Wednesday, July 9, 2008

the most interesting blog in the world

you don't hear much about cobblers anymore. sure, you've got your peach cobbler, your raspberry cobbler and your irish meat cobbler but where have all the shoemakers gone? i hearken back to a time where we could stomp our tattered, buckled clogs down a cobblestone road to the gepetto-esque, village cobbler; this was a better time. now what... does nike or reebok employ cobblers or are the new age cobblers just a bunch of pre-pubescent, sri lankan boys in a sweat box? now, if i hadn't graduated from college, wasn't educated, didn't blog or was a minority; i think i would've liked to have been a cobbler. wouldn't it be quaint and keen to be at your local tavern and, whilst meeting a nice, young lass, compliment her on her shoes? chicks dig compliments and shoes; hence, compliments on their shoes! and, if she's got moves, she may repel the obvious attempt at empty ingratiation and retort with a "and what do YOU know about shoes, mister?" and you could reply, "oodles, i'm a cobbler!"

my dream is to become a successful enough blogger to get z-celebrity status and become a regular talking head on vh-1 shows like "best week ever" or "i love the (insert decade here)." just think; i'd be wearing some kitschy, novelty t-shirt, my hair would be all coiffed, blow dried and shiny, i'd be put up against a neon green backdrop and have the little graphic at the bottom of the screen reading "ba dum BLOGger of" it's like the easiest job EVER. they'll show some pop culturally or nostalgic clip and i'd say something clever like "he's a teenager who turns into a werewolf, he's a teen wolf...teen wolf!" or, i could be clever again and say "they're teenagers, who mutated, can ninja and they're turtles... they're teenage mutant ninja turtles!" however, i'll keep talking and deadpan in my best michael ian black; "with the turtles all named for great, italian artists i would've liked to have seen at least one painting or sculpture from these teenage, mutant ninjas. i mean, come on... shouldn't leonardo be the inventor in lieu of donatello?" ta daaaa, i'm a z-listing talking head!

why are studios still making eddie murphy movies? this guy's last relevant comedic moment was introducing his brother, charlie murphy, to rick james. it's not like he's just in moving pictures or merely starring in them either; in his last two movies he's received multiple billings. the abortion that was "norbit" starred "eddie murphy" and "eddie murphy" and now his latest offering, "meet dave" is toting an "eddie murphy in eddie murphy" billing (whatever that even means). i don't know how the movie industry works but wouldn't this be like the new york yankees in 2008 convincing chris sabo to come out of retirement, giving him a 100 million dollar contract and renaming the new york yankees "the new york chris sabo wrap around goggles?" the sad thing is that his stand-up was genius in the 80s and he was in, at least, five very good movies during that same time. what happened? how does someone go from brilliant comedian to "pluto nash" and resorting to dressing like heavyset women of colour as his go to for laughs? and, how does one get four billings in two movies? oooh, i know how eddie could stage his comeback; make a movie about when he picked up the tranny and call it "driving mr. daisy."

i hate to be the one to pop pamela anderson's boobies or snatch rip taylor's toupee but dos equis' "most interesting man in the world" is a gosh darn, good for nuthin' charlatan! his name is jonathan goldmsith, he has appeared in every single tv show from the 80s and was a neighbour to shane stanley in the 70s. there is nothing even remotely interesting about any of this. sure, i knew he was an actor but i assumed he was at least a telenovela guy, an amateur boxer or something... not a jew! not that there's anything wrong with being jewish but my disbelief will not be suspended to the point where i believe a jew's beard has experienced anything more interesting than maybe a non kosher hot dog during the high holidays or switching out the chocolate gold coins for silver during a spirited spin of the dradle. goldsmith is a jewish name, right? and, the more i think about it, all these cute little "most interesting manisms" are nothing more than a rip-off of all those lame, hackneyed chuck norris factoids. are stoic guys with beards really that neat? goldsmith is a jewish name, right???

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: the word "genius" was blogged about quite liberally in this blog and, in case you're wondering, drawing an analogy betwixt eddie murphy and chris sabo is NOT "genius."

1 comment:

Mairgold Fennick said...

So sorry to burst your bubble, but i think that cobbling is now a mechanized art much like car manufacturing or meat packaging. Doesn't that just get you down? i'm not saying i'm into cow slaughtering or anything, but i appreciate handmade or hand nurtured as much as the next guy. unfortunately that in a scant decade or so...we be saying "State-of-the-Industry" instead of "State-of-the-Art."

Thanks, and good luck on making the Z list.