Monday, March 10, 2008

7 deadly blogs

amc plays old westerns, from like the 50s, every saturday morning and i'll often have them on in the background while i play scrabble or knock out a few games of solitaire. anywho, they're all pretty much the same: some john wayne-esque, rough around the edges, stiff as a board, rambling man dork will inevitably be paired up with some super-hott, corset wearing widower. of course, the guy always gets pissed because she's getting in the way of his lonesome solitude out on the range or in the wild frontier where he and his horse are just fine on their own. that's neither here nor there though because the part that rubs me is the tried and true western rape scene. there will come a point where the sexual tension is just too much for the old buckaroo to handle and he'll eventually violently grab the girl, wrestle her to the ground and forcibly start kissing and dry humping her. the poor lady will fight back too but once she's decidedly overpowered she'll give in and, next thing you know, they're boyfriend/girlfriend, have built a quaint little cabin and the little lady is happy as a clam. needless to say, the old west was AWESOME!!!

i have body dysmorphia because i grew up with my mom calling everyone "fat" so i try to go the gym on a semi-regular basis; i just do cardio though because i have a personality and don't need muscles. anyway, i love people watching at the gym - whether it be guys, girls, septuagenarians or even minorities. i'll often check out guys for their hairlines and compare them with my own and quietly judge the ones who obviously get dressed up specifically for the gym with their product in their hair and colour-coordinating outfits. but my favorite thing to do is my patented "girl to guy check out." for every single girl who walks by me while i'm on my precious elliptical i go face-to boobies-to camel toe-to butt and then i'll immediately look at any other guy in her path to see if he checks her out too and NOTHING. i can't be the only guy who is creepily leering at every girl in his line of vision, can i? don't say i'm just super obvious and they're subtle because i follow their eyes and they are so into their gay little workouts that they're oblivious to the world around them. i hate the gym.

yay, the catholic church just released their new 7 deadly sins! and, as a morally lucid and ethically uncorrupt apatheist, i'll break them down for all you lunatic, god-fearing mongoloids.
polluting: "an inconvenient truth" was a horrible movie and i'd rather watch ice melt - get it?!?!?! still, i believe in the environmental rhetoric and, even if global warming is fake we can all agree we need to treat motha' earff mo' betta.'
genetic engineering: i think this means cloning, which is more weird than wrong. i don't know...i don't realy understand this one.
obscene riches: isn't the vatican plated with gold and bedazzled to the high heavens? why doesn't the vatican sell their gold to the jews and turn that money into condoms for the africans?
taking drugs: i'm assuming this means "hard drugs." either way, all drugs are cool until you eat your gf's lung or lead a bunch of jews across the sahara.
abortion: not ethically wrong, necessarily, but definitely morally sloppy and irresponsible. and, all references to rape, incest or life-threatening pregnancies need to be aborted.
pedophilia: uhhhhh... well, first off, 16 and up isn't pedophilia - sorry it just isn't. it's more of a gross inconsistency betwixt biology and society. i'm sure society will win out at one point and our balls will quit dragging behind us but there's something wrong with me if i don't want to smell hermione's hair. however, true pedophilia is severely under served and should be second to only murder as far as jail sentencing goes. thank you bill o'reilly.
causing social injustice: i guess this is racism. however, i'm also lumping the gays into this at which point, you fuddy duddy catholics are hoisting yourself by your own homophobic, neolithic petards.

ba dum BLOG!!!

4 comments:

Colin said...

I'm so happy you talked about the new sins. As soon as I heard about it, you were the first person I thought about. It's amazing how times have changed in the last few millenia. Moses brought down the 10 Commandmenst on great stone tablets that got a kick ass box to roll around in. What do we get today? A press release. Religion sure ain't what it used to be.

popinjay07 said...

well said colin! i'm tempted to delete your comment and steal the genius "stone tablet/press release" analogy for myself. dammit, that was really clever..

Kelly said...

Um...I think you stole the pic of the vatican out of my Italy photo album...

Have fun playing solitaire.

Lee said...

what about 14 year olds?