Saturday, June 14, 2008

'85 celtics v. '02 kings: whoever wins, we all lose

now, i've had this one chambered for a while because i was reluctant to release it. i just felt it was hypocritical and mean spirited especially since i went on my sarah jessica parker jag. howeva' (thank you, stepehen a. smith), there is a double standard amongst mens and womens in regards to making fun and crackin' wise; especially when you have a bunch of successful, millionaire jocular jocks.

so yes, this is a look at who had the all-time ugliest basketball team of all-time between the '85 celtics and the '02 kings. it should especially be noted that two of the kings best players (chris webber and peja stojakovic) had to be omitted because they're actually very easy on the eyes and the hardwood (yessssss!).

plus, with all the trips down memory lane with the celts in the finals and all the refereeing scandal ballyhoo with the '02 kings, these two teams will never be more relevant at the same time EVER. and, as you well know, is where relevancy comes to roost.

point guards
dennis johnson: sorry, but a black man just cannot wear freckles...he just can't.
mike bibby: he is one ugly, bi-racial mess who has an uncanny resemblance to weekly world news' "batboy."
winner: dennis johnson, celtics. rip.
shooting guards
danny ainge: actually, he isn't really that bad. definitely the looker of the bunch. i just didn't feel like searching for a pic of "cornbread" maxwell.
doug christie: another bi-racial mess. must i go to race? yes. he looks like a skinny skeletor.
winner: doug christie, kings.
small forwards
larry bird: no bigger discrepancy between greatness and beauty. and no greater similarity among surname and face.
hedo turkoglu: he's the reason i don't have hd tv. however, he's just "euro ugly" when bird is "universe ugly."
winner: larry bird, celtics.
power forwards
kevin mchale: he's like a strange combination between frankenstein, lurch and a sleestack.
scot pollard: sure, he's ugly but he perpetuates and cultivates his ugliness with his wacky hair. In short, he OWNS it.
winner: kevin mchale, celtics.
robert parish: "the chief" scowl puts the fear of god into pale faces across the land.
vlade divac: again, "euro ugly." he's probably a studly fella' in his native yugolslavia.
winner: robert parish, celtics.
sixth men
bill walton: all the worse parts of every ugly white feature there is: red hair, freckles, wooden teeth, etc.
bobby jackson: all the worse parts of every ugly black feature there is: broad nose, goofy ears, bluish hue, etc.
winner: bobby jackson, kings (RACIST!!!)

okay, so that's a three to three tie. and the tiebreaker goes to.....

ba dum BLOG!!!

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