we're all gonna blog!

we're all gonna die! i'm going to die, you're going to die and it could even happen later on today. this may be the last blog i'll ever blog and the last blog you'll ever read the first three sentences of before moving on to your favourite porno movie internet website of choice. this just dawned on me and has depressed me to know ends. see, if you're religious and believe in an afterlife it's not so bad because you'll be moving on to the proverbial "better place" where you'll be riding flying unicorns to alternate universes with your grandparents and freddie mercury. on a tangential note, why is it only a "better place" and not the "best place?" i think even the most zealous of the religious zealots can only muster up a "better" because they know poor ol' aunt gertie is merely only "better" off six feet in the ground in lieu of all bed sored up, grafted to her couch with her dozen or so tabbies roaming her one bedroom apartment - even they wouldn't dare put "best" on a hypothetical fantasy.

anyway, as i was blogging, the scenario that religion has cooked/made up with your consciousness somehow seeping out of your dead skull and being cosmically transferred to some happy land of the dead is ridiculous, right? we're just machines and once our heart stops pumping blood and our brains stop firing off synapses that's it - there's no spirit, there's no soul, there's no awareness; it's only perpetual darkness which isn't even really perpetual or dark because there's no cognizance to even know or not know of anything, dark or otherwise. ohhhh ironical christ, that's depressing! sure, religion's way feels good and is comforting but it's a fairy tale and is f'n crazy and insulting. if i were told i was gonna die tomorrow, it's not like i'm gonna go to disneyland donning a peter pan suit and rape tinkerbell in the middle of the parade if i don't have the figurative carrot of heaven or hell dangling in front of me. i mean, it might not even be rape if she was down, right? or, is an intended rape always rape regardless of the subject's willingness, unbeknownst to your already decided action? i guess that'd be like coveting, right? or, is it like stealing a washer or dryer left out on the curb before its owner has a chance to put the "free" sign on it. gee, i wish there was some all-knowing, intergalactic king of morality and ethics to answer these question.

so, what next? how am i supposed to live knowing i may not wake up tomorrow morning and not even know i'm dying when i die or am dead when i'm dead? should i quit my job, should i plant a tree, should i take all the edible contents from my kitchen, put them in a blender and guzzle my concoction down? but seriously, what could one possibly do to break out from their prison of routine and ennui when they have the prospect of death looming over them every single second? like, a hundred people just died while i blogged that last sentence. what do we do with that? i guess this is what human kind faced during the dawn of the religion they made up and figured they needed to manufacture a "better place" for us to look forward to because we'd all go crazy and blog ridiculous, rambling blogs and/or rape tinkerbell, otherwise. so, what are you gonna do tomorrow when, by the grace of god, you wake up not dead? will you live your life to the fullest and find your "happy place?" or, will you forever be cursing yourself where you can't even really curse yourself in the dark perpetude that's not even dark perpetude when you've just read this last sentence and deal with the unpalatable possibility that this may be... the... last... word ... you'll... ever... read.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the aggro blog

since when did thai food become the end all and be all of eat-out cuisine? i'd be fine if thai food was like the sixth or seventh resort after fast, american, mexican, italian, chinese, sushi, soul, etc. but it's all of a sudden rocketed to the top for no reason other than it's trendy and exotic. for one thing, it sounds a bit too much like "typhoid" for my liking but, even more importantly, it's not that great. it tastes like weird chinese food with an unsettling array of herbs and spices or something; i can't even rightly describe it. other than m. bison or sagat, i can't even name a single human being from the land of thai... how can thai food be this popular if there aren't even any thai people? (okay, i just wikipedia'd it and the only names i recognized are eldrick woods and johnny damon and they're only half/quarter breeds.) i could even blog the same thing for indian food with its unwarranted popularity, trendiness and even more unpalatable taste but at least i know of indian people. not to mention, if it wasn't for indian food, chris colombo never would've found america, would he? on the other hand, if it wasn't for thailand, we wouldn't have the popluar anthropological documentary series, "chicks with dicks."

there's much ballyhoo over last night's "thrilling" conclusion of "the bachelor." now, i don't watch the show nor do i care about what went down last night but i am familiar with the concept and have more than a few things to blog about as it pertains. now, if i were "the bachelor," i'd make it explicitly and/or implicitly known that the elimination process would be as simple as this (let's say it's a 12 week process): week one is first base, week two is second base, week three is third base, week four is home plate, week five is role playing, week six is knife play, week seven is scat, week eight is rough trade, week nine is just watching, week ten is your sister, week eleven is helping me move to my third story flat with no elevator in 95 degree heat and week twelve is oatmeal. and, if you chose not to participate in the week's theme then you will NOT receive a rose - it's that simple. face it, you're not going to find your "soul mate" so why not use this once in a lifetime opportunity, where you hold all the power, to run these gals through your own personal, sexual aggro crag? "d-d-d-do you have 'em - GUTS!"

everyone's got the travel bug; they're going to guam, they're going to italy, they're going to tibet, they're going to chile and i couldn't be less impressed. maybe i'm too provincial, jingoistic or lame but, i cannot think of a more stressful and horrifying experience than jet setting to some strange second or third world country all in the name of "adventure," "culture," and "pretention." if i'm not worried about what i'm going to eat than i'm worried about not speaking the language. if i'm not scared of getting kidnapped, then i'm scared of getting a disease. if i'm not stressed over keeping my itinerary, then i'm stressed over not packing enough socks. besides, these vacations aren't even vacations; you return more tired with more things to catch up on with less money to do it with than if you would've simply just stayed holed up in your room playing internet scrabble, watching "degrassi: the next generation" and blogging, like me. and, from where i blog, there are only two places in the whole world worth traveling to, anyway: las vegas and, of course, disneyland. las vegas is one of the only places where you can actually return with more money than what you left with and disneyland... well, that goes without blogging.

before this year, i could never take naps. ever since i was a baby i refused and, in preschool, my parents would have to pick me up early before we were confined to our cots during "naptime." once, they were late, and i threw a conniption to end all conniptions. anywho, at 26, i may have actually somewhat turned the corner on naps. albeit, i'm still a little embarrassed and disappointed in myself for giving into daytime slumber in lieu of being a productive and functioning adult human being. however, it sure can hit the spot! for now, my napping only occurs as a remedy to the night's previous overnight drunk but i am willing to give it a shot as it pertains to general boredom and ennui. what i don't get though is the scheduled power nap of which is squeezed into a time sensitive window. my napping occurs only on accident though, when i'm laying on my bed, watching tv. for example, i have colleagues who retreat to their car to nap during our one hour, company mandated lunch break. i also have friends who will retreat to their beds at 7pm before going out at 9pm. in both these scenarios i'd be so stressed out and concerned with falling asleep, yet not oversleeping, that i'd work myself up into a restless fit. the moral to this blog: don't catch z's, let z's catch you or... don't saw logs, blog blogs!

ba dum BLOG!!!

the buffalo blogs

if you really think about it, the concept of tighty-whities is quite the fallacious enterprise. i think they've been pretty much phased out by now, except for in novelty/comedic purposes, but tighty-whities were pretty much the standard for men’s undergarments for at least fifty years. of course, there are also boxers, but that’s a whole ‘nother bit of ridiculousness… that i can’t resist tangentalizin' on. i’ll be brief (pun INTENDED!), but i’ve tried wearing boxers a few times and they got all twisted around my trunk with half a leg sucked up into my abyss all whilst my elvis was floppin’ around in a perpetual leather stage. needless to say, boxers didn't quite cut the mustard but i digress… see, i’m not so bumped by the “tighty,” it’s the “whitey” that gets me. there are just waaay too many things that could go wrong down there in the "milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made" variety of which could compromise the “whitey” aspect of the “tighties.” that’s why i propose that all unmentionables should be of a reddish brown colour. no blood, no foul, right? "whitey" is setting waaay too "tighty" of a precedent with little to no margin for error. you wouldn’t wear white to a spaghetti dinner nor would you make brown toilet paper. let’s keep this world colour appropriate, people.

i can't count how many times i've been bro'n down with the homies, flippin' through the channels on a lazy saturday when the consensus demands we nest on telemundo for un momento during one of their poolside, bikini shows. or, i'll be casually making fun of their goofy tella novellas, as is "the soup's" wont, and a dude bra' will pervishly remark "yeah, but how hot are the chicks?" "not at all!," i say/blog. and, i get chastised for this. they're tacky and gross; fake boobs, big hair, layers of makeup and thick thighs a pretty lady does not make. i have nothing against mexicans either; there are plenty of classy, attractive mexican gals like penelope cruz, j-lo and even bjork. sure, i may sound like a racist but this point is analogous to my opinions of the "rock of love: bang bus" ladies. you can say the same exact things about them with all the fake boobs and makeup. obviously, american tv is just as bad but i don't hear anyone ever espousing the beauty of daisy or heather the 40-year-old stripper.

you ever stop and think about what's going on with the nomenclature of futbol americano's buffalo bills? first off, the very man they're named for, "buffalo" bill cody, received his "buffalo" moniker for his prowess in killing buffaloes. yet, the buffalo bills' mascot and logo are of a buffalo which undermines the man in which they're named for. effectively, they've chosen to treat their team bass ackwards with their identity representing the name of the city while the nickname is more or less an absentee placeholder. also, if you're familiar with o.j. simpson's bills of the 60's, you'd know that their indelible logo was a silhouette of a red buffalo which looked suspiciously like a bloodied buffalo carcass after "buffalo" bill cody had just shot and skinned it (violent o.j. parallels INTENDED!). you'd think the mascot/logo should be of "buffalo" bill cody and not the creature he just about single-handedly wiped off the continent. lastly, the city of buffalo was not even named for buffaloes the animal (they never even lived there!) but for a crude translation of beau fleuve, the french word for "beautiful river," after early settlers feasted their beady, frog eyes on the niagara river. then, to top it off, sources close to ba dum BLOGger have revealed that the niagara river isn't even "beautiful," but rather is a dried up, muddy crick. no wonder the bills lost four straight super bowls...

ba dum BLOG!!!

top 10 hottest chicks of all time: vol. 2

so, like i was saying... this is the second volume of my "top 10 hottest chicks of all time" blog. i originally blogged the first version on my 'space blog of yore and this doesn't replace the original top 10 nor is it merely an addendum, but a reimagining or, a reinvigoration, of sorts. again, i'll also try to stay away from the cliche, boring choices that you'll find on some lame maxim list. also, don't look too much into the order - there really is no rhyme or reason why "lady a" is above "lady b;" it's all happenstance and hand jobs, really. yeah, so that's that... it's a pretty self-explanatory list: these are gals that i wouldn't mind heavy petting (above or beneath clothes), dry and/or wet humping, taking to disneyland or eating their lung (thank you, big lurch http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Lurch.org/wiki/Big_Lurch).

10. shailene woodley

and, no... she is NOT yet 18, thank you very much. see, she's one of the gals i'd take to disneyland in lieu of the various forms of second base i'll be imagining myself doing with the other ladies listed. if you didn't know, she's the chick in that "secret life of the american teen" show on the abc family where her character is with child. shailene's inclusion raises an interesting philosophical question: is it less creepy or creepier that she's got a bun in the oven? with that said, i definitely find her hotter with the pillow strapped to her belly. but, to answer the question, i'd contend it's less creepy since she isn't really the youngest one in the picture anymore.

9. lo bosworth

she is a complete afterthought when it come to the ladies of "the hills." and, while most would say i'm being a contrairion in listing her above the likes of l.c., audrina and the legitimately ugly hedi, i believe that there's something about her big ears, crossed eyes and hooked nose that makes her a natural, albeit flawed, beauty. another thing, lo's character is commonly construed as being the "bitch" of the group however, this is only because she's the lone gal with a modicum of personality and brains among these vapid and vacuous vixens previously mentioned.

8. kristen kruek

***SPOILER ALERT***

since i'm kinda' sorta' half racist and a whole lot racial, kristin kreuk will be the only gal of colour on my list. and, fittingly enough, she is only half "gal of colour," herself. as it were and is, she is half white and half chinese - NEAT! that's all i really have to say about her... i've never really seen any of her shows or anything. i more or less only know of her from her neutrogena commercials. oooh, she is playing the new chun li, though!

7. betty draper

nope, not january jones, but her namesake on television's "mad men," betty draper, has made the list. see, it's the conglomeration of the frustrated housewife and all the '60's garb that really gets me going. i just love the hair, the dresses and all the oppressive underwears of the granny panties and cone brassier persuasion. and, to keep with the theme of the character and not the person, there was no hotter moment in television than mrs. draper's adulterous turn when she took a man in the bar lavatory in the season two finale of "mad men"... oooh, la and la!

6. ginnifer goodwin

this blog is about to take a decided turn for the blonde, skinny and young and i thought we needed a thirty-year-old, round faced brunette to serve as the proverbial calm before the storm. see, this girl is just pure spunk and, in the words of lou grant, "i hate spunk" (but really, he likes it...). anywho, ginnifer and i go all the way back to "ed" (the bowling alley lawyer, not the baseball playing monkey) where she played a geeky, bespectacled teen who may or may not have had intercourse with the mac jerk. and now, she's a perpetually pregnant, polygamous piece in "big love" - RAD.

5. olivia palermo

see, i usually eschew beauty for cute but there is just something about this lady that breaks through all my normal perversions and predilections. her features are just so goshdarn angular and striking you really can't take your eyes away from her; she's like a geometrist's nocturnal emission. oh, in case you've been living in a cave underneath the ocean (thank you, a-roid), she's a former new york city "it gal" and the bitch (HUGE bitch) in "the hills" spinoff, "the city." you watch, if you actually frequent "the city," you'd notice that whoever has the misfortune of sharing screentime with her gets a doughy faced, chinless makeover. poor whitney, she's gone from a 7.5 to a 6.1 :0(

4. emma watson

holy mackerel, hermione has aged well! it is definitely a rare and noteworthy occasion when a lady actually looks better at 18 than at 16 and please note that it's been noted first at http://www.blogger.com/www.badumblog.vlogspot.com. although, she does have a little bit of that thick browed, strong jawed look that afflicts so many englanders although, it offsets her youthful glow nicely for the perfect meeting betwixt maturity and... um, post-pubescence. also, please give me props and/or kudos for not resorting to any trite "wand" humour, spank you.

3. miriam mcdonald

who am i talking aboot? well, if you were from america's hat (canada), you'd know this gal as emma nelson, the star of "degrassi: the next generation." at 21, she is the antithesis of the gal previous, meaning, yes, she was, in fact, hotter at 16. nevertheless, she's still a fine piece of bronzed, blonde canadian arse and we can only hope she makes the jump from the ctv to the cw. meanwhile, we can still watch repeats of "degrassi" where her adventures take her anywhere from meeting her retarded biological father to contracting ghonorrhea from jay hogart down at the ravine. oh, canada...

2. bella thorne

hear me out!!! yes, she's only 12 *cringe* but i must harken back to a ba dum blogger who was only a sophomore in high school when he saw a 12-year-old lindsay lohan in "the parent trap" and proclaimed to his pal(s), "you watch, this gal and her british twin sister are gonna' be the cat's pajamas in couple of few..." and did my friends agree or give props and/or kudos? nay, they mocked me and deemed me a "pervert!" and now, i'll bring it up and no one even remembers or believes my foresight since it wasn't documented like i'm documenting this. see, i know these things and should be a casting director of some sort so we don't have the same unfortunate occurance that took place in "the wonder years" where winnie cooper aged from a cute kid to a square faced, broad shouldered not-so-attractive teenager. for more information, i blogged about this lady in a less creepy and more informative manner during the infant stages of badumblog http://badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/soulja-blog.html.
postscript: my roommate, david a. diano agrees with this observation and accepts this listing in the non-pedophilic spirit in which it's intended and presented, thank you.

1. taylor swift

fine, this pick may be a bit trendy and on the nose but i don't care; ba dum blogger likes himself some taylor swift! sure, with her beady eyes and slight overbite, she bares a more than a striking resemblance to the inbred, possum-faced, bango strummin' retard from "deliverance" but i believe in nuance and there is no more nuanced of a machine than that of a mind which can juxtapose and draw upon two such seemingly dissimilar things all in the name of raw, animalistic attraction. id est and/or ergo: ba dum blogger is an f'n genius who ironically blogs in the third blogger.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we're back biZZnatches!!!

****BONUS QUESTION***

what do 2/3 of these ladies have in common? hint: it's an example of one of ba dum blogger's favorite literary devices.

ba dum DUNZO?!?!?

i don't know... i may be all out of blog. it just got to a point where i'd get sick to my stomach looking back at blogs blogged prior. they're just so shamelessly self-indulgent and the strange, all too real, dichotomy of "narcissistic self-loathing" was really starting to wear on my already fragile psyche. i'm in the midst of a crisis of faith. besides, how much more of ba dum... I HATE RELIGION!!!, ba dum... I'M BALDING!!!, ba dum... GIRLS HATE ME!!!, ba dum... PUNS!!!, ba dum... TURNS OF PHRASE!!!, ba dum... ENGLISH ORTHAGROPHY!!!, ba dum... I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!!, ba dum... THINLY VEILED RACISM FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES!!! could you really stand?

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we'll be back soon, maybe later, possibly better than ever, perhaps worse than ever or... never again.

blog nauseam

while you’ve read me blog ad nauseam in regards to how lame religion is, i must admit that i understand and can appreciate the whole communal aspect of the weekly (weakly?) church experience. sure, the idea of sitting/standing/kneeling for over an hour while offering praise and thanks to a vengeful and insecure god all in the name of reaching salvation (ie saving your arse) is the epitome of irrational, divisive and non-productive behaviour but that’s beyond the point at this juncture. however, the idea of making friends and connecting with like-minded people is a very rewarding and worthwhile experience. this is why i’ve fallen in love with my new, sunday ritual of frequenting a local bar that acts as the primary meeting place for displaced san francisco 49er fans in la. and, because of its striking similarities, i jokingly refer to this activity as “going to church.” sure, the idea of blindly rooting and for a particular pair of laundry over another, just because that’s what you know and is what your father and grandfather have done before you, is just as irrational and silly yet, at the same time, sports often doesn’t bleed into or interfere with the non-sports fan’s life in the same way religion does to the rational – unless, of course, you count 60 minutes being preempted an intrusion. anyway, this 49er bar is FANTASTIC! we all cheer together, boo together, curse together, get drunk together, complain together and often times even argue together. heck, we all dress the same too. it’s everything church is but better. and, if anyone contends that praying to a statue of a dead guy on a cross is more communal, spiritual and uplifting than watching football then they haven’t been one of fifty drunken voices swearing at a television screen. besides, the odds are infinitely better that joe montana will walk through my front door, give me a high five and ask to use my bathroom than moribund, ol' jesus appearing in my hash browns and asking me to sacrifice/murder/slaughter my one and only son just to massage his father's ego. with that said, i choose to worship at the altar of joe cool over jesus creep-o. still though, i’m not an atheist so i do allow for some belief of one, almighty and intelligent designer and i find no better evidence for this than america’s most popular pastime not-so-coincidentally occurring at the same time as most church services of which kiss the ass of a make believe, man made “god.”

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"those bloggers"

i was listening to adam carolla's radio show the other day, as is my wont, and he mentioned how when, or even if, barack o'bama won the presidency that the blacks would have nothing more to complain about since they already have the highest paid movie star (will smith), tv star (oprah), athlete (tiger woods, 4/17s black) and person under 25 (lebron james). again, i'm not racist but racial and all things pertaining to race are of great interest to me. see, this is especially relevant because all "those peoples'" earnings are based solely on our, the general hoi poloi's, support and positive reaction towards them as entertainers and people. it's not like it's a bill gates or a warren buffet where their affluence is based upon creating or developing a product or as someone who brilliantly invests in a product. nay, "those people," who i mentioned earlier, are the product; their talent, their personalities, their likability and their popularity are what's earning them their moneys. of course, i'm sure adam carolla was only half kidding when he brought this up because he, and sane minded people, are well aware of the struggles generations before and the current generation face everyday but still, this is a very telling observation and a sign of great progress (as i pat my honky self on the back). i even jokingly brought this point up to a coworker of colour and, while he genuinely laughed at first, he turned serious and said "now, if we can only get our reparations." like, woah... reparations is a scary subject for whities like me. i wimped out and didn't even respond because my belief on reparations is this; like marriage, communism and the xfl - great in theory but nearly impossible in practice and with a high propensity for tragedy. who would get the money? how much money would one get? where would the money come from? how would egypt pay back the jews? and so on and so on... sure, slavery was a HUGE and unconscionable injustice which also acted as the shoulder blade, if not the backbone, of america's development as a country and rise to prominence but... but... really, i don't know and feel very uncomfortable even blogging about it. but i digress, and what i really wanted to blog from the very beginning was that, with o'bama's bid for the presidency, we are going to hear a new battle cry from whence any whitey is ever accused of being a racist in the form of "hey, i'm not racist... i voted for o'bama!" you watch, regardless of if the person voted for o'bama, mcain or nader this will replace "hey, i saw "sowordfish," in the theaters, JUST to see halle berry's boobies" to become the new escape hatch for all alleged racists.

ba dum BLOG!!!