Friday, August 29, 2008

disjointed, soapboxy, uninformed, contradictory politickin' blog

even though i poopooed the conventions with all it's rah rah, back pattin' hooey and applesauce, i must admit that i'm digging all the politickin.' really though, i just love watching grown adults argue; they really are quite silly. conservatives and liberals, whether it be the actual politicians themselves or all the talking heads on the twenty four hour news networks, really do believe the other side is dumb, evil and/or sodomizing goats. that's why i'll never, EVER claim a political party because too many people treat their party with the same irrational love and loyalty as sports fans treat their favorite teams and players on those teams. they get so wrapped up in rooting and following their party that no matter how dumb dubya is or how sleazy bubba clinton is that they'll inevitably put on their blinders and follow them off the cliff like lemmings because people are so locked into their stupid parties that admitting any of their shortcomings automatically amounts to them also being wrong, dumb, evil and/or a goat sodomizer. in short; followers of politics are more interested in being right and winning rather than learning, evolving and doing what's best for everyone.

so, what did everyone think of o'bama's speech? it was okay, a little too pollyanna, pie in the sky for me but whateva'; i think that's just the nature of convention speeches. i'm not a fan of all the bleeding heart, liberal ballyhoo with over taxing the rich to save all the screw-ups... excuse me, "less fortunate." it's nice, but i don't believe it's the government's job to force charity under the guise of "redistribution of wealth." sure, certain political figures, like o'bama, may be able to inspire charity and goodwill towards your brother and/or brotha' through their own example and man o' the peopleness (which i think o'bama actually has the potential to do) but forcing people to do it through the letter of the law is not the answer. sure, there is and should be government funded programs to help people out but not to the extent that o'bama pines for. people should do it and want to do it on their own accord. if you want to tax anyone, tax the churches and their surpluses of wealth and let them write off their charitable exercises like any other organization.

but, back to o'bama: the part of his speech i really did like was when he did go toe to toe with mccain and contended that the liberal weenies love america and are just as patriotic as the conservative fuddy duddies are. i wish the democrats would do that more; the republicans have no more of a monopoly on "patriotism" as they do on "family values." for some reason, the democrats shy away from challenging these myths (hence the "weenie" tag). you can argue over the methods of patriotism and militaristic philosophies till you're blue in the face but their is NONE, ZERO excuse for the way republicans turn to an archaic book of fairytales and a magician in the sky to rationalize their treatment of f' words and their attempts at forming their own families. as far as i'm concerned, the republicans can't say shizz about "family values" until they, not only tolerate, but CELEBRATE the homos' rights to marry, breed, adopt, sperminate, peetree dish or however the heck they procreate and make babies. i'll often hear the religious right try to rationalize their homophobia and cite economics as a reason to keep the gays from gettin' their family on but slavery was also good for the economy so, like always, i'd say common human decency should trump all speak of money and economics.

i digressed again!!! my favorite thing about o'bama from last night, aside from his looks (holy mackerel he's good looking - just a striking individual!) was his little video they played before his speech. sure, all politicians try to make themselves the man o' the people but o'bama legitimately is! let's see: he looks black, raised by whites, spent time in indonesia, has the name of a muslim, has an african father and has actual ties to almost every region of the usofa - hawaii, kansas, chicago and new york!!! plus, he got his law degree and eschewed the life of a jerk lawyer for one of public service where he actually served people directly; not from washington or the governor's mansion. that's the funny thing, on all the news shows the conservative talking heads question his experience and what qualifications he has to be president. well, how about the fact that the part of him being "inexperienced" governmentally and politically is his best attribute! he hasn't been around long enough to owe all these political favours to special interest groups or corporate phat cats. plus, he's spent more time with his actual employers (me, you and her in the corner with the big boobies) than most politicians. sure, others may have more experience in dealing with senators, governors, congressman and what not but those are his co-workers, the people he's working with not for. he has oodles more experience with us than anybody in recent memory who has gotten as far as o'bama has politically. and, like o'bama said in his speech, it's about us. not him, not his fellow politicians... us (me, you and her in the corner with the big boobies).

with all that said; mcain and palin in '08!!! sarah palin is a STONE COLD FOX!!! oooh, la and la...

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: not even i could edit that disjointed, contradictory, muddled and hypocritical excuse for a blog. there's nothing like an intellectual and political lightweight, who refuses to pick a side nor has ever voted, telling you what to do. those who stand for nothing fall for anything... then again, why stand when you can sit???

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

woebeforgotten, marginal blog of yore

ugh, is anybody buying these conventions??? what a waste of money, tv time and starch. really, all they are are (double "ares?") bazillion dollar, glorified pep rallies where there's no political discourse and so many back pats and high fives that dr. james andrews is on call for when all the sexagenarians throw out their shoulders. what's the point? this is america at its worst; gaudy displays of vacuous platitudes and rhetoric - political shock and awe. who is it for? the undecideds? the unregistereds? if the undecideds decide or the unregistereds register based on these conventions then we don't want them voting anyway. in fact, they should be rounded up, stripped of their clothing and forced to wear barrels with suspenders. the only entertaining thing about these pep rallies is when the liberal weenies trot up their rednecks, scary church people and military types while the conservative fuddy duddies parade their women, minorities and homosexuals. here's an idea: the democrats are already knee deep in their convention so what's done is done but what if the republicans matched whatever amount the democrats spent for their pep rally and put it towards a non-religious charity. wouldn't that be an easy win for the the grand old party? or, would it be seen as an empty and desperate gesture? well, for what it's worth, that'd be enough to get this blogger's vote.

i'm really not a fan of improvisational comedy. nay! i can't stand improvisational comedy. i remember when "whose line is it anyway?" was the bee's knees and i tried watching it and thought it was the lamest thing i'd ever seen. i don't like comedy con caveat. sure, it's good and funny if you factor in the improvisation and the on-the-spotness of it all but i want it to be good and funny because it's good and funny. it's the same reason why you wouldn't watch the nfl or nba played in knee deep water or the wnba, for that matter (which is literally the nba played in knee deep water; LITERALLY). really, improv is a watered down version (pun INTENDED) of a better product. i'm sorry, but watching a bunch of dudes running around like chickens with their heads cut off saying "yes, and..." a comedy show does not make. it's a wonderful exercise for thinking on your feet and working your brain, in general, but i wouldn't pay to watch vonteego cummings do jumping jacks or derrick loville doing squats (10 "ba dum blog good knowledge points" for anyone who can identify these woebeforgotten, marginal bay area athletes of yore).

can you cook??? we have all been asked this question. and, the answer is "yes;" it's always "yes." do you cook? maybe not, but you could if you wanted to. but i don't want to. i did not go to college for four-and-a-half-years to stand in the kitchen and babysit a piece of meat or colander oodles of noodles. people act like cooking is some delicate art form that requires something other than patience, the ability to read a recipe and differentiate betwixt a tsp. and a tbsp. i just don't get it. i'd much rather get fast food, eat at a restaurant or throw something in the microwave so i can spend my time watching tv, playing internet scrabble, downloading porno movies and/or blogging; not to mention all the wasted energy and time of cleaning up your mess after you cook. heck, aside from my mom or grandma, i don't even like when people cook for me. truth be told, i hate it. i just can't deal with the anxiety of having to say "i like it" or sucking it all down even when i don't so i won't hurt their feelings. heck, i don't even like liking it because i can't stand complimenting someone on their ability to stand in the kitchen and read directions. or, maybe i'm just bitter because no one ever offers to cook for me, i have no one to cook for, nor do i know how to use the oven or break an egg :(

either because i'm half gay or perpetually trying to relive my youth, i love all things disney; whether it be disney movies, disneyland or "hannah montana." however, the one thing that has always stuck in my craw is the classic, oscar nominated "beauty and the beast" (yes, i know disney didn't create it but this is a blog, not a college thesis). here's the story in a nutshell: jerk prince gets transformed into a beast for being a jerk, holds old man captive for knocking on his castle door, imprisons old man's hot daughter in exchange for old man's freedom, hot chick inexplicably falls in love with the beast, the spell is broken and they live happily ever after. let's put this scenario into modern times: billy ray cyrus' motorbike breaks down in front of my apartment, billy ray knocks on my door looking for help, i imprison billy ray, miley cyrus shows up at my door looking for billy ray, i imprison miley in exchange for billy ray, miley falls in love with my jerky ways and we live happily ever after. WRONG!!! see how ridiculous it sounds when i put it this way??? the only difference betwixt these stories is that i don't look like a beast but only live in an apartment and blog as opposed to living in a castle and being a prince. so, beast/castle/prince trumps me/apartment/blogger. as it happens, "beauty and the beast" is not a tale of redemption or appreciating someone's inner beauty but is a mere tale of "stockholm syndrome" and proof that the prospect to change a guy (from beast to stud), money (castle) and status (prince) is enough to make a girl fall in love no matter how much of a jerk you are... even if you imprison her creepy, washed up, country singin,' one-hit wonder, expoitive father.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: blogger acknowledges blogs have been sparse but blogger has actually been busy at his corporate gig and philosophically finds it difficult to blog on his own time and not company time.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

the top 11 greatest mtv shows of all-time

this is an ode, a love blog, a "blode" to the greatest television station to not show copious amounts of gratuitous nudity. however, its utilization of teenagers and the sex they may or may not be having is enough to make me want to pull the proverbial plug if i ever decide i'm too old for the mtv. this "blode" will also serve to discount all those hipster pussies with their complicated shoes who whine about there not being any music videos on the mtv anymore. this talk is a bunch of applesauce and hooey because if people wanted music videos on their mtv, there would be music videos on the mtv. simple as that.

11. toge+her: fun with analogies! the monkees are to the beetles as 2ge+her is to n*sync. really though, this show was gr8! actually, i think it started as a made for tv moving picture and then turned into a short lived series. it had great songs with lyrics like "i know my calculus; it says u + me = us" and "say it don't spray it. i want the news, not the weather." plus, one of the band members, q.t., had a terminal illness in the show and the actor playing him ended up dying of a terminal illness in real life! how cool is that? (thank you bill walton) and, it also starred chris farley's less fat, less funny but balder brother.

10. my super sweet sixteen: ooh la and la! yes, this show is as super hot as it sounds. although, the participants weren't always as hot as they should be. but that was countered by the fact that the super sixteeners were foxy fifteeners for at least three quarters of the show and fifteen > sixteen. sure, it's formulaic: rich girl cries and rich girl gets car but there is just something about these spoiled, dumpy, not-as-attractive-as-they-should-be fifteen/sixteeners that is thrilling!

9. loveline: this is the show that introduced me to my radio bff, adam carolla, who i've been listening to for four hours every morning since i moved to los angeles. anyway, between the ace man's nasaly sarcasm and dr. drew's moribund, medical jargon i learned about such things as the "behymen" and that "squirting" is not a myth in the vein of sasquatch or the chupacabra. plus, this show ran immediately after the yet-to-be-mentioned "undressed" and i challenge any ripe teenage boy to sit through both shows without nearly passing out from loss of blood.

made: this is one of the mtv's few inspirational, feel good shows. plus, it often includes high schoolers where, i not only find a great deal of the chicks hot but also identify more with the pimply faced, awkward boys than i do with my own male contemporaries. although, i find the episodes with the morbidly obese girls who often have leno-esque jawlines almost unbearably depressing because ugly girls really have no chance in life. NONE! on the other side, when that hot cheerleader chick finally learns how motocross there is NOTHING more satisfying.

7. true life: this is one of the mtv's few informative, educational shows: mtv docs, yo! whether it's "true life: i'm poor," "true life: i'm addicted to crystal meth," or "true life: my dad has the gout" there really is no limit to the intriguing variety of it all. also, much like "made," it features normal looking people that even i'm better looking than and it's hard to find that on television; especially the mtv. though, my favorite episode is "true life: i'm on the jersey shore" because it included the most stereotypical, jersey guido loser of all time and he made me feel good about myself.

6. fat camp: this was a one-shot deal - a two-hour special where they only showed this show for like one weekend but replayed it thirty two times during that weekend of which i watched twenty eight of them. it was a documentary style show about fat teenagers at a fat camp (duh). not only did the show chronicle the young campers' struggles and/or triumphs with weight loss but it also included young romance and heartbreak. but, most importantly, it introduced america to the lovely little creature that is dianne. whether she's singing "sweet home alabama," walking around her cabin naked, or falling and crying she was literally impossible to take your eyes off of. seriously though, i'm not making fun; she really is neat and one of my friends on the 'space.

5. undressed: woah baby! this was the hottest show of the mtv's many hot shows. it was a soap opera type program with story lines lasting varying lengths of episodes where there were three separate plotlines at a time which included teenagers, college kids and young adults. as a high schooler, my favourite part of the show was the fact that all the college stories included coed, dormroom restrooms where, one way or another, there was a lot of implied female nudity and/or sexual activities. as a high school virgin who had never seen a bare breast for reals, this was very appealing to me and i could not wait to get to college. unfortunately, i wasn't smart enough to get into college nor was i cool enough to ever see a bare breast for reals until i was twenty-three-and-a-half.

4. real world/road rules/challenges: with apologies to an "american family" and lance loud, "the real world" is the seminal reality television show that begat all shows of its ilk. who knew that throwing a bunch of narcissistic, good looking, alcoholic, slutty, intellectual midgets would be the unquestioned, unparalleled formula for success? sure, that's not how it started but that's where it is and where it's best. and now, we have the "real world/road rules challenges" which pit former cast members, who cannot move past their fifteen minutes of fame, against each other in physical challenges. the star of these challenges is c.t., a douchebag from boston who is yet to meet his much overdue comeuppance. we are all awaiting when one of the many large and angry cast members of colour give c.t. his and theirs. by the way, i'll say it: i hated pedro. he was so pretentious and sanctimoniously highfalutin about his aids...YUCK!

3. jackass: this show was genius in its simple shenaniganry. who woulda' thunk it: a bunch of coked out, drunk skateboarding/aspiring actor losers videotaping their various testosterone fueled stunts would be so entertaining and gratifying? face it, dudes love watching their friends and strangers engage in varying degrees of amazing/silly/dangerous/painful stunts and the worse the outcome, the harder we laugh. where chicks don't get it, it couldn't be any clearer to guys. but, most importantly, we learned that it is possible to run and make a b.m., albeit loose and sloppy, at the same time.

2. laguna beach/the hills: vacuous conversation + hot rich chicks + hot rich dudes + no worries + the beach + hollywood + fancy cameras + not one fatty in any scene (except for the chubby mormon girl in "lb: season1" who quickly received the stretch cunningham treatment) = neat. "the hills" is a bona fide cultural phenomenon of which spans the halls of junior highs, to the bleachers of high school, to the dormitories of college, to the water coolers of offices, to the places where old persons hang out and talk about "the hills." however, "lb: season 1" with the l.c./kristin/stephen love triangle and the drama that followed will never be surpassed. i don't care how much silicone audrina stuffs into her chest or how many different ways spencer redefines douchebaggery; some remnant of "lb: season 1" belongs in the smithsonian alongside archie bunker's recliner. however, "lb: newport harbour" is often overlooked in this universe as the moment chrissy tells clay that she's a virgin and intends to continue to be so, all while in a hot tub, remains the hottest mtv moment of all time.

1. the tom green show: yes, "the tom green show." i am vexed to no ends that the mtv refuses to re-air this show or release it on dvd. all i have to feed my tom green fix are grainy youtube videos. people, like you, are quick to marginalize tom green's comedic prowess because of his less than stellar cinematic turns in "freddie got fingered" and "road trip." but his eponymously titled show with its origins in canadian public access gave us gonzo comedy in its rawest and best form since the likes of andy kauffman and opened the door for such performers as sacha baron cohen and ashton kutcher (ak: lolzzz?). tom green painted his parent's house plaid for crying out lout...PLAID!!! he had a whole episode hanging out with monica lewinsky and was so funny and obnoxious he was threatened with physical violence in nearly every episode. and, one cannot forget, his doughy sidekicks glenn humplik and phil giroux. for that year-and-a-half to two-year period on the mtv, there was no funnier human being on the planet than tom green. did his humour have staying power? no. was he talented enough to parlay his modicum of success into an actual career? no. but a falling star shines the brightest and the loudest laughter echoes the longest... i have no idea what i'm blogging aboot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ba dum BLOGger and i came to blows over the inclusion/omission of "oddville." i won.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

native american, little blog of colour

as we all know, the humans formerly known as midgets don't want to be called "midgets" anymore because they equate that word with the n' word. not sure if "midget" carries the same weight but whateva', if you're born hideously misshapen i think you should be able to claim whatever moniker you want. howeva', as a 5'5" and 155 lb. blogger i am offended that the humans formerly known as midgets have chosen the tag of "little people." i'm a little person. i'm smaller than the average man (the avg. american male is 5'9" and obese). wouldn't a more appropriate or accurate title for the humans formerly known as midgets be "disproportionate people?" this is just one of the many misnomers that belies the below average, white american male like myself. much like “native americans” - was i not born in america? if not native to america, where am i native to? another slap in the face is "people of colour" - am i clear or translucent? is my peachy olive hue not a colour? and, why is "coloured" even offensive? everyone knows the best part of "the wizard of oz" is when it gets "coloured." are colouring books prettier blank or "coloured." i don't know... life is hard for the native american, little people of colour like me.

we all know that "blog" is a portmanteau of "web" and "log" but what is a blog, really? is any original material written specifically for, by or on the internets automatically a blog? what's the difference betwixt a blogger and a columnist? other than my "no game" blogs, i think you can just as easily put any of my shizz in a newspaper and call it a column. i feel like the title of "blog" is used as a way to belittle the blogger's blog as amateurish or not as legit. why are my opinions any less relevant just because i am not paid for them, they do not appear in a major publication or because i only have three readers? sure, i have no qualifications but isn't the very ability to blog qualification enough as it is? they're just opinions; it's not like i'm playing journalist and pretending to break news like perez hilton or harvey levin. the mainstream media will also paint the picture of bloggers as being unemployed, schlubby cowards who hide behind their computer monitor and blog from their mother's basement all while holding themselves. a schlubby coward who is currently holding himself i may be however, i am very much so employed (albeit ungainfully), i do not live with my mother and i live in california; we don't even have basements because of earthquakes... duh.

just saw "tropic thunder;" funny moving picture. yet, it's being picketed and/or protested because of its use of the word and the depiction of "retards." first off, "tropic thunder" isn't making fun of the mentally challenged. it's making fun of hollywood's portrayal of the mentally challenged; big difference. secondly, the word "retard" may be offensive but it's a comedy and the phonetics of the word "retard" is inherently hilarious. not sure why but it's like "k" words, yiddish words and alliteration. "retard" is just funnier than "mentally challenged." lastly, and most importantly, the mentally challenged are mentally challenged and don't have the capacity to know when they're being made fun of. it doesn't mean it's okay but it's a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark. why their steads are dragging the mentally challenged away from their "playhouse disney" and play-doh to bang tubs of ice cream with wooden spoons outside of movie theaters is beyond me. really, do you think the humans formerly known as retards would rather pretend they're offended than sit at home and watch "the bear in the big blue house?" would you alert deaf people and sign them if there was a song making fun of them??? noooooo. would you bug a blind person and let them know if there was a blog poking fun at them??? noooooo. ignorance is bliss. just leave well enough alone... like i blogged before: like punching someone in the dark.

what's so great about the bald eagle? this is the mighty and majestic national animal and symbol of the greatness that is the usofa??? don't tread on me my arse! first off, the bald eagle is endangered. ENDANGERED!!! this bird is barely even surviving in its own land that it is a symbol of; it's been treaded on thoroughly. doesn't darwinism basically say that if you die off as a species that you're basically weak sauce? and, as a bird of prey, how can you become endangered? you fly and eat rodents. rodents have been around since the dinosaurs so it's not like there's a paucity of food. and you're a bird, you can fly! fly high and away from hunters, build your nest a little higher out of elmer fudd's reach. there is no excuse for bald eagles to let themselves become endangered. then, worst of all, they're bald. BALD!!! c'mon, as a balding blogger myself, there is nothing worse in life than being bald. especially as an american. america is the most superficial, shallow nation there is and we, the mighty usofa, have chosen a bald bird who can barely even stay on the grid. the bald eagle is a PATHETIC LOSER!!! as americans, is this the creature we want representing our unrivaled global dominance??? NO!!! i say we impeach the bald eagle and elect a new national animal and symbol that truly represents the usofa. i say we elect the most powerful and dominant animal of them all: (drum roll, please) ba dum... MAN!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

blog and jerk

more on the olympics: i just don't understand how you have all these women, who wouldn't even watch the super bowl much less an august baseball game, are now glued to their sets every night watching the likes of volleyball, badminton and swimming. SWIMMING?!?!?! even my mom, who never once gave five minutes to the thousands (yes, literally thousands) of baseball, basketball and football games on in our house, and now she's carving out time to watch swimming??? SWIMMING!?!?!? look, i understand this phelps phella is phantastic and swimming truly is an amazing athletic endeavor (unlike lance and his bike) but has anyone ever watched a second of swimming prior to this? another thing about this phelps phella' is that he's breaking all of mark spitz's records without a hair on his body while spitz had a moustache and a unibrow. can you imagine what spitz's records would've been sans 'stache??? there is no facial accoutrement less aqua-dynamic than the moustache. anyway, i also saw this poll on sportscenter last night where you had to decide on which event you'd rather watch or attend betwixt michael phelps swimming and usa basketball v. greece. swimming only won by a 55:45 clip (still too much). but, when they broke it down by state, only three chose basketball. SWIMMING?!?!?! is this as vexing to anyone else? don't even get me started on how chagrined i am when i google "snatch" and/or "clean and jerk" and all i get is some hungarian with a blown out elbow.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

flying blog monster

nobody would ever accuse me of being a proponent for scientology yet, it's utterly riwangulous when people bag on it like it's any nuttier than any other religion. simply put: it's newer. that's it. it's no crazier than christianity, hinduism, judaism, islam or the flying spaghetti monster. just look at scientology's origin story as compared to the judeo-christian yarn of yore. in scientology, xenu was some alien warlord who flew his minions to earth on a spaceship and 'xploded them in a volcano with their souls or thetans escaping and now embodying human beings. while, in judeo-christian lore, god created earth and its animals in six days while, on that seventh day, god made man out of dirt, gave him a soul and then made woman out of one of man's ribs. judeo-christian tales even have their own cosmic battle where it culminates with god kicking lucifer out of heaven and forcing him to set up shop in hell. really, the only difference is that, when the bible was written, the imagination was not sophisticated enough nor had it stretched into the actual science and/or pseudo science of outer space. for all intents and purposes, "heaven" and "hell" are the planets while "angels" and "demons" are the aliens. i could go on forever and get into it with all the similarities betwixt weird rituals, tithings and property scandals but i'm really squeezed for space.

speaking of cosmic battles, i may finally be turning the corner on the 'book in regards to its relation to the 'space. now, i'll maintain that the 'space is still a superior social networking site but the 'book is growing on me. not because of anything the 'book is doing, per se, but because of its growing popularity and proclivities amongst my own internets hoi polloi i'm finding my time shifting more towards the 'book. so, basically since a majority of my friends like it more i'm being forced to indulge as to keep up my internets’ relations. i just hate those dagnab networks and how they automatically prohibit me from cruisin' people's profiles. sure, myspace has their "private profiles" but that's a choice, not a built in, anti-stalking roadblock. the only bone i'll throw the 'book as being legitimately better is the "poke" feature. that's how i can tell if a girl wants to go to first base with me; if i poke and they poke back... i'm in! as a compromise, i'll admit that the 'book is better for networking amongst your actual friends while the 'space is better for stalking and keeping tabs on those you don't want to explicitly make privy you're keeping tabs on them. and, let's face it... these sites weren't created to keep friends with those you'd otherwise be keeping in touch with in the real world but for those of us who need their curiosities fed without picking up the phone or doing lunch.

a chum o' mine is about to become a father, and by proxy of his wifey being more affluently apt, a stay at home dad! i am soooo jealous of him. i can't wait to become a dad and, be it by lady, by petree dish or by namibia, i can only hope that i can be lucky enough to be a stay at home dad. see, the thing about being a parent is that it's the perfect cop-out for not doing anything meaningful with your life. kids are the proverbial blown out knee or torn rotator cuff in the ol' texas leagues. sure, i could've made the big leagues or could've made perez hilton the old ba dum BLOGger but no can do; i'm a dad! instead, i've parlayed my lack of ambition, drive, work ethic and fulfilling of dreams into colouring books, "blue's clues," macaroni and cheese, soccer practice and disneyland. i've failed at making myself happy so now i'll make my kid(s) happy. and, you know what people will say to all this??? awwww, what a great dad! when, in reality, i just couldn't cut it in the real world and am now reliving my own lost childhood in neverland like peter pan amongst his lost boys.

editor's note: yes, the next bit was previously posted but is much more timely and relevant now than it was the month ago it was originally blogged. as the editor, i'll fall on this redundant sword.

the olympics are here!!! woohooo... NOT!!! really, who watches the olympics? all the olympics are is a collection of sporting events that nobody, i mean NOBODY, cares about and then we're expected to tune in every four years all in the name of patriotism? like i've said before, i like america and am glad to have been born here but you won't see me waving the american flag or crying during the national anthem. being born an american is just as random as being born an albino, an alligator or, appropriately enough, an albino alligator. besides, why should i root for america? america is like that perfect guy in high school who was the star of the football team, got straight a's, got all the hot chicks and, ultimately, was a big fat jerk. you don't root for that guy. you have nothing in common with that guy. you don't want to see him succeed. you are jealous of this guy. in fact, you are filled with hypocritical glee when you see him lose the high school championship game to the rival team filled with their own collection of perfect jerks (ccs playoffs, hollister def. palma, best night of my hs life). that's why i've decided i'm hitching my train to jolly ol' england for the olympic games: brits are squirrelly looking, have bad teeth, have great command of the queen's english, can't cook, have horrible complexions, have fantastic senses of humour and were basically dumped, rejected and successfully beaten by america... just like me - ba dum BLOGger!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

bloghood of the traveling blogs 2

christina applegate was just diagnosed with the breast cancer, but luckily, it was detected early enough where it aint no thang. now, this is going to be horrible but this is what the ba dum BLOG!!! is for - a place where all of ba dum BLOGger's awful thoughts come to roost; sans filter, sans apologies and sans correct punctuation/grammar. now, there has to be some sort of correlation betwixt hot chicks and early breast cancer detection. not just from their bfs, husbands and little brothers grabbing their boobies and kneading them like dough all the time either. but mostly because hot chicks are way more comfortable with their bodies and, thus feel themselves up more often, walk around naked more often and are just more familiar with their bodies in general. face it, ugly people with dumpy bodies just aren't as in tune with all the nooks and crannies of their flesh pods... and why should they be? it's depressing to acknowledge and constantly be reminded of all your flaws and failures. face it, groping your own two tube socks filled with mashed potatoes is akin to reaching into a chum bucket and grabbing a sloppy fistful of chum ("fistful of chum:" good name for a band). moral to the story - hot chicks: feel your boobies and let people feel your boobies with extreme prejudice. ugly, dumpy chicks: get hot so you can accrue the self-esteem to feel your boobies without becoming depressed so you don't die of cancer.

"honour" is one of those things where no good can or ever does come from. watch any movie with any sort of asian or kung fu and all they're ever blabbin' about is "honour this" and "honour that.." and, when it's all said and done, about half the cast ends up dead because someone took a crap on someone else's precious honour. actually, you could probably substitute respect/disrespect from any gangster/gangsta' (italian/black) moving picture and have the same blog. be that as it may (and it may!), i'll stick to honour because i like spelling it in the queen's english to offend all you american cowboys. what it is though is that these people just take themselves too seriously. fine, someone stole your gf or took a dump on your porch... big deal. is it worth beating someone up, getting beat up, killing and/or getting killed over? yet, as these mongoloids rot in their bamboo jail cells or one of their kung fu buddies eulogizes them at their funerals, they'll inevitably fall back on, "at least i/he still have/has my/their honour." yuck, give me my crappy life with no honour and friends who like me instead of fearing me.

"the sisterhood of the traveling pants 2" just dropped and i will give a thorough analysis in regards to which of the young ladies of tsottp2 i wouldn't mind dropping my pants for, getting into their pants and traveling in them.
alexis bledel: i definitely think this girl is the cutest of the bunch and, in the eyes of ba dum BLOGger, cutest equals hottest. i don't really know much about her other than she was a gillmore girl in the eponymously titled "gillmore girls." and, this was one of those shows that glorifies girls being slutty and having lots of sexual intercourse without contraceptives all while dressing it up as girls being free and uninhibited in a very healthy, feminist, family values sort of way.
america ferrera: i'm usually not one for chubby mexican chicks with whom the media is enamored with and labels as "healthy" when, even after dropping 20 lbs., is still about 10-15 lbs. overweight. however, through all that, america is actually is pretty hot... against all odds, she is pulling off squatty mexican chick! plus, she's the most famous of the bunch and is the ugly betty of "ugly betty."
blake lively: now, i didn't even know this chick was in the first one and am not even sure if she was even part of the original "sisterhood" or if they're just capitalizing on her "gossip girl" fame. omfg! either way, she's a hot, leggy blonde; no denying that. however, nothing bores me more than a "hot, leggy blonde" with no discernable features. i don't mind blondes, per se, but i'm more of a gwyneth paltrow kind of guy because she at least has some character in her face - a goofy smile and a nose you can hang your previously dropped pants on.
amber tamblyn: i'll tell you right now, this chick just doesn't do it for me. i mean, in real life i'd probably date her and marry her but not in make beleive, i've got something to say, blog world. she has a weak chin and a skinny fat girl body. it's weird, i would venture to guess that ugly betty has a firmer body than amber tamblyn. plus, she was the star of "joan of arcadia." any show that glorifies hot chicks talking to make believe wizards in the sky just gives more excuses for them not to talk to me.
the winner (or loser, depending how you look at it): ugly betty!!! no, not america ferrera; ugly betty. yes, she'd have to wear the braces, glasses and chub it up a little. before anything else, i am a blogger of novelty and there is nothing more novel than traveling in ugly betty's lane bryant bloomers. however, i may still belt out a “i’m coming in and/or on america!”

bad um BLOG!!!
editor's note: yes, this blog has a decidedly chauvanistic/jerky bent to it but methinks this wouldn't be the case if girls weren't always so mean to ba dum BLOGger all the time :(