now, i promised myself when i first started blogging my wooing woes that i wouldn't blog my triumphs; ever so rare, fleeting and less than triumphant they may be (in case you're keeping score at home, i'm running at a 20:1 clip with the former being the miscues). although my success stories may even be more tragically hilarious than my failures but winners aren't endearing, losers are and i blog to endear. yet, i will blog a recent peccadillo i've had with a nice young lady only because she's a friend (not just some ho), a friend of the blog, gave me her permission (methinks) and it is highly relevant to my most recent enterprise. i also feel compelled to acknowledge that, yes, i realize that most of my "no game" adventures only amount to one insignificant conversation but that's how it goes with bloggers with no "game" - that's about as far as we get.
i'll be brief and less than detailed in my latest, mild success story: went out with my pal to a bar, met up with some female acquaintances of ours, yada, yada, yada, as i was rounding first base with the more fortunate of the acquaintances she stops me and says "i have a question i need to ask you." and, even though i was silly drunk, i knew EXACTLY what she was gonna' ask me and even said it with her as if i were following the little white balls in a sing-a-long: "ARE YOU GAY???" oops i did it again, i played with your heart, you thought i was GAY... ooh baby, baby. i said "what do you think?" yada, yada, yada, i got into a pickle betwixt first and second. and, yes, i realize the irony of referencing sing-a-longs, little white bouncing balls and quoting a britney song all while trying to convince everyone on the internets that i'm not gay... oh, and the pickle too. so, that was that, and now we're onto another night. as it happens, i went out with my same pal, plus one, and met up with these very same female acquaintances, plus one, but at a different bar. quick digression: i haven't been to this bar in months and now all the bartenders wear snazzy t-shirts with the bar's name emblazoned on them and have raised the price on drinks from like $5 to $8. this shizz is bush, t-shirts and jacking up the prices three dollars at a skeezy, hole-in-the-wall dive bar???? bush. anyway, at one point, some decent looking chick, we'll call her "ellen," is clearly googly eying me and gives me the come hither look and finger but i play coy in my attempts to feign some "game." in the meantime, i decide to reconnoiter the situation and notice "ellen" has some dude holding her hand and is provocatively dancing with her. while trying to further asses the situation the dude notices me creepin' but instead of gettin' all territorial on me, he actually starts smiling at me all friendly like. of course, when you read me blog it in such a way, it's obvious what was happening here but not in my drunken stupor.
now that i feel i have the dude's blessing and have played coy long enough, "ellen" and i slowly reel each other in; in synchronized, googly eye fashion. we meet and she kinda' arches her back in a way where our crotches bump and she coquettishly pokes me in the chest with her finger and inquires... "ARRRRE YOOOOOU GAAAAAAY???" between the alcohol, her creepy, obviously gay dude still smiling at me over her shoulder and the fact that i'm tired of everyone thinking i'm gay, i begin to get downright indignant. i say "no, i'm not gay. do i look gay?" "ellen" responds; "oh, never mind. you're no fun then." "what, straight guys can't be fun?" "no," and she starts to walk away from me." "wait, are you gay? i ask. "yep, i'm gay." says "ellen." now, my pal who was accompanying me at the bar thinks she was looking for another gay guy to innocently hook up with because that's what lipstick lesbians do but i'm resigned to the fact that she was merely just pimping me out to her creepy, smiling gay friend. seriously, what do i have to do? is ba dum BLOGger gonna' have to rape a bitch?!?!? seriously, i'm gonna' invite all my friends and acquaintances out to some public place and then i'm gonna' grab some unsuspecting hot, but not too hot (to make a point), chick and force myself on and in her. seriously though, this whole gay thing is becoming quite the disconcerting pattern. i'm not a metrosexual, i have a deep, non lisping voice, i'm not neat or organised, i'm not an emo and i like sports. however, i am a homophile, i like musicals and show tunes, i like disneyland, have double jointed hips and more than dabble and/or diddle in homoerotic humour. look, my sense of humour is so refined and sophisticated that it transcends conventional, societal ideas of gender and i refuse to compromise it for all you blockhead, simpletons of the world. okay, so maybe i do have the cards of perception stacked against me but i'm not gay... theriouthly guyth, thtop it!!!!
ba dum BLOG!!!
editor's note: what do you think? rape humour: yea or nay? and, yes, britney is sportin' a vaGINORMOUS camel toe.
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