Wednesday, June 4, 2008

ghost blog

when i die i wanna' be a ghost. now, i know that there are varying ghost rules out there but, for the sake of this blog, i'll be the kind that's invisible, can go through walls and fly really fast. so, how would i spend my time as a ghost? would i travel to far off lands, sit in on the president's cabinet meetings, attend all the greatest sporting events with on field/court seats??? nope! i'd basically just float into hot chicks' bedrooms and/or bathrooms and look at them in various states of undress. yup, i'd be a big old, pervert ghost. i'd spend the first few years checking out all the girls i've ever known in the history of my life and then, once i'm done with that, i'd just hang out at various high school... ahem, college campuses and follow hot chicks back to their dorm rooms. i'm not even joking either, i'm dead serious about this. if i were to meet st. peter at the pearly gates of heaven i'd simply say "no thanks, can you make me a ghost, please?" and, i'll tell you one thing; i most definitely will not be spending my afterlife helping my kids take out the trash a la bill cosby in "ghost dad."

has anyone ever noticed that like 97% of comedy clubs have the brick wall motif serving as the backdrop for the stage? what is this? why is this? are they trying to simulate an urban, man on the street kind of thing where these comedians are just crackin' wise in some alley or out back of some burnt out bingo hall? or, have they done scientific tests on this where it's proven that brick walls elicit laughter and/or make people want to buy alcoholic beverages. are these actual real brick walls or are they just hollywood set type prop walls? would it be blindingly genius or deafeningly retarded if a comedian were to actually make this observation funny and do a bit on it? this is going nowhere...

we need to revisit such misnomers as "internet stalking," "date rape," and "partial abortion." excuse me while i put on my misogynistic, insensitive viking helmet. first off, you don't "stalk" on the internets. you peruse on the internets. this is like the difference betwixt window shopping and shoplifting. you can't "stalk" if you're sitting in your bedroom, safely behind the glow of your monitor. secondly, "date rape" isn't "rape"...most of the time. it's just a miscommunication of sorts. i've had three and a half sexual experiences in my life (one of those was on the internets) and it's never gone through without a fair amount of cajoling and elbow grease on my part. seriously, the lady is never fully on board; it's just a matter of whether she regrets it or not. it's "date regret." lastly, there's been all this talk of "partial abortions" because of barrack o'bama (who is our nation's first "half white" major party nominee not the first "black" nominee, thank you). how can you partially abort? are you just lopping off an arm or a leg? abortions seem like an all or nothing enterprise.

ba dum BLOG!!!

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