Wednesday, June 4, 2008

ugly, filthy, loser blogger

all this gay marriage ballyhoo is seriously turning me into "crazy, radical political guy." i swear, i'm this close to buying a bumper sticker. see, i feel that war, gas prices, the environment, the economy, etc. all take a back seat (pun INTENDED) to gay marriage. excuse me while i get serious here for a second and blowharder than i ever have blown in a blog before. okay, the way i see it, the easiest and most important thing in the world and in your life is to treat people nice and fairly based on the golden rule (yay, apatheists for jesus!), basic common sense and human empathy. on a local, national and global level, human rights should trump all. i will not tolerate or accept those who "tolerate," "accept," or apathetically say "i don't care about gay marriage." no!!! you will care!!! i've heard every excuse in the book against gay marriage from religious and economical to the inane slippery slope (pun INTENDED?) of bestiality and polygamy. i don't care if marriage is defined as being betwixt "a man and a woman" either. if a freak show like michael jackson can make "bad" "good" then i think we can tweak the definition of gay marriage. ugh, i'm such a fruit fly.

are you as pathetic and delusional as i am? and, if you are reading my blog than the answer is "YES!" but, every time i hear of a celebrity couple breaking up i immediately get this fleeting, but very real, feeling of opportunistic optimism like "hey, i've got a chance, now." i'll watch movies, tv shows and visit websites like and legitimately feel the only thing separating me from dating a natalie portman or an amy winehouse is the fact that they're either in a relationship or that we've merely just never met - simple as that. granted, i can't even get the frumpy girl at the grocery store or the third homeliest girl in a group of four at a dive bar but if mary kate olsen ever breaks up with her millionaire greek, shipping heir bf and we happen to bump into each other at the pinkberry then it's go time. am i right though? do all guys think like this or is it just me?

with the fact that i live in la and that the lakers are on the cusp of winning yet another championship (sorry, the celtics have no shot) i feel compelled to go hard-core sports on you and scientifically explain to you why i and you should hate the lakers. actually, scratch that...not the lakers themselves (except for kobe because he's a punk), but laker fans. if you are an actual, legitimate sports fan you understand and realize that once you are born as a fan of one team or choose your team when you first become aware of sports that this is your team for life and no matter how hard you try or how much you want it you can never switch allegiances. i've tried, it's impossible. see, what you have in la is a town of transplants. nobody is from la. everyone came here to get famous or get rich. this is a fact. see, i've met true basketball fans from all across the country and they are all conveniently laker fans all of a sudden. and, the only reason for this is because they're like the best basketball franchise ever and consistently have championship teams every decade. oh, it's so easy to forget your hawks, your cavs, your pacers when you move to la at the ripe age of 25, forget your true team and jump on the bandwagon. i guarantee that 60% of laker fans grew up a fan of another, crappier team. i bet they can't even explain why they're called the "lakers." it's just not fair. and yes, i am jealous. you can't just conveniently switch your team to the greatest team ever. you just can't. all these bandwaggoners are the same people who think fake boobies and a new nose make you pretty. underneath it all you're still an ugly, filthy, loser atlanta hawks fan.

ba dum BLOG!!!


Krista said...

I was born here and have loved the Lakers and Angels since i was an awkward youth. So there. You and Nick need to be nicer. And thank you for admitting the Lakers are going to win. You are welcome to come to the Laker parade with me but I will paint your face purple and gold.

ba dum BLOGger said...

congrats on being a part of the 40% :)