Tuesday, May 6, 2008

14 worst moving pictures of all-time

i think i want to start blogging more definitive, comprehensive list blogs like my "men who look like womens" blog or my "top 10 hot women" blog from my 'space blog of yore. this will be a list of the "14 worst moving pictures of all-time." now, i could easily blog poetic on the "ishtars," "norbits," "caddyshack ii's," and/or "giglis" of the world but that'd be too easy and i'll also try stay somewhat current. and, as is my wont, i'll be a contrarion and blog the pictures that have had some degree of success; whether it be commercial, critical or fanboy-tastical. why the worst and not the best??? because it's waaaaay more fun blogging clouds than sunshine.

in alphabetical order


box office: $85,288,303
rotten tomatoes: 64%
this is a gateway movie in the sense where "anchorman" opened the door for will ferrell to star in a string of plotless, cookie cutter comedies which showcase his vacuous, inflectionless man-child character that america has grown to love. i don't even think this movie had a script; it was just will ferrell improvising nonsensical lines about "whale vaginas," "scotch" and "rich mahogany." plus, this is the kind of movie that perpetuates all those "movie quote dudes" who mindlessly recite inane movie lines in social settings because they have no personality and/or originality. it's sad that the best snl player of all time and a guy with genuine comedic talent has been reduced to this.

charlie and the chocolate factory
box office: $206,459,076
rotten tomatoes: 83%
this moving picture holds the distinct pleasure of being the only movie on my list i haven't seen, nor will i. for the most part, i refuse to see remakes. "willy wonka and the chocolate factory" is one of the greatest movies of all-time. why remake it? i could say the same thing for other brutal remakes such as "the texas chainsaw massacre," "the bad news bears" and "the longest yard." this just shows how the movie industry is waaay more concerned with making money than being groundbreaking or original. which is fine and it's their prerogative (thank you, bobby brown), it is a business after all, but remakes are seriously throwing a major wrench in the gears of the creative process.

box office: $137,355,633
rotten tomatoes: 32%
pound for pound this may be the worst movie on the list. for some reason adam sandler is a star and his movies make a TON of money. critics don' t like him but the people do - people are dumb. this movie tried to put the magical, adam sandler spin on the cliche "be careful what you wish for" theme. the results were terrifically unfunny and amazingly depressing. watching an abortion would've been more uplifting and funnier (especially poignant since abortions are already side-splittingly humourous).

box office: $54,580,300
rotten tomatoes:
yes, this movie won the oscar for best motion picture. this is one of those bleeding heart, liberal movies that sob about how racist we are. it is so ridiculously over the top that some parts were actually hilarious - like when matt dillon is on the phone with the heavy-set woman of colour or when he feels up the skinny woman of questionable colour. the whole thing was so condescending it came off like a cheesy, 70s after school special starring kristy mcnichol and robby benson.

dogma/jay and silent bob strike back

box office:
$30,652,890, $30,085,147
rotten tomatoes:
67%, 53%
kevin smith is hilarious if you ever hear him interviewed or see any of his speaking engagements but his movies suck - it's a strange dichotomy. sure, "clerks" was good but, if you watch it now, you'll realize that it was more different and unique than good. however, "dogma" and "jay and silent bob strike back" were especially bad. "dogma" was actually a pretty good idea but was ruined by chris rock and a "shit monster." then, in "jay and silent bob strike back," kevin smith took the single most worst thing from his movies (jay and silent bob) and created a whole "shit monster" centered around them. as an actor, jay makes chris rock look like sId poitier (continuing with the unspoken rule that you can only compare like races) and silent bob couldn't be less relevant and compelling if he were "invisible bob."

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
i love jews and whiny indie movies (no, i really do) but this picture was trash. this is one of those movies that every college kid says they like just to prove that they're hip. in college, "garden state" is to movies like "dave matthews" is to music. anyway, i didn't even get the plot - zach braff's character is a depressed actor who is still riddled with guilt over accidentally killing his mother when he's five. couldn't he have been depressed and guilty over something a little more subtle? and, even though he got sent away from home like a million years ago, everyone in town inexplicably remembers him at first glance. oh, and natalie portman's character - wtf??? i hate these movies where finding a gf seems to solve all of life's problems.

the last samurai
box office:
rotten tomatoes:
i hated this movie for the imperialistic, super offensive "great white hope" bent it had to it. so, you have tom cruise as an alcoholic civil war soldier who gets sent
over to japan to teach the army how to fight and somehow ends up with the samurai's who, in turn, teach him how not to be such a jerk and kick his alcoholism and then, when they all go to war, he ends up being the last samurai standing because, only after a few months of training, becomes a more effective samurai than all the japanese dudes who were practically born as samurais. seriously, how offensive must this be to the japanese? i mean, tom cruise of all people becomes the last living samurai?!?!?! this would be like a dinka becoming the last, great blogger.

nocked up

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
now, this movie is more overrated than "bad" per se but, with that being said, i think i lol'd out LOUD only once and knew exactly what was going to happen before i even saw the movie. gal gets pregnant, she's stressed, guy doesn't understand, girl exiles him, guy pulls it together, mad dash to the hospital where hilarious labor hijinx ensue, guy proves to the gal he's gots what it takes just as the baby crowns and the gal, vulnerable from pushing out a baby, falls for it. never mind, it was bad. also, the premise was so ridiculously unrealistic it angered me. look, i'm a wise-cracking, lovable loser and that NEVER translates into me scoring with a hot chick like that - and i'm not even fat plus, i have a 401k and benefits!!! plus, abortion wasn't even discussed. this is the situation abortions were mercifully made for.

oceans 12
box office: $125,544,280
rotten tomatoes: 55%
now, this movie was an excuse for clooney, pitt and the boys to play grab-ass and philander over international waters. however, that doesn't account for the writers and directors having julia roberts' character impersonate herself as a julia roberts impersonator (yeah, huh?) and having the fella's climactic attempt at stealing an egg thwarted - only to learn, in a post-climax flashback, that they already stole the egg and replaced the egg in an anticlimactic flashback which undercut the original climax. yes, it was an anti-climactic climax which followed a faux-climax which really wasn't very climactic to begin with (yeah, huh?). oh yeah, and we were all led to believe all subsequent action was manipulated just so catherine zeta-jones' character could meet up with her long lost papa (yeah, huh?).

pirates of the caribbean 2
and 3
box office:
$423,315,812, $309,420,425
rotten tomatoes: 54%, 45%
i have never been more confused by movies than i was while watching the second and third installments of "pirates of the caribbean." look, i've always been in the highest reading groups in elementary school, took ap and honours english and literature courses in high school and received a degree in communications from an accredited california university and i was still completely lost - by pirate movies?!?!?!? yet, these movies had nothing to do with piracy; booty stealing and ship commandeering were eschewed in lieu of voodoo, zombies, half-dead fish people, convoluted pirate law and order, upside down under worlds and a gigantic, pulsating heart. and, there were no stakes in the movies because every character died like five time over, always being saved by some pirate loophole so during all their death defying, swashbuckling stunts there were no stakes - rendering the plot moot.

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
this is the oldest and probably best moving picture in the bunch. see, it was a good movie in the sense that the story and pacino were so ridiculously over-the-top that it is a real fun and intentionally/unintentionally funny picture. however, the cultural relevance and reverence this movie holds in the hip hop community is ridiculous and totally underscores any validity it has. all these rappa's and gangsta's seriously look at tony montana's (no tilde button for my enyay) life as a blue print for success and that magical word - respect. c'mon people, tony montana was an egomaniacal, psychotic, homicidal, incestuous (albeit overtonal) no-good punk. this guy was hilarious and fun to watch but by no means should he hold the esteem he does. seriously, hip hop looks at this guy like he's michael jordan - only if michael jordan dies on a mountain of coke and riddled with bullet holes.

star wars 1,2 and 3

box office:
$431,088,301, $302,191,252, $380,270,577
rotten tomatoes:
64%, 67%, 79%
okay, i'm a dork and loove the original star wars trilogy (known in the fanboy world as the "o.t.") however, lucas turned these movies into an orgy of cartoony special effects wrapped around a convoluted plot about intergalactic trade laws and reduced darth vader into a punk, jealous, brooding teenager. look enough has been written about this but if you really want to sink your teeth into all that is wrong with the new trilogy, i'll refer you to this fanboy-tastical, awesome website. http://www.chefelf.com/starwars/

box office:
rotten tomatoes:
holy mackerel, due to all the critical (like a bazillion oscars) and financial (highest grossing of all-time?) success this has to be the most overrated moving picture of all-time. first off, this is a love story which revolves around a ridiculously over the top evil and snidely whiplashesque bad guy (bill zane) who basically forces his fat and slutty girlfriend (kate winslett) to knock the boots with a twelve-year-old stowaway (leo dicaprio) who looks more like her nephew than the hunky hero who's tossing it in her pail. see, you'd think the story-tellers would be sensitive to the fact that kate winslett is a husky whore and try to draw as much attention away from it as possible, yet the main reason leo dies is because their hunk of flotsam and/or jetsam they're left to survive on isn't big enough to fit the 200 lb. kate and the 140 lb. leo. then, kate as an old bag, returns to the scene of the crime only to selfishly throw a piece of jewelery, which would probably fetch like a gazillion dollars for charity, over the edge of the ship. wtf?!?!?!?


box office:
rotten tomatoes:
this is the quintessential action movie that gets progressively and assuredly more boring and dumb for every second of mind-numbingly loud and visually painful, plot-killing action sequence. this movie also gave us a blisteringly hot tomboy, auto mechanic and female computer hacker of the same ilk - when we all know there is no such thing. then, the final action sequence of the moving picture occurs in a fictional city by the name of "mission city" which is complete with the skyline of downtown los angeles and a wilshire blvd. to boot. now, with all the special effects in the movie, why wouldn't they add or subtract a few buildings from the skyline or change the street sign so it doesn't read as "wilshire blvd.?" wait, what was i thinking? this movie is awesome! it features talking, alien robots that change into vehicles and make friends with social outcast humans!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

1 comment:

lee said...

lolz kate winslett is fat!