Wednesday, June 18, 2008

blog itch

have you ever seen the commercials for those new-fangled mattresses where you can drop a bowling ball on one side of the bed and it won’t topple over the glass of wine on the other? then, you hear the booming voiceover proudly proclaim "with technology developed by nasa!" wait, what? nasa??? can you imagine going through eight years at mit or stanford to finally get hired on at nasa and get relegated to mattress duty? i see it going down like this - there'd be a giant, goggled bald dude wearing a lab coat, holding a clipboard and doling out assignments...
begin scene.
"mr. chang, you get ufo's."
"yesssss! (fist pump)"
"mr. hop choi, you get light speed."
"yesssss! (fist pump)"
"and, let's see, mr. wolodarski, you get, ummmm, mattresses."
"mattresses again, wtf??? (foot stomp) why do all the asians get the cool shizz? i'd rather get tang than f'n mattresses...again! i know for a fact you can't even use a mattress in space! plus, without gravity, the bowling ball and wine would get all over the place. i'm a rocket scientist for crying out loud! i am the barometer at which all intelligence is measured!!! wait, is this because i'm polish???"
end scene.

omg, i hate golf. i gave into the hype this past weekend and actually watched tiger woods with his smug, little sour puss face and contrived red, power shirt for all but three minutes before i couldn't take it anymore and switched back to the "made" marathon on the mtv. the reverence people hold for this guy is ridiculous. can you believe people are talking about a golfer in the same breath as great sports figures like babe ruth and michael jordan? heck, tiger couldn't even hold luke walton's jock. look, golf is a sport but, in terms of actual athleticism, it probably ranks just above bowling and nascar and falls just short of cycling. all you need to do is watch charles barkley attempt to golf to realize that it requires a weird, specialized skill set that doesn't necessarily translate to agility, speed or strength (the true tenants of athleticism). i wish they still had "the wide world of sports" so i could see tiger embarrass himself trying to run the intermediate hurdles. another thing, how much better do you think golfer's scores could be if they could just roll out there in shorts and a t-shirt instead of slacks and a collared shirt? you know, it probably doesn't even matter. this just goes to show how lame a sport golf is if you don't even have to wear athletic wear to be at your best.

reason no. 352 of why it's better to be a guy than a girl: our rashes get decked out with masculine, macho names that connote studly behaviour like "athlete's foot" and "jock itch" while chicks get domestic sounding names that evoke baking like "yeast infections" or, blatant names that don't even attempt at saving the poor lady any dignity like "vaginal itch." see, our maladies are from the result of being athletic and active - it's just collateral damage of being a weekend warrior. even our medical remedies are cool sounding like "gold bond medicated powder" or "BOOM! tough actin' tinactin." then, of course, the ladies have "vagisil." would you, as a guy, buy something called "weiner wash" or "dirty ding-a-ling?" hecks to the no! they also have "douche bags" which is an innocuous enough name - it's french, it's cultured, it's classy! yet, "douche bags" are now more synonymous with being a jerk or a rapist rather than a conduit and bastion of hygiene. in conclusion: womens and everything about womens is dirrrty.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: breaking news straight from the home office of - tiger is out for the season with more knee issues... :(

1 comment:

Colin said...

If I saw a commercial for Weiner Wash I would drop whatever I was doing and run out to the store to buy some immedietly. Then I would argue the price, forcing the cashier to get on the intercom and say "I need a price check on 'Weiner Wash'!" so the entire store can hear.