Thursday, August 21, 2008

the top 11 greatest mtv shows of all-time

this is an ode, a love blog, a "blode" to the greatest television station to not show copious amounts of gratuitous nudity. however, its utilization of teenagers and the sex they may or may not be having is enough to make me want to pull the proverbial plug if i ever decide i'm too old for the mtv. this "blode" will also serve to discount all those hipster pussies with their complicated shoes who whine about there not being any music videos on the mtv anymore. this talk is a bunch of applesauce and hooey because if people wanted music videos on their mtv, there would be music videos on the mtv. simple as that.

11. toge+her: fun with analogies! the monkees are to the beetles as 2ge+her is to n*sync. really though, this show was gr8! actually, i think it started as a made for tv moving picture and then turned into a short lived series. it had great songs with lyrics like "i know my calculus; it says u + me = us" and "say it don't spray it. i want the news, not the weather." plus, one of the band members, q.t., had a terminal illness in the show and the actor playing him ended up dying of a terminal illness in real life! how cool is that? (thank you bill walton) and, it also starred chris farley's less fat, less funny but balder brother.

10. my super sweet sixteen: ooh la and la! yes, this show is as super hot as it sounds. although, the participants weren't always as hot as they should be. but that was countered by the fact that the super sixteeners were foxy fifteeners for at least three quarters of the show and fifteen > sixteen. sure, it's formulaic: rich girl cries and rich girl gets car but there is just something about these spoiled, dumpy, not-as-attractive-as-they-should-be fifteen/sixteeners that is thrilling!

9. loveline: this is the show that introduced me to my radio bff, adam carolla, who i've been listening to for four hours every morning since i moved to los angeles. anyway, between the ace man's nasaly sarcasm and dr. drew's moribund, medical jargon i learned about such things as the "behymen" and that "squirting" is not a myth in the vein of sasquatch or the chupacabra. plus, this show ran immediately after the yet-to-be-mentioned "undressed" and i challenge any ripe teenage boy to sit through both shows without nearly passing out from loss of blood.

made: this is one of the mtv's few inspirational, feel good shows. plus, it often includes high schoolers where, i not only find a great deal of the chicks hot but also identify more with the pimply faced, awkward boys than i do with my own male contemporaries. although, i find the episodes with the morbidly obese girls who often have leno-esque jawlines almost unbearably depressing because ugly girls really have no chance in life. NONE! on the other side, when that hot cheerleader chick finally learns how motocross there is NOTHING more satisfying.

7. true life: this is one of the mtv's few informative, educational shows: mtv docs, yo! whether it's "true life: i'm poor," "true life: i'm addicted to crystal meth," or "true life: my dad has the gout" there really is no limit to the intriguing variety of it all. also, much like "made," it features normal looking people that even i'm better looking than and it's hard to find that on television; especially the mtv. though, my favorite episode is "true life: i'm on the jersey shore" because it included the most stereotypical, jersey guido loser of all time and he made me feel good about myself.

6. fat camp: this was a one-shot deal - a two-hour special where they only showed this show for like one weekend but replayed it thirty two times during that weekend of which i watched twenty eight of them. it was a documentary style show about fat teenagers at a fat camp (duh). not only did the show chronicle the young campers' struggles and/or triumphs with weight loss but it also included young romance and heartbreak. but, most importantly, it introduced america to the lovely little creature that is dianne. whether she's singing "sweet home alabama," walking around her cabin naked, or falling and crying she was literally impossible to take your eyes off of. seriously though, i'm not making fun; she really is neat and one of my friends on the 'space.

5. undressed: woah baby! this was the hottest show of the mtv's many hot shows. it was a soap opera type program with story lines lasting varying lengths of episodes where there were three separate plotlines at a time which included teenagers, college kids and young adults. as a high schooler, my favourite part of the show was the fact that all the college stories included coed, dormroom restrooms where, one way or another, there was a lot of implied female nudity and/or sexual activities. as a high school virgin who had never seen a bare breast for reals, this was very appealing to me and i could not wait to get to college. unfortunately, i wasn't smart enough to get into college nor was i cool enough to ever see a bare breast for reals until i was twenty-three-and-a-half.

4. real world/road rules/challenges: with apologies to an "american family" and lance loud, "the real world" is the seminal reality television show that begat all shows of its ilk. who knew that throwing a bunch of narcissistic, good looking, alcoholic, slutty, intellectual midgets would be the unquestioned, unparalleled formula for success? sure, that's not how it started but that's where it is and where it's best. and now, we have the "real world/road rules challenges" which pit former cast members, who cannot move past their fifteen minutes of fame, against each other in physical challenges. the star of these challenges is c.t., a douchebag from boston who is yet to meet his much overdue comeuppance. we are all awaiting when one of the many large and angry cast members of colour give c.t. his and theirs. by the way, i'll say it: i hated pedro. he was so pretentious and sanctimoniously highfalutin about his aids...YUCK!

3. jackass: this show was genius in its simple shenaniganry. who woulda' thunk it: a bunch of coked out, drunk skateboarding/aspiring actor losers videotaping their various testosterone fueled stunts would be so entertaining and gratifying? face it, dudes love watching their friends and strangers engage in varying degrees of amazing/silly/dangerous/painful stunts and the worse the outcome, the harder we laugh. where chicks don't get it, it couldn't be any clearer to guys. but, most importantly, we learned that it is possible to run and make a b.m., albeit loose and sloppy, at the same time.

2. laguna beach/the hills: vacuous conversation + hot rich chicks + hot rich dudes + no worries + the beach + hollywood + fancy cameras + not one fatty in any scene (except for the chubby mormon girl in "lb: season1" who quickly received the stretch cunningham treatment) = neat. "the hills" is a bona fide cultural phenomenon of which spans the halls of junior highs, to the bleachers of high school, to the dormitories of college, to the water coolers of offices, to the places where old persons hang out and talk about "the hills." however, "lb: season 1" with the l.c./kristin/stephen love triangle and the drama that followed will never be surpassed. i don't care how much silicone audrina stuffs into her chest or how many different ways spencer redefines douchebaggery; some remnant of "lb: season 1" belongs in the smithsonian alongside archie bunker's recliner. however, "lb: newport harbour" is often overlooked in this universe as the moment chrissy tells clay that she's a virgin and intends to continue to be so, all while in a hot tub, remains the hottest mtv moment of all time.

1. the tom green show: yes, "the tom green show." i am vexed to no ends that the mtv refuses to re-air this show or release it on dvd. all i have to feed my tom green fix are grainy youtube videos. people, like you, are quick to marginalize tom green's comedic prowess because of his less than stellar cinematic turns in "freddie got fingered" and "road trip." but his eponymously titled show with its origins in canadian public access gave us gonzo comedy in its rawest and best form since the likes of andy kauffman and opened the door for such performers as sacha baron cohen and ashton kutcher (ak: lolzzz?). tom green painted his parent's house plaid for crying out lout...PLAID!!! he had a whole episode hanging out with monica lewinsky and was so funny and obnoxious he was threatened with physical violence in nearly every episode. and, one cannot forget, his doughy sidekicks glenn humplik and phil giroux. for that year-and-a-half to two-year period on the mtv, there was no funnier human being on the planet than tom green. did his humour have staying power? no. was he talented enough to parlay his modicum of success into an actual career? no. but a falling star shines the brightest and the loudest laughter echoes the longest... i have no idea what i'm blogging aboot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ba dum BLOGger and i came to blows over the inclusion/omission of "oddville." i won.


Colin said...

No Beavis and Butthead? For shame.

ba dum BLOGger said...

nah, much like with "saved by the bell," there was no age where i was dumb enough to sit through that crap and be entertained.

Blog Queen said...

Real World and Made...yes I love. that sweet sixteen makes me wanna slap the sh%# out of 3 people - the mom, the dad, and the honoree!!!

kingawesome said...

where is the state?