Sunday, June 22, 2008


smoking looks cool - it just does. i'm not being sarcastic either. i know it's unhealthy and gross but you can't deny the hipness of leaning up against your car (especially a 2003 malibu), casually taking a drag, making that squinty smokers face and exhaling a silky plume of white smoke. i remember i tried smoking once. i was nineteen, in college and feeling adventurous - watch out world! i didn't even know how to hold the darn thing or what end to light - i still don't. heck, i think i even had to have someone light it for me. is this normal or are these things that people just naturally know? this is the same reason why i never really took to the marijuana; i was tired of being the guy in the circle who fumbled around with the pipe and didn't have the coordination to light it without getting third degree burns on my thumb. anyway, back to the cigarette; i took one hit and thought i'd die. for the next 45 minutes my chest was on fire and i had this deep gurgly cough that was so intense i saw stars after every heavin’, hackin’, hork of phlegm. now, i'd assume that this is similar to everyone’s first experience with the cigarettes, right? if so, how does one push past this, how could anyone possibly become a smoker after such an unpleasant experience? are people's need to be "cool" and fit in this intense or am i just that big of a dork? people would not be smoking if smoking looked like rollerblading.

what do ty cobb and charlize theron have in common??? lets break it down - ty cobb: born in 1886, dead, hall of fame baseball player, racist, nicknamed the "georgia peach," early stock holder in the coca-cola company. charlize theron: born in 1975, alive, south afrikaan, oscar winner, naked in playboy, has shown boobs, bush and breast in film and on my laptop and desktop computer. now, these two seem as far apart as can be, right? what could bond these two? what topic could these two wax poetic on into the wee hours over a few drinks and some appetizers (preferably cape cods, sea breezes, mozzarella sticks and jalapeƱo poppers)? any guesses? is there a way to properly and actively guess on a blog when i'm going to give you the answer in a few lines? well, aside from neither of them ever being in my kitchen, both ty cobb's and charlize theron's fathers were shot to death by their mothers. ty cobb's father suspected his wife of infidelity and he once took to snooping around the house trying to catch her in the act when mrs. cobb mistook him for an intruder and shot him down. while mrs. theron shot her drunk and abusive husband in self-defense. neat!

dag nabbit!!! i just hit the infernal, good for nuthin', rackin' frackin' insert key... again!!! i just typed over a whole blog because i only type with one finger so i have to keep my eyes glued to the keyboard at all times. aside from magically transforming me into yosemite sam, what is it for? why wouldn't you just move the cursor to the beginning of your text and simply delete what you don't want? i remember the first time i hit the insert key i was in the middle of penning a literary essay about d.h. lawrence and his use of "horses" and had no clue what had happened and almost threw my parents computer through the window. does anyone actually use this button for good or is it always a wrench in your proverbial gears, a hitch in your proverbial giddy-up, a stick in your proverbial spokes, a spanner in your proverbial works and/or a pea beneath your proverbial mattress? either way, because of the insert key, you've all been deprived of a scintillating blog breaking down the differences betwixt "bluto/brutus" and "muttley/mumbly."

in lieu of regaling you with stories of girls not liking me, not knowing how to hold a cigarette and my non-genetically induced balding i'm going to blow my own oboe… for once. if anyone remembers back a few weeks there was a sad story about a boy scout troop getting killed by a tornado. once i heard this i had a late night talk show, monologue worthy joke to tell. now, i've already told this to a half-dozen people to mostly blank stares and faces ranging from disgust to consternation but i think it's f'n genius. okay, here we go: what were the last words of the boy scouts killed by the tornado??? WEBELOS!!!! get it???? "we blows!!!" see, "webelos" is an acronym for some sort of cub scout rank or badge meaning "we be loyal scouts." couldn't you see and hear david letterman or spike feresten telling this joke? i am a great talent and see a great future for me and my blog!

ba dum BLOG!!!


kelly said...

i love it

Colin said...

I was a Webelos when I was a lad. And yes, it did blow. I didn't learn a damn thing about being loyal or being a scout. All I learned was how to dick around with a bunch of guys for an hour a week and be awkward towards girls. Surprisingly, wearing your scout uniform and showing off your knot tying badge does not get the womens to like you.

Krista said...

I just bought a snazzy pair of rollerblades the other week. And even though I haven't bladed since '94 I would say I am the epitome of grace on them.

I'm totally lying. My friend rides her bike along side me just to laugh.