Monday, June 2, 2008

blogophobes

all these hypochondriacs/ germophobes are driving me crazy. i'll be at the gym, on my beloved elliptical machine, and you'll have these lunatics spraying disinfectant and wiping down the machinery for like ten minutes before indulging in the "burn." is sweat that gross? is there even germs in sweat? i don't think so. look at nba players; pat ewing will literally be sweating at a tsunamic rate all over anyone standing downstream from him and do you see his peers revolting in disgust or running off the court looking for kurt rambis to wipe them down? no, and cagers are like thoroughbreds; some of the healthiest people on the planet. then, at the workplace, you have all these nut jobs opening doors with paper towels, disinfecting themselves all day and using those tissue paper toilet covers. for one thing, i walk around work trying to get sick. i've missed a few days with the common cold and there is not one time, as i lay there in bed watching the entire third season of "curb your enthusiasm" or playing solitaire for the eight time, that i say to myself, "gee, i'd do anything to trade in this fever, sore throat, diarrhea, headache, etc. just to be sitting in my cubicle, wasting my life, shuffling papers and watching the clock." and, another thing; i don't even get how those tissue paper toilet seat covers work. if i'm not sliding off the toilet seat because it's so darn slippery, then my turd is stuck on that middle part of the seat cover that i can't punch out. needless to say, i'm a bare ass, cold toilet seat kinda' blogger.

you ever see these sign spinner people standing on street corners who advertise things like new apartment complexes, cell phone deals or $5 pizzas at the "little caesar's?" see, businesses have engaged in a sort of guerilla advertising where they'll recruit and hire these g.e.d./minority types and train them in the mystical ways of sign spinning and stick them on a trafficky street corner in hopes of catching the eye of an unsuspecting motorist looking for cheap pizza and/or a condo. well, i have been this aforementioned "unsuspecting motorist" many o' times and this advertising/marketing scheme makes no sense to me. for one thing, how are you supposed to read the sign when it's flying/spinning in the air, being thrown around the back and through the legs of said sign spinner? would you make a spinning bilboard or traffic sign? no, because the point of signs is to be read. i could see if the sign spinners were selling sign spinning classes but they're not. also, isn't this dangerous for said motorists? how many pileups have resulted from motorists trying to figure out what the words are on these spinning signs. it's like sue ellen mitschke wearing a bra as a top!!!

contrary to popular belief (if "popular belief" constitutes the three people who read my blog), i can be sensitive to other people's feelings and sometimes things just plain rub me the wrong way. for instance, with all the hubbub and ballyhoo over the "sex and the city" movie there has been a revisiting and/or revival of sorts in regards to the "sarah jessica parker looks like a horse" humour. look, she may not be punching her weight in the natural beauty to sexy role ratio but it's just so mean spirited to compare the poor lady to a horse. heck, the sophomoric geniuses (hypocritical?) of maxim even named sjp the "no. 1 unsexiest person alive." really, "unsexiest?" is that even necessary? the thing that's the most heartbreaking about this is that sjp even came out and said how this sort of thing hurts her feelings. besides, by all accounts, she seems like a perfectly delightful, well-adjusted and down-to-earth person. hey, make fun of vapid, selfish ho-bags like paris hilton all you want but let's leave the nice people with actual talent alone. see, people just don't understand beauty; if you've ever watched "sex and the city" or any of her other movies sjp really does have a very cute and sweet way about her that more than makes up for her oblongular features. heck, i'd toss a few beans in her pail.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: blogger would like to make clear that, while he finds specific insults in the "sjp /horse" vane unsettling, he is more than okay with broad, sweeping generalizations in the ilk of all jewish persons having "horse faces."

1 comment:

mcdizzle said...

i've never understood the horse-face insult either. to me, the much more glaring issue is that she's over 40 and still trying to be sexy.

sorry ladies, but there's nothing sexy about standing on menopause's doorstep.