Wednesday, July 2, 2008

blog tikka masala

being an extremely racial person, not racist, i'm annoyed with the inter-cultural ambiguities of the turban. see, i'd like to be able to throw either all muslims or all hindus under one turban umbrella, much like these turbanites do so with their hair, but you can't accurately do so. i don't like the fact that you might call a convenient store clerk a "terrorist" only for him to correct you and say "i am an indian (dot, not feather) and don't ever recall a hindu terrorizing anyone. good day, sir… and come again!" nor do i appreciate it when i'm in a cab and, while attempting to engage in the art of conversation, telling the turban wearing driver that "i don't mean to curry favor but i've always loved curry." only for him to respond, "while i appreciate your witty repartee and use of idiom, i am a muslim and do not curry favor nor do i curry chicken tikka masala. good day, sir… and praise be to allah and death to infidels!" all i wanna' do is stereotype and these turbans are really crampin' my style. also, i can understand if turbans were big in siberia or the yukon but it really makes no sense to have all that hair all wrapped up like that in these super hot middle eastern and indian (ghandi, not sitting bull) climates. if i were ever in a position to create a god and attribute rules and beliefs to him, practicality and pragmatism would reign supreme over all else.

so, i received my stimulus check the other day. not sure how i feel about this... i'm conflicted, as most intelligently, complex bloggers would be. on, and in, one hand, i now have $600 in walking around money (wam) but i can't help but feel like i'm being hornswaggled, hoodwinked and/or hucklebucked by our friends in the government. see, i think they figured out the exact amount that they should give you, based on how much you make and spend, and figured if they give me $600 it will ultimately turn into me spending an extra $3-400 that i would not have otherwise spent without the $600 of extra wam to stimulate my spending. and, this will also all be taxed. so, that's why i suggest you spend this government wam on recreational, nontaxable (monetarily) taxable (physically) hookers and/or crack cocaine. also, where is this money coming from and why should i get it? aren't we like a gazillion dollars in debt and shouldn't single, white, childless, condom wearing bloggers be the last people to receive government handouts. i believe handouts should be relegated to overly fertile, non-condom wearing minorities who sling and bang with reckless abandon.

i can't help but feel that if i had a dog i'd probably have engaged in recreational sexual activity with, at the most, five different girls from my neighborhood by now (doubling my total of two-and-a-half with one of those coming from the internets). see, there are just oodles of average to above average looking ladies walking their dogs down my street at all hours of the day and i'll often see guys, with their dogs, parlaying their pooch into a friendly, non-threatening exchange. meanwhile, i have absolutely NOTHING to say to these women as i pass them down my street - it's like i'm rubbing two sticks together while everyone else has zippos. sure, you might say "why don't you just compliment them on their dog or get a dog of your own?" i'm not sure which scenario is more ridiculous. again, like i said before, i gots NOTHING to say and, more importantly, i HATE dogs and the concept of pets in general. there, i said it. yes, i am allergic to all animals and never had any pets growing up but my parents are also right wing catholics so i think it's safe to say that the cream still would’ve risen to the top sans the allergies. i just don't see the allure of pets; they cost a fortune, they're dirty, they smell, they bark, they poop, they vomit and then they die. and then you have these weirdoes who talk to their pets and anthropomorphize them as if the misplaced love and loyalties of an animal are somehow analogous to human interaction. basically, i'm just jealous that people like their pets more than bloggers :(

that's it, california has officially gone hands free in terms of cell phone usage by drivers of vehicles - it's the law! now what? i get 90% of my phone talking/texting (wait, can we still text?) while driving. and, i can see and understand that this is a safety issue and we're all the better for it but this still throws a major wrench in my cellular gears. i just don't know if i can stomach getting a blue tooff. i don't know why but whenever i see someone with a blue tooff i literally, physically cringe. it's the same sensation i get when i see a barbed wire tattoo or a line beard. i know blue tooffs provide a wonderful technological service but i can't help but feel that most use them as an aesthetic accessory of cool. maybe if i just relegate my blue tooffing to my car, but still... then, i guess there's also those things you just clip onto your visor but i can't imagine that working very well and i'm so uncomfortable and untrusting with technology in general that i'd be up off my seat and screaming into the windshield the whole time. i'm just a very late adopter when it comes to this sort of thing and had the same neurotic reservations about cell phones and i dealt with that okay, right? i suppose i'm just uncomfortable having a "hands free" anything when i can't even get a "hands free" orgasm.

ba dum BLOG!!!
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editor's note: in regards to the "hands free" bit; this is a text blog example of blogger blogging a mediocre blog solely to work in a less than mediocre punch-line.

1 comment:

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