Friday, March 28, 2008

bloggerin' bloggerdoodles

l.a. isn't big on recycling. i don't know what the deal is but i've lived in two different apartment complexes and nary a recycling bin there is. and, from what i hear, this is the case in most of l.a. however, what l.a. does have is the homeless and we have them in spades. and, much like jude law is "one of our great actors" (thank you sean penn), the dwelling impaired are "our great recyclers." i really don't think they get enough credit for this either. i can't count how much homeless butt crack i've seen as their noses are buried in waste reciprocals fishing for can, bottle and, appropriately, fish. i also appreciate the move where they ride their ten speeds with two gargantuan bags filled with recyclables balancing on each handlebar. can we give them some recognition or sort of an award? they use no electricity, no fuel, no nuclear power, no hairspray - they are greener than smurfette gettin' a golden shower! screw al gore, let's give hobo kelly the nobel peace prize.

remember how funny 69 was in junior high? man alive, that was some side splitting humour! in terms of the comedy hall of fame, 69 is right there with dick van dyke tripping over the ottoman and lucy pulling back the football. if we were in history class and a teacher asked for a year comical carlos would yell "69!" if we were in math class and the teacher needed two numbers hilarious harry would yell "6!" and silly simon would inevitably yell "9!" oh we would snicker - we were a bunch of adolescent, snickerin' snickerdoodles. and poor, guffawing gomer would invariably fall on the sword and take the fall for everyone because, in junior high, he laughs loudest gets the wrong end of the lollipop. you know what's funnier than 69??? alliteration!

stucco is huge. remember what the future was supposed to hold for architecture? everything we knew about the future included sleek, metallic buildings and homes all silver and shiny like. but, in its stead, we have stucco. every home, business, apartment complex and strip mall erected (yessss!) in the past ten years has been slathered in pink and beige stucco. every shopping center and neighbourhood looks like a futuristic, southwestern, pueblo cliff dwelling. who would've thunk it? is stucco a publicly traded resource like gold? if so, i'm quitting my job, hiring a jewish broker and buying some shares of stucco stock ("stucco stock" - it's either that or "aids in africa" as my number one and two choices for band names). we are stuck on stucco, baby!

there was a shooting this weekend on (the) 101 right at my exit in the jewel of the valley - sherman oaks. at first i was kinda' worried - could this happen to me? and then i remembered that i'm a ten and two driving, blinker using, no horn-honking driver who is, frankly, just an absolute delight on the road. and then i heard the victim was a mexican and then i was really relieved. so, if this wasn't a road rage deal it was probably a gang thing, right? (racist?) and, as i learned from a middle-aged man of colour during my summer long, post baccalaureate sabbatical in milwaukee, minorities don't shoot white people. and, you know why? blacks and mexicans can shoot and kill each other all day long and nothing is done about it. cops, republicans and society have a kind of a laise faire attitude towards minority on minority crime. they literally chalk it up (you know, because of chalk outlines...) to the "bad guys" just killing each other off. however, if a white dude gets shot and killed in a bad neighbourhood, it becomes a media circus – unicycling bear included. also, how good does this gunman's aim have to be to shoot and kill a guy while driving on the freeway? holy mackerel!!!

editor's note: pueblo cliff dwellings were NOT made from stucco.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

proud to be a blogger

i try not to blog about my personal life too much because i feel it's the lazy bloggers way to blog - any stooge can blog "today i ate a ham sammich and i fear the gout may be rendering me a cripple..." see, personal stories are a crutch and often boring. anyway, i had to take my car into the shop this week because i had a warning light on and noticed i had a leak of some sort - the particulars are moot. so, since i went to college, i know nothing about cars and run the risk of getting screwed anytime i have car issues. anywho, yada yada yada, i'm about two grand in the hole. but that's not the rub...i scoff at two g's, yo. the thing that irks me to the high heavens is all the smug jerks who ask "well, did you get a second opinion?" the underlying condescension of this question is waaaaay worse than the two thousand. really, what am i supposed to do? traipse my overheating car, by wheel or by tow, all over la going from shady mechanic to shady mechanic hoping he can shave a couple hundred off the deal? could it happen? perhaps, but my time is too valuable for that. i guess i could call up mechanics and explain the litany of my car's maladies and get an estimate but they'll invariably say "well, it's impossible to really tell without taking a look at it" and i'm all ready in the hole with all the labor my current mechanic went through in diagnosing my issue so why would i leave this guy and go to another? plus, i actually liked my guy; he looked me in the eyes, he spoke english, he thoroughly explained everything, he spoke english...

anybody who knows me has heard me rant on this issue before and i may have already blogged on this but i can't find anything in my archives. so, how do you feel about the cross walk beepies that are supposed to help the blind find their way? i HATE them and i HATE the blind - "i can't see," boo hoo, wa waaa (and, i will continue to make fun of the blind until 2012, when will be available in brail, thank you). seriously though, we should not be encouraging blind independence. the sightless should be completely dependant. do we really want the blind galavantin' around city streets, crossing busy intersections based solely upon well placed and heard beepies? hellzzz to the no!!! imagine it was your blind mother - would you allow her to go out alone, armed only with an oversized candy cane and cross walk beepies? these people are handicapped - as in, their handiness has a cap placed upon it. so please, keep the invalids in-valid and the handicaps handiness-capped. also, how do the blind even find the brail? i see it everywhere but it's tiny - i think brail should be scented.

i know i've blogged on this before but i'm still at a complete loss over why anyone would choose the facebook over myspace. now, i have both because i'm a sick individual who is addicted to the internets because my self-esteem is too low and my anxiety too high to engage in normal social activity without my 'puter. anyway, anytime someone tries to communicate with me on the 'book i'm forced to download some contraption where i have to send notices to like 10 friends before i can even read whatever it is my internet crush's are trying to send me. it's lame! and pleaaaase, get rid of the networks!!! i don't get the people who want their social networking sites and their privacy at the same time. same with the 'space, get rid of the private profiles. maybe i want to browse 14-year-olds profiles without adding them as a friend. nay, screw the "maybe" - i DO want to browse 14-year-olds profiles!

i heard that song, "proud to be an american" on "american idol" this week and it reminded me how horrible that song is and how NOT proud i am to be an american. i like america okay but i just feel our pride is misplaced and unfounded. heck, we were just born here. we could've just as easily been born with aids in africa, wooden shoes in holland or yellow fever in panama. us being american is completely random. plus, what do any of us have to do with america. i blog, watch tv and play solitaire - that' s it. i do NOTHING for america. plus, i'll scroll through the blogs on here all the time and half are in another language so i know you don't need to be an american to blog so what's the big deal? perhaps the phrase should be "lucky to be an american" or "fortunate to be an american." i know this is awful to say but whenever i hear anyone say "i'm proud to be an american" or have any sort of bumper sticker or t-shirt with an american flag emblazoned on it i feel they're kinda' dense - unless you're a politician, of course, and need to pander to said dense people so they vote for you...
editor's note: blogger's car problems are his own fault because he, and an other, ran said vehicle into the ground the weekend before - la to vegas, vegas to barstow, barstow to vegas, vegas to la/la to vegas (in one day) and vegas to la; totaling about 1,500 miles in three days.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

christ has died, blog has risen...

"pee-wee's big adventure" is my favorite movie of all-time so, maybe i'm biased, but i've always resented the fact that pee-wee's genius has never been fully realized because of one little incident. yes, he played solitaire in an adult movie theater - so what, that's what you do there, right? it's as normal as buying stamps at a post office or getting food poisoning at an asian buffet. and, as legend would tell it, pee-wee's incident occurred while visiting the 'rents in florida. parents are a stressful, overbearing bunch, as we all know, and pee-wee just needed to blow off a little steam. besides, this was before the internets - we take our easy access to porn for granted. although, the notion of the adult movie theaters of yore is quite the vexing situation. was it really how it sounds; a a dark room of cushioned seats filled with self-indulgent perverts? how long were the movies - 10, 15, 20 minutes??? was their a concession stand of jergens, napkins and/or gym socks??? if i had a time machine, this is where i'd go.

has anyone else seen the show "high school reunion" on the tv land? well, it's like the "real world" for 40-year-olds where all they do is eat, drink and get put into awkward positions by the meddling producers/rabblerousers (i think i'd like to be a producer for a reality show). they also identify the players with labels such as "the stud," "the fag," "the popular girl," etc. anyway, this show is fantastic and, if you choose to watch, please take note of "the bully" and how he either has two plates of food or two beers in his hands at all times. i've also decided if i were on the show my distinction would be "the irrelevant" because i wasn't cool enough to hang with the cool kids or dorky enough to be made fun of by them. except for this one time, when i overheard one of the popular fella's saying "i don't like that pat guy. he says all this crazy shit and thinks he's funny, but he's not. he's weird." needless to say, i was ecstatic - seriously though.

i live a block off ventura blvd. where there are oodles and oodles of ma and pop stores, strip malls and restaurants. i do not understand how any of these places stay in business. it's seriously beyond me. i, for one, hate ma and pop stores because the minute you walk in they are all up in your grill trying to help you when all you wanna do is just browse and try on funny glasses and look in the mirror. however, doughnut shops are the most confusing to me ( i refuse to use "donut" because it is the only word in the english language born out of store owners inability to afford signs with eight letters as opposed to five). are we really consuming enough doughnuts to account for one a block or one a strip mall? they're gross too; super dense, doughy confections slathered in greasy, sugary icing...blech. and don't get me started on the jelly-filled ones - the only thing i want dry on the outside and gooey on the inside is a woman, thank you.

hey lunatics, happy easter!!! you read that story about the crazy fillipinos who crucify themselves every easter weekend just for jesus? and, how about the thousands of brain-dead, easter-bonnetted tourists who flock to this event? oh boy!!! seriously people, can we please move on from religion? i know i harp on this a lot but i seriously believe i have the answers and all this nonsense is driving me mad. and, don't say "these are only the extremists" because all of you morons are walking around with crosses around your necks and bowing down to statues of poor ol' jesus nailed to the cross everyday. i beg of you: live for yourselves, live for your friends, live for your families and live for today all whilst being the nicest person possible all while helping the most people possible - and, if you're entertaining enough to do so, BLOG!!! no more pandering to spiteful, insecure warlocks in the clouds who demand your time and money all in exchange for a super, happy terrific afterlife filled with the righteous and the boring. and please, tell me what easter eggs and easter bunnies have to do with jesus. k, thanks, bye!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

blog out LOUD!!!

so, in case you're scoring at home, my vegas prediction was eerily accurate. however, instead of going back to my hotel room at the end of the night, i drove to barstow. you should also note that i never once made it to the cashier (i.e. the "cage" - inside joke - lolzzz out LOUD), am down about a paycheck and didn't have a solid bm all weekend. was my prediction a self-fulfilling prophecy? perhaps...but i did make a few new bff's and became a "fanatastic twin" and you can't put a price tag on that!

wow, how awesomely fantastic is o'bama's preacher??? if he was in my town, i'd actually go to church. besides, everything he says has more actual validity and is waaaay less offensive than any other crazy jesus, voodoo-magic rhetoric that's usually bandied about at church. and, why is barrack taking the fall for this? we all have crazy friends who say wacky things and embarrass us...why should he be any different? the only thing i take exception to is how he said hillary has never been called the "n'word." c'mon, are we to actually believe that hillary clinton has never been called the "n'word???" one more thing, have you seen this guy? i think hillary may even actually be a shade darker than this cat. n'word puhLEASE!!!

i actually stumbled across this little nugget of genius in a crowded elevator the other day and thoroughly embarassed my "california bff." (yes, i am a "bff" whore and, for the record, i have a "california bff," an "ebff" and now a "las vegas bff.") anyway, nomenclaturally speaking, how unique of a couple is keith urban and nicole kidman. first, you have keith urban, who is a country singer, which begs the question: shouldn't his name be "rural" or "bucolic?" and, parenthetically speaking, "rural" has gotta' be like the hardest word to pronounce - i think it's the two "r's" that close to each other in a two syllable word that present the problem. and then you have nicole kidman which is like an oxymoron, right - kid-man??? so, together, keith urban and nicole kidman make up the most ironically, oxymoronic, most awesomely fantastic couple, EVER! or, am i reading too much into this?

a word of warning to all to all of you office/cubicle types who work in very close proximity and often use email to communicate. i've had it up to here with all the phantom "lol-ing." emails are often shot around the office where an "lol" (LAUGH OUT LOUD) will be dropped but nary a giggle, chuckle and/or guffaw can be heard. i will lead the charge but i beg all of you office types to expose these charlatans as the phantom lol'ers they are because this is a gross example of computer based, acronymical abuse and, having a communication degree from an accredited california state university, i am doubly offended. oh, and don't get me started on rotflmao'ing.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

fat blog with a fade

maybe it's just a phase but i'm totally down with the homeless...right now. i'm making a vow to give whatever spare change i have to every single bum i see standing on a corner. granted, i won't cross the street to get to them but if i'm at a stop light, in a drive-thru or going on an afternoon stroll they'll get some coin. and, as an apatheist, it's very rewarding because i don't have to share my charity and good will with my god(s). it's all me - my own goodness completely pure and unadulterated and, if you're keeping score at home, this makes me a better person than someone who does it because jesus told them to. also, i think we should have more shanty towns and/or hoovervilles. i went for a walk yesterday and passed through an underpass with a few mattresses laid out along with a few other sundry woe-be-gone flotsam and/or jetsam. i'm down with that, the homeless aren't hurting anything. i mean, if i see them on my street that's a different story...but still.

anyone who utters the phrase, "i have no regrets," is either lying, a moron or both. i have at least 20 things a day where i say to myself, "geez, i probably shouldn't have said/done that." i still dwell on things that i said or did all the way back to my junior high days. i regret blogging this blog!!! this doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person but it definitely makes me funnier or, at the very least, more interesting. i remember back in my junior college days (my salad days) we were talking about this very subject in class and i got into an argument with a fat mexican dude with a fade (not racist) who said "i have no regrets" and i went cRaZY!!! i said "you have NO regrets? NONE. NOTHING. you've never regretted ordering the egg salad in lieu of the tuna salad?" "no regrets..." i immediately regretted raising my hand and going toe-to-toe with the fat mexican dude with a fade.

i don't know if people realize how gross urinals are. depending on your trajectory and/or force, you'll be sprayed with a good (bad?) amount of residual urine as you pee. the trick is you have to flush the urinal before peeing so at least you're only getting your own urine. this is especially evident, and refreshing, when wearing shorts or opened toe shoes. oh, and don't get me started on the quagmires and conundrums that present themselves when using a urinal while you have a boner - game over. why don't they just get rid of the urinals in favor of a few more traditional toilets? does it cost more money, take up more space? and no, sitting down to pee is not an option. and, i refuse to use a urinal without the privacy walls because i prefer leaving the bathroom feeling better rather than worse :(

so, i'm going to vegas this weekend. i already know how my typical night will play out: we'll get drunk in our room off of alcohol we brought ourselves (because we're fiscally responsible drinkers), wait in line to get into a club for an hour at which point i'll immediately sober up, get frisked by a fat mexican with a fade (that's called a callback in the comedy world, thank you) upon entering the club i'll be raped of three of my six senses, i'll hit on a few girls and get made fun of (seriously, would it kill a girl to just ignore me or simply say "no thanks;" why do they always feel the need to ridicule and emasculate me?), i'll leave the club alone because i can't hang, try my hand at some blackjack where i proceed to blow a few hundred dollars, get bloated on free-watered down drinks all while the asian, mumbling dealer also makes fun of me, i'll then walk back to the room in my dress shoes which kill my feet because i'm too cheap to pay for a cab, then i'll scour the halls of the hotel looking for discarded, half eaten room service and then i'll attempt to play solitaire in my room of six guys.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

no blog for old men

real quick: you see this shizz??? this infuriates me. this is the cover of the "no country for old men" dvd. i've actually seen this on a few movie posters/dvds and i do not get it at all. i understand the whole billing thing as far as whose name goes first and all the contractual, hollywood mumbo jumbo that goes into it but how hard is it to line up the names with the actors? fine, maybe the names have to go in that order but the pictures??? it's obvioulsly not a mistake either...there is absolutely no plausible explanation they can give for this? and, if any of you try to make one, regardless of how logical or right you are, i will blog you down!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Monday, March 10, 2008

7 deadly blogs

amc plays old westerns, from like the 50s, every saturday morning and i'll often have them on in the background while i play scrabble or knock out a few games of solitaire. anywho, they're all pretty much the same: some john wayne-esque, rough around the edges, stiff as a board, rambling man dork will inevitably be paired up with some super-hott, corset wearing widower. of course, the guy always gets pissed because she's getting in the way of his lonesome solitude out on the range or in the wild frontier where he and his horse are just fine on their own. that's neither here nor there though because the part that rubs me is the tried and true western rape scene. there will come a point where the sexual tension is just too much for the old buckaroo to handle and he'll eventually violently grab the girl, wrestle her to the ground and forcibly start kissing and dry humping her. the poor lady will fight back too but once she's decidedly overpowered she'll give in and, next thing you know, they're boyfriend/girlfriend, have built a quaint little cabin and the little lady is happy as a clam. needless to say, the old west was AWESOME!!!

i have body dysmorphia because i grew up with my mom calling everyone "fat" so i try to go the gym on a semi-regular basis; i just do cardio though because i have a personality and don't need muscles. anyway, i love people watching at the gym - whether it be guys, girls, septuagenarians or even minorities. i'll often check out guys for their hairlines and compare them with my own and quietly judge the ones who obviously get dressed up specifically for the gym with their product in their hair and colour-coordinating outfits. but my favorite thing to do is my patented "girl to guy check out." for every single girl who walks by me while i'm on my precious elliptical i go face-to boobies-to camel toe-to butt and then i'll immediately look at any other guy in her path to see if he checks her out too and NOTHING. i can't be the only guy who is creepily leering at every girl in his line of vision, can i? don't say i'm just super obvious and they're subtle because i follow their eyes and they are so into their gay little workouts that they're oblivious to the world around them. i hate the gym.

yay, the catholic church just released their new 7 deadly sins! and, as a morally lucid and ethically uncorrupt apatheist, i'll break them down for all you lunatic, god-fearing mongoloids.
polluting: "an inconvenient truth" was a horrible movie and i'd rather watch ice melt - get it?!?!?! still, i believe in the environmental rhetoric and, even if global warming is fake we can all agree we need to treat motha' earff mo' betta.'
genetic engineering: i think this means cloning, which is more weird than wrong. i don't know...i don't realy understand this one.
obscene riches: isn't the vatican plated with gold and bedazzled to the high heavens? why doesn't the vatican sell their gold to the jews and turn that money into condoms for the africans?
taking drugs: i'm assuming this means "hard drugs." either way, all drugs are cool until you eat your gf's lung or lead a bunch of jews across the sahara.
abortion: not ethically wrong, necessarily, but definitely morally sloppy and irresponsible. and, all references to rape, incest or life-threatening pregnancies need to be aborted.
pedophilia: uhhhhh... well, first off, 16 and up isn't pedophilia - sorry it just isn't. it's more of a gross inconsistency betwixt biology and society. i'm sure society will win out at one point and our balls will quit dragging behind us but there's something wrong with me if i don't want to smell hermione's hair. however, true pedophilia is severely under served and should be second to only murder as far as jail sentencing goes. thank you bill o'reilly.
causing social injustice: i guess this is racism. however, i'm also lumping the gays into this at which point, you fuddy duddy catholics are hoisting yourself by your own homophobic, neolithic petards.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

jelly blog

so, i guess patrick swayze is dying of pancreatic cancer and is listed as day-to-day...but aren't we all? (thank you dan patrick) anyway, as i sit here in my cube and think about my life as it has been, is and where it will be, i'd gladly trade it with spinning jennifer grey above my head, taking names at the "double deuce" and doing ceramics with demi moore - even it is for 55 childless years. oooh, "ghost!!!" you know that's gotta be at the back of his, mrs. swayze's and whoopi's mind.

we need a better euphemism for masturbation. or, maybe only i do since i don't know anyone else who loves waxing poetic on the subject as much as i do. sure, we have "jerk off" and "rub out" but those aren't legitimate, suitable euphemisms - if they are at all. how about "solitaire?" it basically means the same thing; a game you play by yourself. it would totally work! "how was your night?" "uneventful. went to the bars, got drunk, got turned down/made fun of by three girls (you lie down from eight), went home and played some solitaire." or "you wanna' go play some basketball?" "no can do, think i threw out my hip playing solitaire during my lunch break."

for supposedly being the greatest piece of literature in the history of the world don't you think there are one too many versions of an "ark" in the bible and/or torrah? seriously, let's have two different words for things as far ranging as a gigantic boat that holds two of every animal known to man to a box that holds the ten commandments. i'm pretty sure noah's ark came first so imagine moses' confusion when yahweh gave him the ten commandments and told him to build them an "ark."
yahweh: moses, take these ten commandments, don't get mad and break them, read them to your peeps and build an ark to store and transport them in.
moses: well, don't you think an "ark" is a bit ambitious for these two 10x12 stone tablets?
yahweh: huh, sure...just make it a small ark that's not like a boat, or even bouyant for that matter, that also shoots lasers and ghosts that make nazi's faces melt off.
moses: okay, got it yaweh. one more thing: aren't the "coveting" comandments a tad redundant?

becuase i'm smarter than you, i'll often watch "jeopardy." you know what "jeopardy" means, right? impending danger, risk, peril!!! isn't this a bit of a misnomer? i guess i see the "danger" of risking your money every time you buzz in but that's hardly "jeopardy." actually, you're not even risking your own money and, regardless of what happens, you'll get the home version as a parting gift. in fact, it's a very safe environment; it's sterile, it's blue, no minorities, trebek shaved his mustache, etc. heck, the famous "jeopardy" music during the final round is based on a lullaby merv griffin used to sing to his "jelly babies."**

**editor's note: i actually have to tip my hat to the blogger, for once, for calling upon a homophobic slur from the 1800s.
jelly baby: originally from negro venacular, the phrase soon came to be used by whites as well; slang denoting what uneducated folk imagined (and sometimes still imagine) as a 'pregnancy' from homosexual inercourse.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

revenge of the blogs

as a kid i loved colouring and, as a man child, i still love to colour. anyway, i remember going over to my grandparent's house during my formative years and they had this real old box of craYONs and my mom would pull out "flesh" (which is now "peach") and say "ewwww, flesh." then, she'd pull out "indian red" (which is now "chestnut") giggle, tell me to find an indian to colour and do that thing where you move your hand back and forth real fast over your mouth to make the indian noise - wa wa wa wa... i'd like to think, if i were a super hero and my super power was my super sense of humour, that this would be my origin story. my mom learning me that "flesh" has gross connotations and that racial stereotypes are funny is my proverbial, radioactive spider.

do you think bullies root for the nerds or the jocks in movies like "revenge of the nerds" and/or "lucas." do they have the self-awareness to realize "hey, that was really mean. maybe i should be nicer to the dorks" or do they think "that spaz really had it coming. the nerve of him to wear glasses, be smart and want to fit in...?" i bet they're completely oblivious to it and have no reaction other than the one the movie intends. they blindly root for the movie nerds, go to school the next day, smash some kid's inhaler or throw a wrench in the spokes of some 'tard's wheelchair.

i'll often find myself in establishments where they'll have men's and women's baffrooms; but each built only for one. why would they do this? if only one person can use it at a time what difference does it make whether it's a "men's" or a "women's." lines of dude will often form outside their designated room all whilst the little girls' room remains vacant. i often face this predicament and i just make hay on the girls' can. who cares? sure, guys with tattoos or wearing sunglasses will give me a weird look but whatevs... can they make the baffrooms unisex if they wanted to or is there some archaic, judeo-christian law that forbids eschewing the men/women divide for the two unisex? i'm too evolved for this shizz.

"phlegm" is a FANTASTIC word. it's the only word i can think of where each letter adds to the definition. say it. it's one syllable, five consonants and one vowel. think about it though - can you even wrap your head around the awesomeness? how did this word come to be??? it's like someone coughed, spit up some gunk and made a sound like ppphhhlllleggggmmmm.... this word goes beyond onomatopoeia though because it's so self contained and not just merely a sound or an action - its PHLEGM!!!

editor's note: i just won $5 from the blogger because i bet him that he couldn't blog an interesting entry about "phlegm." not phlegm itself but the word "phlegm." perez hilton could have done it.

ba dum BLOG!!!