Monday, July 14, 2008

x-treme blogging

look, i'll admit that i don't really understand all this oil/gas stuff (but neither do you). i'm not even sure if oil and gas are, for all intents and purposes, the same thing or maybe you just need oil to make gas... i really don't know (and neither do you). however, what i do know is that it's very easy for all you myopic simpletons (yes, you) to think oil/gas prices are just an american problem that george dubya bush has orchestrated for the mere reason that he is "evil." if you'd watch the news or use the internets for something other than porno movies and/or fantasy football you'd know that, while gas prices are bad in the usofa, we're probably somewhere in the middle of the pack on the global scale. most of europe is pushing $8, $9, $10 a gallon (i'm not gonna' link to official numbers because i'm a blogger, not a journalist and bloggers don't have to be accurate). while we're what, around $4.50 on average? i'm also not going to bore you (or myself) with all this talk about subsidizing, tax breaks, local/foreign oil, etc. because not only do i not understand it, but neither would you. sure, south american countries like venezuela has gas prices that are only like $1 but that shouldn't count because only drug dealers own cars while everyone else just rides donkeys.

has anyone ever seen anyone ever imbibing a smirnoff ice in a non underage capacity? i had two during my first year of college when i was first learning how to drink and my stomach almost 'xploded from all the sugary, bubbly goodness. seriously though, i don't think i've ever seen anyone buying a six pack from the grocery store nor drinking one at a bar. yet, you'll see plenty of snarkily, clever advertisements for smirnoff ice on the television box and most collegey type bars will have that gigantic, lightningy novelty smirnoff ice bottle glowing behind the bar. maybe they're popular at gay bars, sorority parties, pleasure parties or something... i don't know? but i tend to think they're more of a teenage girl sort of thing. in fact, if a dude in a moustache is ever seen buying smirnoff ice at the grocery store he should probably be arrested because he's obviously on his way to meet some 14 year old boy/girl he met on the internets (thank you, chris hansen). i don't even know how they can afford to advertise so much. it kinda' reminds me of back before cell phones were invented and there were like a million collect calls commercials on tv. who was making all these collect calls... prisoners? i'd ask everyone i met and no one could ever answer this question nor admit to ever making more than five collect calls in their entire life. these commercials were big business too; they had huge stars like alyssa milano, carrot top and alf!

what kind of a flavour is "wild cherry?" this is often a popular flavour for candy or slurpies. personally, i love the "wild cherry" and it's my favorite artificial candy flavour (more on this later). i'm confused though; is "wild cherry" an actual kind of cherry or is "wild" being used in the same way that "x-treme" is being used for everything during the oughts. and, if it is like "x-treme," why not "wild grape," "wild orange," or "wild kiwi?" i tend to think it might be "wild" as in "x-treme" because if you've ever had a real cherry you'll know they're more bitter and "wild cherry" tastes more like maraschino cherries, but "maraschino" is probably too ethnic. anywho, i believe this blog serves as a good opportunity for me to blog what fruits are mo' betta' and what artificially flavoured counterparts are mo' betta':
natural fruit flavour----------vs.-----------artificial fruit flavour
mo' betta'----------------------apple
----------------------------------banana----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------blueberry-------mo' betta'
----------------------------------cherry-----------mo' betta'
mo' betta'-----------------------grape
----------------------------------lemon-----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------lime-------------mo' betta'
mo' betta'----------------------orange
mo' betta'----------------------strawberry
mo' betta'----------------------watermelon
winner: it's a tie!!! actually, we all lose; for me blogging and for you reading :(

that's it; i officially can't keep up with all these cool dude, dude bra' handshakes anymore. i'm so tired of meeting minorities, people who think they're minorities, drug dealers, etc. and being subject to all these back hand slaps, finger snaps, knuckle thumps, fist bumps, chest humps, shoulder hugs and so on - it's like a 16-hit, "street fighter ii combo." my only recourse to all this nonsense is to just give 'em the old limp fish and hope my hand can stay limber and pliable enough so they can just seamlessly run my hand through the gears and cogs of their unquestioned coolness. whatever happened to the classic firm grip, elbow out handshake? when these people are grandparents are they still going to be throwing down these fist, knuckle, hand gymnastics or, once these people get to certain age, will they revert back to the classic hand shake? i simply don't think arthritis will allow for such foolishness. the thing that gets me though is that i'm admittedly a big dork who can't fake it to make it to save his life but how the heck do all these cool dudes automatically know how to perform and reciprocate all handshakes presented to them without skipping a beat? every time i'm presented with such greetings the dude bra' must stop and run me through it like three times before i can "get it" and perform to a level that satisfies the cool dude. you know what's cool? shaking someone's hand without making the person you're greeting feel like a complete loser.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor’s note: anyone who argues with bloggers oil/gas bit will have their comments immediately erased.

1 comment:

Courtney Smith said...

i think i may be able to shed some light the "smirnoff ice" portion of the blog. as a bartender for a mere 6 months i believe i've served approximately 6 of these. 4 of them were all at once to a group of bubbly girls that seemed to have just turned 21 and the other 2 went to scary chola chicks. now the interesting thing about the cholas was that they like their smirnoff with grenadine. like you said, smirnoff ice is sweet enough by itself, but now their adding syrup?! is this really necessary? maybe this explains why they were about 4 times my size. for all you blog readers out there that are watching their weight... smirnoff ice with grenadine is not the way to go! stick with the vodka soda. and we do, of course, have a glowing bottle of smirnoff ice surrounded by "lightning" behind the bar. i noticed this, literally, last weekend. seems like a waste of space for something that sells, on an average, 1 a month.