portmanteaus are rad. and, if "blog" is my favourite, "sexting" is the runner up. for those of you who don't watch the culture war segment on "the o'reilly factor," sexting (sex/texting) is primarily when gals sext their boyfriends pictures of their naked private parts through cellular text messaging. of course, the only reason the mainstream media knows this phenomenon exists is because the randy recipients always, i mean ALWAYS show their pals. this is what guys do. girls haven't quite figured this out yet. we're peacocks, we preen, we brag, we blog. heck, even i've been made privy to more than a few of these pics from my friends' girlfriends. and, from what o'reilly tells me, sexting is especially rampant in our high schools where sally sophomore will sext a pic to her boyfriend and, the next thing you know, naked pics of the entire junior varsity cheerleading squad are being shared on every teenage boy's computer in a hundred mile radius. i'm not sure what's worse; the fact that i may someday have a teenage daughter or that i missed this trend by ten years. ummm, it's the latter... duh.
while i reluctantly acknowledge all the rage that is blue toofs, i've discovered yet another use for them aside from distributing them to the homeless. no matter how hard i fight it, the general hoi polloi insists on utilizing blue toofs as fashion accessories or accouterments. so, why not use this retarded trend to benefit the handicapped - namely the deaf. see, for the past however many years, we've been designing hearing aids to be smaller, less conspicuous and more resembling small fleshy, calcified growths. with all that blogged, wouldn't it seem obvious to place the same technology inside the bulkier, flashier and trendier blue toofs? no one would even know you were deaf! depending on their proclivities, people would either assume you were merely rockin' a blue toof or were simply an a-hole. surely both alternatives are better than being viewed as handicapped, right? and, technologically speaking, wouldn't the size of a blue toof allow for better technology and hence, product? since society has decided that blue toofs = cool and hearing aids = lame, let's give the deaf a break and let them be cool. then, enough deaf people will be wearing blue toof hearing aids to the point where blue toofs will consequently become lame by deaf association. in short; the cool dude blue toof wearers lose, the deaf lose and who wins??? ME!!!
ba dum BLOG!!!
we need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless. have i blogged on this before? anyway, i believe this will give your average, run of the mill hobo a modicum of dignity. how often do you see some poor, delusional, stinky derelict babbling to himself as he stares off into space? yet, if they had a blue tooth, you can just assume that they're having a traditional, two-sided cellular conversation discussing either their gym membership or their nephew's birthday. sure, it's only a band-aid and doesn't really help the homeless all that much but it helps alleviate some of our dweller's guilt and makes us feel better, right? and, let's face it, we'll never be able to give the homeless homes but we can always find new and effective ways to rationalize and make their existence more palatable and this is one of them. i'd like to start this charity. what could we call our charitable foundation? "blue tooths for one tooths," "a tooth in the ear is better than beer," "it's not acute dementia, just the blues!," and so on... on another note, is the plural "blue tooths" or "blue teeth?" or, more importantly, is it "blue tooth" or "blue tooff?" for more on this...http://www.urban-etiquette.net/2008/04/schizophrenic-or-wireless-headset.html
i've decided that i am russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes." for example, i've already successfully exposed "boom-chik-a-wa-wa" as trite, banal and hackneyed even. now, i shall retire "check please!" oh, it's hilarious, isn't it? any awkward or sexually explicit dinner table hijinx can be easily punctuated with a "check please!" you watch; any restaurant scene since the inception of the sitcom and/or motion picture utilizes this comedy staple. heck, even "seinfeld" has resorted to this and now it's even found it's way to reality tv such as in the thrilling finale of "the rock of love ii." really, should george costanza and bret michaels be using the same comedic material? this is exciting news with me being russian and the defacto "czar of retiring old jokes" though, isn't it? and please, (i'm speaking to all you "ba dum blogateers") don't hesitate to bring to my attention any other one-liners that need to be sent to del boca vista and/or made the way of the bolsheviks.
there are like six comic book movies coming out this summer. i think there were probably five comic book movies in the past 20 years and now there's been like 152 since "spiderman." i'm sure one of the main reasons for this is that special effects are finally to the point where you can actually make these flying men in their leotards look somewhat realistic but i think the main reason is that there are just so many socially and sexually frustrated dorks out there. i'll admit i kinda' like comic book movies and i'm kinda' socially and/or sexually frustrated (i'll let you do the and/or math...) but this trend really speaks to what's going on in today's society. so many people feel like outcasts and their answer to this isn't to improve themselves organically but all these dweebs fantasize they'll empower themselves by getting bitten by a radioactive spider, beating up some bullies, getting the girl and saving the world - yes, the world!!! gone are the days of "teen wolf" where nerds are just content enough to dunk, play a confederate soldier in the school play and van surf. i guess batman doesn't really fall into this since he is kind of a self-made crime fighter (albeit, he lucked into the money part). but, then again, he's still got angst in spades.
am i missing something or is "alcoholics anonymous" not anonymous? isn't the first thing you say when you walk in: "hi, my name is larry and i'm an alcoholic"? that's the opposite of anonymity...he's "larry," not anonymous - "larry." i'm sure this is easily explained and i'm just not getting the point of it all but whatevs. speaking of which, any of you ever read "a million little pieces"? i liked that book. i don't care if it was a memoir, fiction or non-fiction. it was a good book. i guess the problem is that the dude poopooed the 12 steps of aa and totally cleaned himself up. hence, this made other degenerates think they didn't need the 12 steps either. so, i guess these losers used this guy's tough-guy, cold turkey approach to fighting alcoholism/druggyism and probably failed. well, i suppose it's like how serial killers shouldn't read "a catcher in the rye" maybe reprobates shouldn't read "a million little pieces" and in turn, i won't read "lolita."
ba dum BLOG!!!
portmanteaus are rad. and, if "blog" is my favourite, "sexting" is the runner up. for those of you who don't watch the culture war segment on "the o'reilly factor," sexting (sex/texting) is primarily when gals sext their boyfriends pictures of their naked private parts through cellular text messaging. of course, the only reason the mainstream media knows this phenomenon exists is because the randy recipients always, i mean ALWAYS show their pals. this is what guys do. girls haven't quite figured this out yet. we're peacocks, we preen, we brag, we blog. heck, even i've been made privy to more than a few of these pics from my friends' girlfriends. and, from what o'reilly tells me, sexting is especially rampant in our high schools where sally sophomore will sext a pic to her boyfriend and, the next thing you know, naked pics of the entire junior varsity cheerleading squad are being shared on every teenage boy's computer in a hundred mile radius. i'm not sure what's worse; the fact that i may someday have a teenage daughter or that i missed this trend by ten years. ummm, it's the latter... duh.
while i reluctantly acknowledge all the rage that is blue toofs, i've discovered yet another use for them aside from distributing them to the homeless. no matter how hard i fight it, the general hoi polloi insists on utilizing blue toofs as fashion accessories or accouterments. so, why not use this retarded trend to benefit the handicapped - namely the deaf. see, for the past however many years, we've been designing hearing aids to be smaller, less conspicuous and more resembling small fleshy, calcified growths. with all that blogged, wouldn't it seem obvious to place the same technology inside the bulkier, flashier and trendier blue toofs? no one would even know you were deaf! depending on their proclivities, people would either assume you were merely rockin' a blue toof or were simply an a-hole. surely both alternatives are better than being viewed as handicapped, right? and, technologically speaking, wouldn't the size of a blue toof allow for better technology and hence, product? since society has decided that blue toofs = cool and hearing aids = lame, let's give the deaf a break and let them be cool. then, enough deaf people will be wearing blue toof hearing aids to the point where blue toofs will consequently become lame by deaf association. in short; the cool dude blue toof wearers lose, the deaf lose and who wins??? ME!!!
.jpg)
