ho, ho, blog

now, of course, the bible's xmas story never happened and is a complete act of fiction but that doesn't mean it's not interesting and that some aspects of it aren't at least blog worthy, right? one of my favourite parts of the story involves the three wisemen. so, these fellas see some star in the sky of which heralds the birth of the saviour and they decide to schlep across the desert bearing gifts (more on these "gifts" later). however, these wisemen aren't all that wise because, while they may know about the star, they don't know where jesus is being birthed. this leads them to jerusalem where they ask king herrod where the messiah is being born. of course, king herrod isn't even aware that a messiah is being born but his officials knew enough of the fairytale within the fairytale to know that it would all be going down in bethlehem. unfortunately, the not-so-wisemen weren't prescient enough to realize that king herrod was a nut and would be jealous of a new king. and, of course, this leads herrod to have all baby boys within the vicinity of bethlehem, two years and under, to be slaughtered. good looking out, wisemen!!! i also like how the "two years and under" part suggest that the wisemen were a few years late to the birth... i mean, lolzzz, right? then there's the gifts... and what did these men of infinite knowledge bestow upon the son of god? gold, frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh. yes, myrrrrrrrrrh. lame-o!!! talk about the proverbial coal in the stocking. sure, maybe joseph could take the gold to the pawn shop but frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh? how about a rattle, a tickle-me-elmo or a schtickle of nouget? frankincense is like perfume and myrrrrrrh is an embalming oil for, you know, like dead people. maybe the myrrrrrrh is for all the dead baby carcasses on the hands of the wisemen. three wisemen??? more like the three stooges!!!

call me a scrooge or a shylock but i only buy xmas presents for the five people i will be seeing on xmas; of whom are my mom, dad, brother, grandma and grandpa. that's it, i'm sorry. and i buy them hella presents - like, hella good presents. i spoil them and i know them well enough so i know exactly what to spoil them with. it's a good, capitalistic time had by all. i don't buy my neighbours presents, i don't buy my colleagues presents, i don't buy my friends presents and i don't buy my mailman presents. i'm not going to waste my time and money on generic chatskie like snowglobes, cheese wheels and/or blockbuster gift cards. i even refuse to participate in something as innocuous as a "secret santa" because i can't deal with the awkwardness of receiving things from people who do not know me well enough to get me something i'd actually like and be grateful for. of course, every year i'll invariably get a gift from a friend, a neighbour, a colleague and/or a mailman and this is what i call "the gift of guilt." even if the gift was good, which it never is, i'll feel more guilt than anything else because i have NOTHING for you. i have enough self-inflicted, well-deserved guilt as it is and don't need to be bogged down by superfluous and completely unnecessary guilt. but really, why do these people continue to offer up empty little, meaningless trinkets to acquaintances? does this make them feel good about themselves? maybe they don't have a bomb-ass family like mine to spoil. or, most likely, i'm probably just a colossal douchebag - like the bad kind, not the hygienic kind.

more fun with the xmas story!!! please, consider the ballad of the innkeeper. yes, the fabled innkeeper of yore who had the chutzpa to send away a panicked husband and his ready to burst, virgin wife (nope still hadn't schtuped her! yes, joseph is probably the biggest schlemiel in the history of life.) who is, oh btw, carrying the son of god! do you think joseph mentioned this as he was pleading their case to the innkeeper? i could just picture mary shrieking from their amniotic fluid soaked camel, "TELL HIM I'M CARRYING THE MESSIAH!!!" this reminds me of the scene in "curb your enthusiasm" when cheryl is demanding that larry tell the hostess of a crowded restaurant that he's the co-creator of "seinfeld" in order to get a table. anyway, do you think the inn was really all out of rooms? i tend to think not. i'd bet that the innkeeper didn't want one of his rooms all gooed up by the miracle of birth. really, can this story get any more jewish? you have your nebbish husband, your domineering wife who thinks their son is perfect (LITERALLY PERFECT) and a super cold and heartless businessman who only cares about the almighty dollar. have neil simon or woody allen done this yet? i also like to imagine that there's some sort of afterlife where like minds from different eras are able to freely discuss life's great happenings. for example, i'd love to be a fly on the wall when ol' connie hilton, howard johnson and the innkeeper talk shop:
connie hilton: you mean to tell me you sent away the virgin mother and the son of god to be birthed in a manger?!?!?!?
howard johnson: did i mention that i led the league in hr and rbi in 1991?
the inkeeper: (imagine the voice of jackie mason) i mean, c'mon... the old messiah trick??? i may have been born at night but not last night. besides, i had just purchased new linen. do you know how much linen cost in 1 ad israel??? white linen - thirty-two-count white linen!!!

you know that song, "baby, it's cold outside" is about date rape, right? well, it is and if you carpool with me you can stop reading right now because you've heard the same twelve minute, detailed rant on the subject whenever the song comes on the radio. basically, this guy and gal are on some sort of a date at the creep's bachelor pad, the night is winding down, the gal says she gots to go and the guy rebuffs each one of the girl's excuses with a creepy, "but baby, it's cold outside..." here are the lyrics if you don't believe me with the most incriminating lines highlighted (or, is it highlit?).
i really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
i've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
this evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
so very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
my mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
my father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
so really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)
the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell (i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)
both:baby it's cold out side
i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)
my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delicious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunt's mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicious)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)
i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got pneumonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)
both: baby it's cold outside
the cad puts something in this poor gal's drink!!! it's plain as day!!! YUCK!!! i mean, really, could this guy be any creepier? he just won't take "no" for an answer and only gets somewhere after he offers her a doctored drink. he won't even let her finish a sentence! how is it that no women groups have stumbled upon this??? and, as a man with zero game, i refuse to believe there was nothing in her drink and his creeptastic advances were enough to bed this nice young lady. i guess that's what offends me most - i am a sad and lonely man :0(

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 11

oh, how i love the energy and alacrity that kelly #1 brings to the pod and you will too! really though, our chemistry is something to behold... like a podcast, a million times less funny version of jerry and elaine. so, in today's pod we discussed our master cleanse diet, liverwurst, kelly's psycho friend "the orange grimace," our work softball team and my wish to be orphaned. but more importantly, this pod precipitated my virgin forray into the online dating world; not to find a gf or get laid really but to follow through on the original podding plan to pod pods with kely #1 detailing my awful dates. so, here's my plenty o'fish "worm" and we'll see if i get any "bites"... LOLZZZ. but now i feel guilty because i might be going out with these fish just for the sole purpose of podding a pod about bad dates. then again, the pod comes first and dignity and common human decency comes a distant second and third.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 10

hey, everyone!!! my guest this pod was leeroy mcdole... a-gain. we podded about 9/11 (not so timely since this is being posted a week later) "the honeymooners" (even less timely) and my crappy job (very timely). oh, and i hope you enjoy my new habit of incessant lip smacking of which i have developed for no reason in particular. actually, upon further review, i think it had to do with the god awful drink i concocted with rum, mai tai mix, grenadine and cherry coke zero. yuck! and, in case you're keeping score at home, we did NOT go to pineapple hill after the pod and instead opted to watch "ace ventura: pet detective" on the tv. really, how great was that movie? it's very underrated and doesn't get the credit it deserves... probably the best display of physical comedy since buster keaton (even untimelier!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

the best of the worst of ba dum BLOG!!!

We're celebrating the two year, six month, and fourteen day anniversary of ba dum BLOG!!! by blogging (copy and pasting) a best of blog. there's a few reasons for this. firstly, i'm trying to climb out of the doldrums of my most recent blogger's block by revisiting some of my "best" work in hopes of inspiration. secondly, i've been applying to some writing/blogging jobs of which ask for "writing samples." hi, prospective employers! and lastly, i'm a narcissist. so, here you are... 25,26 or 27 (i lost count) of the very best of the very worst that ba dum BLOG!!! has to offer.

in kinda sorta chronological order...

ba dum LISTS!!!

14 worst moving pictures of all-time
12 greatest racial slurs of all-time
top 11 people i wouldn't carpool with

adult movie theaters
originally blogged 3/23/08

"pee-wee's big adventure" is my favorite movie of all-time so, maybe i'm biased, but i've always resented the fact that pee-wee's genius has never been fully realized because of one little incident. yes, he played solitaire in an adult movie theater - so what, that's what you do there, right? it's as normal as buying stamps at a post office or getting food poisoning at an asian buffet. and, as legend would tell it, pee-wee's incident occurred while visiting the 'rents in florida. parents are a stressful, overbearing bunch, as we all know, and pee-wee just needed to blow off a little steam. besides, this was before the internets - we take our easy access to porn for granted. although, the notion of the adult movie theaters of yore is quite the vexing situation. was it really how it sounds; a a dark room of cushioned seats filled with self-indulgent perverts? how long were the movies - 10, 15, 20 minutes??? was there a concession stand of jergens, napkins and/or gym socks??? if i had a time machine, this is where i'd go.

the seven deadly sins
originally blogged on 3/10/08

yay, the catholic church just released their new 7 deadly sins! and, as a morally lucid and ethically uncorrupt apatheist, i'll break them down for all you lunatic, god-fearing mongoloids.
polluting: "an inconvenient truth" was a horrible movie and i'd rather watch ice melt - get it?!?!?! still, i believe in the environmental rhetoric and, even if global warming is fake we can all agree we need to treat motha' earff mo' betta.'

genetic engineering: i think this means cloning, which is more weird than wrong. i don't know...i don't really understand this one.
obscene riches: isn't the vatican plated with gold and bedazzled to the high heavens? why doesn't the vatican sell their gold to the jews and turn that money into condoms for the africans?
taking drugs: i'm assuming this means "hard drugs." either way, all drugs are cool until you eat your gf's lung or lead a bunch of jews across the sahara.
abortion: not ethically wrong, necessarily, but definitely morally sloppy and irresponsible. and, all references to rape, incest or life-threatening pregnancies need to be aborted.
pedophilia: uhhhhh... well, first off, 16 and up isn't pedophilia - sorry it just isn't. it's more of a gross inconsistency betwixt biology and society. i'm sure society will win out at one point and our balls will quit dragging behind us but there's something wrong with me if i don't want to at least smell hermione's hair. however, true pedophilia is severely under served and should be second to only murder as far as jail sentencing goes. thank you, bill o'reilly.
causing social injustice: i guess this is racism. however, i'm also lumping the gays into this at which point, you fuddy duddy catholics are hoisting yourself by your own homophobic, neolithic petards.


blue tooths for the homeless
originally blogged on 3/21/08

we need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless. have i blogged on this before? anyway, i believe this will give your average, run of the mill hobo a modicum of dignity. how often do you see some poor, delusional, stinky derelict babbling to himself as he stares off into space? yet, if they had a blue tooth, you can just assume that they're having a traditional, two-sided cellular conversation discussing either their gym membership or their nephew's birthday. sure, it's only a band-aid and doesn't really help the homeless all that much but it helps alleviate some of our dweller's guilt and makes us feel better, right? and, let's face it, we'll never be able to give the homeless homes but we can always find new and effective ways to rationalize and make their existence more palatable and this is one of them. i'd like to start this charity. what could we call our charitable foundation? "blue tooths for one tooths," "a tooth in the ear is better than beer," "it's not acute dementia, just the blues!," and so on... on another note, is the plural "blue tooths" or "blue teeth?" or, more importantly, is it "blue tooth" or "blue tooff?"

middle-aged female celebrities
originally blogged on 3/18/08

i love how hollywood treats over-the-hill starlets. first, they stop giving tired, old bucks like meg ryan and melanie griffith roles because they look too old. then, in response, the meg ryans and melanie griffiths get a bunch of botox/collagen injected into their face which ultimately leaves them looking like some sort of amalgamation of a fish-faced, muppet. then, this leads to us (the general hoi polloi) making fun of them and hollywood still won't give them roles because their new faces have thoroughly creeped everyone out. these poor ladies can't win for losing! seriously, what are they supposed to do? the worst part is that this trend is trickling down to our moms, secretaries, dental hygienists, etc. i think these broads, whether they be in the biz or in my kitchen, need to realize that they're gonna' age, their looks are gonna' go and it's gonna be rough. it's not their fault, nor should we blame them but i don't know what else to say. maybe be nice and treat everyone well while you're young and pretty and then hope for the best when it's all gone? however there is the "cougar" phenomenon but i think that's mostly a tempest in a teacup. i'm just glad i'm a dude and can still be considered sexy well into my early 60s, a la sean connery.

tivo/dvr
originally blogged on 4/18/08

all my friends know i watch a lot of tv so they're always suggesting i invest in a tivo and/or dvr machine. the only problem with this is that i don't need a tivo/dvr machine because i don't have enough of a life to warrant this. i'm always home and i never miss any of my shows. plus, most of my shows are on the mtv and they replay all their stuff throughout the week. however, if i did get a tivo/dvr machine how and where would this hypothetical surplus of time be spent? i guess this would entail me leaving my apartment, right? what would i do, where would i go? whenever i entertain the idea of traipsing about la, all i can think about is traffic, parking (parallel???) and spending money on stuff i don't need and won't make me happy. why would i do this when i can stay at home, play internet scrabble all whilst watching back to back to back episodes of "made." although, i've boycotted watching all "made" episodes involving husky, teenage females whose estrogen has unfortunately "girlcotted" their bodies. too depressing...

polygamy
originally blogged on 4/9

i think i want to be a polygamist. but not one man with skirts-a-plenty but dudes-a-plenty with one special lady. it'd be like "full house," "the rippers" included, but with more dudes and less aunt becky. i know this sounds cRaZY but hear me blog it down:
financially: everyone knows men make more money than women so think of the combined income of the estate - yes, estate. heck, you probably wouldn't even need a 40 hour a week job. plus, you may even be lucky enough to draw the stay-at-home-dad card.
sexually: sure, you'd probably only get it once a week but that's every marriage. it'd be like an in-house, scheduled booty call. also, think of how easy it'd be to have a lady(s) on the side. please also consider the delight of having your own bed three quarters of the time.
paternally: not a problem. in a skirts-a-plenty marriage the place is crawling with kids. but, with a dudes-a-plenty marriage there's only one person who can be impregnated. sure you might have around 5 kids but that's nothing. plus, you and the dudes can collude and preclude the pregnancies.
camaraderie: what we have here is a boy's club in the highest degree (and, no. it's not a frat house. frats are lame). think of all the video game tournaments, fantasy leagues, pick-up basketball games, football sundays, garage bands, water balloon fights, homoerotic humour, tree houses, fart contests, etc. at least one dude will know something about cars, know how to build stuff, cook, fight (when we encounter other boys' clubs) and then there's me - i'll blog!!!

talking behind people's backs
originally blogged on 6/26

a common and popular misconception is that it's worse to talk ish behind someone's back rather than say that same ish to someone's face. you ask a million people what's worse and they'll all blindly say the former is worse... how do they figure? sure, there's the off chance that the person will find out the ish you dished behind their back but think about it; how often has that happened in your life? i dish a bevy of ish everyday and i can barely count on one hand the times it's come back to bite me on the arse. i can't remember many times when i've been told of others ishing dish behind my back either. however, if you do it to someone's face, they're going to hear it for sure... unless they're deaf or blind (you can blame it on someone else). speaking of which, can you imagine the awful things people must have said behind hellen keller's back? sheeesh! think about all the friends you've made, all the conversations fostered and all the laughter had based solely upon talking ish behind peoples' backs. friends, conversation and laughter are all good things!!! and, these things happen at an exponentially,disproportionately higher rate in comparison to getting called out on what you might've said about somebody behind their back. so, keep on dishin' that ish'... it's a good thing!

the olympics
originally blogged on 6/26

the olympics are coming!!! woohooo... NOT!!! really, who watches the olympics? all the olympics are is a collection of sporting events that nobody, i mean NOBODY, cares about and then we're expected to tune in every four years all in the name of patriotism? like i've said before, i like america and am glad to have been born here but you won't see me waving the american flag or crying during the national anthem. being born an american is just as random as being born an albino, an alligator or, appropriately enough, an albino alligator. besides, why should i root for america? america is like that perfect guy in high school who was the star of the football team, got straight a's, got all the hot chicks and, ultimately, was a big fat jerk. you don't root for that guy. you have nothing in common with that guy. you don't want to see him succeed. you are jealous of this guy. in fact, you are filled with hypocritical glee when you see him lose the high school championship game to the rival team filled with their own collection of perfect jerks (ccs playoffs, hollister def. palma, best night of my hs life). that's why i've decided i'm hitching my train to jolly ol' england for the olympic games: brits are squirrelly looking, have bad teeth, have great command of the queen's english, can't cook, have horrible complexions and have fantastic senses of humour ... just like me - ba dum BLOGger!

smoking
originally blogged on 6/22/08

smoking looks cool - it just does. i'm not being sarcastic either. i know it's unhealthy and gross but you can't deny the hipness of leaning up against your car (especially a 2003 malibu), casually taking a drag, making that squinty smokers face and exhaling a silky plume of white smoke. i remember i tried smoking once. i was nineteen, in college and feeling adventurous - watch out world! i didn't even know how to hold the darn thing or what end to light - i still don't. heck, i think i even had to have someone light it for me. is this normal or are these things that people just naturally know how to do? this is the same reason why i never really took to the marijuana; i was tired of being the guy in the circle who fumbled around with the pipe and didn't have the coordination to light it without getting third degree burns on his thumb. anyway, back to the cigarette; i took one hit/drag and thought i'd die. for the next 45 minutes my chest was on fire and i had this deep gurgly cough that was so intense i saw stars after every heavin’, hackin’, hork of phlegm. now, i'd assume that this is similar to everyone’s first experience with the cigarettes, right? if so, how does one push past this? how could anyone possibly become a smoker after such an unpleasant experience? are people's need to be "cool" and fit in this intense or am i just that big of a dork? people would not be smoking if smoking looked like rollerblading.

ghosts
originally blogged on 6/4/08

when i die i wanna' be a ghost. now, i know that there are varying ghost rules out there but, for the sake of this blog, i'll be the kind that's invisible, can go through walls and fly really fast. so, how would i spend my time as a ghost? would i travel to far off lands, sit in on the president's cabinet meetings, attend all the greatest sporting events with on field/court seats??? nope! i'd basically just float into hot chicks' bedrooms and/or bathrooms and look at them in various states of undress. yup, i'd be a big old, pervert ghost. i'd spend the first few years checking out all the girls i've ever known in the history of my life and then, once i'm done with that, i'd just hang out at various high school... ahem, college campuses and follow hot chicks back to their dorm rooms. i'm not even joking either, i'm dead serious about this (pun INTENDED!). if i were to meet st. peter at the pearly gates of heaven i'd simply say "no thanks, can you make me a ghost, please?" and, i'll tell you one thing; i most definitely will not be spending my afterlife helping my kids take out the trash a la bill cosby in "ghost dad."

sign spinners
originally blogged on 6/4/08

you ever see these sign spinner people standing on street corners who advertise things like new apartment complexes, cell phone deals or $5 pizzas at the "little caesar's?" see, businesses have engaged in a sort of guerilla advertising where they'll recruit and hire these g.e.d./minority types and train them in the mystical ways of sign spinning and stick them on a trafficky street corner in hopes of catching the eye of an unsuspecting motorist looking for cheap pizza and/or a condo. well, i have been this aforementioned "unsuspecting motorist" many o' times and this advertising/marketing scheme makes no sense to me. for one thing, how are you supposed to read the sign when it's flying/spinning in the air, being thrown around the back and through the legs of said sign spinner? would you make a spinning bilboard or traffic sign? no, because the point of signs is to be read. i could see if the sign spinners were selling sign spinning classes but they're not. also, isn't this dangerous for said motorists? how many pileups have resulted from motorists trying to figure out what the words are on these spinning signs. it's like sue ellen mitschke wearing a bra as a top!!!

looking good naked
originally blogged 7/28/08

have you seen that show on the lifetime channel called "how to look good naked?" me neither, but i'm blogging on it anyway. basically, they round up a bunch of beached leviathans, cover up their blow holes and, through the magic of smoke, mirrors and self-esteem, they learn them how to feel like they look good naked as opposed to actually looking good naked. first off, let's look good clothed before we look good naked. let's not put the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse. i'm not throwing internet stones from my glass blog either; i don't look good clothed or naked but no one's gonna' care what you look like naked unless they like what you look like clothed. no one looks at some chub club and says to himself, "hmmm, she's no picnic clothed but there's a fair chance she'll improve once the clothes come off." secondly, if we like you enough clothed to actually get you naked, chances are you'll turn out the lights anyway. there, "how to look good naked": turn out the lights. lastly, they have a super fruity, gay dude hosting the show. yes, let's trust the credibility of a homosexual to tell these chub clubs when it's safe to drop the tarps. if you really want to make this show work, have some chauvinistic, dirt bag tell you when and if you look good naked.

ed hardy
originally blogged 7/28/08


if fashion can jump the shark then the ed hardy clothing line has officially done so. admittedly, i don't know much about ed hardy and his eponymous clothing line but his t-shirts are the brightly coloured ones with bedazzled tigers eating bedazzled skulls with bedazzled snakes slithering through the skull's bedazzled eye sockets. i accidentally wandered into one of his stores about a year ago and all the shirts were like a $100. yes, ed hardy is the official clothing line for douchebag poseurs and you can't roll through hollywood without seeing at least twenty line bearded dude bra's rockin' their ed hardy t-shirts, with matching ed hardy trucker hats while drinking their ed hardy energy drinks which contains bedazzled tiger semen from tibet. yes, ed hardy has a line of energy drinks. even then, a bunch of elitist poseur, wannabe cast of "entourage" douchebags aren't enough to jump the bedazzled shark alone... oh no. i knew ed hardy had officially jumped the shark when i saw a bunch of twelve-year-old mexican kids with their widow peaked, bedazzled faux hawks running around the galleria in their ed hardy wear. how did this happen? since when can twelve-year-old mexican kids afford $100 t-shirts? i'll tell you how; ed hardy must've decided to go on the cheap and has released an el-cheapo line which will first infiltrate the junior highs, the high schools and then dorky white guys like me will realize that they too can now afford ed hardy wear and the world will be overcome by an army of bedazzled, poseur douchebags.


randomness
originally blogged 7/16/08

everything is "random" now... random this and random that. all events occurring that can't be rightly explained or weren't expected have all been labeled as randomness. which is okay, i guess, but the word is just becoming played out. especially since the casual banality in the over usage of "randomness" is in direct opposition to the very definition and essence of the word itself. the use of "random" is not random anymore - it's expected, explained and occurring with extreme prejudice. an irony like this hasn't been as surreptitiously in your face since mcdonald's created the grimace who has never once been caught grimacing. in fact, his empty stare and fly catching, syndrome-of-the-downs-esque trap is the exact antithesis of a grimace. so, if you were looking for a word to explain and rightly capture the awkward and unforeseen transition from "random" to "grimace" you might want to call it "capricious," "haphazard," and/or "wanton"... not to be confused with "won ton," a chinese dumpling commonly filled with minced pork - RANDOM!!!

smirnoff ice
originally blogged 7/14/08

has anyone ever seen anyone ever imbibing a smirnoff ice in a non underage capacity? i had two during my first year of college when i was first learning how to drink and my stomach almost 'xploded from all the sugary, bubbly goodness. seriously though, i don't think i've ever seen anyone buying a six pack from the grocery store nor drinking one at a bar. yet, you'll see plenty of snarkily, clever advertisements for smirnoff ice on the television box and most collegey type bars will have that gigantic, lightningy novelty smirnoff ice bottle glowing behind the bar. maybe they're popular at gay bars, sorority parties, pleasure parties or something... i don't know? but i tend to think they're more of a teenage girl sort of thing. in fact, if a dude in a moustache is ever seen buying smirnoff ice at the grocery store he should probably be arrested because he's obviously on his way to meet some 14 year old boy/girl he met on the internets (thank you, chris hansen). i don't even know how they can afford to advertise so much. it kinda' reminds me of way back when before cell phones were invented and there were like a million collect call commercials on tv. who was making all these collect calls... prisoners? i'd ask everyone i met and no one could ever answer this question nor admit to ever making more than five collect calls in their entire life. these commercials were big business too; they had huge stars like alyssa milano, carrot top and alf!

wild cherry
originally blogged 7/14/08

what kind of a flavour is "wild cherry?" this is often a popular flavour for candy or slurpies. personally, i love the "wild cherry" and it's my favorite artificial candy flavour (more on this later). i'm confused though; is "wild cherry" an actual kind of cherry or is "wild" being used in the same way that "x-treme" is being used for everything during the late nineties and early oughts. and, if it is like "x-treme," why not "wild grape," "wild orange," or "wild kiwi?" i tend to think it might be "wild" as in "x-treme" because if you've ever had a real cherry you'll know they're more bitter and "wild cherry" tastes more like maraschino cherries, but "maraschino" is probably too ethnic. anywho, i believe this blog serves as a good opportunity for me to blog what fruits are mo' betta' and what artificially flavoured counterparts are mo' betta':
natural fruit flavour----------vs.-----------artificial fruit flavour
mo' betta'----------------------apple
----------------------------------banana----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------blueberry-------mo' betta'
----------------------------------cherry-----------mo' betta'
mo betta'-----------------------grape
----------------------------------lemon-----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------lime-------------mo' betta'
mo' betta'----------------------orange
mo' betta'----------------------strawberry
mo' betta'----------------------watermelon
winner: it's a tie!!! actually, we all lose; for me blogging and for you reading :(

hand shakes
originally blogged 7/14/08

that's it; i officially can't keep up with all these cool dude, dude bra' handshakes anymore. i'm so tired of meeting minorities, people who think they're minorities, drug dealers, etc. and being subject to all these back hand slaps, finger snaps, knuckle thumps, fist bumps, chest humps, shoulder hugs and so on - it's like a 16-hit, "street fighter ii combo." my only recourse to all this nonsense is to just give 'em the old limp fish and hope my hand can stay limber and pliable enough so they can just seamlessly run my hand through the gears and cogs of their unquestioned coolness. whatever happened to the classic firm grip, elbow out handshake? when these people are grandparents are they still going to be throwing down these fist, knuckle, hand gymnastics or, once these people get to a certain age, will they revert back to the classic hand shake? i simply don't think arthritis will allow for such foolishness. the thing that gets me though is that i'm admittedly a big dork who can't fake it to make it to save his life but how the heck do all these cool dudes automatically know how to perform and reciprocate all handshakes presented to them without skipping a beat? every time i'm presented with such greetings the dude bra' must stop and run me through it like three times before i can "get it" and perform to a level that satisfies the cool dude. you know what's cool? shaking someone's hand without making the person you're greeting feel like a complete loser.

turbans
originally blogged 6/2/08

being an extremely racial person, not racist, i'm annoyed with the inter-cultural ambiguities of the turban. see, i'd like to be able to throw either all muslims or all hindus under one turban umbrella, much like these turbanites do so with their hair, but you can't accurately do so. i don't like the fact that you might call a convenient store clerk a "terrorist" only for him to correct you and say "i am an indian (dot, not feather) and don't ever recall a hindu terrorizing anyone. good day, sir… and come again!" nor do i appreciate it when i'm in a cab and, while attempting to engage in the art of conversation, telling the turban wearing driver that "i don't mean to curry favor but i've always loved curry." only for him to respond, "while i appreciate your witty repartee and use of idiom, i am a muslim and do not curry favor nor do i curry chicken tikka masala. good day, sir… and praise be to allah and death to infidels!" all i wanna' do is stereotype and these turbans are really crampin' my style. also, i can understand if turbans were big in siberia or the yukon but it really makes no sense to have all that hair all wrapped up like that in these super hot middle eastern and indian (ghandi, not sitting bull) climates. if i were ever in a position to create a god and attribute rules and beliefs to him, practicality and pragmatism would reign supreme over all else.

beauty and the beast
originally blogged 8/26/08

either because i'm half gay or perpetually trying to relive my youth, i love all things disney; whether it be disney movies, disneyland or "hannah montana." however, the one thing that has always stuck in my craw is the classic, oscar nominated "beauty and the beast" (yes, i know disney didn't create it but this is a blog, not a college thesis). here's the story in a nutshell: jerk prince gets transformed into a beast for being a jerk, holds old man captive for knocking on his castle door, imprisons old man's hot daughter in exchange for old man's freedom, hot chick inexplicably falls in love with the beast, the spell is broken and they live happily ever after. let's put this scenario into modern times: billy ray cyrus' motorbike breaks down in front of my apartment, billy ray knocks on my door looking for help, i imprison billy ray, miley cyrus shows up at my door looking for billy ray, i imprison miley in exchange for billy ray, miley falls in love with my jerky ways and we live happily ever after. WRONG!!! see how ridiculous it sounds when i put it this way??? the only difference betwixt these stories is that i don't look like a beast but only live in an apartment and blog as opposed to living in a castle and being a prince. so, beast/castle/prince trumps me/apartment/blogger. as it happens, "beauty and the beast" is not a tale of redemption or appreciating someone's inner beauty but is a mere tale of "stockholm syndrome" and proof that the prospect to change a guy (from beast to stud), the idea of security and wealth (castle) and lofty status (prince) is enough to make a girl fall in love no matter how much of a jerk you are... even if you imprison her creepy, washed up, country singin,' one-hit wonder, exploitive father.

bald eagles
originally blogged 8/14/08

what's so great about the bald eagle? this is the mighty and majestic national animal and symbol of the greatness that is the usofa??? don't tread on me my arse! first off, the bald eagle is endangered. ENDANGERED!!! this bird is barely even surviving in its own land that it is a symbol of; it's been treaded on thoroughly. doesn't darwinism basically say that if you die off as a species that you're basically weak sauce? and, as a bird of prey, how can you become endangered? you fly and eat rodents. rodents have been around since the dinosaurs so it's not like there's a paucity of food. and, you're a bird, you can fly! fly high and away from hunters, build your nest a little higher out of elmer fudd's reach. there is no excuse for bald eagles to let themselves become endangered. then, worst of all, they're bald. BALD!!! c'mon, as a balding blogger myself, there is nothing worse in life than being bald. especially as an american. america is the most superficial, shallow nation there is and we, the mighty usofa, have chosen a bald bird who can barely even stay on the grid. the bald eagle is a PATHETIC LOSER!!! as americans, is this the creature we want representing our unrivaled global dominance??? NO!!! i say we impeach the bald eagle and elect a new national animal and symbol that truly represents the usofa. i say we elect the most powerful and dominant animal of them all: (drum roll, please) ba dum... MAN!!!
scientology
originally blogged 8/12/08

nobody would ever accuse me of being a proponent for scientology yet, it's utterly riwangulous when people bag on it like it's any nuttier than any other religion. simply put: it's newer. that's it. it's no crazier than christianity, hinduism, judaism, islam or the flying spaghetti monster. just look at scientology's origin story as compared to the judeo-christian yarn of yore. in scientology, xenu was some alien warlord who flew his minions to earth on a spaceship and 'xploded them in a volcano with their souls or thetans escaping and now embodying human beings. while, in judeo-christian lore, god created earth and its animals in six days while, on that seventh day, god made man out of dirt, gave him a soul and then made woman out of one of man's ribs. judeo-christian tales even have their own cosmic battle where it culminates with god kicking lucifer out of heaven and forcing him to set up shop in hell. really, the only difference is that, when the bible was written, the imagination was not sophisticated enough nor had it stretched into the actual science and/or pseudo science of outer space. for all intents and purposes, "heaven" and "hell" are the planets while "angels" and "demons" are the aliens. i could go on forever and get into it with all the similarities betwixt weird rituals, tithings and property scandals but i'm really squeezed for space.

abortion
originally blogged 9/14/08

you know what? i'm on a roll and not done offending people. now, it's time for all of the liberal, feminist chicks out there to get what's coming to them. I hate to break it to you but abortion has NOTHING to do with "your body." first off, let me give you the lowdown of what abortion is: it's a palatable and legal form of population control or, at the very worst, a very ethically and physically sloppy procedure that rids you of something that may or may not be a human being (nobody knows if it's actual life and we never will know, so deal with it). in short, abortion is an ugly and gross option which remedies an even uglier and grosser problem of unwanted children born to poverty and unfit 'rents. okay, back to the whole not about "your body" part. yes ladies, the procedure happens to "your body" and causes emotional and physical pain of which can last a lifetime and is immeasurable but face it; if human babies were laid and hatched as eggs and an abortion was as simple as an egg toss gone wrong at your company picnic there would be NONE, ZERO difference in the way the bible humpers and the feminists look at abortion. we'd just have bumper stickers that said "life begins at egg laying" or "my choice, my egg." the “body” part is just circumstantial; something that pro-choicers can hang their hat on while distracting from the fact that they are "pro-fetuses being vacuumed from your/my womb." wait a second, isn't no abortion better for your body than an abortion? how about this: "my future, my choice, your taxes and... YOU'RE WELCOME!"

doc and marty's relationship
originally blogged 9/2/08

how did doc and marty even know each other, let alone become such great bffs? seriously, i find the fact that a teenaged, guitar strummin,' skate boardin' big man on campus with a fly ass koochie of a gf hanging out with a sixty-year-old lunatic, mad scientist waaaay less plausible than a delorean that travels through time. i could understand if marty was into science or was an angsty nerd who didn't fit in but none of this applies. maybe marty was just using doc for his giant guitar speaker (amp?). i'm not suggesting that there was anything untoward in regards to their relationship either. not only because there is nothing that alludes to this but homoerotic humour is the lazy blogger's way out. it's not like marty just stumbled upon doc either, all evidence points toward a deep seated and well developed friendship. heck, even strickland knows about it! not only does marty waltz right into doc's bachelor lab first thing in the morning but also agrees to meet him at a mall parking lot in the middle of the night for a "science experiment;" nary a question asked nor an adolescent eye roll. hey, what they have is awesome but curious nonetheless. the only other relationship i can think of that draws similar parallels is the friendship betwixt yogi bear and boo boo. and while it's unclear how old boo boo really is, boo boo does make it abundantly clear to yogi that "ranger smith isn't going to like this..."

ba dum BLOG!!!

and then, there's blog!

this is a new game i made up that's sweeping the nation (my peanuthead friends)! it's loosely based on "wheel of fortune's" before and after category... well, if you have half a brain, you'll get it. we're basically linking up tv shows; be it sitcoms, dramas, cartoons, miniseries, news, reality or what have you. maybe i'll do movies and song titles next. either way, it's a great way to pass time during car rides, church or first dates. oh, and i'm also only including three shows and up because we came up with about 37 bazillion two-show-ers. and, if you can come up with anymore three-and-uppers, feel free to leave a comment. neat, huh?

3s
my mother the car 54 where are you can't do that on television



the facts of life goes on air with ryan seacrest



the fresh prince of bel airewolf blitzer reports



flavor of love american style by jury



my so called life with louie



north and south parker lewis can't lose



clarissa explains it all in the family guy



4s
the scarecrow and mrs. king of the hill street blue's clues



mr. belevedere john and kate plus eight is enough



top catdog the bounty hunter



5s
making the band of brothers and sister(s) sister



6s
jake and the fatman vs. wild 'n out of the this world news now on pbs



bj and the bear in the big blue house mdl hughley breaks the news radio free roscoe

7s
the get along gangland of the lost in space ghostbusters

er you afraid of the darkwing duck tale(s) spin city guys




and then, there's maude...



ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: a very special thanks to nick JUDD, dave, robyn, bradford, george, singletary, young greg and gibbs (i think).