Wednesday, June 25, 2008

tell me how my blog tastes

attention to all atheists, apatheists, hippies, gays and satanists!!! i have a great way to stick it to the man... and god! however, i must stress that i'm dealing in hypotheticals because i think this might be illegal and we here at would NEVER, EVER encourage the breaking, bending and/or 'bliterating of the law; especially since some high ranking steads of the government are known to get their ba dum BLOG!!! on, from time to time. anyway, a neat thing to do would be to get a writing utensil and cross out the "god" in the "in god we trust" on all your cash money (thank you, wilmer valderrrammma). actually, i think this excludes the hippies because they don't have college degrees, cash money and/or jobs :( nevertheless, i think this could be a fun and effective way to, at the very least, take god out of our wallets. and, you don't merely have to cross out its name either. you can replace it with "unicorns," "rainbows," "panda bears," "lisa frank," or... "ba dum BLOGger!!!" hypothetically speaking, of course.

costcos is great! whether you need a gallon drum of mayo, nitrogen filled tires and/or purple crocs; they've got it all (i think every comedian has some version of this joke in their repertoire. sorry for being a hackneyed, rainbow suspender wearing, hack). and the samples! omfg, i love "gossip girl".... and the samples! i remember my mom and i used to go to the costcos around lunch time just for the samples; we wouldn't even buy anything. however, nothing draws my ire more than all the okies settin' up their hoovervilles and shanty towns, clogging up the aisles all whilst waiting for their samples. is there a less dignified move than this? and, how about the poor sample ladies? you have these squatty hispanic women, wearing their poofy little hats and red aprons, slaving over a steamin' crock-pot while all these freeloaders circle her like a pack of hyenas on a three legged zebra. talk about pressure! see, these people need a lesson in coy and nonchalance. if the samples aren't ready, just casually walk past, linger and pretend you're reading the label on the back of a pickle jar or peruse the kirkland classics. don't just stand there! you should never have to break stride to pick up a sample - you just can't.

holy mackerel, how great was the shaquille o'neal freestyle rap song?!?!?! i think this will end up being my favourite thing of 2008. i may not know much about rapping songs and i've heard a lot of ill speech in regards to shaq-fu's raptitude but i found it incredibly refreshing, creative and hi-larious. sure, it might not have been as impromptu as it was presented and he did rhyme "me" with "me" on more than one occasion but that rhetorical hook - "kobe, tell me how my ass tastes" has been rattling around in my brain and rolling off my tongue for three days now. i guarantee, this will usurp "you got served" as the new urban phrase that white peoples will ironically propagate as their own. and, i betcha' a "lisa frank" dolla' bill that when kobe goes to the foul line at road arenas a rousing rendition of said rhetorical hook will echo much in the same way pedro martinez was serenaded with the "who's your daddy" chant. shaq daddy deisel didn't just go after kobe either; he took down p-puffy diddy daddy, pat ewing, kareem abdul-jabbar, white peoples, talked about his vasectomy, his divorce and dropped a few n' bombs!!! see, kobe needs to learn from this - if you're affable, charismatic and funny you can throw any old "n' word" under the bus.

ba dum BLOG!!!

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