog

why do i watch sports? i don't only watch them either; i listen to sports talk radio all day, read a bazillion articles, play fantasy sports, etc. but all sports does is depress me. for example, my warriors are on the brink of missing the playoffs and i'm miserable. every loss, every miss step leaves me crestfallen, completely disconsolate. but, the thing that upsets me most, is not the fact that my teams disappoint me time and time again but the fact that they have the power to depress me so. how pathetic is it that my brain and emotions are wired as such that 10 black men and two europeans who i've never met, never will meet and care nothing for me have the power to ruin my day. it's so stupid. also, people (not me) get into these arguments with other sports fans over their respective teams as if their life and self-worth is in direct correlation with the success of their chosen teams. in reality, all we're doing is rooting for different articles of laundry. our teams don't represent us. what do i have in common with stephen jackson other than we both fire guns outside of gentlemanly clubs and “make love to pressure”? our teams don't even represent the cities they play in. it's not like every player on the warriors is from the bay area or every player on the lakers is from la. in fact, the average length of time any given player is on a team is like two years. i hate sports but love the opportunities it gives to minorities, thank you.

"the hills" is back and as vexing as ever!!! seriously, why do i watch this crap? and, what the heck happened to heidi? waaaaay too much plastic surgery. please girl (the one of you who reads my blog) don't do it. plastic surgery is an awful trend and sets the bar at an unfair place for everyone else. whether it be boobs, nose, lips or labia majora...please, just don't. anyway, "the hills"!!! it seems kinda' fake but then it doesn't. the scenarios seem stilted, however the dialogue seems natural. there's no way these vapid blondes could possibly act this well, right? plus, lauren is crying in every other scene and you can't fake that, can you? i have to give it to my mom though, who is also an avid watcher, who called me up and said "i don't get it, it has to be fake! why would they have a camera on heidi's dad shoveling snow?" i love my mama :)

when did it become cool to be a "diva?" if you looked up "diva" in the thesaurus, "raging c-word" would be the first entry you'd see...followed by "operatic lead," of course. yet, all you hear is the mariah carrey's, j-lo's and rosie o'donnel's (she may actually be a "divo," thank you) of the world yelling "i'm a diva, watch out, i'm a diva, gimme' bucket o' chicken, i'm a diva!" however, the most disturbing instance of this is not in the world of entertainment but in the world of the dmvs, planned parenthoods or of the ilk. you'll see these heavyset women of questionable intelligence and hygiene waltzing around wearing baby t's emblazoned with a bedazzled "diva." parenthetically, i must learn the waltz so i can literally waltz into every room or place of business i frequent.

i have a great idea for a new tv show: "jingle idol." it's just like "american idol" except the contestants must write and perform their own commercial jingles. and, in the opening rounds of the show, hopefuls will perform such favorites as "byyyy mennen," "you bet your sweet aspircream," and "free credit report dot com." think of all the free advertising companies will be getting - it's perfect synergy. "jingle idol" will also follow the same three judge format as "american idol." the first judge will be dave coulier of televisions "full house" - you may remember that joey and uncle jesse enjoyed a stint as a jingle performing/writing team. the second judge would bring the sexy in the form of the the overstock dot com girl - you know, the one who says "it's all about the '0.'" thirdly, in the vain of simon cowell, will be howard brown - he's british, he's black and from the world of advertising. seriously, the knowledge i possess to pull howard brown out of my tuckus is scary good. really people, wikipedia this guy; it truly is amazing on my part.

ba dum BLOG!!!