Tuesday, May 13, 2008

van blog

line beards; why aren't we making fun of these more? why is this even seen as an acceptable way to cultivate facial hair? who started this? was it a.j. mclean of my and your "backstreet boys" from like 1998? watch, i guarantee we will be creating websites, novelty t-shirts and horrible sitcoms dedicated to line beards, much like we did for the mullet some 5-10 years ago (when it was still hi-larious to make fun of mullets). we're also way behind the curve in cutesy nomenclature for line beards in the same ilk we have these nicknames for again - the mullets. you know, like "business in the front, party in the back," "the ape drape," etc. these are my proposals for the line beard: "faux beard," "sharpie shave," "guyliner" (yes, i know we already use this for the male emos and their eye liner but i think it fits best here - let the emos use "manscara"), "blurrrd" (because if you blur your eyes it looks like a real beard?), "douche beard," "stencil scruff," and/or the "van dyck" (because we already have the "van dyke" as a type of facial hair and the guys with line beards are usually "dicks." oh, and the blacks are exempt from all this - when you can pull off purple suits, viking helmets, neck tattoos, iced grills and leopard print penny loafers you can pretty much do whatever the heck you want.

so, the pope says it's okay to believe in aliens. well, considering the pope also mentally and/or physically masturbates to the idea of a jewish carpenter rising from the dead and literally flying up to heaven, it makes sense. i mean, at least he's consistent. but this isn't about xtian bashing (friend of the blog, big joe, already chastised me for blogging too much of this - and he was right). this is about aliens. see, i totally believe in aliens and just think they are over evolved humans from a planet further along than us. i think the agreed upon, most popular vision of an alien is the one with the huge head, huge eyes, little body, white/grayish/greenish skin and long fingers, right? well, if we just keep on evolving, this description is exactly where we'll be in like a million some years. see, i took a ton of anthropology classes in college and every physical characteristic aliens have is consistent with basic evolution and common sense. first off, as we evolved from cavemen, our heads grew and our bodies shrank and/or atrophied. i can't remember if our heads actually grew or if it just looks like that because our bodies shrank but, either way, we used our heads more and created technology so our bodies would do less work and thus, atrophied. secondly, i seem to remember something about intelligence in species being related to eye to head size ratio (i can't find anything in a rudimentary googling search that substantiates this, but still...). then, we're all becoming paler because we're spending less time outdoors because of computers and, in the future, because of the sun/pollution. and finally, if you look at all our technology it keeps getting smaller and smaller thus resulting in our fingers becoming longer and more spindly. see???? aliens = over evolved humans. simple science.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: "ton of anthropology classes" hardly qualifies as being able to draw the ridiculous conclusions ba dum BLOGger draws.

3 comments:

Colin said...

I think you've proven that aliens DON'T exist. All the reports of alien sightings are just humans time traveling from a million years in the future. Anthropology in the future doesn't involve digging up skeletons but instead makes use out of time traveling and abductions. I'm not sure if the anal probes are for pure scientific reasons or perhaps everyone in the future is gay.

ba dum BLOGger said...

again colin, your observations have trumped mine. connecting aliens to future anthropolgy = genius!!!

Krista said...

You were pretty close with the skull to eye ratio... i think you are talking about craniometry which was invented by Broca. Don't ask how i still remember that from school.