Tuesday, October 21, 2008

ba dum DUNZO?!?!?

i don't know... i may be all out of blog. it just got to a point where i'd get sick to my stomach looking back at blogs blogged prior. they're just so shamelessly self-indulgent and the strange, all too real, dichotomy of "narcissistic self-loathing" was really starting to wear on my already fragile psyche. i'm in the midst of a crisis of faith. besides, how much more of ba dum... I HATE RELIGION!!!, ba dum... I'M BALDING!!!, ba dum... GIRLS HATE ME!!!, ba dum... PUNS!!!, ba dum... TURNS OF PHRASE!!!, ba dum... ENGLISH ORTHAGROPHY!!!, ba dum... I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!!, ba dum... THINLY VEILED RACISM FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES!!! could you really stand?

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we'll be back soon, maybe later, possibly better than ever, perhaps worse than ever or... never again.

Monday, October 13, 2008

blog nauseam

while you’ve read me blog ad nauseam in regards to how lame religion is, i must admit that i understand and can appreciate the whole communal aspect of the weekly (weakly?) church experience. sure, the idea of sitting/standing/kneeling for over an hour while offering praise and thanks to a vengeful and insecure god all in the name of reaching salvation (ie saving your arse) is the epitome of irrational, divisive and non-productive behaviour but that’s beyond the point at this juncture. however, the idea of making friends and connecting with like-minded people is a very rewarding and worthwhile experience. this is why i’ve fallen in love with my new, sunday ritual of frequenting a local bar that acts as the primary meeting place for displaced san francisco 49er fans in la. and, because of its striking similarities, i jokingly refer to this activity as “going to church.” sure, the idea of blindly rooting and for a particular pair of laundry over another, just because that’s what you know and is what your father and grandfather have done before you, is just as irrational and silly yet, at the same time, sports often doesn’t bleed into or interfere with the non-sports fan’s life in the same way religion does to the rational – unless, of course, you count 60 minutes being preempted an intrusion. anyway, this 49er bar is FANTASTIC! we all cheer together, boo together, curse together, get drunk together, complain together and often times even argue together. heck, we all dress the same too. it’s everything church is but better. and, if anyone contends that praying to a statue of a dead guy on a cross is more communal, spiritual and uplifting than watching football then they haven’t been one of fifty drunken voices swearing at a television screen. besides, the odds are infinitely better that joe montana will walk through my front door, give me a high five and ask to use my bathroom than moribund, ol' jesus appearing in my hash browns and asking me to sacrifice/murder/slaughter my one and only son just to massage his father's ego. with that said, i choose to worship at the altar of joe cool over jesus creep-o. still though, i’m not an atheist so i do allow for some belief of one, almighty and intelligent designer and i find no better evidence for this than america’s most popular pastime not-so-coincidentally occurring at the same time as most church services of which kiss the ass of a make believe, man made “god.”

ba dum BLOG!!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

"those bloggers"

i was listening to adam carolla's radio show the other day, as is my wont, and he mentioned how when, or even if, barack o'bama won the presidency that the blacks would have nothing more to complain about since they already have the highest paid movie star (will smith), tv star (oprah), athlete (tiger woods, 4/17s black) and person under 25 (lebron james). again, i'm not racist but racial and all things pertaining to race are of great interest to me. see, this is especially relevant because all "those peoples'" earnings are based solely on our, the general hoi poloi's, support and positive reaction towards them as entertainers and people. it's not like it's a bill gates or a warren buffet where their affluence is based upon creating or developing a product or as someone who brilliantly invests in a product. nay, "those people," who i mentioned earlier, are the product; their talent, their personalities, their likability and their popularity are what's earning them their moneys. of course, i'm sure adam carolla was only half kidding when he brought this up because he, and sane minded people, are well aware of the struggles generations before and the current generation face everyday but still, this is a very telling observation and a sign of great progress (as i pat my honky self on the back). i even jokingly brought this point up to a coworker of colour and, while he genuinely laughed at first, he turned serious and said "now, if we can only get our reparations." like, woah... reparations is a scary subject for whities like me. i wimped out and didn't even respond because my belief on reparations is this; like marriage, communism and the xfl - great in theory but nearly impossible in practice and with a high propensity for tragedy. who would get the money? how much money would one get? where would the money come from? how would egypt pay back the jews? and so on and so on... sure, slavery was a HUGE and unconscionable injustice which also acted as the shoulder blade, if not the backbone, of america's development as a country and rise to prominence but... but... really, i don't know and feel very uncomfortable even blogging about it. but i digress, and what i really wanted to blog from the very beginning was that, with o'bama's bid for the presidency, we are going to hear a new battle cry from whence any whitey is ever accused of being a racist in the form of "hey, i'm not racist... i voted for o'bama!" you watch, regardless of if the person voted for o'bama, mcain or nader this will replace "hey, i saw "sowordfish," in the theaters, JUST to see halle berry's boobies" to become the new escape hatch for all alleged racists.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

living off blogs

i have an archnemesis and she is my office building's cleaning lady. now, she's not an archnemesis in the sense that she's mean or diabolically evil but where she's a constant and consistent proverbial wrench in my metaphorical gears. there's nothing exceptional or noteworthy about her either, she's just your stereotypical, squatty middle-aged hispanic lady. you see, we only have three floors in my office building so she's the only one but she is EVERYWHERE. regardless of whether i'm in the first floor break room, the second floor kitchen or the third floor bathroom, she is a THERE and in MY WAY. yet, not only is she there but she is working and working HARD. it's bad enough to run into her like five times a day but it’s even worse that i've NEVER, EVER seen her taking a break or sitting - the phrase "time to lean, time to clean" has never been tossed her way. oh no, there she is with her huge trash can on wheels a moppin', a wipin' and just generally doing her job with the fervor of a franciscan friar's flowing frock. i swear, there has to be like six of her - it's like she's part of an oompa loompa cleaning lady service or something. she just makes me feel so guilty too. here she is; probably not even fluent in english and twice my age but she's working like 10 times harder than me, all whilst making probably a quarter of what i make. then again, 100% of able bodied adults could do her job while only 85% could do mine, but still. that just goes to show that you're worth and pay are based on how replaceable you are and/or how unique your skills are... so, there you go. that's why i never feel any sympathy towards waiters and waitresses complaining about their pay or "living off tips" because anybody could do their jobs. that's why waiting tables is often the first job of so many high schoolers and only job of all these aspiring aspirers. anyway, back to my archnemesis; while i blog this i do feel kind of silly and evil myself for harbouring such resentment towards such a harmless and hard working lady but i do remember once, when she first started, that i smiled and said "hello," but she gave me the high hat and there's just been this unspoken, awkward vibe betwixt us ever since. maybe i’ll give her a white, cashmere sweater for x-mas and this will bury the hatchet… as long as she doesn’t see that red dot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

the top 7 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 3

1. the lefties shake hands righty: while jmc and bo'b are both portsiders, they still elected to use their less dominant hand in their pre-debate, salutatory handshake. this just goes to show how southpaws still harbour the negative effects of this social stigma in their everyday lives. while dollypaws aren't getting a ruler across the knuckles or being attributed with satanic qualities anymore, they're still so adversely affected by their minority standing that they can't even greet each other in the way which nature intended. this point also prologues the fun factoid that five of our last seven presidents have been gibblefisters (including jmc or bo'b). so, with these five, including the three more before that, there have been eight presidents with such affliction/advantage - that comes to roughly 18%. that doesn't sound like much but only 7-10% of the adult population is cackhanded. neat.

2. mccain gets snarky: when jmc opened the debates with "...and sen. o'bama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting," this was a clear and calculated example of subterfuge and snark. you see, jmc challenged bo'b to a series of ten joint town hall meetings all the way back in june, once b'ob all but earned the presidential nod. unfortunately, b'ob declined but jmc probably would've declined too if b'ob had challenged him. maybe this is just my bias blogging but i believe this was a political act of chicken where whoever challenges who wins by virtue of neither party's willingness to engage. or, jmc was willing to back up his challenge and, in that case, b'ob was straight punk'd, yo. either way, i believe the more open forums for discourse the better but this can't reflect well on jmc to take a shot like that in just his very first statement of the debate, can it? sure, bo'b was snarky at times too but this was easily the most loaded and discreet example of it. and, at www.badumblog.blogspt.com, the snark stops here because this is the no snark zone and we're looking out for you (thank you, bill o'reilly).

3. mccain's handicap is his handicap: of course this is unfair, irrelevant and catty but the sight of jmc out and about with free reign from the shackles of his podium, is aesthetically unpleasing, creepy and downright horrifying. i know, i know, his weird arm thing that makes him look like he's wading through a cold crick is from injuries sustained during his stay at the hannoi hilton but we are such visual peoples that this can't bode well. this was proven at the first televised presidential debates when jfk elected to go with makeup and bronzer while dick nixon rocked the flop sweat and receding hairline. if you'll remember, all those who watched the debates saw jfk as the clear winner while those listening to radio believed it to be dick nixon. it makes you wonder how different the polls would be if the visuals and gaits were reversed, straightened and less creepy.

4. mccain is a multitasker: when jmc was asked about "health care, energy, and entitlement reform: social security and medicare" in regards to what order he'd prioritize them he answered "i think you can work on all three at once." hmm, is jmc suggesting we multitask much like he did with the pending bailout plan and the first presidential debates when he chose to suspend the election and postpone said debates??? ruh roh!!! was this an intentional play by jmc to erase the memories of his failed politickin' during that time or was this a bonehead example of hypocrisy? i, for one, agree with the former because methinks everything said in these debates is calculated and rehearsed which is why they refuse to answer the questions in lieu of hitting on their precious talking points. plus, jmc alluded to multitasking again when he said "look, we can attack health care and energy at the same time. we're not - we're not - we're not rifle shots here." this is where i'd insert a palin/helicopter/gun/moose joke if i were a hackneyed, hack blogger.

hi, i'm in delaware:
finally, we have an answer to wayne campbell and garth algar's general ennui and languor when faced with the prospect of going on holiday to delaware. according to bo'b "everybody (banks) goes to delaware, because they've got very - pretty loose laws when it comes to things like credit cards." hmm, now we know. thanks, bo'b! hey, isn't your pal, joe biden, also a senator from delaware? i have just quadrupled mine and your delaware knowledge.

6. o'bama makes a funny: oooh, oooh, did you hear it when bo'b attributed jmc to being the guy who sang "bomb, bomb, bomb iran?" that's funny because the beach boys are often attributed to be the ones who first sang "barbara ann" while it was fred fassert and "the regents" who first wrote and preformed the song. but, it was "vince vance and the valliants" who later parodied the song as "bomb iran" and vinnie barbarino of "welcome back kotter" who famously preformed his own rendition; "baa-baa-baa baa-barbarino." but even still, we come full circle as jmc did attempt to sing the aforementioned vince vance version at a campaign stop in april of '07. thank you, bo'b and thank you, www.wikipedia.com.

7. o'bama really likes pig metaphors: again, bo'b utilized a pig metaphor - again!!! behold: "i mean, you know, it's tough to ask a teacher who's making $30,000 or $35,000 a year to tighten her belt when people who are making much more than her are living pretty high on the hog." who are these "people," who bo'b clearly hates and takes great pleasure in besmirching, that he's speaking of? and, why would this "hog," who is clearly just as bad as those he lets ride high on, aid and abet these teacher haters? of course, i'm just perpetuating such pigheaded politics by drawing attention to and rolling in the mud with such skullduggery and malfeasants but i hope you'll just disregard it as hogwash. or, maybe this is just bo'b slyly pandering to the jews, once again, by preying on their kosher sensibilities and degrading all things pork... "th-th-th-that's all folks!"

ba dum BLOG!!!

cascading blog

viagra looks to be an excellent and viable drug which has provided many happy returns. however, it seems to me that their advertisements are only targeting one, specific kind of dude. yes, whether they’re in their 40s or 60s, these flaccid fellas are all shown to be participating in varying dalliances with women which range anywhere between dancing, a romantic dinner or a spirited game of battleship. the key phrase here is “with women”... and, no, i’m not suggesting viagra commercials featuring homosexuals - that’s perverse, YUCK! i’m proposing that viagra throws a proverbial bone to all the "solitaire" (badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/jelly-blog.html) players of the world. so, if you’re low on blood flow and one for cascading cards of alternating colours and descending numerical order then why would you also want to be reminded that you’re single, can’t get a date and are very, very alone??? i’m sure a very significant amount of "limp larrys" are lonely as opposed to playing the field or happily married. and, if i know anything about the psychology of advertising (which i don't), when a specific group of people aren’t being represented or catered to they’ll be less likely to get that warm and fuzzy feeling inside that compels said group to purchase said product. i’m not saying you make an explicitly lewd and graphic commercial but one that’s tastefully done all while making it very clear to the audience you’re trying to reach that you're there, and here, for them. for example; you could show a guy on his computer, perhaps playing the internet video game of “world of warcraft,” another dude playing hacky sack or a fella’ getting a calf cramp massaged out. if the viagra people made a commercial with a montage of those images spliced with the knee slappin,' foot stompin' tunes of the “viva viagra boys” then you’d see a substantial *ahem* rise in sales.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: viagra humour = fresh, timely and lolz... NOT!!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 2

6. i love israel, you love israel, we all love israel!: for those of you who don't know, israel = florida jews. you see, florida is a battle ground state or, a swing state with a lot of old jews with old money who vote. they were the crux of the whole florida debacle in '00 because it was mostly them who either f'd up or got f'd over (depending on which team you root for) and had their votes not counted or miscounted. conventional wisdom says they probably would've voted for gore but who knows... either way, they'll once again be a pivotal force in the '08 election and both sexy sarah and joey b. would be remiss if they didn't espouse their israel love like they did during the debates.

7. who is "joe six pack?:" for one thing, i don't know if i'd be bragging about and/or pandering to a constituency who may, at the very least, be binge drinkers or alcoholics. really, is that something you wanna' be bringing up over and over again at the debates? why is "joe six pack" good and "latte sipping larry" bad? yes, i know there was no mention of a "latte sipping larry" but latte sippers are usually demonized by the right in political forums while drunken mongoloids are celebrated as the salt of the earth. meanwhile, joey b. missed an excellent opportunity for the greatest moment in debate history (yes, even better than steve a. douglas' "four matadors in quick sand/quatro cinco" quip during the lincoln/douglas debates). anyway, biden should've stepped out from behind his podium and said "hey, if y'all wanted to know what's important to "joe six pack," all you had to do was ask..." then, he pulls up his shirt, flexes, punches his stomach and screams "these abs don't flab!!!" game, set, biden.

8. pulp moves, baby!: really, what was with all of sexy sarah's winking? i mean, it made me sit up a little straighter in my seat but doesn't that make her look kinda' shifty or like a floozy. i guess i just don't totally get the connotations of winking. when george was doing it in the famous episode of "seinfeld" it was accidental but construed as giving off a less than honest vibe. when guys and and girls do it to eachother isn't it a flirty thing? so, why would palin do this? she's hot enough as it is... does she really need to wink, too? trust me, the men of america are already on notice and i can't imagine one thing a woman hates more than another woman, who is clearly hotter than them, confounding the fact by winking at their depressed, "joe six pack" of a husband.

9. joe biden's sad past: maybe i just hadn't been paying attention but i didn't even know about the whole thing with biden's wife a daughter. it turns out his family was in a pretty horrific car accident that killed his wife, his daughter and put two of his sons in critical condition. biden even contemplated giving up his senatorship so he could provide extra care and attention to his sons, who made a full recovery, and was even sworn into office from one of their bedsides. however, he decided to stick it out and made a special effort to make sure he was home often to care for his sons. this revelation should be neither here nor there in terms of politics but with team republican using palin's mentally challenged sons and pregnant daughter as such a coup, it really puts things in perspective to know biden understands tragedy and family strife. sad :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 1

i originally planned on blogging this blog immediately after the debate, while it was all fresh and so clean clean in my mind, but i had a friend who i haven't seen in like two years who was down to go out on an overnight drunk. and, didn't the beetles say "life is what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans?" but, then again, they also said "i am the walrus" so i don't know what to believe (thank you, tim canterbury). anyway, while a blog is surely worth blogging, a life is also worth living so i lived in lieu of blogging and now i'm hungover in my cubicle where i'm now blogging and not living. yes, www.badumblog.blogspot.com: the intersection of life and blogging.

1. sarah palin and john mccain are still "mavericks:" i actually kept a tally over how many times sarah palin evoked the moniker of "maverick" in regards to either her or john boy. and, it came out to a total of six. now, if vegas created a line in allusion to such, and if i would've put money on it, i would've picked the over and lost. good for sexy sarah! i figured she would've dropped the "maverick" bomb no more than thirty three times but she showed some self-control and resisted such activity. on the other hand, joe biden dropped the "maverick" bomb a total of eight times. however, this all came at the end of the debate when joey b. went on his "mccain is not a maverick" rant. and, in case you were wondering, the dictionary defines a maverick as "one that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter." neat. kinda' like how dallas maverick, josh howard, refused to participate in the national anthem because he's "black"... and a maverick. neater.

2. sexy palin is a soccer mom: what the heck was that? all of a sudden sexy sarah is a "soccer mom" and not a "hockey mom?" really, can you be both? can you even play soccer on the frozen tundra? she totally punk'd out hockey mom's and got all up on soccer moms. personally, i think both sports are lame and she really isn't doing herself any favors by bouncing betwixt the two. is she trying to appeal to mexicans with the whole soccer thing or was she merely just trying to give us a break from hockey? either way, according to sarah, what these mom's were representing was "fear." fear for the economy and the inability to send their "soccer kids" to college and such. poor soccer people :(

3. sarah doesn't answer questions: really, after sexy sarah was called out for not answering questions she replied "i may not answer the questions the way you and the moderator want to hear but i'm going to talk straight to the american people." whaaaaaat??? that'd be all fine and dandy if she was giving a speech at a convention but she just came off as as filibusterin' filibusterer. which is fine, i guess, but it just seemed like she had a chambered soliloquy regardless of what the question was. she had well formulated and prepared thoughts but they rarely answered any of the questions she was asked. gwen would ask her about education and palin would drop a few lines about schools but then say "however gwen, what i really want to talk about is the ozone layer." again, she couldn't tell you what time it was but she could tell you when it's time for chili.

4. smiling smilers like to smile: wow, it was almost as if they were having a "smile off." sarah palin was smiling the whole debate, which was super hot, but joey b. countered with an even toothier, smilier grin. and, low and behold, joey b. actually had a nicer smile. that had to be the upset of the night! for how hot sexy sarah is, who would've thunk it that joey b. would out smile her? really, how nice were his teeth? did he just get some new veneers or is he a flossin' and a brushin' like six times a day? either way, his teeth were the shining star of the night.

5. joey b. mocks joey d.: so, joey b. put on his anderson cooper 360 flak jacket and hit up the local fill-up station for some man on the street, hard hitting journalistic action. There, he asked yokel, joey danco, how much it cost to fill his tank and poor joey d. said he didn't know because he can never afford to. wa wa waaaaaaaaaa :( and.....? and.........? what next, what happened??? did joey b. offer to fill up his tank, did joey d. give him a bracelet or did joey b. merely just stop his tape recorder and say "thanks for the quote, gotta' run and get ready for this debate...PEACE!!!"??? this just seemed like a terrifically awkward exchange amongst the haves and the havenots and i really wish i could have been there as opposed to havenot being there.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor’s note: 6-9, part 2 to come later.

morbid blogesity

you hear about that new law in california? governor schwarzenegger (the black plowman) signed a bill where restaurant chains with more than twenty locations must print nutritional information on their menus. i can understand and appreciate the thought process behind this but i don't like what it means for me. first off, i went to catholic school for eight years and have just barely begun to come down from my crucifixion of guilt and have no intentions of returning. i know fast food is bad for me but i also reserve the right to put whatever i want into my body, whenever i want to, all in the name of happiness without the government insulting my intelligence and attempting to save me from myself. secondly, i like how fast food speeds up the evolutionary process and weeds out the dumb and weak. sure, i eat a lot of fast food but i also practice moderation and exercise - i'm not a fatty. and, what the over consumption of fast food inevitably does is make the weak minded masses who exhibit no self-control, pride in self or common sense morbidly obese which cuts down on their ability to find suitable mates to reproduce and, because of said morbid obesity, cuts into their life expectancy. simply put: fast food isolates the useless gene and eliminates it. lastly, this law discourages critical thinking and applied intelligence. this bill does for health what the bible does for morality. do healthy people need a government induced, fast food calorie count to be healthy? NOPE! do good and ethical people need the bible to be good and ethical? NOPE! i don't want fat people to know they're fat just as i don't want unethical people to know they're unethical. when we force feed (pun INTENDED!) self-awareness like this it encourage change for the better and, in turn, shrinks the gap between me and them. if not for them, i wouldn't be trim and good by comparison (heck, i'm barely hanging on as it is). the next thing you know, a blog bill will be passed that makes every mouth breathing mongoloid blog a daily blog and then i'd really be in big heap trouble.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ugh, i know... i get tired of the ba dum BLOGger acting like a know-it-all and as if he's better than 99.99% of the planet too. however, be rest assured because, coincidentally enough, that same percentage represents how many people haven't heard of nor will ever read the ba dum BLOG!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


okay, so i have hairy arms. however, i still contend that i'm just barely above average in arm hairiness for the run-o'-the-mill, american white caucasian male but the issue lies in the fact that my arm hair is jet black so it's much more noticeable. i've never really minded the aesthetics of it myself but in college it had gotten to the point where i overheard myself being referred to as "the guy with the hairy arms" on more than one occasion. so, i began trimming my arm hair with a beard trimmer. problem solved, right? WRONG! now, during the first week after a trim, i'd get more comments in reference to the trim than i ever did for the arm hair to begin with. yet, even with all the "do you trim your arm hair" or the "i thought your arms were hairier" i still never heard myself referred to as "the guy who trims his arm hair" so i considered this the more agreeable alternative. i felt this way until recently where i realized i was starting to get very uncomfortable with my arm hair becoming a topic of discussion. that's all i want really; just for my arm hair to be irrelevant and not an issue that warrants comments. so here i am; i'm a 26-year-old man who's decided to own it, go au naturale and let his arm hair run wild. and, while i'm at it, i think it's time for men to stop trimming, shaving and ughh... waxing their chest hair as well. now, as a completely straight and sexually comfortable hetero male, i'll say that male chest hair is the hot sex - it's manly and just looks right. i seriously think a little bit of hamburger meat spilling out of a shirt looks good. besides, can any sane or right thinking women or man truly think a slippery smooth chase "gay face" crawford or a zach "zaquisha" effron (thank you, perez hilton) is better looking than a vigorously virile burton leon reynolds or a tom selleck??? i don't think so...

ba dum BLOG!!!