Sunday, March 29, 2009

we're all gonna blog!

we're all gonna die! i'm going to die, you're going to die and it could even happen later on today. this may be the last blog i'll ever blog and the last blog you'll ever read the first three sentences of before moving on to your favourite porno movie internet website of choice. this just dawned on me and has depressed me to know ends. see, if you're religious and believe in an afterlife it's not so bad because you'll be moving on to the proverbial "better place" where you'll be riding flying unicorns to alternate universes with your grandparents and freddie mercury. on a tangential note, why is it only a "better place" and not the "best place?" i think even the most zealous of the religious zealots can only muster up a "better" because they know poor ol' aunt gertie is merely only "better" off six feet in the ground in lieu of all bed sored up, grafted to her couch with her dozen or so tabbies roaming her one bedroom apartment - even they wouldn't dare put "best" on a hypothetical fantasy.

anyway, as i was blogging, the scenario that religion has cooked/made up with your consciousness somehow seeping out of your dead skull and being cosmically transferred to some happy land of the dead is ridiculous, right? we're just machines and once our heart stops pumping blood and our brains stop firing off synapses that's it - there's no spirit, there's no soul, there's no awareness; it's only perpetual darkness which isn't even really perpetual or dark because there's no cognizance to even know or not know of anything, dark or otherwise. ohhhh ironical christ, that's depressing! sure, religion's way feels good and is comforting but it's a fairy tale and is f'n crazy and insulting. if i were told i was gonna die tomorrow, it's not like i'm gonna go to disneyland donning a peter pan suit and rape tinkerbell in the middle of the parade if i don't have the figurative carrot of heaven or hell dangling in front of me. i mean, it might not even be rape if she was down, right? or, is an intended rape always rape regardless of the subject's willingness, unbeknownst to your already decided action? i guess that'd be like coveting, right? or, is it like stealing a washer or dryer left out on the curb before its owner has a chance to put the "free" sign on it. gee, i wish there was some all-knowing, intergalactic king of morality and ethics to answer these question.

so, what next? how am i supposed to live knowing i may not wake up tomorrow morning and not even know i'm dying when i die or am dead when i'm dead? should i quit my job, should i plant a tree, should i take all the edible contents from my kitchen, put them in a blender and guzzle my concoction down? but seriously, what could one possibly do to break out from their prison of routine and ennui when they have the prospect of death looming over them every single second? like, a hundred people just died while i blogged that last sentence. what do we do with that? i guess this is what human kind faced during the dawn of the religion they made up and figured they needed to manufacture a "better place" for us to look forward to because we'd all go crazy and blog ridiculous, rambling blogs and/or rape tinkerbell, otherwise. so, what are you gonna do tomorrow when, by the grace of god, you wake up not dead? will you live your life to the fullest and find your "happy place?" or, will you forever be cursing yourself where you can't even really curse yourself in the dark perpetude that's not even dark perpetude when you've just read this last sentence and deal with the unpalatable possibility that this may be... the... last... word ... you'll... ever... read.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

the aggro blog

since when did thai food become the end all and be all of eat-out cuisine? i'd be fine if thai food was like the sixth or seventh resort after fast, american, mexican, italian, chinese, sushi, soul, etc. but it's all of a sudden rocketed to the top for no reason other than it's trendy and exotic. for one thing, it sounds a bit too much like "typhoid" for my liking but, even more importantly, it's not that great. it tastes like weird chinese food with an unsettling array of herbs and spices or something; i can't even rightly describe it. other than m. bison or sagat, i can't even name a single human being from the land of thai... how can thai food be this popular if there aren't even any thai people? (okay, i just wikipedia'd it and the only names i recognized are eldrick woods and johnny damon and they're only half/quarter breeds.) i could even blog the same thing for indian food with its unwarranted popularity, trendiness and even more unpalatable taste but at least i know of indian people. not to mention, if it wasn't for indian food, chris colombo never would've found america, would he? on the other hand, if it wasn't for thailand, we wouldn't have the popluar anthropological documentary series, "chicks with dicks."

there's much ballyhoo over last night's "thrilling" conclusion of "the bachelor." now, i don't watch the show nor do i care about what went down last night but i am familiar with the concept and have more than a few things to blog about as it pertains. now, if i were "the bachelor," i'd make it explicitly and/or implicitly known that the elimination process would be as simple as this (let's say it's a 12 week process): week one is first base, week two is second base, week three is third base, week four is home plate, week five is role playing, week six is knife play, week seven is scat, week eight is rough trade, week nine is just watching, week ten is your sister, week eleven is helping me move to my third story flat with no elevator in 95 degree heat and week twelve is oatmeal. and, if you chose not to participate in the week's theme then you will NOT receive a rose - it's that simple. face it, you're not going to find your "soul mate" so why not use this once in a lifetime opportunity, where you hold all the power, to run these gals through your own personal, sexual aggro crag? "d-d-d-do you have 'em - GUTS!"

everyone's got the travel bug; they're going to guam, they're going to italy, they're going to tibet, they're going to chile and i couldn't be less impressed. maybe i'm too provincial, jingoistic or lame but, i cannot think of a more stressful and horrifying experience than jet setting to some strange second or third world country all in the name of "adventure," "culture," and "pretention." if i'm not worried about what i'm going to eat than i'm worried about not speaking the language. if i'm not scared of getting kidnapped, then i'm scared of getting a disease. if i'm not stressed over keeping my itinerary, then i'm stressed over not packing enough socks. besides, these vacations aren't even vacations; you return more tired with more things to catch up on with less money to do it with than if you would've simply just stayed holed up in your room playing internet scrabble, watching "degrassi: the next generation" and blogging, like me. and, from where i blog, there are only two places in the whole world worth traveling to, anyway: las vegas and, of course, disneyland. las vegas is one of the only places where you can actually return with more money than what you left with and disneyland... well, that goes without blogging.

before this year, i could never take naps. ever since i was a baby i refused and, in preschool, my parents would have to pick me up early before we were confined to our cots during "naptime." once, they were late, and i threw a conniption to end all conniptions. anywho, at 26, i may have actually somewhat turned the corner on naps. albeit, i'm still a little embarrassed and disappointed in myself for giving into daytime slumber in lieu of being a productive and functioning adult human being. however, it sure can hit the spot! for now, my napping only occurs as a remedy to the night's previous overnight drunk but i am willing to give it a shot as it pertains to general boredom and ennui. what i don't get though is the scheduled power nap of which is squeezed into a time sensitive window. my napping occurs only on accident though, when i'm laying on my bed, watching tv. for example, i have colleagues who retreat to their car to nap during our one hour, company mandated lunch break. i also have friends who will retreat to their beds at 7pm before going out at 9pm. in both these scenarios i'd be so stressed out and concerned with falling asleep, yet not oversleeping, that i'd work myself up into a restless fit. the moral to this blog: don't catch z's, let z's catch you or... don't saw logs, blog blogs!

ba dum BLOG!!!