Tuesday, August 12, 2008

flying blog monster

nobody would ever accuse me of being a proponent for scientology yet, it's utterly riwangulous when people bag on it like it's any nuttier than any other religion. simply put: it's newer. that's it. it's no crazier than christianity, hinduism, judaism, islam or the flying spaghetti monster. just look at scientology's origin story as compared to the judeo-christian yarn of yore. in scientology, xenu was some alien warlord who flew his minions to earth on a spaceship and 'xploded them in a volcano with their souls or thetans escaping and now embodying human beings. while, in judeo-christian lore, god created earth and its animals in six days while, on that seventh day, god made man out of dirt, gave him a soul and then made woman out of one of man's ribs. judeo-christian tales even have their own cosmic battle where it culminates with god kicking lucifer out of heaven and forcing him to set up shop in hell. really, the only difference is that, when the bible was written, the imagination was not sophisticated enough nor had it stretched into the actual science and/or pseudo science of outer space. for all intents and purposes, "heaven" and "hell" are the planets while "angels" and "demons" are the aliens. i could go on forever and get into it with all the similarities betwixt weird rituals, tithings and property scandals but i'm really squeezed for space.

speaking of cosmic battles, i may finally be turning the corner on the 'book in regards to its relation to the 'space. now, i'll maintain that the 'space is still a superior social networking site but the 'book is growing on me. not because of anything the 'book is doing, per se, but because of its growing popularity and proclivities amongst my own internets hoi polloi i'm finding my time shifting more towards the 'book. so, basically since a majority of my friends like it more i'm being forced to indulge as to keep up my internets’ relations. i just hate those dagnab networks and how they automatically prohibit me from cruisin' people's profiles. sure, myspace has their "private profiles" but that's a choice, not a built in, anti-stalking roadblock. the only bone i'll throw the 'book as being legitimately better is the "poke" feature. that's how i can tell if a girl wants to go to first base with me; if i poke and they poke back... i'm in! as a compromise, i'll admit that the 'book is better for networking amongst your actual friends while the 'space is better for stalking and keeping tabs on those you don't want to explicitly make privy you're keeping tabs on them. and, let's face it... these sites weren't created to keep friends with those you'd otherwise be keeping in touch with in the real world but for those of us who need their curiosities fed without picking up the phone or doing lunch.

a chum o' mine is about to become a father, and by proxy of his wifey being more affluently apt, a stay at home dad! i am soooo jealous of him. i can't wait to become a dad and, be it by lady, by petree dish or by namibia, i can only hope that i can be lucky enough to be a stay at home dad. see, the thing about being a parent is that it's the perfect cop-out for not doing anything meaningful with your life. kids are the proverbial blown out knee or torn rotator cuff in the ol' texas leagues. sure, i could've made the big leagues or could've made perez hilton the old ba dum BLOGger but no can do; i'm a dad! instead, i've parlayed my lack of ambition, drive, work ethic and fulfilling of dreams into colouring books, "blue's clues," macaroni and cheese, soccer practice and disneyland. i've failed at making myself happy so now i'll make my kid(s) happy. and, you know what people will say to all this??? awwww, what a great dad! when, in reality, i just couldn't cut it in the real world and am now reliving my own lost childhood in neverland like peter pan amongst his lost boys.

editor's note: yes, the next bit was previously posted but is much more timely and relevant now than it was the month ago it was originally blogged. as the editor, i'll fall on this redundant sword.

the olympics are here!!! woohooo... NOT!!! really, who watches the olympics? all the olympics are is a collection of sporting events that nobody, i mean NOBODY, cares about and then we're expected to tune in every four years all in the name of patriotism? like i've said before, i like america and am glad to have been born here but you won't see me waving the american flag or crying during the national anthem. being born an american is just as random as being born an albino, an alligator or, appropriately enough, an albino alligator. besides, why should i root for america? america is like that perfect guy in high school who was the star of the football team, got straight a's, got all the hot chicks and, ultimately, was a big fat jerk. you don't root for that guy. you have nothing in common with that guy. you don't want to see him succeed. you are jealous of this guy. in fact, you are filled with hypocritical glee when you see him lose the high school championship game to the rival team filled with their own collection of perfect jerks (ccs playoffs, hollister def. palma, best night of my hs life). that's why i've decided i'm hitching my train to jolly ol' england for the olympic games: brits are squirrelly looking, have bad teeth, have great command of the queen's english, can't cook, have horrible complexions, have fantastic senses of humour and were basically dumped, rejected and successfully beaten by america... just like me - ba dum BLOGger!

ba dum BLOG!!!


Blog Queen said...

great posts...all of them. Your site popped up on mine thanx to blog upp.

johnnyC said...

I've said the very same thing about Scientologists on many occassions. In fact, I'd argue that Scientologists have a much more believable origin story since more people have seen Aliens than Jesus. You don't see Jesus crash landing in New Mexico circa 1944, do you?