ba dum DUNZO?!?!?

i don't know... i may be all out of blog. it just got to a point where i'd get sick to my stomach looking back at blogs blogged prior. they're just so shamelessly self-indulgent and the strange, all too real, dichotomy of "narcissistic self-loathing" was really starting to wear on my already fragile psyche. i'm in the midst of a crisis of faith. besides, how much more of ba dum... I HATE RELIGION!!!, ba dum... I'M BALDING!!!, ba dum... GIRLS HATE ME!!!, ba dum... PUNS!!!, ba dum... TURNS OF PHRASE!!!, ba dum... ENGLISH ORTHAGROPHY!!!, ba dum... I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!!, ba dum... THINLY VEILED RACISM FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES!!! could you really stand?

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we'll be back soon, maybe later, possibly better than ever, perhaps worse than ever or... never again.

blog nauseam

while you’ve read me blog ad nauseam in regards to how lame religion is, i must admit that i understand and can appreciate the whole communal aspect of the weekly (weakly?) church experience. sure, the idea of sitting/standing/kneeling for over an hour while offering praise and thanks to a vengeful and insecure god all in the name of reaching salvation (ie saving your arse) is the epitome of irrational, divisive and non-productive behaviour but that’s beyond the point at this juncture. however, the idea of making friends and connecting with like-minded people is a very rewarding and worthwhile experience. this is why i’ve fallen in love with my new, sunday ritual of frequenting a local bar that acts as the primary meeting place for displaced san francisco 49er fans in la. and, because of its striking similarities, i jokingly refer to this activity as “going to church.” sure, the idea of blindly rooting and for a particular pair of laundry over another, just because that’s what you know and is what your father and grandfather have done before you, is just as irrational and silly yet, at the same time, sports often doesn’t bleed into or interfere with the non-sports fan’s life in the same way religion does to the rational – unless, of course, you count 60 minutes being preempted an intrusion. anyway, this 49er bar is FANTASTIC! we all cheer together, boo together, curse together, get drunk together, complain together and often times even argue together. heck, we all dress the same too. it’s everything church is but better. and, if anyone contends that praying to a statue of a dead guy on a cross is more communal, spiritual and uplifting than watching football then they haven’t been one of fifty drunken voices swearing at a television screen. besides, the odds are infinitely better that joe montana will walk through my front door, give me a high five and ask to use my bathroom than moribund, ol' jesus appearing in my hash browns and asking me to sacrifice/murder/slaughter my one and only son just to massage his father's ego. with that said, i choose to worship at the altar of joe cool over jesus creep-o. still though, i’m not an atheist so i do allow for some belief of one, almighty and intelligent designer and i find no better evidence for this than america’s most popular pastime not-so-coincidentally occurring at the same time as most church services of which kiss the ass of a make believe, man made “god.”

ba dum BLOG!!!

"those bloggers"

i was listening to adam carolla's radio show the other day, as is my wont, and he mentioned how when, or even if, barack o'bama won the presidency that the blacks would have nothing more to complain about since they already have the highest paid movie star (will smith), tv star (oprah), athlete (tiger woods, 4/17s black) and person under 25 (lebron james). again, i'm not racist but racial and all things pertaining to race are of great interest to me. see, this is especially relevant because all "those peoples'" earnings are based solely on our, the general hoi poloi's, support and positive reaction towards them as entertainers and people. it's not like it's a bill gates or a warren buffet where their affluence is based upon creating or developing a product or as someone who brilliantly invests in a product. nay, "those people," who i mentioned earlier, are the product; their talent, their personalities, their likability and their popularity are what's earning them their moneys. of course, i'm sure adam carolla was only half kidding when he brought this up because he, and sane minded people, are well aware of the struggles generations before and the current generation face everyday but still, this is a very telling observation and a sign of great progress (as i pat my honky self on the back). i even jokingly brought this point up to a coworker of colour and, while he genuinely laughed at first, he turned serious and said "now, if we can only get our reparations." like, woah... reparations is a scary subject for whities like me. i wimped out and didn't even respond because my belief on reparations is this; like marriage, communism and the xfl - great in theory but nearly impossible in practice and with a high propensity for tragedy. who would get the money? how much money would one get? where would the money come from? how would egypt pay back the jews? and so on and so on... sure, slavery was a HUGE and unconscionable injustice which also acted as the shoulder blade, if not the backbone, of america's development as a country and rise to prominence but... but... really, i don't know and feel very uncomfortable even blogging about it. but i digress, and what i really wanted to blog from the very beginning was that, with o'bama's bid for the presidency, we are going to hear a new battle cry from whence any whitey is ever accused of being a racist in the form of "hey, i'm not racist... i voted for o'bama!" you watch, regardless of if the person voted for o'bama, mcain or nader this will replace "hey, i saw "sowordfish," in the theaters, JUST to see halle berry's boobies" to become the new escape hatch for all alleged racists.

ba dum BLOG!!!

living off blogs

i have an archnemesis and she is my office building's cleaning lady. now, she's not an archnemesis in the sense that she's mean or diabolically evil but where she's a constant and consistent proverbial wrench in my metaphorical gears. there's nothing exceptional or noteworthy about her either, she's just your stereotypical, squatty middle-aged hispanic lady. you see, we only have three floors in my office building so she's the only one but she is EVERYWHERE. regardless of whether i'm in the first floor break room, the second floor kitchen or the third floor bathroom, she is a THERE and in MY WAY. yet, not only is she there but she is working and working HARD. it's bad enough to run into her like five times a day but it’s even worse that i've NEVER, EVER seen her taking a break or sitting - the phrase "time to lean, time to clean" has never been tossed her way. oh no, there she is with her huge trash can on wheels a moppin', a wipin' and just generally doing her job with the fervor of a franciscan friar's flowing frock. i swear, there has to be like six of her - it's like she's part of an oompa loompa cleaning lady service or something. she just makes me feel so guilty too. here she is; probably not even fluent in english and twice my age but she's working like 10 times harder than me, all whilst making probably a quarter of what i make. then again, 100% of able bodied adults could do her job while only 85% could do mine, but still. that just goes to show that you're worth and pay are based on how replaceable you are and/or how unique your skills are... so, there you go. that's why i never feel any sympathy towards waiters and waitresses complaining about their pay or "living off tips" because anybody could do their jobs. that's why waiting tables is often the first job of so many high schoolers and only job of all these aspiring aspirers. anyway, back to my archnemesis; while i blog this i do feel kind of silly and evil myself for harbouring such resentment towards such a harmless and hard working lady but i do remember once, when she first started, that i smiled and said "hello," but she gave me the high hat and there's just been this unspoken, awkward vibe betwixt us ever since. maybe i’ll give her a white, cashmere sweater for x-mas and this will bury the hatchet… as long as she doesn’t see that red dot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the top 7 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 3

1. the lefties shake hands righty: while jmc and bo'b are both portsiders, they still elected to use their less dominant hand in their pre-debate, salutatory handshake. this just goes to show how southpaws still harbour the negative effects of this social stigma in their everyday lives. while dollypaws aren't getting a ruler across the knuckles or being attributed with satanic qualities anymore, they're still so adversely affected by their minority standing that they can't even greet each other in the way which nature intended. this point also prologues the fun factoid that five of our last seven presidents have been gibblefisters (including jmc or bo'b). so, with these five, including the three more before that, there have been eight presidents with such affliction/advantage - that comes to roughly 18%. that doesn't sound like much but only 7-10% of the adult population is cackhanded. neat.

2. mccain gets snarky: when jmc opened the debates with "...and sen. o'bama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting," this was a clear and calculated example of subterfuge and snark. you see, jmc challenged bo'b to a series of ten joint town hall meetings all the way back in june, once b'ob all but earned the presidential nod. unfortunately, b'ob declined but jmc probably would've declined too if b'ob had challenged him. maybe this is just my bias blogging but i believe this was a political act of chicken where whoever challenges who wins by virtue of neither party's willingness to engage. or, jmc was willing to back up his challenge and, in that case, b'ob was straight punk'd, yo. either way, i believe the more open forums for discourse the better but this can't reflect well on jmc to take a shot like that in just his very first statement of the debate, can it? sure, bo'b was snarky at times too but this was easily the most loaded and discreet example of it. and, at www.badumblog.blogspt.com, the snark stops here because this is the no snark zone and we're looking out for you (thank you, bill o'reilly).

3. mccain's handicap is his handicap: of course this is unfair, irrelevant and catty but the sight of jmc out and about with free reign from the shackles of his podium, is aesthetically unpleasing, creepy and downright horrifying. i know, i know, his weird arm thing that makes him look like he's wading through a cold crick is from injuries sustained during his stay at the hannoi hilton but we are such visual peoples that this can't bode well. this was proven at the first televised presidential debates when jfk elected to go with makeup and bronzer while dick nixon rocked the flop sweat and receding hairline. if you'll remember, all those who watched the debates saw jfk as the clear winner while those listening to radio believed it to be dick nixon. it makes you wonder how different the polls would be if the visuals and gaits were reversed, straightened and less creepy.

4. mccain is a multitasker: when jmc was asked about "health care, energy, and entitlement reform: social security and medicare" in regards to what order he'd prioritize them he answered "i think you can work on all three at once." hmm, is jmc suggesting we multitask much like he did with the pending bailout plan and the first presidential debates when he chose to suspend the election and postpone said debates??? ruh roh!!! was this an intentional play by jmc to erase the memories of his failed politickin' during that time or was this a bonehead example of hypocrisy? i, for one, agree with the former because methinks everything said in these debates is calculated and rehearsed which is why they refuse to answer the questions in lieu of hitting on their precious talking points. plus, jmc alluded to multitasking again when he said "look, we can attack health care and energy at the same time. we're not - we're not - we're not rifle shots here." this is where i'd insert a palin/helicopter/gun/moose joke if i were a hackneyed, hack blogger.

5. hi, i'm in delaware: finally, we have an answer to wayne campbell and garth algar's general ennui and languor when faced with the prospect of going on holiday to delaware. according to bo'b "everybody (banks) goes to delaware, because they've got very - pretty loose laws when it comes to things like credit cards." hmm, now we know. thanks, bo'b! hey, isn't your pal, joe biden, also a senator from delaware? i have just quadrupled mine and your delaware knowledge.

6. o'bama makes a funny: oooh, oooh, did you hear it when bo'b attributed jmc to being the guy who sang "bomb, bomb, bomb iran?" that's funny because the beach boys are often attributed to be the ones who first sang "barbara ann" while it was fred fassert and "the regents" who first wrote and preformed the song. but, it was "vince vance and the valliants" who later parodied the song as "bomb iran" and vinnie barbarino of "welcome back kotter" who famously preformed his own rendition; "baa-baa-baa baa-barbarino." but even still, we come full circle as jmc did attempt to sing the aforementioned vince vance version at a campaign stop in april of '07. thank you, bo'b and thank you, www.wikipedia.com.

7. o'bama really likes pig metaphors: again, bo'b utilized a pig metaphor - again!!! behold: "i mean, you know, it's tough to ask a teacher who's making $30,000 or $35,000 a year to tighten her belt when people who are making much more than her are living pretty high on the hog." who are these "people," who bo'b clearly hates and takes great pleasure in besmirching, that he's speaking of? and, why would this "hog," who is clearly just as bad as those he lets ride high on, aid and abet these teacher haters? of course, i'm just perpetuating such pigheaded politics by drawing attention to and rolling in the mud with such skullduggery and malfeasants but i hope you'll just disregard it as hogwash. or, maybe this is just bo'b slyly pandering to the jews, once again, by preying on their kosher sensibilities and degrading all things pork... "th-th-th-that's all folks!"

ba dum BLOG!!!

cascading blog

viagra looks to be an excellent and viable drug which has provided many happy returns. however, it seems to me that their advertisements are only targeting one, specific kind of dude. yes, whether they’re in their 40s or 60s, these flaccid fellas are all shown to be participating in varying dalliances with women which range anywhere between dancing, a romantic dinner or a spirited game of battleship. the key phrase here is “with women”... and, no, i’m not suggesting viagra commercials featuring homosexuals - that’s perverse, YUCK! i’m proposing that viagra throws a proverbial bone to all the "solitaire" (badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/jelly-blog.html) players of the world. so, if you’re low on blood flow and one for cascading cards of alternating colours and descending numerical order then why would you also want to be reminded that you’re single, can’t get a date and are very, very alone??? i’m sure a very significant amount of "limp larrys" are lonely as opposed to playing the field or happily married. and, if i know anything about the psychology of advertising (which i don't), when a specific group of people aren’t being represented or catered to they’ll be less likely to get that warm and fuzzy feeling inside that compels said group to purchase said product. i’m not saying you make an explicitly lewd and graphic commercial but one that’s tastefully done all while making it very clear to the audience you’re trying to reach that you're there, and here, for them. for example; you could show a guy on his computer, perhaps playing the internet video game of “world of warcraft,” another dude playing hacky sack or a fella’ getting a calf cramp massaged out. if the viagra people made a commercial with a montage of those images spliced with the knee slappin,' foot stompin' tunes of the “viva viagra boys” then you’d see a substantial *ahem* rise in sales.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: viagra humour = fresh, timely and lolz... NOT!!!

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 2

6. i love israel, you love israel, we all love israel!: for those of you who don't know, israel = florida jews. you see, florida is a battle ground state or, a swing state with a lot of old jews with old money who vote. they were the crux of the whole florida debacle in '00 because it was mostly them who either f'd up or got f'd over (depending on which team you root for) and had their votes not counted or miscounted. conventional wisdom says they probably would've voted for gore but who knows... either way, they'll once again be a pivotal force in the '08 election and both sexy sarah and joey b. would be remiss if they didn't espouse their israel love like they did during the debates.

7. who is "joe six pack?:" for one thing, i don't know if i'd be bragging about and/or pandering to a constituency who may, at the very least, be binge drinkers or alcoholics. really, is that something you wanna' be bringing up over and over again at the debates? why is "joe six pack" good and "latte sipping larry" bad? yes, i know there was no mention of a "latte sipping larry" but latte sippers are usually demonized by the right in political forums while drunken mongoloids are celebrated as the salt of the earth. meanwhile, joey b. missed an excellent opportunity for the greatest moment in debate history (yes, even better than steve a. douglas' "four matadors in quick sand/quatro cinco" quip during the lincoln/douglas debates). anyway, biden should've stepped out from behind his podium and said "hey, if y'all wanted to know what's important to "joe six pack," all you had to do was ask..." then, he pulls up his shirt, flexes, punches his stomach and screams "these abs don't flab!!!" game, set, biden.

8. pulp moves, baby!: really, what was with all of sexy sarah's winking? i mean, it made me sit up a little straighter in my seat but doesn't that make her look kinda' shifty or like a floozy. i guess i just don't totally get the connotations of winking. when george was doing it in the famous episode of "seinfeld" it was accidental but construed as giving off a less than honest vibe. when guys and and girls do it to eachother isn't it a flirty thing? so, why would palin do this? she's hot enough as it is... does she really need to wink, too? trust me, the men of america are already on notice and i can't imagine one thing a woman hates more than another woman, who is clearly hotter than them, confounding the fact by winking at their depressed, "joe six pack" of a husband.

9. joe biden's sad past: maybe i just hadn't been paying attention but i didn't even know about the whole thing with biden's wife a daughter. it turns out his family was in a pretty horrific car accident that killed his wife, his daughter and put two of his sons in critical condition. biden even contemplated giving up his senatorship so he could provide extra care and attention to his sons, who made a full recovery, and was even sworn into office from one of their bedsides. however, he decided to stick it out and made a special effort to make sure he was home often to care for his sons. this revelation should be neither here nor there in terms of politics but with team republican using palin's mentally challenged sons and pregnant daughter as such a coup, it really puts things in perspective to know biden understands tragedy and family strife. sad :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 1

i originally planned on blogging this blog immediately after the debate, while it was all fresh and so clean clean in my mind, but i had a friend who i haven't seen in like two years who was down to go out on an overnight drunk. and, didn't the beetles say "life is what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans?" but, then again, they also said "i am the walrus" so i don't know what to believe (thank you, tim canterbury). anyway, while a blog is surely worth blogging, a life is also worth living so i lived in lieu of blogging and now i'm hungover in my cubicle where i'm now blogging and not living. yes, www.badumblog.blogspot.com: the intersection of life and blogging.

1. sarah palin and john mccain are still "mavericks:" i actually kept a tally over how many times sarah palin evoked the moniker of "maverick" in regards to either her or john boy. and, it came out to a total of six. now, if vegas created a line in allusion to such, and if i would've put money on it, i would've picked the over and lost. good for sexy sarah! i figured she would've dropped the "maverick" bomb no more than thirty three times but she showed some self-control and resisted such activity. on the other hand, joe biden dropped the "maverick" bomb a total of eight times. however, this all came at the end of the debate when joey b. went on his "mccain is not a maverick" rant. and, in case you were wondering, the dictionary defines a maverick as "one that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter." neat. kinda' like how dallas maverick, josh howard, refused to participate in the national anthem because he's "black"... and a maverick. neater.

2. sexy palin is a soccer mom: what the heck was that? all of a sudden sexy sarah is a "soccer mom" and not a "hockey mom?" really, can you be both? can you even play soccer on the frozen tundra? she totally punk'd out hockey mom's and got all up on soccer moms. personally, i think both sports are lame and she really isn't doing herself any favors by bouncing betwixt the two. is she trying to appeal to mexicans with the whole soccer thing or was she merely just trying to give us a break from hockey? either way, according to sarah, what these mom's were representing was "fear." fear for the economy and the inability to send their "soccer kids" to college and such. poor soccer people :(

3. sarah doesn't answer questions: really, after sexy sarah was called out for not answering questions she replied "i may not answer the questions the way you and the moderator want to hear but i'm going to talk straight to the american people." whaaaaaat??? that'd be all fine and dandy if she was giving a speech at a convention but she just came off as as filibusterin' filibusterer. which is fine, i guess, but it just seemed like she had a chambered soliloquy regardless of what the question was. she had well formulated and prepared thoughts but they rarely answered any of the questions she was asked. gwen would ask her about education and palin would drop a few lines about schools but then say "however gwen, what i really want to talk about is the ozone layer." again, she couldn't tell you what time it was but she could tell you when it's time for chili.

4. smiling smilers like to smile: wow, it was almost as if they were having a "smile off." sarah palin was smiling the whole debate, which was super hot, but joey b. countered with an even toothier, smilier grin. and, low and behold, joey b. actually had a nicer smile. that had to be the upset of the night! for how hot sexy sarah is, who would've thunk it that joey b. would out smile her? really, how nice were his teeth? did he just get some new veneers or is he a flossin' and a brushin' like six times a day? either way, his teeth were the shining star of the night.

5. joey b. mocks joey d.: so, joey b. put on his anderson cooper 360 flak jacket and hit up the local fill-up station for some man on the street, hard hitting journalistic action. There, he asked yokel, joey danco, how much it cost to fill his tank and poor joey d. said he didn't know because he can never afford to. wa wa waaaaaaaaaa :( and.....? and.........? what next, what happened??? did joey b. offer to fill up his tank, did joey d. give him a bracelet or did joey b. merely just stop his tape recorder and say "thanks for the quote, gotta' run and get ready for this debate...PEACE!!!"??? this just seemed like a terrifically awkward exchange amongst the haves and the havenots and i really wish i could have been there as opposed to havenot being there.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor’s note: 6-9, part 2 to come later.

morbid blogesity

you hear about that new law in california? governor schwarzenegger (the black plowman) signed a bill where restaurant chains with more than twenty locations must print nutritional information on their menus. i can understand and appreciate the thought process behind this but i don't like what it means for me. first off, i went to catholic school for eight years and have just barely begun to come down from my crucifixion of guilt and have no intentions of returning. i know fast food is bad for me but i also reserve the right to put whatever i want into my body, whenever i want to, all in the name of happiness without the government insulting my intelligence and attempting to save me from myself. secondly, i like how fast food speeds up the evolutionary process and weeds out the dumb and weak. sure, i eat a lot of fast food but i also practice moderation and exercise - i'm not a fatty. and, what the over consumption of fast food inevitably does is make the weak minded masses who exhibit no self-control, pride in self or common sense morbidly obese which cuts down on their ability to find suitable mates to reproduce and, because of said morbid obesity, cuts into their life expectancy. simply put: fast food isolates the useless gene and eliminates it. lastly, this law discourages critical thinking and applied intelligence. this bill does for health what the bible does for morality. do healthy people need a government induced, fast food calorie count to be healthy? NOPE! do good and ethical people need the bible to be good and ethical? NOPE! i don't want fat people to know they're fat just as i don't want unethical people to know they're unethical. when we force feed (pun INTENDED!) self-awareness like this it encourage change for the better and, in turn, shrinks the gap between me and them. if not for them, i wouldn't be trim and good by comparison (heck, i'm barely hanging on as it is). the next thing you know, a blog bill will be passed that makes every mouth breathing mongoloid blog a daily blog and then i'd really be in big heap trouble.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ugh, i know... i get tired of the ba dum BLOGger acting like a know-it-all and as if he's better than 99.99% of the planet too. however, be rest assured because, coincidentally enough, that same percentage represents how many people haven't heard of nor will ever read the ba dum BLOG!!!

blogquisha

okay, so i have hairy arms. however, i still contend that i'm just barely above average in arm hairiness for the run-o'-the-mill, american white caucasian male but the issue lies in the fact that my arm hair is jet black so it's much more noticeable. i've never really minded the aesthetics of it myself but in college it had gotten to the point where i overheard myself being referred to as "the guy with the hairy arms" on more than one occasion. so, i began trimming my arm hair with a beard trimmer. problem solved, right? WRONG! now, during the first week after a trim, i'd get more comments in reference to the trim than i ever did for the arm hair to begin with. yet, even with all the "do you trim your arm hair" or the "i thought your arms were hairier" i still never heard myself referred to as "the guy who trims his arm hair" so i considered this the more agreeable alternative. i felt this way until recently where i realized i was starting to get very uncomfortable with my arm hair becoming a topic of discussion. that's all i want really; just for my arm hair to be irrelevant and not an issue that warrants comments. so here i am; i'm a 26-year-old man who's decided to own it, go au naturale and let his arm hair run wild. and, while i'm at it, i think it's time for men to stop trimming, shaving and ughh... waxing their chest hair as well. now, as a completely straight and sexually comfortable hetero male, i'll say that male chest hair is the hot sex - it's manly and just looks right. i seriously think a little bit of hamburger meat spilling out of a shirt looks good. besides, can any sane or right thinking women or man truly think a slippery smooth chase "gay face" crawford or a zach "zaquisha" effron (thank you, perez hilton) is better looking than a vigorously virile burton leon reynolds or a tom selleck??? i don't think so...

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum BLOGger has no "game" vol. 6

bloggers like me (losers) need a great deal of circumstance and luck to get chicks. we aren't going to a bar and handpicking the belle of the ball, slinging her drunken body over our shoulder and bringing her back to our den. we just can't. we gots no "game." this means when we have an opportunity of circumstance we need to pounce and pounce hard. whether it be a cute girl in the cubicle next to us, a hot chick in class or a literal girl next door (or a few doors down) as in a neighbour; these situations provide bloggers like me (losers) to organically get to know a girl and woo her in a low pressure, unthreatening way. of course, nine times out of ten, this leaves us in the dreaded "friend zone" but it's better than being mocked and made fun of, ten times out of ten, at bars. this is why it still sticks in my craw to this day when i couldn't open or close the deal with a couple of neighbour girls a few doors down. so, if you'd please indulge me as we (my reader and i) take a ride in the way back machine to about two years ago (give or take a year...).

so, my roommate and i had just moved into a new apartment and whilst our apartment manager was going over the particulars she let us know that we may be getting a fair amount of mail for the girls who used to live in our place but have since moved a few doors down. of course, my desperate/opportunistic wheels start a-turnin' and before i could even get my hands on that mail i decided that once i got their names from their mail that i'd plug them into myspace and see what we're dealing with. diabolical? yes. creepy? perhaps. stalkerish? probably. something that every guy would do if they had the foresight and were genius enough to think of but would never have the keep-it-realness to admit? indubitably: stone cold, lead pipe lock of a fact. so, i found their myspaces, which weren't "private," (which immediately earned them 10 "cool chick points") and were both attractive (but not too attractive) and single! i couldn't ask for a better situation!!! however, a bigger discrepancy betwixt great situation and huge loser could not have occurred.

right from the get-go, our mail box was flooded with moderately attractive neighbour chick mail. and, for better or for worse (i'll let you guess which it is/was), my roommate was gone on business and not spending much time at our apartment so the onus fell entirely on me to deliver the mail and male. so here i am, literally knock-kneed, sweating and pacing in our apartment with a handful of moderately attractive neighbour chick mail rehearsing over and over again in my head what i'm going to say upon delivering said mail. of course, i already knew their names and what they looked like so i was scheming and racking my brains over something clever i could offer during introductions. well, there is no chance of them ever reading this so i'll let you in on their names since this is important to my clever quip i had chambered. their names were amber and ashley with the former having strawberry blondish hair and the latter with dark brown hair. can you see where i'm going with this??? my genius line, upon introductions, was to make the observation that their names and hair colours should be reversed since ashley has amber coloured hair and amber had ashy coloured hair. where else but http://www.badumblog.bogspot.com/ can you get this kind of candid, unadulterated insight into one of the internets' great minds?

so here i am, mail in hand and at the door. i ring the bell and one of the moderately attractive neighbour chicks answers (i think it was ashley), i introduce myself as the new neighbour, she introduces herself and calls amber to the door to meet me as well. we all exchanged pleasantries where i proceeded to metaphorically piss all over myself with nary a quip, nary anything except for me looking at the ground, mumbling my name and giving them a requisite "nice to meet you." of course, i now realize that it's best i didn't go with the hair/name line but, at the time, i had it chambered and ready to go and i still could've said something, right? of course, since i'm a neurotic head case, i never bounced back from this initial meeting and proceeded to just leave their mail under their door matt and continued to give muted "hellos" during our chance meetings in the halls. of course, me retreating to turtle shell mode was completely irrational and a total overreaction to nothing but i just couldn't stomach having anything more than a two minute conversation with the moderately attractive neighbour chicks. it just wasn't worth the aggravation and self-loathing. then again, they didn't show much of an interest in anything more than a two minute conversation either so it probably wouldn't have progressed any further anyway, right? but still...

so, yada, yada, yada they moved out a couple of months later and that was that. why is this relevant; other than having to fill blog space in a daily blog? because we just had some neighbours move out and, over the excitement of getting new neighbours, i was reminded of what not to do if we got another duo of hot, neighbour chicks. actually, i hope we don't. i know it sounds ridiculous but my mind just races and can't help but put all these ridiculous expectations and scenarios in play. does everyone's mind work like this or am i just the only one dumb enough to blog it? i don't know what i expected... i didn't have to get to second base with them or anything but we were of the same age and everything so we could've at least been friends, right? and then, they could meet my friends, i could meet their friends and we'd all have more friends by proxy. a very underreported part of graduating college is just how you took for granted that 90% of your friends have always come from school and now you're leaving that fertile crescent of social fertility behind. and, to be honest, i really haven't figured out how to make friends in a post-college world. i mean, i've made a few good friends through work but it's just not as easy. anyway, back to getting new neighbours, it would be nice if they were some guys or girls of similar age so their could be potential for friendship but i just know that it'll probably just be some loud armenian family who will stink up the halls with their potent food. you ever notice that? i think you can tell how long minorities have been in america by how much their food permeates the surrounding areas. the more pungent, the more fobish... just sayin.'

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: daily blogging = quantity over quality.

the top 10 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 1

i don't have the chops to provide a real, comprehensive analysis of all things debates so i'll provide a more eclectic, gimmicky look at what i saw and heard (and, more importantly, what you didn't see and hear). besides, this thing has been analyzed and taken apart a million times over by now and i don't just merely want to hitch my blog to their professional, well written, analytical wagons and provide my ba dum BLOGateers with the silly, irrelevant and inconsequential underbelly of all things debated.

*blogged and listed in chronological order

1. john mccain bringing up ted kennedy: did anyone else get the sense that they had a coin flip backstage over who would get to mention ted kennedy's deteriorating health during the debates? i just find it odd that john boy would be the one to do it in lieu of o'bama since kennedy has kinda' been like his mentor and big fat white benefactor. or, was this just mccain politickin' and extending the proverbial bi-partisan olive branch? either way, it was awkward and strange.

2. wall street "bad," main street "good:" i can't tell you why but i found this whole wall street vs. main street thing very clever and effective. is this a common and known phrasing to distinguish betwixt the phat cats on wall street as opposed to the normal, corn fed lot on main street? since both candidates were using it and using it quite liberally, i doubt this phrase was just coined that night. either way, i was amused and every time someone said "main street" it made me think of disneyland :)

3. no commercials: really, no commercials??? it's bad for the debators, it's bad for the bloggers and it's bad for the economy. it's not like the debators are merely just standing their and reading a pre-fed speech off the teleprompter either. for one thing, they're standing, which isn't easy, and i'd imagine this is probably one of the most taxing ordeals you could ever put your brain through. we can't give these fellas one 10 minute break??? it's tough for bloggers too. i actually peed into a bucket in my living room just so i wouldn't miss anything. for that two minute span i almost devolved into a middle american and nearly signed up for the military and said a prayer. and, most importantly, it's bad for the economy. c'mon, the debate is a ratings bonanza... let's sell some shizz!

4. o'bama needs "hatchet, not scalpel:" i'd like to consider myself a wordsmith and finely tuned into all matters of word choice and diction. this is why i almost slid out of my seat when i heard o'babma say he needed to use a "hatchet, not a scalpel" in regards to fixing the broken economy. now, i believe phrases like this are chambered and decided upon with your handlers and speech writer type guys beforehand as opposed to just coming off the top of your head. but why a "hatchet and not a scalpel?" because barack has been accused of being an "elitist," meaning he hails from the world of academia, deals in nuance and gives thoughtful, wordy answers. now, who uses a scalpel? the educated and creative; doctors and artists use scalpels as it's a tool of fine, thoughtful movements utilized to dissect and carve. while a hatchet is an axe; a crude tool of broad, sweeping movements. injuns and rednecks use hatchets to hack wood, scalps and in-laws. this was o'bama eliciting thoughts of impulsive, decisive action as to distance himself from the world of academia and center himself on the political landscape to appeal to the thoughtless, fuddy duddies of america.

5. warshington's "orgy of spending:" see, he did it again!!! o'bama referred to the government's loose purse strings as an "orgy of spending." just like with before, he's centering himself and appealing to the undecided, right leaning contingency. when middle america hears "orgy," their jesus crosses burn an imprint into their chest. and here, o'bama is eliciting this feeling and attributing it to warshington, the current administration and republicans. orgies = sin, warshington = sin and republicans = sin. oh no, the republicans sinned!!! hell hath no fury on the economy like an angry god's scorn... must mean it's time for o'bama to ride in on his half white steed, clean house and give warshington back to jesus!

6. john mccain is NOT "miss congeniality:" john boy made this comment not only once but twice. of course, we all know what he was trying to say - mainly that he's tough and not one to go along party lines just for the sake of staying buddy buddy with "team republican" when there's some serious reform and presidential butt kickin' to be doled out. however, this was a curious phrase to turn since john boy's running mate, sarah palin, was named "miss congeniality" in a miss alaska pageant from the 80s. this begs the question: is it good or bad to be named "miss congeniality." will palin's congeniality compliment and make up for john boy's lack there of or did he make a booboo and add too much congeniality to the gop's ticket?

7. o'bama doesn't know the difference betwixt "tactic and strategy:" yes, john boy accused o'bama of not understanding the subtle differences betwixt the words when they debated the iraq war. i thought about it and i don't know if i know the difference either other than a "strategy" is something that fosters and comes before a "tactic?" anyway here's what www.dictionary.com has to say: "in military usage, a distinction is made between strategy and tactics. strategy is the utilization, during both peace and war, of all of a nation's forces, through large-scale, long-range planning and development, to ensure security or victory. tactics deals with the use and deployment of troops in actual combat." neat.

8. the battle of the bracelets: first off, i blame lance armstrong for all this bracelet nonsense; what started off as cute and kitschy has gone full blown ridiculous and annoying. as john boy is trying to rationalize the war in iraq he harkens back to a flimsy, rubber bracelet some mother of a fallen soldier gave mccain and asked him to "make sure her son's death was not in vain." but o'bama would not be outdone… nay!!! he busted out his own bracelet that another mother of a fallen soldier gave to him and asked to "make sure no more mothers have to go thorough this" - meaning dying for a phony war. this was easily the most embarrassing part of the debate. poor o'bama even had to take a beat and read off the name of the fallen soldier from his notes. also, how many bracelets do they think they’re given and how do they decide which one to use in primetime? i think o'bama should've just pulled up his sleeve and said "i have a bracelet too; it's for type 2 diabetes mellitus and it let's people know i may need a cookie or insulin if i am comatose" game, set, match: o'bama.

9. obama "taking them (pakistan) out": woah, o'bama does NOT like pakistan. it's as if he just threw a dart at the middle east to decide where he would take his macho, blowhardy stand just to show team republican that he wasn't a milquetoast, weenie. but, wow... when he actually used the phrase of "taking them out" even a macho, war mongerer like mccain looked shocked. did anyone else know about pakistan being such a rabblerouser??? i sure haven't. i've heard about iraq, iran, north korea and russia... but "taking them (pakistan) out???" like, woah.

10. o'bama didn't "um" or stutter: i found this the most impressive part of the debate. o'bama was an ummin,' stutterin' machine. do people realise how difficult a thing this is to kick? much less at a tension filled forum like a debate in from of the whole country. of course, all the "ums" and stuttering is because o'bama's brain is a churnin' with a bazillion thoughts and ideas at once, but still... on the other hand, john boy still spewed out one "my friends" and still hasn’t kicked that creepy arm thing that makes him look like he’s wading through a cold crick.

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gaudy, empty trinkets of blog

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swashblogging

am i crazy or is this whole mccain suspending his election and putting off the debate so he can save the economy just a case of good ol' fashion politickin'? sure, the economy is a big deal and needs to be fixed but can't warshington figure it out sans one senator and one congressman? is mccain going to make some grand errol flynn-esque, swashbuckling gesture where he swings into warshington on a chandelier, brandishes his musket, rapes a damsel and saves the economy? heck, maybe he will and is that important to fixing the economy but this just reeks of "following him to the gates of hell," "eliminating evil," macho, empty republican rhetoric. maybe this is what a leader does and mccain is right and genuine in doing so. i also might concede to the idea that my bias is getting the best of me in my skepticism of the maverick mavericking his way out of the debates and into belly of the beast that is the economy. still though, mccain's at an all time low in the polls and its supposedly because of the economy and this is his way of showing that "country comes first," his party blew it and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. or, this could also be a whole production to make o'bama look like he doesn't care about the economy and is more concerned with his bid for president than for the country. however, mccain lost all benefit of the doubt when he crossed letterman by cancelling on him to save the economy all whilst chillin' with katie couric. i really don't know... do you???

pardon me if this has been mentioned or blogged before but sarah palin is rocky of the eponymously titled sly stallone vehicle, "rocky." not in the sense that she's an underdog and is going to win, like hillary tried to draw allusions to during her campaign (especially since rocky did NOT win). but in the sense that she's just some politically charged marketing ploy who was chosen and created in a smoke filled room of scheming suits. remember, rocky wasn't picked because he was the best, or even good – he was a tomato can, but because he was some working class dago (the italian stallion) from the streets of philadelphia (thank you, bruce springsteen) who the downtrodden people of philly could get behind - he was the "american dream." much like palin is a hot female, from a small town, has a big family, is a bible humper, hunts and is righter than dubya - the "republican american dream." rocky was merely supposed to put butts in seats, make the suits some money (not box) - that's it. just like palin was chosen to win the election (not actually vp) - that's it. sure, palin could end up surprising all sane minded people and turn out to be a competent vp like rocky turned out to be a competent boxer but shouldn't the bar be a little higher for second in command? actually, i can see it turning out a lot like "rocky" - palin surprises everyone with her skillz and moxy, still loses but gains enough momentum and the actual experience needed to be a real life political player and legitimately makes some real vp/presidential waves in the next four years much like rocky goes on to become a legitimate boxer, gets his rematch and eventually defeats apollo creed. ehhh, this doesn’t quite work, does it? consider this a daily blog space filler.

not done with the vp; the system is broke and needs to be fixed. the vp isn't a two month campaign boost but an actual job with real duties - especially when you're duties include being on deck for leader of the free world. but especially when the leader of the free world in question is a septuagenarian with a litany of health issues. so, this is what i propose: make the selection of vp occur after the presidential election in the same way the president chooses his cabinet. even my dearest and closest friend, who is a lifelong member of team republican, admits that there were AT LEAST fifty republicans who would've served as a better vp and that palin was chosen to merely galvanize women voters. while i'm still not sure what coating women with zinc to avoid rusting has to do with anything, i gathered his point through context, nonetheless. so, is being a political mascot make you qualified to be vp? nope! so, how about we do as i said with choosing the vp after the election and create an actual position of "presidential mascot" and good ol' palin can travel around to all sorts of rallies, sticker stops, etc. and bring along one of those t-shirt guns (she like guns) that you see at sporting events and make hay. and, barack could choose bono or something and he could sing his "uno, dos, tres, catorce" song and talk about aids in africa. or, we could just do as we did in the olden days and have the loser of the presidential election become the defacto vp. why not? maybe that could even serve as the first step in eliminating all this partisan poppycock and help do away with the hackneyed party system. or maybe i have no clue what i'm blogging aboot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we promise, we'll have a blog of levity tomorrow without the politics. and, ba dum BLOGger is italian and reserves the right to use all italian racial slurs in accordance with the n'word theory of owning it and taking away some of its juice.

the day the blogging died

september 23, 2008 will be forever known as "the day the ambiguity died." much like february 3, 1959 is known as "the day the music died" and september 20, 2008 shall be remembered as "the day two marginal celebrities survived while a publicist, a bodyguard a pilot and a candlestick maker, all of which are of little or no significance, died." neat, huh? anyway, back to the 'mos... yes, lindsay lohan and clay aiken have both emerged from their respective, not so secretive or furtive, closets. yay, good for them!!! seriously though, i love the gays. well, maybe i don't love them inasmuch that i hate all the wacko, religious zealots who loathe and condemn their bumpluggery and clambakery to hell or, at the very least, confine them to the darkness of their metaphorical closets of shame. either way, i'm on team "clayDo" and "LezLo" because when homosexual people don't come out and own themselves they are giving credence to the "don't ask, don't tell" attitude that implies they are wrong and should be embarrassed for being themselves and living their nonthreatening, nonimposing on your lives lives. you watch though; all the twenty-four-hour-a-day news network, talking heads will wax moronic saying things like "who cares how they live their lives?," "why do they need to make an announcement of their own personal affairs?" and/or "you don't see me bragging about how i hunt moose and use pretty words like 'dressing' to literally dress up the idea of gutting and skinning a still warm animal carcass." actually, i'm not that against hunting but the whole idea of "dressing" a moose is grosser than sodomy, right? at least sodomizing (or "gomorrahizing" - really gomorrah got off easy...) includes consent betwixt two, like minded human beings. look, i digressed and i know this is all very stream of conscious and scattershot but the important thing is that all you 'mos need to come out and come out with such extreme force that your calves cramp up and "closets" don't even exist anymore. in all sincerity though; more important than the economy, the war, mccain not knowing how to use computers or o'bama being an infanticidist is the fact that we have this whole group of people in america who are terrified of what their families, their friends, their bosses, their colleagues, their church, etc. would think of them if they merely just expressed themselves and their love for others with the same zeal and zest all us heteros are afforded. that is all... yay homos, boo closets... HISSSSS!

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: yes, we know LezLo technically came out on sunday, september 21 on the loveline show but "the thirty-six-hour span the ambiguity died" doesn't have the same tambour to it.

futblog americano

do professional athletes wear deodorant? heck, i wouldn't. i think the best offense is an offensive odor. this strategy would probably work best in basketball since you're indoors and are bumpin' and grindin' (thank you, r. kelly) in a smaller, more confined and, dare i say, more intimate space. football and rugby would work too i guess; especially on the lines of scrimmages, piles and scrums. however, this may present problems in the huddle - maybe that's why donovan mcnabb was vomiting in the super bowl. but i would definitely do this and i wouldn't stop at just merely not deodorizing myself. perhaps, i'd bathe myself in a bleu cheese and sulfur cocktail, leave my jersey in a smokers lounge, eat some garlic fries and/or step in some doggy doo doo. just think of the psychological and physical advantages this would give me. would anyone be able to bring themselves to play tight d on me, box me out or post me up? i wonder if this would even be legal or if they'd create some rule because they were tired of cleaning the puke off the court. also imagine all the great nicknames that could be had like "stinky pete," "foul freddy," "hank the stank," "latrell the smell" or, if the whole team employed this, "the stenchmen." shoot, all i know is that if they threw some namby pamby zones at me to combat the stank that i'd bust that shizz with some smoove j's, yo!

we need to get rid of extra points in football. or, give them the appropriate nomenclature of "superfluous points," "redundant points" or, simply put, "a joke." futbol americano is undoubtedly the most perfect, seamless and well oiled machine we have here in the usofa. heck, i'd even contend that it's art and better than porno movies. and why is this so? it's because of the drama and that nobody really knows what's going to happen but, at the same time, completely obsessed with what will and could happen - hence gambling, fantasy and just simply watching the games (i literally watched nine hours straight on sunday - literally). then why is there a key, point earning component to the game that has a success rate of 99.7%? there is no room for "gimmes" in football. sure, we have the alternative point after option of the two-point conversion but coaches only choose this option 1% of the time and chiefly occurs in moments of desperation rather than in moxy and/or hubris (thank you, mike shanahan). the two-point conversion is good; how about we just eliminate the extra-point in lieu of this? some would agree with this, but the drama of choice and risk in deciding which point after method you'd employ is an integral part of it all. not to mention, it'd just seem redundant and confusing to see all these two-point conversions after five yard touchdowns. how about the extra point is moved back to a 30 or 40 yard kick? then, this would also be weird because a 20 yard field goal would be worth the standard three points while a 30 or 40 yard extra point would be only the one point. so, i say this: make the extra point 30 yards and eliminate the option of field goals under 30 yards and thus making the new red zone begin at the 30 yard line and renaming it the "four down zone." how say you?

ba dum BLOG!!!

live blogging of the first 45 mins. of the emmys

holy crap, i'm live blogging the prime time emmys which are brought to you by the academy of television arts and sciences. this just may be the least compelling blog i have ever blogged but i think this is something that real life bloggers do and when in the blogosphere, blog as the bloggers blog. this task won't only challenge me mentally but physically, as well. see, i'm already mentally tv'd out from watching nine straight hours of football and now i'm tacking on three more hours of emmy fun for twelve straight hours of tv - holy mackerel! not to mention, i only blog with one finger and am not sure i'm physically up to snuff to physically keep up with all the emmy comings and goings in a live fashion. so here we is: the emmys, live blogged by ba dum BLOGer at www.badumblog.blogspot.com - tell your friends!

*blogged earlier this evening*

800pm
- okay, some little montagey type thing with all these tv people saying silly quotes from famous tv shows and, incidentally, just ripped off my opening line of "holy crap" over and over again.
-here's oprah in a flowing red dress blowing hard and welcoming us to the show. and now she's quoting groucho marx about how educational television is: "whenever someone turns on the television, i leave the room and open a book." amazing, she's actually quoting someone other than another black person (racist?).
- ugh, the emmy's are being hosted by all the hosts who are nominated for best hosts in a reality show - howie mandel, jeff probst, ryan seacrest, heidi klum (eat it, tyra!) and tom bergeron.
- heidi klum is taller than all of them and wearing a suit.
- howie just made a sarah palin joke in reference to them having nothing to say. win or lose, sarah palin will go down as the biggest celebrity of 2008. - their bit is that they have nothing to say nor is anything loaded in the prompter (cop out). bergeron and klum are completely silent because they have the least talent.
- oh, that was the joke. it's their network (abc) so they're the ones speaking now. hah, klum made a joke about howie being a hypochondriac.
- they just brought up bill shatner on stage to bail them out and they ripped off klum's tux to reveal a sexy little black number (sexist).
- tina fey and a very pregnant amy pohler have just stepped on stage to say "hi" to all the other countries watching the show. they're both hot and funny... unlike me. amy pohler is also very tan which i didn't know was allowed... you know, to go into a tanning booth when preggers.
- oh, they're announcing the best male supprting actor in a comedy series. it's between jon cryer (gay), kevin dillon (cool), nph (gay), jeremy piven (hair plugs) and someone else i wasn't fast enough to type.
- piven wins! good for him, i guess. he reminds me of a less cool, less talented bob downey jr. without the sense of humour and good head of hair. piven is struggling in his acceptance speech and just made a ridiculous joke about being a roofer that bombed, which he acknowledged and then went on to make fun of the rambling, awkward opening from the four hosts.
- twelve minutes in, a commercial break and i don't think i can do this. i thought i'd have room for a lot more tangents and digressions but i've turned into stenographer with more typos per minute than words.

816pm
- bergeron and seacrest are sitting in the "seinfeld" diner and they show the scene from "the contest" (you know, the masturbation one) where they lay out the groundwork for... the contest. classic, i think larry david won an emmy for writing this episode.
- out comes julia louis-dreyfus. she kind of has a witch face buit she's still hot.
- oh, she's announcing best supporting actress in a comedy series (i need to quit being surprised by this). the noms are kristen chenowith (buxom) amy poheler (never seen anyone nominated from snl before), jean smart (who?), holland someone (who), vanessa williams (seen her naked in penthouse). jean smart wins from "samantha who?"... jean smart who??? lolzzz
- gotta take a crap.
- wow, my crap break was the exact same length (time wise) as jean smart's acceptance speech.
- i always though "samantha who?" was about an asian chick (you know, like samantha "hu") but i guess christina applegate is "samantha."

825pm
- probst and klum are talking about chicks and this segues into an awkward kiss betwixt the two... and now a clip from "desperate housewives."
- i've never seen this show. oh boy, all the sluts from wisteria lane are here. i think the only hot one is eva longoria.
- oh, they're announcing supporting actor in a drama. the noms are ted danson (hair peice), michael emmerson (creepy), zeljko ivanek (who), bill shatner (yawn) and john slattery (prematurely gray).
- zeljko ivanek wins! who???? for some show called "damages" what??? why didn't john slattery or michael emmerson win? at least i watch their shows ("mad men" and "lost," respectively).
- ricky gervais is on... YESSSS!!!! he has easily got to be the most talented person in the theater. gosh, he's funny. the brits just get it. he just introduced a montage of "funny" acceptance speeches. lolzzzz... NOT!!! show more gervais!!!
- nice!!! gervais is ripping steve carrell who has unserendipitously (i actually spelled this right the first time, thank you) ruined the character gervais serendipitously created in the british office. really, the british office is to the nba as the american one is to the wnba. i don't know how anyone can watch it after first watching the british one. i do really like the dawn character of pam in the american one though. she's soooooo hot
- i love her. i wonder if she's at the emmys.

841pm
- i give up. i'll never be a real blogger. i just can't type fast enough to interject all the things that make me an okay blogger instead of a horrible stenographer.
- besides, j-lo hewitt and hayden panetierre just came on so i'll need some time to myself.

900pm
- so, there you have it: the first 45 minutes of the emmys live blogged at www.badumblog.blogspot.com by ba dum BLOGger.
- i am a n00b, i have failed... pwn3d.
- i need a cigarette.
- even though i'm posting the blog on sunday night, this still counts as my first blog for the one day a blog era.

ba dum BLOG!!!