Monday, April 21, 2008

blog tooffs

we need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless. have i blogged on this before? anyway, i believe this will give your average, run of the mill hobo a modicum of dignity. how often do you see some poor, delusional, stinky derelict babbling to himself as he stares off into space? yet, if they had a blue tooth, you can just assume that they're having a traditional, two-sided cellular conversation discussing either their gym membership or their nephew's birthday. sure, it's only a band-aid and doesn't really help the homeless all that much but it helps alleviate some of our dweller's guilt and makes us feel better, right? and, let's face it, we'll never be able to give the homeless homes but we can always find new and effective ways to rationalize and make their existence more palatable and this is one of them. i'd like to start this charity. what could we call our charitable foundation? "blue tooths for one tooths," "a tooth in the ear is better than beer," "it's not acute dementia, just the blues!," and so on... on another note, is the plural "blue tooths" or "blue teeth?" or, more importantly, is it "blue tooth" or "blue tooff?" for more on this...http://www.urban-etiquette.net/2008/04/schizophrenic-or-wireless-headset.html

i've decided that i am russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes." for example, i've already successfully exposed "boom-chik-a-wa-wa" as trite, banal and hackneyed even. now, i shall retire "check please!" oh, it's hilarious, isn't it? any awkward or sexually explicit dinner table hijinx can be easily punctuated with a "check please!" you watch; any restaurant scene since the inception of the sitcom and/or motion picture utilizes this comedy staple. heck, even "seinfeld" has resorted to this and now it's even found it's way to reality tv such as in the thrilling finale of "the rock of love ii." really, should george costanza and bret michaels be using the same comedic material? this is exciting news with me being russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes" though, isn't it? and please, (i'm speaking to all you "ba dum blogateers") don't hesitate to bring to my attention any other one-liners that need to be sent to del boca vista and/or made the way of the bolsheviks.


there are like six comic book movies coming out this summer. i think there were probably five comic book movies in the past 20 years and now there's been like 152 since "spiderman." i'm sure one of the main reasons for this is that special effects are finally to the point where you can actually make these flying men in their leotards look somewhat realistic but i think the main reason is that there are just so many socially and sexually frustrated dorks out there. i'll admit i kinda' like comic book movies and i'm kinda' socially and/or sexually frustrated (i'll let you do the and/or math...) but this trend really speaks to what's going on in today's society. so many people feel like outcasts and their answer to this isn't to improve themselves organically but all these dweebs fantasize they'll empower themselves by getting bitten by a radioactive spider, beating up some bullies, getting the girl and saving the world - yes, the world!!! gone are the days of "teen wolf" where nerds are just content enough to dunk, play a confederate soldier in the school play and van surf. i guess batman doesn't really fall into this since he is kind of a self-made crime fighter (albeit, he lucked into the money part). but, then again, he's still got angst in spades.

am i missing something or is "alcoholics anonymous" not anonymous? isn't the first thing you say when you walk in: "hi, my name is larry and i'm an alcoholic"? that's the opposite of anonymity...he's "larry," not anonymous - "larry." i'm sure this is easily explained and i'm just not getting the point of it all but whatevs. speaking of which, any of you ever read "a million little pieces"? i liked that book. i don't care if it was a memoir, fiction or non-fiction. it was a good book. i guess the problem is that the dude poopooed the 12 steps of aa and totally cleaned himself up. hence, this made other degenerates think they didn't need the 12 steps either. so, i guess these losers used this guy's tough-guy, cold turkey approach to fighting alcoholism/druggyism and probably failed. well, i suppose it's like how serial killers shouldn't read "a catcher in the rye" maybe reprobates shouldn't read "a million little pieces" and in turn, i won't read "lolita."

ba dum BLOG!!!

3 comments:

Joe said...

...that's...what she said...

destroy this

Chucklyn said...

dude, you are abso-fucking-lutely hilarious!!

I'm going to back-link to your post from my Urban-Etiquette.net blog entitled Schizophrenic or Wireless Headset? since we're obviously on the same page about this, haha.

Courtney Smith said...

you need to read the sequel... my friend leonard. it's way better than the first one.