Thursday, April 3, 2008

gimme' bucket o' blog

why do i watch sports? i don't only watch them either; i listen to sports talk radio all day, read a bazillion articles, play fantasy sports, etc. but all sports does is depress me. for example, my warriors are on the brink of missing the playoffs and i'm miserable. every loss, every miss step leaves me crestfallen, completely disconsolate. but, the thing that upsets me most, is not the fact that my teams disappoint me time and time again but the fact that they have the power to depress me so. how pathetic is it that my brain and emotions are wired as such that 10 black men and two europeans who i've never met, never will meet and care nothing for me have the power to ruin my day. it's so stupid. also, people (not me) get into these arguments with other sports fans over their respective teams as if their life and self-worth is in direct correlation with the success of their chosen teams. in reality, all we're doing is rooting for different articles of laundry. our teams don't represent us. what do i have in common with stephen jackson other than we both fire guns outside of gentlemanly clubs and “make love to pressure”? our teams don't even represent the cities they play in. it's not like every player on the warriors is from the bay area or every player on the lakers is from la. in fact, the average length of time any given player is on a team is like two years. i hate sports but love the opportunities it gives to minorities, thank you.

"the hills" is back and as vexing as ever!!! seriously, why do i watch this crap? and, what the heck happened to heidi? waaaaay too much plastic surgery. please girl (the one of you who reads my blog) don't do it. plastic surgery is an awful trend and sets the bar at an unfair place for everyone else. whether it be boobs, nose, lips or labia majora...please, just don't. anyway, "the hills"!!! it seems kinda' fake but then it doesn't. the scenarios seem stilted, however the dialogue seems natural. there's no way these vapid blondes could possibly act this well, right? plus, lauren is crying in every other scene and you can't fake that, can you? i have to give it to my mom though, who is also an avid watcher, who called me up and said "i don't get it, it has to be fake! why would they have a camera on heidi's dad shoveling snow?" i love my mama :)

when did it become cool to be a "diva?" if you looked up "diva" in the thesaurus, "raging c-word" would be the first entry you'd see...followed by "operatic lead," of course. yet, all you hear is the mariah carrey's, j-lo's and rosie o'donnel's (she may actually be a "divo," thank you) of the world yelling "i'm a diva, watch out, i'm a diva, gimme' bucket o' chicken, i'm a diva!" however, the most disturbing instance of this is not in the world of entertainment but in the world of the dmvs, planned parenthoods or of the ilk. you'll see these heavyset women of questionable intelligence and hygiene waltzing around wearing baby t's emblazoned with a bedazzled "diva." parenthetically, i must learn the waltz so i can literally waltz into every room or place of business i frequent.

i have a great idea for a new tv show: "jingle idol." it's just like "american idol" except the contestants must write and perform their own commercial jingles. and, in the opening rounds of the show, hopefuls will perform such favorites as "byyyy mennen," "you bet your sweet aspircream," and "free credit report dot com." think of all the free advertising companies will be getting - it's perfect synergy. "jingle idol" will also follow the same three judge format as "american idol." the first judge will be dave coulier of televisions "full house" - you may remember that joey and uncle jesse enjoyed a stint as a jingle performing/writing team. the second judge would bring the sexy in the form of the the overstock dot com girl - you know, the one who says "it's all about the '0.'" thirdly, in the vain of simon cowell, will be howard brown - he's british, he's black and from the world of advertising. seriously, the knowledge i possess to pull howard brown out of my tuckus is scary good. really people, wikipedia this guy; it truly is amazing on my part.

ba dum BLOG!!!


Anonymous said...

please remove the picture of me and the warriors from your blog

thank you


Kyra Vision Blog said...

Sorry Patrick I would soooo be a Plastic surgery addict if i could afford it-maybe that's why I'm so broke. Guess I have to get old "Grandma style."