jelly blog

so, i guess patrick swayze is dying of pancreatic cancer and is listed as day-to-day...but aren't we all? (thank you dan patrick) anyway, as i sit here in my cube and think about my life as it has been, is and where it will be, i'd gladly trade it with spinning jennifer grey above my head, taking names at the "double deuce" and doing ceramics with demi moore - even it is for 55 childless years. oooh, "ghost!!!" you know that's gotta be at the back of his, mrs. swayze's and whoopi's mind.

we need a better euphemism for masturbation. or, maybe only i do since i don't know anyone else who loves waxing poetic on the subject as much as i do. sure, we have "jerk off" and "rub out" but those aren't legitimate, suitable euphemisms - if they are at all. how about "solitaire?" it basically means the same thing; a game you play by yourself. it would totally work! "how was your night?" "uneventful. went to the bars, got drunk, got turned down/made fun of by three girls (you lie down from eight), went home and played some solitaire." or "you wanna' go play some basketball?" "no can do, think i threw out my hip playing solitaire during my lunch break."

for supposedly being the greatest piece of literature in the history of the world don't you think there are one too many versions of an "ark" in the bible and/or torrah? seriously, let's have two different words for things as far ranging as a gigantic boat that holds two of every animal known to man to a box that holds the ten commandments. i'm pretty sure noah's ark came first so imagine moses' confusion when yahweh gave him the ten commandments and told him to build them an "ark."
yahweh: moses, take these ten commandments, don't get mad and break them, read them to your peeps and build an ark to store and transport them in.
moses: well, don't you think an "ark" is a bit ambitious for these two 10x12 stone tablets?
yahweh: huh, sure...just make it a small ark that's not like a boat, or even bouyant for that matter, that also shoots lasers and ghosts that make nazi's faces melt off.
moses: okay, got it yaweh. one more thing: aren't the "coveting" comandments a tad redundant?

becuase i'm smarter than you, i'll often watch "jeopardy." you know what "jeopardy" means, right? impending danger, risk, peril!!! isn't this a bit of a misnomer? i guess i see the "danger" of risking your money every time you buzz in but that's hardly "jeopardy." actually, you're not even risking your own money and, regardless of what happens, you'll get the home version as a parting gift. in fact, it's a very safe environment; it's sterile, it's blue, no minorities, trebek shaved his mustache, etc. heck, the famous "jeopardy" music during the final round is based on a lullaby merv griffin used to sing to his "jelly babies."**

**editor's note: i actually have to tip my hat to the blogger, for once, for calling upon a homophobic slur from the 1800s.
jelly baby: originally from negro venacular, the phrase soon came to be used by whites as well; slang denoting what uneducated folk imagined (and sometimes still imagine) as a 'pregnancy' from homosexual inercourse.

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