Sunday, March 23, 2008

christ has died, blog has risen...

"pee-wee's big adventure" is my favorite movie of all-time so, maybe i'm biased, but i've always resented the fact that pee-wee's genius has never been fully realized because of one little incident. yes, he played solitaire in an adult movie theater - so what, that's what you do there, right? it's as normal as buying stamps at a post office or getting food poisoning at an asian buffet. and, as legend would tell it, pee-wee's incident occurred while visiting the 'rents in florida. parents are a stressful, overbearing bunch, as we all know, and pee-wee just needed to blow off a little steam. besides, this was before the internets - we take our easy access to porn for granted. although, the notion of the adult movie theaters of yore is quite the vexing situation. was it really how it sounds; a a dark room of cushioned seats filled with self-indulgent perverts? how long were the movies - 10, 15, 20 minutes??? was their a concession stand of jergens, napkins and/or gym socks??? if i had a time machine, this is where i'd go.

has anyone else seen the show "high school reunion" on the tv land? well, it's like the "real world" for 40-year-olds where all they do is eat, drink and get put into awkward positions by the meddling producers/rabblerousers (i think i'd like to be a producer for a reality show). they also identify the players with labels such as "the stud," "the fag," "the popular girl," etc. anyway, this show is fantastic and, if you choose to watch, please take note of "the bully" and how he either has two plates of food or two beers in his hands at all times. i've also decided if i were on the show my distinction would be "the irrelevant" because i wasn't cool enough to hang with the cool kids or dorky enough to be made fun of by them. except for this one time, when i overheard one of the popular fella's saying "i don't like that pat guy. he says all this crazy shit and thinks he's funny, but he's not. he's weird." needless to say, i was ecstatic - seriously though.

i live a block off ventura blvd. where there are oodles and oodles of ma and pop stores, strip malls and restaurants. i do not understand how any of these places stay in business. it's seriously beyond me. i, for one, hate ma and pop stores because the minute you walk in they are all up in your grill trying to help you when all you wanna do is just browse and try on funny glasses and look in the mirror. however, doughnut shops are the most confusing to me ( i refuse to use "donut" because it is the only word in the english language born out of store owners inability to afford signs with eight letters as opposed to five). are we really consuming enough doughnuts to account for one a block or one a strip mall? they're gross too; super dense, doughy confections slathered in greasy, sugary icing...blech. and don't get me started on the jelly-filled ones - the only thing i want dry on the outside and gooey on the inside is a woman, thank you.

hey lunatics, happy easter!!! you read that story about the crazy fillipinos who crucify themselves every easter weekend just for jesus? and, how about the thousands of brain-dead, easter-bonnetted tourists who flock to this event? oh boy!!! seriously people, can we please move on from religion? i know i harp on this a lot but i seriously believe i have the answers and all this nonsense is driving me mad. and, don't say "these are only the extremists" because all of you morons are walking around with crosses around your necks and bowing down to statues of poor ol' jesus nailed to the cross everyday. i beg of you: live for yourselves, live for your friends, live for your families and live for today all whilst being the nicest person possible all while helping the most people possible - and, if you're entertaining enough to do so, BLOG!!! no more pandering to spiteful, insecure warlocks in the clouds who demand your time and money all in exchange for a super, happy terrific afterlife filled with the righteous and the boring. and please, tell me what easter eggs and easter bunnies have to do with jesus. k, thanks, bye!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

1 comment:

Ethan said...

Bravo my old friend. The fact that you've seen this blog thing through and continue to write fresh shit is worthy of a prop point. How many now till you get that Ford Focus? Anyways, just droppin by to say hi,oh and fuck you. Can't forget that.