Tuesday, September 30, 2008

ba dum BLOGger has no "game" vol. 6

bloggers like me (losers) need a great deal of circumstance and luck to get chicks. we aren't going to a bar and handpicking the belle of the ball, slinging her drunken body over our shoulder and bringing her back to our den. we just can't. we gots no "game." this means when we have an opportunity of circumstance we need to pounce and pounce hard. whether it be a cute girl in the cubicle next to us, a hot chick in class or a literal girl next door (or a few doors down) as in a neighbour; these situations provide bloggers like me (losers) to organically get to know a girl and woo her in a low pressure, unthreatening way. of course, nine times out of ten, this leaves us in the dreaded "friend zone" but it's better than being mocked and made fun of, ten times out of ten, at bars. this is why it still sticks in my craw to this day when i couldn't open or close the deal with a couple of neighbour girls a few doors down. so, if you'd please indulge me as we (my reader and i) take a ride in the way back machine to about two years ago (give or take a year...).

so, my roommate and i had just moved into a new apartment and whilst our apartment manager was going over the particulars she let us know that we may be getting a fair amount of mail for the girls who used to live in our place but have since moved a few doors down. of course, my desperate/opportunistic wheels start a-turnin' and before i could even get my hands on that mail i decided that once i got their names from their mail that i'd plug them into myspace and see what we're dealing with. diabolical? yes. creepy? perhaps. stalkerish? probably. something that every guy would do if they had the foresight and were genius enough to think of but would never have the keep-it-realness to admit? indubitably: stone cold, lead pipe lock of a fact. so, i found their myspaces, which weren't "private," (which immediately earned them 10 "cool chick points") and were both attractive (but not too attractive) and single! i couldn't ask for a better situation!!! however, a bigger discrepancy betwixt great situation and huge loser could not have occurred.

right from the get-go, our mail box was flooded with moderately attractive neighbour chick mail. and, for better or for worse (i'll let you guess which it is/was), my roommate was gone on business and not spending much time at our apartment so the onus fell entirely on me to deliver the mail and male. so here i am, literally knock-kneed, sweating and pacing in our apartment with a handful of moderately attractive neighbour chick mail rehearsing over and over again in my head what i'm going to say upon delivering said mail. of course, i already knew their names and what they looked like so i was scheming and racking my brains over something clever i could offer during introductions. well, there is no chance of them ever reading this so i'll let you in on their names since this is important to my clever quip i had chambered. their names were amber and ashley with the former having strawberry blondish hair and the latter with dark brown hair. can you see where i'm going with this??? my genius line, upon introductions, was to make the observation that their names and hair colours should be reversed since ashley has amber coloured hair and amber had ashy coloured hair. where else but http://www.badumblog.bogspot.com/ can you get this kind of candid, unadulterated insight into one of the internets' great minds?

so here i am, mail in hand and at the door. i ring the bell and one of the moderately attractive neighbour chicks answers (i think it was ashley), i introduce myself as the new neighbour, she introduces herself and calls amber to the door to meet me as well. we all exchanged pleasantries where i proceeded to metaphorically piss all over myself with nary a quip, nary anything except for me looking at the ground, mumbling my name and giving them a requisite "nice to meet you." of course, i now realize that it's best i didn't go with the hair/name line but, at the time, i had it chambered and ready to go and i still could've said something, right? of course, since i'm a neurotic head case, i never bounced back from this initial meeting and proceeded to just leave their mail under their door matt and continued to give muted "hellos" during our chance meetings in the halls. of course, me retreating to turtle shell mode was completely irrational and a total overreaction to nothing but i just couldn't stomach having anything more than a two minute conversation with the moderately attractive neighbour chicks. it just wasn't worth the aggravation and self-loathing. then again, they didn't show much of an interest in anything more than a two minute conversation either so it probably wouldn't have progressed any further anyway, right? but still...

so, yada, yada, yada they moved out a couple of months later and that was that. why is this relevant; other than having to fill blog space in a daily blog? because we just had some neighbours move out and, over the excitement of getting new neighbours, i was reminded of what not to do if we got another duo of hot, neighbour chicks. actually, i hope we don't. i know it sounds ridiculous but my mind just races and can't help but put all these ridiculous expectations and scenarios in play. does everyone's mind work like this or am i just the only one dumb enough to blog it? i don't know what i expected... i didn't have to get to second base with them or anything but we were of the same age and everything so we could've at least been friends, right? and then, they could meet my friends, i could meet their friends and we'd all have more friends by proxy. a very underreported part of graduating college is just how you took for granted that 90% of your friends have always come from school and now you're leaving that fertile crescent of social fertility behind. and, to be honest, i really haven't figured out how to make friends in a post-college world. i mean, i've made a few good friends through work but it's just not as easy. anyway, back to getting new neighbours, it would be nice if they were some guys or girls of similar age so their could be potential for friendship but i just know that it'll probably just be some loud armenian family who will stink up the halls with their potent food. you ever notice that? i think you can tell how long minorities have been in america by how much their food permeates the surrounding areas. the more pungent, the more fobish... just sayin.'

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: daily blogging = quantity over quality.


John said...

Me, wife, and baby have been sick for past 4 days. I've been dead to the outside world, and consequently, Ba Dum Blog!

This was another classic post. I can picture you rehearsing your lines before you never used them.

I think it's time you related the night in which you left your phone number in your bowling shoes to try and pick up on the shoe rental chick. That was pure genius!

ba dum BLOGger said...

i believe the note said soemthing to the effect of "u r my 'sole' mate."