Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the buffalo blogs

if you really think about it, the concept of tighty-whities is quite the fallacious enterprise. i think they've been pretty much phased out by now, except for in novelty/comedic purposes, but tighty-whities were pretty much the standard for men’s undergarments for at least fifty years. of course, there are also boxers, but that’s a whole ‘nother bit of ridiculousness… that i can’t resist tangentalizin' on. i’ll be brief (pun INTENDED!), but i’ve tried wearing boxers a few times and they got all twisted around my trunk with half a leg sucked up into my abyss all whilst my elvis was floppin’ around in a perpetual leather stage. needless to say, boxers didn't quite cut the mustard but i digress… see, i’m not so bumped by the “tighty,” it’s the “whitey” that gets me. there are just waaay too many things that could go wrong down there in the "milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made" variety of which could compromise the “whitey” aspect of the “tighties.” that’s why i propose that all unmentionables should be of a reddish brown colour. no blood, no foul, right? "whitey" is setting waaay too "tighty" of a precedent with little to no margin for error. you wouldn’t wear white to a spaghetti dinner nor would you make brown toilet paper. let’s keep this world colour appropriate, people.

i can't count how many times i've been bro'n down with the homies, flippin' through the channels on a lazy saturday when the consensus demands we nest on telemundo for un momento during one of their poolside, bikini shows. or, i'll be casually making fun of their goofy tella novellas, as is "the soup's" wont, and a dude bra' will pervishly remark "yeah, but how hot are the chicks?" "not at all!," i say/blog. and, i get chastised for this. they're tacky and gross; fake boobs, big hair, layers of makeup and thick thighs a pretty lady does not make. i have nothing against mexicans either; there are plenty of classy, attractive mexican gals like penelope cruz, j-lo and even bjork. sure, i may sound like a racist but this point is analogous to my opinions of the "rock of love: bang bus" ladies. you can say the same exact things about them with all the fake boobs and makeup. obviously, american tv is just as bad but i don't hear anyone ever espousing the beauty of daisy or heather the 40-year-old stripper.

you ever stop and think about what's going on with the nomenclature of futbol americano's buffalo bills? first off, the very man they're named for, "buffalo" bill cody, received his "buffalo" moniker for his prowess in killing buffaloes. yet, the buffalo bills' mascot and logo are of a buffalo which undermines the man in which they're named for. effectively, they've chosen to treat their team bass ackwards with their identity representing the name of the city while the nickname is more or less an absentee placeholder. also, if you're familiar with o.j. simpson's bills of the 60's, you'd know that their indelible logo was a silhouette of a red buffalo which looked suspiciously like a bloodied buffalo carcass after "buffalo" bill cody had just shot and skinned it (violent o.j. parallels INTENDED!). you'd think the mascot/logo should be of "buffalo" bill cody and not the creature he just about single-handedly wiped off the continent. lastly, the city of buffalo was not even named for buffaloes the animal (they never even lived there!) but for a crude translation of beau fleuve, the french word for "beautiful river," after early settlers feasted their beady, frog eyes on the niagara river. then, to top it off, sources close to ba dum BLOGger have revealed that the niagara river isn't even "beautiful," but rather is a dried up, muddy crick. no wonder the bills lost four straight super bowls...

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

top 10 hottest chicks of all time: vol. 2

so, like i was saying... this is the second volume of my "top 10 hottest chicks of all time" blog. i originally blogged the first version on my 'space blog of yore and this doesn't replace the original top 10 nor is it merely an addendum, but a reimagining or, a reinvigoration, of sorts. again, i'll also try to stay away from the cliche, boring choices that you'll find on some lame maxim list. also, don't look too much into the order - there really is no rhyme or reason why "lady a" is above "lady b;" it's all happenstance and hand jobs, really. yeah, so that's that... it's a pretty self-explanatory list: these are gals that i wouldn't mind heavy petting (above or beneath clothes), dry and/or wet humping, taking to disneyland or eating their lung (thank you, big lurch

10. shailene woodley

and, no... she is NOT yet 18, thank you very much. see, she's one of the gals i'd take to disneyland in lieu of the various forms of second base i'll be imagining myself doing with the other ladies listed. if you didn't know, she's the chick in that "secret life of the american teen" show on the abc family where her character is with child. shailene's inclusion raises an interesting philosophical question: is it less creepy or creepier that she's got a bun in the oven? with that said, i definitely find her hotter with the pillow strapped to her belly. but, to answer the question, i'd contend it's less creepy since she isn't really the youngest one in the picture anymore.

9. lo bosworth

she is a complete afterthought when it come to the ladies of "the hills." and, while most would say i'm being a contrairion in listing her above the likes of l.c., audrina and the legitimately ugly hedi, i believe that there's something about her big ears, crossed eyes and hooked nose that makes her a natural, albeit flawed, beauty. another thing, lo's character is commonly construed as being the "bitch" of the group however, this is only because she's the lone gal with a modicum of personality and brains among these vapid and vacuous vixens previously mentioned.

8. kristen kruek

since i'm kinda' sorta' half racist and a whole lot racial, kristin kreuk will be the only gal of colour on my list. and, fittingly enough, she is only half "gal of colour," herself. as it were and is, she is half white and half chinese - NEAT! that's all i really have to say about her... i've never really seen any of her shows or anything. i more or less only know of her from her neutrogena commercials. oooh, she is playing the new chun li, though!

7. betty draper

nope, not january jones, but her namesake on television's "mad men," betty draper, has made the list. see, it's the conglomeration of the frustrated housewife and all the '60's garb that really gets me going. i just love the hair, the dresses and all the oppressive underwears of the granny panties and cone brassier persuasion. and, to keep with the theme of the character and not the person, there was no hotter moment in television than mrs. draper's adulterous turn when she took a man in the bar lavatory in the season two finale of "mad men"... oooh, la and la!

6. ginnifer goodwin

this blog is about to take a decided turn for the blonde, skinny and young and i thought we needed a thirty-year-old, round faced brunette to serve as the proverbial calm before the storm. see, this girl is just pure spunk and, in the words of lou grant, "i hate spunk" (but really, he likes it...). anywho, ginnifer and i go all the way back to "ed" (the bowling alley lawyer, not the baseball playing monkey) where she played a geeky, bespectacled teen who may or may not have had intercourse with the mac jerk. and now, she's a perpetually pregnant, polygamous piece in "big love" - RAD.

5. olivia palermo

see, i usually eschew beauty for cute but there is just something about this lady that breaks through all my normal perversions and predilections. her features are just so goshdarn angular and striking you really can't take your eyes away from her; she's like a geometrist's nocturnal emission. oh, in case you've been living in a cave underneath the ocean (thank you, a-roid), she's a former new york city "it gal" and the bitch (HUGE bitch) in "the hills" spinoff, "the city." you watch, if you actually frequent "the city," you'd notice that whoever has the misfortune of sharing screentime with her gets a doughy faced, chinless makeover. poor whitney, she's gone from a 7.5 to a 6.1 :0(

4. emma watson

holy mackerel, hermione has aged well! it is definitely a rare and noteworthy occasion when a lady actually looks better at 18 than at 16 and please note that it's been noted first at although, she does have a little bit of that thick browed, strong jawed look that afflicts so many englanders although, it offsets her youthful glow nicely for the perfect meeting betwixt maturity and... um, post-pubescence. also, please give me props and/or kudos for not resorting to any trite "wand" humour, spank you.

3. miriam mcdonald

who am i talking aboot? well, if you were from america's hat (canada), you'd know this gal as emma nelson, the star of "degrassi: the next generation." at 21, she is the antithesis of the gal previous, meaning, yes, she was, in fact, hotter at 16. nevertheless, she's still a fine piece of bronzed, blonde canadian arse and we can only hope she makes the jump from the ctv to the cw. meanwhile, we can still watch repeats of "degrassi" where her adventures take her anywhere from meeting her retarded biological father to contracting ghonorrhea from jay hogart down at the ravine. oh, canada...

2. bella thorne

hear me out!!! yes, she's only 12 *cringe* but i must harken back to a ba dum blogger who was only a sophomore in high school when he saw a 12-year-old lindsay lohan in "the parent trap" and proclaimed to his pal(s), "you watch, this gal and her british twin sister are gonna' be the cat's pajamas in couple of few..." and did my friends agree or give props and/or kudos? nay, they mocked me and deemed me a "pervert!" and now, i'll bring it up and no one even remembers or believes my foresight since it wasn't documented like i'm documenting this. see, i know these things and should be a casting director of some sort so we don't have the same unfortunate occurance that took place in "the wonder years" where winnie cooper aged from a cute kid to a square faced, broad shouldered not-so-attractive teenager. for more information, i blogged about this lady in a less creepy and more informative manner during the infant stages of badumblog
postscript: my roommate, david a. diano agrees with this observation and accepts this listing in the non-pedophilic spirit in which it's intended and presented, thank you.

1. taylor swift

fine, this pick may be a bit trendy and on the nose but i don't care; ba dum blogger likes himself some taylor swift! sure, with her beady eyes and slight overbite, she bares a more than a striking resemblance to the inbred, possum-faced, bango strummin' retard from "deliverance" but i believe in nuance and there is no more nuanced of a machine than that of a mind which can juxtapose and draw upon two such seemingly dissimilar things all in the name of raw, animalistic attraction. id est and/or ergo: ba dum blogger is an f'n genius who ironically blogs in the third blogger.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we're back biZZnatches!!!

what do 2/3 of these ladies have in common? hint: it's an example of one of ba dum blogger's favorite literary devices.