Monday, September 8, 2008

top 11 people i wouldn't carpool with

when you're as insecure as i am you need to constantly be thinking of funny and clever ways to bash the people who see the world differently than you or else you'll go crazy and be enveloped by your own self-awareness, anger and hyper-vigilance. and, in this case, i've blogged an innocuous enough blog about the "people i wouldn't carpool with" rather than "the people i wouldn't jump in and save if their car drove into a swimming pool." does this make me a bad person? not necessarily, but only because sticks and stones may break your bones but blogs will never hurt you (thank you, pee-wee herman).

11. live strongers: this fad isn't as rampant as it was maybe four years ago but this fact makes it even more confounding since you'll often still find many o' douche nozzle still sportin' this yellow accoutrement of cliche. yeah, yeah i know it's for charity but charity shouldn't be loud, literally or metaphorically. what happened to the quiet dignity of surreptitiously supporting a cause? and, must every good deed be masked with a confluence of fashion and trendiness? see, when people reference "ugly americans" this is what they're talking about. oh, and never make the mistake of asking said braceleteer why they wear it and what it means to them. then again, i really do like pantomiming tiny violins and humming their melodic, melancholic tunes.

10. hair club for men president/members: rogaine or pills are fine (that's what i use for my non-genetically induced baldness) but this is the exemplification of the proverbial elephant in the room: everyone knows while none admits or inquires. it really is impossible to converse with this person while not staring at or completely preoccupying yourself with their artificial foliage. see, pills or rogaine is different because you're merely just reactivating previously dormant follicles but when you actually break scalp to plant alien seed is when vanity overtakes sensibility. plus, just like any cosmetic procedure, it creates an unfair and unsafe bar for everyone else. dental cases aside, anyone who breaks skin or draws blood for aesthetics needs hug therapy.

9. straight edgers: ugh, principles for principle's sake make me wanna' puke. why would you deny all the great vices life has to offer for no other reason than to be annoying. yeah, how about this? while you're abstaining from alcohol, recreational drugs, meat, casual sex, leather, tobacco, caffeine and macintosh computers why don't you instead abstain from being annoying or, at the very least, abstaining from stuff. i could understand when religious people follow their silly rules because if i was dumb enough to believe i'd burn in hell after having a quarter pounder during lent i'd be freaked out to know ends, as well. but, as far as i can see it, straight edgers have no reasonable nor unreasonable reasons for why they do/don't as they do/don't. hey, weirdos! how about you abstain from tattoos, aggressive piercings, emo screamo girl jeans and weird music while you're at it?

8. jersey wearers: look, i'll admit that i'll rock my frank gore, 49er jersey from time to time but when i'm at my local watering hole watching my beloved team of the 80s or at any other real sporting event there is no doubt in my mind that i'm a better person than 99% of these jersey wearing mongoloids. whether it be intellectually, fanwise, hygienically, fitnesswise or lookswise i'm just a better person... and blogger. sports fans are just plain dumb; they're irrational, loud, macho oafs who take their teams' good fortunes, put them into the meat head machine wherein these fortunes are converted into this neandertalesque thing called "bragging rights." and, please note, i'll admit that i'm as big a sports fan as there is: i read, listen, watch, fantasize (play fantasy sports) and gamble more on sports than i or you do anything else (yes, even more than solitaire). am i an "elitist sportsfan?" well, if "elitist sportsfan" means the same thing as "elitist media" (ahem... educated... ahem) than the answer is a resounding "hell yeah, duuuude!"

7. meditators: sure, why read a blog, watch tv, go to the gym or enjoy a cheesy beefy melt from taco bell when you can sit in absolute silence and literally rot in a prolonged state of ennui all while knowledge, acts of fitness and general indulgences pass you by all in the name of "emptying your mind." really, i just don't get the draw. i can see taking a nap if you're tired, getting drunk or high if you're stressed or playing solitaire if you need to blow off some steam but how can you literally shut your eyes and brain just in the name of sitting? if you need twenty minutes to give your brain a break then you might as well watch "the hills." at least then you'll have something to talk about with that marginally cute chick at work. just remember, schiavo and her shenanigans got old real fast and i say we pick/pull the plug on these low hanging fruits/vegetables as well. (schiavo humour = timely)

6. purity ringers: this has become more prevalent and relevant through all things "the brothers jonai." however, i don't see this as a sign of their chastity, relationship with god or general wholesomeness but a clear and calculated barb to a certain blogger whose chastity is by circumstance and not choice. how dare the "brother jonai" throw this in my and my readers' faces (i assume most my readers are in the same dry boat) all whilst one is dating taylor swift, the other is dating selena gomez, this same one has dated miley cyrus all while the other one is twenty-two-years-old and has access to and actually knows what to do with all this pre/post-pubescent 'tang being flung his way. this would be like me wearing a cyber "no blogging ring" all while chilling in chat rooms and spinning off one interesting quip after the other without letting them reside and foster in the perpetuity that is

5. faux hawkers: this has less to do with the faux hawk itself than it does for what the faux hawk represents: confidence. yes, with hairdos as silly and trendy as the faux hawk it really takes someone who is comfortable in their own skin to wantonly rock this look. and, ironically enough, nothing makes this blogger less comfortable in my own skin than someone who is comfortable in theirs. it just shows how arbitrary and subjective fashion and trends are; if the right person rocked it, a literal "ass hat" could become en vogue. i just couldn't walk around in that thing (ass hat) without prefacing every move i make with a "look, i know this is a silly look but this is just my superficial attempt at fitting in at the behest of everything that i know is good all for the simple reason that i am making my presence and confidence known." i'm sure this is EXACTLY what comes to mind to everybody within blogshot when seeing faux hawks... or ass hats.

4. youth ministers: sure i could wax witty on one religious fuddy duddy after the other but that would be like beating a jewish carpenter. and, no one wants to see that other than mel gibson and fans of the stations of the cross. that's never made sense to me; that'd be like joe theisman's mother watching the l.t. hit over and over again. but i digress... youth ministers are just flat out creepy. they try to put a hip and contemporary spin on jesus and his merry bunch all while serving pizza and playing catchy songs about turning water to wine on their acoustic guitar. meanwhile, the only reason why youth ministers are youth ministers and youth groupers are youth groupers is for the sole purpose of using the guise of loving jesus to perv out on all the jesus chicks. embarrassingly enough i speak from experience and i can tell you as an awkwardly perverted/confused youth grouper i could never parlay my false fervency into any play. meanwhile, since my youth group past, there has been a case of a paraplegic youth minister making time with a wide eyed, jesus lovin' high school sophomore - don't hate tha playa,' hate tha game.

i just don't like people who look, smell and/or are treated differently/worse than me. i find it aesthetically unpleasing, oflactorily disagreeable and ultimately leaves me riddled with white ma
n guilt. seriously though, with my normal conversational repertoire, i just find it exhausting to feel these people out to the point where i know what i can or cannot not say without offending and getting called a "racist." and, i will contend, that in september, 2008 it is MUCH worse, as a white blogger, to be called a "racist" than for a brotha' to be called the "n-word." heck, we don't even get to threaten and/or give a "justified" ass kicking to the person who deemed us a racist. i'm just sayin'...

2. people affected by 9/11 (whether it be personally or through the commutative property): look, i agree that 9/11 was horrible and, while it still hasn't sunk in or resonated with me (yes, i find "faux hawks" more vexing and objectionable than 9/11) i just can't help but be annoyed when people wax sad on this tragedy. is it because i foster some sort of repressed sadness from it all and envy the people who have an emotional connection to 9/11, am i simply guilty for not having these feelings or am i just uncomfortable with any topic that i can't find a way to make people laugh about it? sure, of course i can make it funny but making people also find the humour in it is another thing altogether. while these introspective questions are unclear to me, my annoyance with the topic of 9/11 is. instead of "9/11: never forget" how about "knock, knock. who's there? 9/11... 9/11 who? thought you said you'd never forget" or "this thursday? sure, i'd love to do dollar taco night!"

1. bloggers: we are pretty much blowhard (bloghard?), narcissists who insist on telling you how we feel even though we have no qualifications, were never asked our opinions nor would we ever be gainfully employed for anything related to writing or bestowing the public with our thoughts. we are basically yelling into an empty well, with no echo, all while videotaping it and posting it on the youtbe. also, i find it very awkward since many of my real life conversations echo my blog and vice versa and thus find myself unsure of whether i should reference my blog in these convos because i don't know who has or hasn't read my blog nor do i want to be that jerk who references my blog but also want to add some sort of self-aware irony to the precedings in case they have read the blog and find it redundant that i am doubling up on my words (if anyone has ever wanted a glimpse into the fragile and muddled mind of a neurotic, self-loathing narcissist this is it).

ba dum BLOG!!!


Anonymous said...

#4 haa haa

Blog Queen said...

you're funny

John said...

Well you've alienated me. My straight edge tattoo started tingling when I read that. Good thing I shut it up with some beer.

lee said...

#1 sounds like a converstaion i've had with you a hundred times.

brightstarr said...

LOL!!!! #4 is pretty funny. Oh, and I'm rocking a faux hawk right now. Sorry, lol.