Wednesday, June 11, 2008

blogging for dummies

my newest man crush, former nba coach and espn/abc's current lead tv analyst, jeff van gundy, made an excellent point during last nights basketball game. he, a bald man, queried why he has to pay full price for a haircut when he has half the hair and it takes half the time. i've never heard this brilliant point made before - 90% of comedians are bald; how could this have slipped past them? now, all i know is supercuts and places of the ilk and they'll have the price breakdown like a menu at a deli: haircut $15, haircut and shampoo $20, dye job $25, etc. why not "bald man haircut $8?" it's only fair; all the "style technician" has to do is around the ears, the neck and a few stray scalpies. you know what, as a balding man myself, i'd venture to say that balding men, on average, spend more money on hair products/procedures than non balding men anyway. the least society could do for us is give us a half priced haircut once we've given up the good fight. oh, and in case you're wondering, i refuse to ever go with the cool dude, completely shaved look; i'm rockin' the "cul-de-sac" like my heroes larry david, george costanza and, the aforementioned, jeff van gundy.

i was at el quizno's the other day and ordered a tuna sandwich on white but received a tuna sandwich on wheat. of course i didn't say anything because my poor self-esteem precludes me from standing up for myself, but it suddenly occurred to me why this happened. now, my initial thought was to blame it on the illegal alien (our country's great bugaboo) who took my order and made my sandwich but i think it has more to do with the phonetic similarities betwixt "white" and "wheat." i'm really surprised this doesn't happen more often as the din and chaos of a crowded deli doesn't exactly lend itself phonetic nuance. i say we nix the "white/wheat" and go with "white/brown." problem solved. this also reminds me of the whole "north/south," "east/west" debacle on freeway signs. when you're driving, don't know where you are and are especially looking for the freeway signs i find it difficult to distinguish between the directions when the words are visually, almost exactly the same. why not just use a giant "n," "s," "e," "w" in lieu of spelling out the whole word? i am a great thinker.

ventriloquism acts usually aren't very funny. but i think i have a genius idea for a ventriloquist act that wouldn't even require you to be a ventriloquist. okay, so you have your ventriloquist dummy but you, the person, sit on his lap and glue his hand to your rectum and play off that you're the dummy and he's the man. you wouldn't even have to throw your voice and you could move the dummy's mouth as you talk and make fun of him for being a crappy ventriloquist. you, the person, can be the funny, perverted puppet making sawdust jokes while the dummy would have to be the straight, boring guy - no more being upstaged by a wooden puppet! plus, visually, it'd be really, really funny to see a grown man sitting on a dummy's lap. you, the person, would get to have the cool, flashy name like "mr. muffin" and the dummy would get a lame, nondescript name like "don." there really is no downside to this. i'm gonna' do it, get really famous, bang a bunch of hos and then write a book called "ventriloquism for dummies."

remember back in little league when you'd be standing in the batter's box all knock kneed and scared to death of everything all while your coach would be yelling things like "good eye!" or "wait for your pitch!" as you just stand their with your bat on your shoulder because the idea of swinging is even more terrifying than getting beaned or hit in the groin? did your coach seriously think you were some brett butler-esque, disciplined hitter or did he know if you swung you would just strike out and a walk was your best chance? because, you know what? i seriously bought into it and felt like "hey, look at me. i know what i'm doing up here. i'm being selective. i'm gonna' walk!" either way, if i'm ever a little league coach i'm going to be screaming "SWING!!!, SWING THE BAT YOU PUSSY!!!!! SWING!!!!!!!" and just show them videotapes of vladimir guerrero swinging at balls bouncing off the dirt. see, i think there are two types of men in life and it's decided when you're twelve-years-old: you either swing or keep your bat on your shoulder. and, as i sit here in my cubicle at my remedial, entry-level job with colleagues in their 30s and 40s who are clearly my intellectual inferiors i think it's clear where i stand...

ba dum BLOG!!!

1 comment:

Colin said...

Mr. Ba Dum Blogger, I normally find myself agreeing with your life philosophies, however today I find myself in a bit of a pickle as I contemplate your baseball anaolgy to life. You see, when I was a lad I to took part in the childhood requirment that is little league. I wasn't one of the kids like you who didn't swing though. In classic Barry Bonds style I swung for the fences every time. Unfotunetly, I was not blessed with much (i.e. any) athletic skill so I would find myself again and again making the walk of shame back to the dugout. This life lesson got me to the same place you're at: a desk in the middle of a cubicle maze surrounded by people 10 years my senior. This has recently led me to the understanding that there is really only one way to succeed in life: cheat. Polititions do it. Athletes do it. Big Businessmen (excuse me, businesspeople) do it. I consider myself an honest guy so the thought of lying and cheating my way to the top has never really appealed to me but aparently, it's the American way. I wouldn't want to be un-American would I? That would make me a terrorist!