Tuesday, September 30, 2008

ba dum BLOGger has no "game" vol. 6

bloggers like me (losers) need a great deal of circumstance and luck to get chicks. we aren't going to a bar and handpicking the belle of the ball, slinging her drunken body over our shoulder and bringing her back to our den. we just can't. we gots no "game." this means when we have an opportunity of circumstance we need to pounce and pounce hard. whether it be a cute girl in the cubicle next to us, a hot chick in class or a literal girl next door (or a few doors down) as in a neighbour; these situations provide bloggers like me (losers) to organically get to know a girl and woo her in a low pressure, unthreatening way. of course, nine times out of ten, this leaves us in the dreaded "friend zone" but it's better than being mocked and made fun of, ten times out of ten, at bars. this is why it still sticks in my craw to this day when i couldn't open or close the deal with a couple of neighbour girls a few doors down. so, if you'd please indulge me as we (my reader and i) take a ride in the way back machine to about two years ago (give or take a year...).

so, my roommate and i had just moved into a new apartment and whilst our apartment manager was going over the particulars she let us know that we may be getting a fair amount of mail for the girls who used to live in our place but have since moved a few doors down. of course, my desperate/opportunistic wheels start a-turnin' and before i could even get my hands on that mail i decided that once i got their names from their mail that i'd plug them into myspace and see what we're dealing with. diabolical? yes. creepy? perhaps. stalkerish? probably. something that every guy would do if they had the foresight and were genius enough to think of but would never have the keep-it-realness to admit? indubitably: stone cold, lead pipe lock of a fact. so, i found their myspaces, which weren't "private," (which immediately earned them 10 "cool chick points") and were both attractive (but not too attractive) and single! i couldn't ask for a better situation!!! however, a bigger discrepancy betwixt great situation and huge loser could not have occurred.

right from the get-go, our mail box was flooded with moderately attractive neighbour chick mail. and, for better or for worse (i'll let you guess which it is/was), my roommate was gone on business and not spending much time at our apartment so the onus fell entirely on me to deliver the mail and male. so here i am, literally knock-kneed, sweating and pacing in our apartment with a handful of moderately attractive neighbour chick mail rehearsing over and over again in my head what i'm going to say upon delivering said mail. of course, i already knew their names and what they looked like so i was scheming and racking my brains over something clever i could offer during introductions. well, there is no chance of them ever reading this so i'll let you in on their names since this is important to my clever quip i had chambered. their names were amber and ashley with the former having strawberry blondish hair and the latter with dark brown hair. can you see where i'm going with this??? my genius line, upon introductions, was to make the observation that their names and hair colours should be reversed since ashley has amber coloured hair and amber had ashy coloured hair. where else but http://www.badumblog.bogspot.com/ can you get this kind of candid, unadulterated insight into one of the internets' great minds?

so here i am, mail in hand and at the door. i ring the bell and one of the moderately attractive neighbour chicks answers (i think it was ashley), i introduce myself as the new neighbour, she introduces herself and calls amber to the door to meet me as well. we all exchanged pleasantries where i proceeded to metaphorically piss all over myself with nary a quip, nary anything except for me looking at the ground, mumbling my name and giving them a requisite "nice to meet you." of course, i now realize that it's best i didn't go with the hair/name line but, at the time, i had it chambered and ready to go and i still could've said something, right? of course, since i'm a neurotic head case, i never bounced back from this initial meeting and proceeded to just leave their mail under their door matt and continued to give muted "hellos" during our chance meetings in the halls. of course, me retreating to turtle shell mode was completely irrational and a total overreaction to nothing but i just couldn't stomach having anything more than a two minute conversation with the moderately attractive neighbour chicks. it just wasn't worth the aggravation and self-loathing. then again, they didn't show much of an interest in anything more than a two minute conversation either so it probably wouldn't have progressed any further anyway, right? but still...

so, yada, yada, yada they moved out a couple of months later and that was that. why is this relevant; other than having to fill blog space in a daily blog? because we just had some neighbours move out and, over the excitement of getting new neighbours, i was reminded of what not to do if we got another duo of hot, neighbour chicks. actually, i hope we don't. i know it sounds ridiculous but my mind just races and can't help but put all these ridiculous expectations and scenarios in play. does everyone's mind work like this or am i just the only one dumb enough to blog it? i don't know what i expected... i didn't have to get to second base with them or anything but we were of the same age and everything so we could've at least been friends, right? and then, they could meet my friends, i could meet their friends and we'd all have more friends by proxy. a very underreported part of graduating college is just how you took for granted that 90% of your friends have always come from school and now you're leaving that fertile crescent of social fertility behind. and, to be honest, i really haven't figured out how to make friends in a post-college world. i mean, i've made a few good friends through work but it's just not as easy. anyway, back to getting new neighbours, it would be nice if they were some guys or girls of similar age so their could be potential for friendship but i just know that it'll probably just be some loud armenian family who will stink up the halls with their potent food. you ever notice that? i think you can tell how long minorities have been in america by how much their food permeates the surrounding areas. the more pungent, the more fobish... just sayin.'

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: daily blogging = quantity over quality.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

the top 10 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 1

i don't have the chops to provide a real, comprehensive analysis of all things debates so i'll provide a more eclectic, gimmicky look at what i saw and heard (and, more importantly, what you didn't see and hear). besides, this thing has been analyzed and taken apart a million times over by now and i don't just merely want to hitch my blog to their professional, well written, analytical wagons and provide my ba dum BLOGateers with the silly, irrelevant and inconsequential underbelly of all things debated.

*blogged and listed in chronological order

1. john mccain bringing up ted kennedy: did anyone else get the sense that they had a coin flip backstage over who would get to mention ted kennedy's deteriorating health during the debates? i just find it odd that john boy would be the one to do it in lieu of o'bama since kennedy has kinda' been like his mentor and big fat white benefactor. or, was this just mccain politickin' and extending the proverbial bi-partisan olive branch? either way, it was awkward and strange.

2. wall street "bad," main street "good:" i can't tell you why but i found this whole wall street vs. main street thing very clever and effective. is this a common and known phrasing to distinguish betwixt the phat cats on wall street as opposed to the normal, corn fed lot on main street? since both candidates were using it and using it quite liberally, i doubt this phrase was just coined that night. either way, i was amused and every time someone said "main street" it made me think of disneyland :)

3. no commercials: really, no commercials??? it's bad for the debators, it's bad for the bloggers and it's bad for the economy. it's not like the debators are merely just standing their and reading a pre-fed speech off the teleprompter either. for one thing, they're standing, which isn't easy, and i'd imagine this is probably one of the most taxing ordeals you could ever put your brain through. we can't give these fellas one 10 minute break??? it's tough for bloggers too. i actually peed into a bucket in my living room just so i wouldn't miss anything. for that two minute span i almost devolved into a middle american and nearly signed up for the military and said a prayer. and, most importantly, it's bad for the economy. c'mon, the debate is a ratings bonanza... let's sell some shizz!

4. o'bama needs "hatchet, not scalpel:" i'd like to consider myself a wordsmith and finely tuned into all matters of word choice and diction. this is why i almost slid out of my seat when i heard o'babma say he needed to use a "hatchet, not a scalpel" in regards to fixing the broken economy. now, i believe phrases like this are chambered and decided upon with your handlers and speech writer type guys beforehand as opposed to just coming off the top of your head. but why a "hatchet and not a scalpel?" because barack has been accused of being an "elitist," meaning he hails from the world of academia, deals in nuance and gives thoughtful, wordy answers. now, who uses a scalpel? the educated and creative; doctors and artists use scalpels as it's a tool of fine, thoughtful movements utilized to dissect and carve. while a hatchet is an axe; a crude tool of broad, sweeping movements. injuns and rednecks use hatchets to hack wood, scalps and in-laws. this was o'bama eliciting thoughts of impulsive, decisive action as to distance himself from the world of academia and center himself on the political landscape to appeal to the thoughtless, fuddy duddies of america.

5. warshington's "orgy of spending:" see, he did it again!!! o'bama referred to the government's loose purse strings as an "orgy of spending." just like with before, he's centering himself and appealing to the undecided, right leaning contingency. when middle america hears "orgy," their jesus crosses burn an imprint into their chest. and here, o'bama is eliciting this feeling and attributing it to warshington, the current administration and republicans. orgies = sin, warshington = sin and republicans = sin. oh no, the republicans sinned!!! hell hath no fury on the economy like an angry god's scorn... must mean it's time for o'bama to ride in on his half white steed, clean house and give warshington back to jesus!

6. john mccain is NOT "miss congeniality:" john boy made this comment not only once but twice. of course, we all know what he was trying to say - mainly that he's tough and not one to go along party lines just for the sake of staying buddy buddy with "team republican" when there's some serious reform and presidential butt kickin' to be doled out. however, this was a curious phrase to turn since john boy's running mate, sarah palin, was named "miss congeniality" in a miss alaska pageant from the 80s. this begs the question: is it good or bad to be named "miss congeniality." will palin's congeniality compliment and make up for john boy's lack there of or did he make a booboo and add too much congeniality to the gop's ticket?

7. o'bama doesn't know the difference betwixt "tactic and strategy:" yes, john boy accused o'bama of not understanding the subtle differences betwixt the words when they debated the iraq war. i thought about it and i don't know if i know the difference either other than a "strategy" is something that fosters and comes before a "tactic?" anyway here's what www.dictionary.com has to say: "in military usage, a distinction is made between strategy and tactics. strategy is the utilization, during both peace and war, of all of a nation's forces, through large-scale, long-range planning and development, to ensure security or victory. tactics deals with the use and deployment of troops in actual combat." neat.

8. the battle of the bracelets: first off, i blame lance armstrong for all this bracelet nonsense; what started off as cute and kitschy has gone full blown ridiculous and annoying. as john boy is trying to rationalize the war in iraq he harkens back to a flimsy, rubber bracelet some mother of a fallen soldier gave mccain and asked him to "make sure her son's death was not in vain." but o'bama would not be outdone… nay!!! he busted out his own bracelet that another mother of a fallen soldier gave to him and asked to "make sure no more mothers have to go thorough this" - meaning dying for a phony war. this was easily the most embarrassing part of the debate. poor o'bama even had to take a beat and read off the name of the fallen soldier from his notes. also, how many bracelets do they think they’re given and how do they decide which one to use in primetime? i think o'bama should've just pulled up his sleeve and said "i have a bracelet too; it's for type 2 diabetes mellitus and it let's people know i may need a cookie or insulin if i am comatose" game, set, match: o'bama.

9. obama "taking them (pakistan) out": woah, o'bama does NOT like pakistan. it's as if he just threw a dart at the middle east to decide where he would take his macho, blowhardy stand just to show team republican that he wasn't a milquetoast, weenie. but, wow... when he actually used the phrase of "taking them out" even a macho, war mongerer like mccain looked shocked. did anyone else know about pakistan being such a rabblerouser??? i sure haven't. i've heard about iraq, iran, north korea and russia... but "taking them (pakistan) out???" like, woah.

10. o'bama didn't "um" or stutter: i found this the most impressive part of the debate. o'bama was an ummin,' stutterin' machine. do people realise how difficult a thing this is to kick? much less at a tension filled forum like a debate in from of the whole country. of course, all the "ums" and stuttering is because o'bama's brain is a churnin' with a bazillion thoughts and ideas at once, but still... on the other hand, john boy still spewed out one "my friends" and still hasn’t kicked that creepy arm thing that makes him look like he’s wading through a cold crick.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

gaudy, empty trinkets of blog

does anybody actually wear their high school, class ring? wait, let me reblog that: has anybody who actually spent the three hundred dollars it took to buy a class ring look at it collecting dust in their closet and say "ahhhh, high school... really takes me back" as opposed to becoming riddled with regret over all the things they wish they could spend that money on now? and yes, i realise that many of your parents bought you your ring but wouldn't you have rather they spent that money on an extra meal card for you in college (assuming you ring wearing mongoloids got into college) or, god forbid, spent the money on themselves? seriously, these rings have gotta' be one of the biggest scams on earth. i hope jostens (you know, the class ring company... ) is one of the casualties of our economic doldrums. and, i know this is hard to believe but while i was emotionally and socially waaaaaaay behind the curve in high school, i was still evolved enough to not even feign a modicum of interest in these gaudy, empty trinkets of forced nostalgia. it's not even really a keepsake either. a high school keepsake is the lucky shirt you wore when you lost your virginity or the bottle of malted liquor that gave you your first overnight drunk. wait, let me reblog this, as well, since i wasn't cool enough to have lost my virginity in high school, much less actually get invited to a party where your peers drank malted liquor and talked to girls: a high school keepsake is the vhs tape of a backyard wrestling match your friends put on or that nintendo 64 controller you used to beat chris sorenson with in game of "nfl blitz" (two people will get these references, counting me).

you people watch that show "weeds?" it's okay, nothing to write home to mom about but i wouldn't kick it out of bed for eating crackers either. anyway, i only watch the seasons after they come out on netflix because i don't get the showtime channel. however, even without being up on the current season's storylines, i have been made aware by my beloved pornorazzi sites (thank you, www.drunkenstepfather.com) that the show's star, mary louise parker, has not only gotten nude once, but twice!!! how does this happen? how does the show's star, who hasn't even gotten naked once during the first three seasons, all of a sudden show her boobies, twice?!?!?! was this in her contract, were ratings down or was mary louise just feeling frisky fun and fancy free? this had to be a ratings grab, right? but why would mary louise agree and how would the director even broach this subject? that's what i don't get about hollywood. do all these smoking hot celebrities like getting naked for all to see or are they just that into their "craft" where they legitimately think the nudity is important to the character and the story and not just due to the director's and the general hoi polloi's perversions. i mean, i'm not complaining but am intrigued by the whole process, nonetheless. how great must it be to be an actor? dudes almost never have to show their wiener but get to grind up against hot celebrity's naked bodies all the time just in the name of "acting." how do they not get boners??? i feel light headed just blogging about it.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: i have made an executive, editorial decision that ba dum BLOGger will NOT blog on the weekends. not because he can't, but because we need to keep up the allusion of some sort of social life that would preclude him from blogging every SINGLE day... it's just bad for his image. also, 10 "ba dum BLOGateer cool dude points" for anyone who gets the reference of the second pic.

swashblogging

am i crazy or is this whole mccain suspending his election and putting off the debate so he can save the economy just a case of good ol' fashion politickin'? sure, the economy is a big deal and needs to be fixed but can't warshington figure it out sans one senator and one congressman? is mccain going to make some grand errol flynn-esque, swashbuckling gesture where he swings into warshington on a chandelier, brandishes his musket, rapes a damsel and saves the economy? heck, maybe he will and is that important to fixing the economy but this just reeks of "following him to the gates of hell," "eliminating evil," macho, empty republican rhetoric. maybe this is what a leader does and mccain is right and genuine in doing so. i also might concede to the idea that my bias is getting the best of me in my skepticism of the maverick mavericking his way out of the debates and into belly of the beast that is the economy. still though, mccain's at an all time low in the polls and its supposedly because of the economy and this is his way of showing that "country comes first," his party blew it and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. or, this could also be a whole production to make o'bama look like he doesn't care about the economy and is more concerned with his bid for president than for the country. however, mccain lost all benefit of the doubt when he crossed letterman by cancelling on him to save the economy all whilst chillin' with katie couric. i really don't know... do you???

pardon me if this has been mentioned or blogged before but sarah palin is rocky of the eponymously titled sly stallone vehicle, "rocky." not in the sense that she's an underdog and is going to win, like hillary tried to draw allusions to during her campaign (especially since rocky did NOT win). but in the sense that she's just some politically charged marketing ploy who was chosen and created in a smoke filled room of scheming suits. remember, rocky wasn't picked because he was the best, or even good – he was a tomato can, but because he was some working class dago (the italian stallion) from the streets of philadelphia (thank you, bruce springsteen) who the downtrodden people of philly could get behind - he was the "american dream." much like palin is a hot female, from a small town, has a big family, is a bible humper, hunts and is righter than dubya - the "republican american dream." rocky was merely supposed to put butts in seats, make the suits some money (not box) - that's it. just like palin was chosen to win the election (not actually vp) - that's it. sure, palin could end up surprising all sane minded people and turn out to be a competent vp like rocky turned out to be a competent boxer but shouldn't the bar be a little higher for second in command? actually, i can see it turning out a lot like "rocky" - palin surprises everyone with her skillz and moxy, still loses but gains enough momentum and the actual experience needed to be a real life political player and legitimately makes some real vp/presidential waves in the next four years much like rocky goes on to become a legitimate boxer, gets his rematch and eventually defeats apollo creed. ehhh, this doesn’t quite work, does it? consider this a daily blog space filler.

not done with the vp; the system is broke and needs to be fixed. the vp isn't a two month campaign boost but an actual job with real duties - especially when you're duties include being on deck for leader of the free world. but especially when the leader of the free world in question is a septuagenarian with a litany of health issues. so, this is what i propose: make the selection of vp occur after the presidential election in the same way the president chooses his cabinet. even my dearest and closest friend, who is a lifelong member of team republican, admits that there were AT LEAST fifty republicans who would've served as a better vp and that palin was chosen to merely galvanize women voters. while i'm still not sure what coating women with zinc to avoid rusting has to do with anything, i gathered his point through context, nonetheless. so, is being a political mascot make you qualified to be vp? nope! so, how about we do as i said with choosing the vp after the election and create an actual position of "presidential mascot" and good ol' palin can travel around to all sorts of rallies, sticker stops, etc. and bring along one of those t-shirt guns (she like guns) that you see at sporting events and make hay. and, barack could choose bono or something and he could sing his "uno, dos, tres, catorce" song and talk about aids in africa. or, we could just do as we did in the olden days and have the loser of the presidential election become the defacto vp. why not? maybe that could even serve as the first step in eliminating all this partisan poppycock and help do away with the hackneyed party system. or maybe i have no clue what i'm blogging aboot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we promise, we'll have a blog of levity tomorrow without the politics. and, ba dum BLOGger is italian and reserves the right to use all italian racial slurs in accordance with the n'word theory of owning it and taking away some of its juice.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

the day the blogging died

september 23, 2008 will be forever known as "the day the ambiguity died." much like february 3, 1959 is known as "the day the music died" and september 20, 2008 shall be remembered as "the day two marginal celebrities survived while a publicist, a bodyguard a pilot and a candlestick maker, all of which are of little or no significance, died." neat, huh? anyway, back to the 'mos... yes, lindsay lohan and clay aiken have both emerged from their respective, not so secretive or furtive, closets. yay, good for them!!! seriously though, i love the gays. well, maybe i don't love them inasmuch that i hate all the wacko, religious zealots who loathe and condemn their bumpluggery and clambakery to hell or, at the very least, confine them to the darkness of their metaphorical closets of shame. either way, i'm on team "clayDo" and "LezLo" because when homosexual people don't come out and own themselves they are giving credence to the "don't ask, don't tell" attitude that implies they are wrong and should be embarrassed for being themselves and living their nonthreatening, nonimposing on your lives lives. you watch though; all the twenty-four-hour-a-day news network, talking heads will wax moronic saying things like "who cares how they live their lives?," "why do they need to make an announcement of their own personal affairs?" and/or "you don't see me bragging about how i hunt moose and use pretty words like 'dressing' to literally dress up the idea of gutting and skinning a still warm animal carcass." actually, i'm not that against hunting but the whole idea of "dressing" a moose is grosser than sodomy, right? at least sodomizing (or "gomorrahizing" - really gomorrah got off easy...) includes consent betwixt two, like minded human beings. look, i digressed and i know this is all very stream of conscious and scattershot but the important thing is that all you 'mos need to come out and come out with such extreme force that your calves cramp up and "closets" don't even exist anymore. in all sincerity though; more important than the economy, the war, mccain not knowing how to use computers or o'bama being an infanticidist is the fact that we have this whole group of people in america who are terrified of what their families, their friends, their bosses, their colleagues, their church, etc. would think of them if they merely just expressed themselves and their love for others with the same zeal and zest all us heteros are afforded. that is all... yay homos, boo closets... HISSSSS!

ba dum BLOG!!!


editor's note: yes, we know LezLo technically came out on sunday, september 21 on the loveline show but "the thirty-six-hour span the ambiguity died" doesn't have the same tambour to it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

futblog americano

do professional athletes wear deodorant? heck, i wouldn't. i think the best offense is an offensive odor. this strategy would probably work best in basketball since you're indoors and are bumpin' and grindin' (thank you, r. kelly) in a smaller, more confined and, dare i say, more intimate space. football and rugby would work too i guess; especially on the lines of scrimmages, piles and scrums. however, this may present problems in the huddle - maybe that's why donovan mcnabb was vomiting in the super bowl. but i would definitely do this and i wouldn't stop at just merely not deodorizing myself. perhaps, i'd bathe myself in a bleu cheese and sulfur cocktail, leave my jersey in a smokers lounge, eat some garlic fries and/or step in some doggy doo doo. just think of the psychological and physical advantages this would give me. would anyone be able to bring themselves to play tight d on me, box me out or post me up? i wonder if this would even be legal or if they'd create some rule because they were tired of cleaning the puke off the court. also imagine all the great nicknames that could be had like "stinky pete," "foul freddy," "hank the stank," "latrell the smell" or, if the whole team employed this, "the stenchmen." shoot, all i know is that if they threw some namby pamby zones at me to combat the stank that i'd bust that shizz with some smoove j's, yo!

we need to get rid of extra points in football. or, give them the appropriate nomenclature of "superfluous points," "redundant points" or, simply put, "a joke." futbol americano is undoubtedly the most perfect, seamless and well oiled machine we have here in the usofa. heck, i'd even contend that it's art and better than porno movies. and why is this so? it's because of the drama and that nobody really knows what's going to happen but, at the same time, completely obsessed with what will and could happen - hence gambling, fantasy and just simply watching the games (i literally watched nine hours straight on sunday - literally). then why is there a key, point earning component to the game that has a success rate of 99.7%? there is no room for "gimmes" in football. sure, we have the alternative point after option of the two-point conversion but coaches only choose this option 1% of the time and chiefly occurs in moments of desperation rather than in moxy and/or hubris (thank you, mike shanahan). the two-point conversion is good; how about we just eliminate the extra-point in lieu of this? some would agree with this, but the drama of choice and risk in deciding which point after method you'd employ is an integral part of it all. not to mention, it'd just seem redundant and confusing to see all these two-point conversions after five yard touchdowns. how about the extra point is moved back to a 30 or 40 yard kick? then, this would also be weird because a 20 yard field goal would be worth the standard three points while a 30 or 40 yard extra point would be only the one point. so, i say this: make the extra point 30 yards and eliminate the option of field goals under 30 yards and thus making the new red zone begin at the 30 yard line and renaming it the "four down zone." how say you?

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

live blogging of the first 45 mins. of the emmys

holy crap, i'm live blogging the prime time emmys which are brought to you by the academy of television arts and sciences. this just may be the least compelling blog i have ever blogged but i think this is something that real life bloggers do and when in the blogosphere, blog as the bloggers blog. this task won't only challenge me mentally but physically, as well. see, i'm already mentally tv'd out from watching nine straight hours of football and now i'm tacking on three more hours of emmy fun for twelve straight hours of tv - holy mackerel! not to mention, i only blog with one finger and am not sure i'm physically up to snuff to physically keep up with all the emmy comings and goings in a live fashion. so here we is: the emmys, live blogged by ba dum BLOGer at www.badumblog.blogspot.com - tell your friends!

*blogged earlier this evening*

800pm
- okay, some little montagey type thing
with all these tv people saying silly quotes from famous tv shows and, incidentally, just ripped off my opening line of "holy crap" over and over again.
-here's oprah in a flowing red dress blowing hard and welcoming us to the show. and now she's quoting groucho marx about how educational television is: "whenever someone turns on the television, i leave the room and open a book." amazing, she's actually quoting someone other than another black person (racist?).
- ugh, the emmy's are being hosted by all the hosts who are nominated for be
st hosts in a reality show - howie mandel, jeff probst, ryan seacrest, heidi klum (eat it, tyra!) and tom bergeron.
- hei
di klum is taller than all of them and wearing a suit.
- howie just made a sarah palin joke in reference to them having nothing to say. win or lose, sarah palin will go down as the biggest celebrity of 2008. - their bit is that they have nothing to say nor is anything loaded in the prompter (cop out). bergeron and klum are completely silent because they have the least talent.
- oh, that was the joke. it's their network (abc) so they're the ones speaking now. hah, klum made a joke about howie being a hypochondriac.
- they just brought up bill shatner on stage to bail them out and they ripped off klum's tux to reveal a sexy little black number (sexist).
- tina fey and a very pregnant amy pohler have just stepped on stage to say "hi" to all the other countries watching the show. they're both hot and funny... unlike me. amy pohler is also very tan which i didn't know was allowed... you know, to go into a tanning booth when preggers.
- oh, they're announcing the best m
ale supprting actor in a comedy series. it's between jon cryer (gay), kevin dillon (cool), nph (gay), jeremy piven (hair plugs) and someone else i wasn't fast enough to type.
- piven wins! good for him, i guess. he reminds me of a less cool, less talented bob downey jr. without the sense of humour and good head of hair. piven is struggling in his acceptance speech and just made a ridiculous joke about being a roofer that bombed, which he acknowledged and then went on to make fun of the rambling, awkward opening from the four hosts.
- twelve minutes in, a commercial break and i don't think i can do this. i thought i'd have room for a lot more tangents and digressions but i've turned into stenographer with more typos per minute than words.

816pm
- bergeron and seacrest are sitting in the "seinfeld" diner and they show the scene from "the contest" (you know, the masturbation one) where they lay out the groundwork for... the contest. classic, i think larry david won an emmy for writing this episode.
- out comes julia louis-dreyfus. she kind of has a witch face buit she's still hot.
- oh, she's announcing best supporting actress in a comedy series (i need to quit being surprised by this). the noms are kristen chenowith (buxom) amy poheler (never seen anyone nominated from snl before), jean smart (who?), holland someone (who), vanessa williams (seen her naked in penthouse). jean smart wins from "samantha who?"... jean smart who??? lolzzz
- gotta take a crap.
- wow, my crap break was the exact same length (time wise) as jean smart's acceptance speech.

- i always though "samantha who?" was about an asian chick (you know, like samantha "hu") but i guess christina applegate is "samantha."

825pm
- probst and klum are talking about chicks and this segues into an awkward kiss betwixt the two... and now a clip from "desperate housewives."
- i've never seen this sh
ow. oh boy, all the sluts from wisteria lane are here. i think the only hot one is eva longoria.
- oh, they're announcing supporting actor in a drama. the noms are ted
danson (hair peice), michael emmerson (creepy), zeljko ivanek (who), bill shatner (yawn) and john slattery (prematurely gray).
- zeljko ivanek wins! who???? for some show called "damages" what??? why didn't john slattery or michael emmerson win? at least i watch their shows ("mad men" and "lost," respectively).
- ricky gervais is on... YESSSS!!!! he has easily got to be the most talented person in the theater. gosh, he's funny. the brits just get it. he just introduced a montage of "funny" acceptance speeches. lolzzzz... NOT!!! show more gervais!!!
- nice!!! gervais is ripping steve carrell who has unserendipitously (i actually spelled this right the first time, thank you) ruined the character gervais serendipitously created in the british office. really, the british office is to the nba as the american one is to the wnba. i don't know how anyone can watch it after first watching the british one. i do really like the dawn character of pam in the american one though. she's soooooo hot
- i love her. i wonder if she's at the emmys.

841pm

- i give up. i'll never be a real blogger. i just can't type fast enough to interject all the things that make me an okay blogger instead of a horrible stenographer.

- besides, j-lo hewitt and hayden panetierre just came on so i'll need some time to myself.


900pm

- so, there you have it: the first 45 minutes of the emmys live blogged at www.badumblog.blogspot.com by ba dum BLOGger.
- i am a n00b, i have failed... pwn3d.
- i need a cigarette.

- even though i'm posting the blog on sunday night, this still counts as my first blog for the one day a blog era.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

state of the ba dum BLOG!!!

hi and hello ba dum BLOGateers! it's time for the first ever "state of the ba dum BLOG!!!" we have been up and running for about six months now and i think i've turned in maybe a "c+" to a "b-" effort. we started out okay and furiously peaked in june and july where we averaged two to three blogs a week! however, i have been in a massive slump and blog malaise for the past month or so and am crestfallen to no ends with my dearth of blog production, blog quality, blog frequency and overall blogging. why did this occur? i'm not sure but we're working on rectifying this tragic turn of events. ba dum BLOG!!! shall rise again - like a phoenix from the ashes!!!

starting monday, september 22 you will begin seeing a massive spike in blog production - a blog tumescence, or renaissance, if you will. to become a real life blogger it will take more than a sanding of gepetto's wood and a wave from the blue fairy's wand, it must come from within - we will plumb the depths of our creative well and we will plumb it hard, deep and often. yes, as a ba dum BLOG!!! premium member (thank you, bill o'reilly) you will receive original content at least, yes AT LEAST once a day. no more of this one to three blogs a week... nay, AT LEAST one a day! we're not sure yet how and if content will differ but ba dum BLOGateers will now be getting blogs every day and, perhaps even, multiple times a day.

also, i'll let you in on a little bit of inside blogging and reveal that ba dum BLOG!!! is averaging about twenty views a day. quite frankly (thank you, stephen a. smith), this is pathetic. our goal here at ba dum BLOG!!! is, during the course of the AT LEAST one blog a day run, to eventually average close to one hundred views a day, everyday in three months' time. ambitious? yes. impossible? yes. laughable? yes. but without goals, we have soccer and NOBODY likes soccer. which means that, in three months time, ba dum BLOG!!! will be the second most hated/lamest thing in amerca next to soccer. and, once/if we meet our goal, we will also start producing official ba dum BLOG!!! chatskie in the form of t-shirts, coffee mugs, temporary tattoos, lanyards, beer couseys, keychains and golf pencils - which would be just in time for late kwaaaanzzzaaa gifts!

then again, perhaps i'll blog a blog on monday, not blog on tuesday and none of this will ever come to fruition rendering me a complete and utter failure who bit off more than he could blog... until then, arrivederci!

ba dum BLOG!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

blogs a latte!

oooh, i need to add one more person to my award winning "top 11 people i wouldn't carpool with" blog:
"tasmanian devil t-shirters." this look was very popular in the early 90s but you'll still see some
remnants of this mercifully, woebeforgotten look of yore. this has got to be the punch line to some jeff foxworthy "you might be a redneck if..." knee slapper, right? anyway, i don't know what it is that attracts all these dum dums to this look but it's clearly indicative of some sort of dearth of intelligence. i guess it makes sense since the tasmanian devil of "looney tunes" fame is a violent, whirling dervish with the speech pattern and vocabulary of a mentally retarded toddler. i mean, if you were gonna' rock some "looney tunes" character gear why would you choose the wise crackin’, border line genius in bugs bunny or the garrulous, avuncular foghorn leghorn over the primitive, impulsive taz? this is our country... (thank you, john "cougar" mellencamp)

speaking of which, i am sooo profoundly tired of all this politickin,' doublespeak of which uses the code word of "elitist" for "educated" and/or "urban" and/or "cosmopolitan." i am all these things and gee golly proud of it! and, not only this but all the fuddy duddy "team republican" politicos are extolling the virtues of small-town, middle america and all their caveman, bible-humpin' values. i'll say it, and read the letters in my blog: small town people are RETARDED, middle america is RETARDED and bible humpers are RETARDED. these people and their towns are stagnant; no people enter, none leave and the same can be said for small town ideas *ba dum CHHH!!!* this is the muck and mire of america while our big cities are a babbling brook of clear and lucid ideas of which can be drunk, applied and may even come in handy ten years down the road. why are we dipping into the wheel barrow sludge well when we can get primo, mountain spring water? the sad thing is that the republican politicos are very smart and some are even brilliant but pander to the RETARDS of the country because that's where votes and election victories are born. and, politically, it's smart. why challenge and inspire the forward thinking, educated lot when you can confuse the RETARDS with things that go BOOM and the boogey man and his carpenter son (god and jesus...duh)? hey, small town america, you're an important part of the country but stick to your farming, your manufacturing, your logging, your meth labs and continue going into the military because you can't do anything else and/or can't afford an edumacation while us "elitist" folk sit at the big kid's table, sip lattes and make your decisions for you. we don't want you shaping the future of america no more. and, just for the record, i'm not on "team democrat" either. i'm just a confused, apatheist libertarian who has the gift of gab, blog and a communications degree from an accredited, california state university (go seacocks!)

you know what? i'm on a roll and not done offending people. now, it's time for all of the liberal, feminist chicks out there to get what's coming to them. I hate to break it to you but abortion has NOTHING to do with "your body." first off, let me give you the lowdown of what abortion is: it's a palatable and legal form of population control or, at the very worst, a very ethically and physically sloppy procedure that rids you of something that may or may not be a human being (nobody knows if it's actual life and we never will know, so deal with it). in short, abortion is an ugly and gross option which remedies an even uglier and grosser problem of unwanted children born to poverty and unfit 'rents. okay, back to the whole not about "your body" part. yes ladies, the procedure happens to "your body" and causes emotional and physical pain of which can last a lifetime and is immeasurable but face it; if human babies were laid and hatched as eggs and an abortion was as simple as an egg toss gone wrong at your company picnic there would be NONE, ZERO difference in the way the bible humpers and the feminists look at abortion. we'd just have bumper stickers that said "life begins at egg laying" or "my choice, my egg." the “body” part is just circumstantial; something that pro-choicers can hang their hat on while distracting from the fact that they are "pro-fetuses being vacuumed from your/my womb." wait a second, isn't no abortion better for your body than an abortion? how about this: "my future, my choice, your taxes and... YOUR WELCOME!"

ba dum BLOG!!!


editor's note: i know and i'm sorry but i actually agree with ba dum BLOGer for blogs of late being light on levity and heavy on heft because these are scary times and we are on the cusp of entering twelve straight years of war mongerin’, bible humpin', oil drillin', farm workin', tasmanian devil shirt wearin' mongoloids getting their way and running our country back to the stone age where it's cooler to shoot a moose than to plant a tree, read the bible instead of "he's just not that into you" and/or raise a half-bred/bastard/handicapped baby in lieu of shop vaccing that ball of goo to fetus hell.

Monday, September 8, 2008

top 11 people i wouldn't carpool with

when you're as insecure as i am you need to constantly be thinking of funny and clever ways to bash the people who see the world differently than you or else you'll go crazy and be enveloped by your own self-awareness, anger and hyper-vigilance. and, in this case, i've blogged an innocuous enough blog about the "people i wouldn't carpool with" rather than "the people i wouldn't jump in and save if their car drove into a swimming pool." does this make me a bad person? not necessarily, but only because sticks and stones may break your bones but blogs will never hurt you (thank you, pee-wee herman).

11. live strongers: this fad isn't as rampant as it was maybe four years ago but this fact makes it even more confounding since you'll often still find many o' douche nozzle still sportin' this yellow accoutrement of cliche. yeah, yeah i know it's for charity but charity shouldn't be loud, literally or metaphorically. what happened to the quiet dignity of surreptitiously supporting a cause? and, must every good deed be masked with a confluence of fashion and trendiness? see, when people reference "ugly americans" this is what they're talking about. oh, and never make the mistake of asking said braceleteer why they wear it and what it means to them. then again, i really do like pantomiming tiny violins and humming their melodic, melancholic tunes.

10. hair club for men president/members: rogaine or pills are fine (that's what i use for my non-genetically induced baldness) but this is the exemplification of the proverbial elephant in the room: everyone knows while none admits or inquires. it really is impossible to converse with this person while not staring at or completely preoccupying yourself with their artificial foliage. see, pills or rogaine is different because you're merely just reactivating previously dormant follicles but when you actually break scalp to plant alien seed is when vanity overtakes sensibility. plus, just like any cosmetic procedure, it creates an unfair and unsafe bar for everyone else. dental cases aside, anyone who breaks skin or draws blood for aesthetics needs hug therapy.

9. straight edgers: ugh, principles for principle's sake make me wanna' puke. why would you deny all the great vices life has to offer for no other reason than to be annoying. yeah, how about this? while you're abstaining from alcohol, recreational drugs, meat, casual sex, leather, tobacco, caffeine and macintosh computers why don't you instead abstain from being annoying or, at the very least, abstaining from stuff. i could understand when religious people follow their silly rules because if i was dumb enough to believe i'd burn in hell after having a quarter pounder during lent i'd be freaked out to know ends, as well. but, as far as i can see it, straight edgers have no reasonable nor unreasonable reasons for why they do/don't as they do/don't. hey, weirdos! how about you abstain from tattoos, aggressive piercings, emo screamo girl jeans and weird music while you're at it?

8. jersey wearers: look, i'll admit that i'll rock my frank gore, 49er jersey from time to time but when i'm at my local watering hole watching my beloved team of the 80s or at any other real sporting event there is no doubt in my mind that i'm a better person than 99% of these jersey wearing mongoloids. whether it be intellectually, fanwise, hygienically, fitnesswise or lookswise i'm just a better person... and blogger. sports fans are just plain dumb; they're irrational, loud, macho oafs who take their teams' good fortunes, put them into the meat head machine wherein these fortunes are converted into this neandertalesque thing called "bragging rights." and, please note, i'll admit that i'm as big a sports fan as there is: i read, listen, watch, fantasize (play fantasy sports) and gamble more on sports than i or you do anything else (yes, even more than solitaire). am i an "elitist sportsfan?" well, if "elitist sportsfan" means the same thing as "elitist media" (ahem... educated... ahem) than the answer is a resounding "hell yeah, duuuude!"

7. meditators: sure, why read a blog, watch tv, go to the gym or enjoy a cheesy beefy melt from taco bell when you can sit in absolute silence and literally rot in a prolonged state of ennui all while knowledge, acts of fitness and general indulgences pass you by all in the name of "emptying your mind." really, i just don't get the draw. i can see taking a nap if you're tired, getting drunk or high if you're stressed or playing solitaire if you need to blow off some steam but how can you literally shut your eyes and brain just in the name of sitting? if you need twenty minutes to give your brain a break then you might as well watch "the hills." at least then you'll have something to talk about with that marginally cute chick at work. just remember, schiavo and her shenanigans got old real fast and i say we pick/pull the plug on these low hanging fruits/vegetables as well. (schiavo humour = timely)

6. purity ringers: this has become more prevalent and relevant through all things "the brothers jonai." however, i don't see this as a sign of their chastity, relationship with god or general wholesomeness but a clear and calculated barb to a certain blogger whose chastity is by circumstance and not choice. how dare the "brother jonai" throw this in my and my readers' faces (i assume most my readers are in the same dry boat) all whilst one is dating taylor swift, the other is dating selena gomez, this same one has dated miley cyrus all while the other one is twenty-two-years-old and has access to and actually knows what to do with all this pre/post-pubescent 'tang being flung his way. this would be like me wearing a cyber "no blogging ring" all while chilling in chat rooms and spinning off one interesting quip after the other without letting them reside and foster in the perpetuity that is www.badumblog.blogspot.com.

5. faux hawkers: this has less to do with the faux hawk itself than it does for what the faux hawk represents: confidence. yes, with hairdos as silly and trendy as the faux hawk it really takes someone who is comfortable in their own skin to wantonly rock this look. and, ironically enough, nothing makes this blogger less comfortable in my own skin than someone who is comfortable in theirs. it just shows how arbitrary and subjective fashion and trends are; if the right person rocked it, a literal "ass hat" could become en vogue. i just couldn't walk around in that thing (ass hat) without prefacing every move i make with a "look, i know this is a silly look but this is just my superficial attempt at fitting in at the behest of everything that i know is good all for the simple reason that i am making my presence and confidence known." i'm sure this is EXACTLY what comes to mind to everybody within blogshot when seeing faux hawks... or ass hats.

4. youth ministers: sure i could wax witty on one religious fuddy duddy after the other but that would be like beating a jewish carpenter. and, no one wants to see that other than mel gibson and fans of the stations of the cross. that's never made sense to me; that'd be like joe theisman's mother watching the l.t. hit over and over again. but i digress... youth ministers are just flat out creepy. they try to put a hip and contemporary spin on jesus and his merry bunch all while serving pizza and playing catchy songs about turning water to wine on their acoustic guitar. meanwhile, the only reason why youth ministers are youth ministers and youth groupers are youth groupers is for the sole purpose of using the guise of loving jesus to perv out on all the jesus chicks. embarrassingly enough i speak from experience and i can tell you as an awkwardly perverted/confused youth grouper i could never parlay my false fervency into any play. meanwhile, since my youth group past, there has been a case of a paraplegic youth minister making time with a wide eyed, jesus lovin' high school sophomore - don't hate tha playa,' hate tha game.

3.
minorities:
i just don't like people who look, smell and/or are treated differently/worse than me. i find it aesthetically unpleasing, oflactorily disagreeable and ultimately leaves me riddled with white ma
n guilt. seriously though, with my normal conversational repertoire, i just find it exhausting to feel these people out to the point where i know what i can or cannot not say without offending and getting called a "racist." and, i will contend, that in september, 2008 it is MUCH worse, as a white blogger, to be called a "racist" than for a brotha' to be called the "n-word." heck, we don't even get to threaten and/or give a "justified" ass kicking to the person who deemed us a racist. i'm just sayin'...

2. people affected by 9/11 (whether it be personally or through the commutative property): look, i agree that 9/11 was horrible and, while it still hasn't sunk in or resonated with me (yes, i find "faux hawks" more vexing and objectionable than 9/11) i just can't help but be annoyed when people wax sad on this tragedy. is it because i foster some sort of repressed sadness from it all and envy the people who have an emotional connection to 9/11, am i simply guilty for not having these feelings or am i just uncomfortable with any topic that i can't find a way to make people laugh about it? sure, of course i can make it funny but making people also find the humour in it is another thing altogether. while these introspective questions are unclear to me, my annoyance with the topic of 9/11 is. instead of "9/11: never forget" how about "knock, knock. who's there? 9/11... 9/11 who? thought you said you'd never forget" or "this thursday? sure, i'd love to do dollar taco night!"

1. bloggers: we are pretty much blowhard (bloghard?), narcissists who insist on telling you how we feel even though we have no qualifications, were never asked our opinions nor would we ever be gainfully employed for anything related to writing or bestowing the public with our thoughts. we are basically yelling into an empty well, with no echo, all while videotaping it and posting it on the youtbe. also, i find it very awkward since many of my real life conversations echo my blog and vice versa and thus find myself unsure of whether i should reference my blog in these convos because i don't know who has or hasn't read my blog nor do i want to be that jerk who references my blog but also want to add some sort of self-aware irony to the precedings in case they have read the blog and find it redundant that i am doubling up on my words (if anyone has ever wanted a glimpse into the fragile and muddled mind of a neurotic, self-loathing narcissist this is it).

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

bilf: blogger i'd like to friend

how did doc and marty even know each other, let alone become such bffs? seriously, i find the fact that a teenaged, guitar strummin,' skate boardin' big man on campus with a fly ass koochie of a gf hanging out with a sixty-year-old lunatic, mad scientist waaaay less plausible than a delorean that travels through time. i could understand if marty was into science or was an angsty nerd who didn't fit in but none of this applies. maybe marty was just using doc for his giant guitar speaker (amp?). i'm not suggesting that there was anything untoward in regards to their relationship either. not only because there is nothing that alludes to this but homoerotic humour is the lazy blogger's way out. it's not like marty just stumbled upon doc either, all evidence points toward a deep seated and well developed friendship. heck, even strickland knows about it! not only does marty waltz right into doc's bachelor lab first thing in the morning but also agrees to meet him at a mall parking lot in the middle of the night for a "science experiment;" nary a question asked nor an adolescent eye roll. hey, what they have is awesome but curious nonetheless. the only other relationship i can think of that draws similar parallels is the friendship betwixt yogi bear and boo boo. although, it's unclear how old boo boo really is, boo boo does make it abundantly clear to yogi that "ranger smith isn't going to like this..."

why do i often see seagulls beak deep in dumpsters and/or frequenting landfills eating trash? is this a global warming thing? as in: the water is too warm and killing all the fish so seagulls now have to dumpster/dump dive? or, simply stated, do seagulls like trash? now, i'm sure it's not "trash trash" like styrofoam or tin cans that they're eating but leftover and spoiled food from restaurants and homes. but why? if there are plenty of fish in the sea, as my mom is wont to tell me, then why don't they just have fish? this would be like a denny's that served the homeless for free only for the bums to eschew the "sausage lover's slam" in lieu of wormy, half-eaten meat loaf. i mean, c'mon! seagulls have the whole ocean at their disposal - it's literally an all you can eat, free seafood buffet. nevertheless, seagulls would rather fly inland, away from the aesthetically pleasing landscapes of the beach, to inner city dumpsters. this is beyond dumb and goes against all we know of nature and instinct. from this point forward, i want seagulls to be the animal we think of when we allude to pathetic, moronic and squalid tendencies. dumb as an ox? no. filthy as a pig? no. loony as a loon? no. mad as wet hen? no. lame as a gull? ehhh, still "no" but i can't think of anything cleverer. can you???

now, you may not believe me nor want to read on but i've never been a big fan of porno movies. sure, i occasionally dabble and, upon doing so, diddle but dave duchovny i am not. i just find the whole production incredibly discouraging. maybe that's because i don't quite get the point of porn and see it more as a medium to entertain, watch with friends and giggle at rather than titillate with shades drawn, candles lit and rose petals splayed. this isn't a homophobic thing either but i just have a tough time stomaching these punctual and accurate rolls of cookie dough of which are being bandied about with reckless abandon. then, once i stop guffawing at all the sex sounds and dotting of eyes, i'm left with wad chambered and my confidence shot. it's one thing to watch cagers dunk and footballers punt but to see skinny, 5'6" repairmen and cable guys of caucasion descent kabob women, and men, with the stamina, agility and power of world class athletes really makes one take a long look in the mirror and decide "nah, i think i'll just stay in tonight and have a lean cuisine." it also makes me feel like i wasted four-and-a-half years of my life getting my degree because apparently all it takes to bed a lascivious housewife is a wrench, coveralls and the ability to arrive between 9 and 6 pm. again, i'm not a porno movie connoisseur so maybe this genre already exists but how about a series of films called "tiny peckers and double deckers" or "lil' dicks and huge tits"? see, porn is made by men, for men so why are we exaggerating the national average? shouldn't we be rounding down as to fool women into thinking three or four inches is the average? why raise the bar to this ridiculous point where, when girls do stumble upon porn, they say to themselves "oh." it just seems counter intuitive.

this is officially the year of the milf. no, not cougars... milfs. between cindy mccain, michelle o'bama and sarah palin there has nary been an election so rife with hot, sexiness than in '08. where can i get a bumper sticker that says "mccain, o'bama and palin: 'bate in '08. you really have quite the variety too. first there's cindy mccain who is the platinum blonde, ex-cheerleader and beer heir. then we have michelle o'bama with her long legs, silky smooth, ebony skin and not afraid to mix it up-ness - she's got chutzpah! and lastly, there's my favorite; sarah palin - ooh, la and la! i cannot disagree more with her gun totin,' bible thumpin,' moose burger ways but she is just pure sex bomb and i can't wait to light her fuse. seriously, she just pops on screen and i cannot stop google imaging her. what is it though? is it the whole sexy librarian thing with the common stereotype that behind all her fuddy duddines there's just a freak, waiting to govern. she really is just like her home state of alaska: pure as driven snow and begging to get drilled. not to mention, we now learn that her dilf of a daughter will soon also be a milf in a couple of few with mama sarah about to take the mantle of gilf. it's pure kismet. and really, i can't wait till every late night show makes some sort of juneau/juno joke at poor little bristol palin's expense. just know, you read it here first at www.badumblog.blogspot.com (unless you read it here tomorrow morning or not at all).

ba dum BLOG!!!