Tuesday, September 2, 2008

bilf: blogger i'd like to friend

how did doc and marty even know each other, let alone become such bffs? seriously, i find the fact that a teenaged, guitar strummin,' skate boardin' big man on campus with a fly ass koochie of a gf hanging out with a sixty-year-old lunatic, mad scientist waaaay less plausible than a delorean that travels through time. i could understand if marty was into science or was an angsty nerd who didn't fit in but none of this applies. maybe marty was just using doc for his giant guitar speaker (amp?). i'm not suggesting that there was anything untoward in regards to their relationship either. not only because there is nothing that alludes to this but homoerotic humour is the lazy blogger's way out. it's not like marty just stumbled upon doc either, all evidence points toward a deep seated and well developed friendship. heck, even strickland knows about it! not only does marty waltz right into doc's bachelor lab first thing in the morning but also agrees to meet him at a mall parking lot in the middle of the night for a "science experiment;" nary a question asked nor an adolescent eye roll. hey, what they have is awesome but curious nonetheless. the only other relationship i can think of that draws similar parallels is the friendship betwixt yogi bear and boo boo. although, it's unclear how old boo boo really is, boo boo does make it abundantly clear to yogi that "ranger smith isn't going to like this..."

why do i often see seagulls beak deep in dumpsters and/or frequenting landfills eating trash? is this a global warming thing? as in: the water is too warm and killing all the fish so seagulls now have to dumpster/dump dive? or, simply stated, do seagulls like trash? now, i'm sure it's not "trash trash" like styrofoam or tin cans that they're eating but leftover and spoiled food from restaurants and homes. but why? if there are plenty of fish in the sea, as my mom is wont to tell me, then why don't they just have fish? this would be like a denny's that served the homeless for free only for the bums to eschew the "sausage lover's slam" in lieu of wormy, half-eaten meat loaf. i mean, c'mon! seagulls have the whole ocean at their disposal - it's literally an all you can eat, free seafood buffet. nevertheless, seagulls would rather fly inland, away from the aesthetically pleasing landscapes of the beach, to inner city dumpsters. this is beyond dumb and goes against all we know of nature and instinct. from this point forward, i want seagulls to be the animal we think of when we allude to pathetic, moronic and squalid tendencies. dumb as an ox? no. filthy as a pig? no. loony as a loon? no. mad as wet hen? no. lame as a gull? ehhh, still "no" but i can't think of anything cleverer. can you???

now, you may not believe me nor want to read on but i've never been a big fan of porno movies. sure, i occasionally dabble and, upon doing so, diddle but dave duchovny i am not. i just find the whole production incredibly discouraging. maybe that's because i don't quite get the point of porn and see it more as a medium to entertain, watch with friends and giggle at rather than titillate with shades drawn, candles lit and rose petals splayed. this isn't a homophobic thing either but i just have a tough time stomaching these punctual and accurate rolls of cookie dough of which are being bandied about with reckless abandon. then, once i stop guffawing at all the sex sounds and dotting of eyes, i'm left with wad chambered and my confidence shot. it's one thing to watch cagers dunk and footballers punt but to see skinny, 5'6" repairmen and cable guys of caucasion descent kabob women, and men, with the stamina, agility and power of world class athletes really makes one take a long look in the mirror and decide "nah, i think i'll just stay in tonight and have a lean cuisine." it also makes me feel like i wasted four-and-a-half years of my life getting my degree because apparently all it takes to bed a lascivious housewife is a wrench, coveralls and the ability to arrive between 9 and 6 pm. again, i'm not a porno movie connoisseur so maybe this genre already exists but how about a series of films called "tiny peckers and double deckers" or "lil' dicks and huge tits"? see, porn is made by men, for men so why are we exaggerating the national average? shouldn't we be rounding down as to fool women into thinking three or four inches is the average? why raise the bar to this ridiculous point where, when girls do stumble upon porn, they say to themselves "oh." it just seems counter intuitive.

this is officially the year of the milf. no, not cougars... milfs. between cindy mccain, michelle o'bama and sarah palin there has nary been an election so rife with hot, sexiness than in '08. where can i get a bumper sticker that says "mccain, o'bama and palin: 'bate in '08. you really have quite the variety too. first there's cindy mccain who is the platinum blonde, ex-cheerleader and beer heir. then we have michelle o'bama with her long legs, silky smooth, ebony skin and not afraid to mix it up-ness - she's got chutzpah! and lastly, there's my favorite; sarah palin - ooh, la and la! i cannot disagree more with her gun totin,' bible thumpin,' moose burger ways but she is just pure sex bomb and i can't wait to light her fuse. seriously, she just pops on screen and i cannot stop google imaging her. what is it though? is it the whole sexy librarian thing with the common stereotype that behind all her fuddy duddines there's just a freak, waiting to govern. she really is just like her home state of alaska: pure as driven snow and begging to get drilled. not to mention, we now learn that her dilf of a daughter will soon also be a milf in a couple of few with mama sarah about to take the mantle of gilf. it's pure kismet. and really, i can't wait till every late night show makes some sort of juneau/juno joke at poor little bristol palin's expense. just know, you read it here first at www.badumblog.blogspot.com (unless you read it here tomorrow morning or not at all).

ba dum BLOG!!!

2 comments:

roschelle said...

Lies, lies, and hyprocrisy! This woman has become more popular in less than a week than Obama and McCain. What does that say about the American People?...wow...

John said...

Do you own Yiddish word-a-day calendar? You sound like my grandmother.