ba dum POD!!!

exciting news!!! i'm going to blog a very special announcement which will be revealed in the very next sentence i blog. ba dum BLOG!!! will be launching our very own weekly podcast, aptly titled, "ba dum POD!!!" and, if my producer can get all the sundry technical shizz together, we will debut ba dum POD!!! sometime this week. OH MY OMG, I'M SO F'N EXCITED!!! we're also working on lining up a sponsor (fingers crossed for taco bell) and i'm just being told by my producer that he's booked pope benedict xvi who will be plugging the new moving picture, "angels and demons." oh, and if any of you are interested in being a guest on ba dum POD!!!, just let me know and we'll set something up. you don't even have to come to the studio either, my producer claims we can do it via your cellular telephones. so, get your pods ready because ba dum POD!!! will be coming to an online machine to download or whatnot near you...

i'm not gonna say that everyone who has tattoos are kinda lame, in a way, but i'll blog it. of course, there are exceptions to this and i have a few very dear friends who are tatoo'd but... yeah, just that. anyway, tattoos, in part, signify three of my least favorite traits: confidence, sincerity and decisiveness. also, you can't bring up or question someone's tattoo without getting wrangled into a horribly awkward and serious conversation about what the tattoo means to them. on a similar tome, this last friday at work, a guy was sporting a t-shirt adorned with a screen printed pic of his deceased mother. of course, everyone just had to ask him who the picture was of when, being the friday before mother's day, it was ridiculously obvious. i, for one, refused to acknowledge it and even went as far as to literally crawl 'neath my cube, amidst pangs of embarrassment, whenever anyone else brought it up. it's just such a cloyingly saccharine and self-important gesture. or, maybe i'm just a horrible, cold person with no sense of family or pathos. back to tats! i just can't imagine getting a tattoo, myself, and staring down at it every other day without uttering an exasperated, "ugh." i mean, you wouldn't wear the same shirt or fanny pack everyday so why would you want the same lame design perpetually stained into your skin everyday? i hate three out of every five articles of clothing i buy so this just seems like an impossible situation. oh, and don't get me started on girls with tattoos on their boobs. i find this to be more socially and aesthetically unacceptable than sporting a hitler moustache to your girlfriend's sister's bat mitzfah.

during my high school years, i remember tales being told in, and out of school, of the occasional girl joining their school's wrestling teams and thus, forcing young men into the lose/lose situation of being matched against her. i mean, could you imagine being a knock-kneed, pubescent teenage boy being forced to violently rub up against a girl with only a thin piece of a sweat stained, spandex singlet separating you from her nubile body all whilst a crowded gym voyeuristically watches this "wonder year's-esque" episode unfold? i mean, what if you lost? what if you won? what if you got a boner??? pretty awful, huh? au contraire mon fraire! as i look back at this all-to-real scenario, i only wished i would've had the foresight to join the wrestling team for just the off chance of this occurring. see, i went to all-boys high school and i had more physical contact and meaningful conversations with the lunch lady than i had with any of the gals down the street at the all-girls school. if i could've had just three minutes of flopping around on the mats with some monstrous tom-girl it really could've wet my beak and got my groove going so i wouldn't be so terrified of girls... a terror that plagues me to this very day. heck, come to think of it, even that kind of physical contact with a dude could've really benefited me. i mean, if you closed your eyes and pretended really hard, what difference would it make?

look, i aint no goy... i'm quarter jew and proud of it. see, my paternal grandmother is jewish and, when the subject is broached, i'm often rebuffed by these snooty yentas snottily making me aware that "the jewish lineage only passes down through matrilineal descent." that's meshuga and everyone knows it. if your dad's mother is chinese, then you're chinese and if she's jewish, you're jewish. we're not talking about magical, tribal, "chosen people" poppycock - judaism doesn't circumnavigate dna like magellan around the globe only to be slaughtered by filipino savages. you can be a jew without ever setting foot in a temple or spinning a dradle. any time a group of peoples share common physical traits, it's an ethnicity. for example, you can tell if a person's chinese because they'll often have slanty eyes and a big, round face. likewise, a great deal of jews have big noses and long, horsey faces. now, i have neither of these traits but a good looking jew is still a jew. then again... i'm funny, riddled with anxiety and love noshing. see, i barely even know my grandmother and i've magically developed all these jewish traits. whether this has transpired through blood or osmosis from watching hours upon hours of "seinfeld," "curb your enthusiasm" and woody allen movies, i am jew... hear me kvetch.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the blog with two backs

aside from the los angeles lakers, the utah jazz has got to be the most ridiculous name for any professional sports team. of course, both of these franchises moved from cities where their respective nicknames were more apropo (the lakers of minneapolis and the jazz of new orleans). in la, at least there's silverlake but utah, or salt lake city, has to be the least jazziest place in the country. in terms of misnomers, the utah jazz would be the equivalent to the richmond yankees, the phoenix canadiens and/or, the negro leagues very own, real life oxymoronical team of the atlanta black crackers (that's a whole 'nother blog unto itself!). perhaps, on an even more tangential note, the most misleading team name has to be the university of connecticut huskies which, of course, is better known colloquially as the uconn huskies. as a youth, i always believed this was a canadian school and team because of my childhood allusions to the adventures of "sergeant preston and yukon king." anywho, back to the utah jazz... the n'awlins jazz moved to utah for the 1979-1981 nba season where they decided not only to keep the nickname but the team colours of green, purple and gold which were representative of mardi gras, as well. of course, if you know anything of mardi gras, it is a decidedly un-mormon ceremony. in a perfect world, one would hope for new orleans' current basketball team of the hornets (formerly of charlotte) to take back the jazz moniker. but where would this leave utah after losing jazz? as it happens, in a serendipitous turn of kismet, utah's nickname is "the beehive state" where the title of hornets would be more than germane and appropriate... that is, if it is in fact, a reference to bees and not the popular women's hairdo of the 1960s and winehouse.

Dont Want To Wait Anymore - The Tubes - The Tubes
ba dum BLOG's!!! first embedded video, ba dum BLOG's!!! first embedded video!!!! what could spur such a momentous occasion? a little known 1981 music video from the san franicisco outfit, "the tubes," of course. now, i have seen various mtv and vh1 clip shows of which would lampoon such outrageous acts of music video decadence and absurdity. however, i have not seen nor am i aware of such lampooning of this particular production and feel it's my duty to make this li'l nugget of whimsy viral. heck, it's so unknown i couldn't even find it on the youtube.com! the song is aptly titled "don't want to wait anymore" and it's nothing more than a pretentious power ballad of some creep, bill "sputnik" spooner (spoon her???), creating a hypothetical scenario where him and his presumably prudish and refusing to putout gal pal are the last two on earth, stranded on a desert isle and are inevitably tasked with starting the world anew in order to survive, through sexual intercourse of which he'll teach her the ways of. with that blogged, this also raises the question of how old this perv's lady is because "putting out" and having to be taught how to make sex noises aren't traditional problems for ladies in bill "sputnik" spooner's (spoon her???) age range. anyway, that's the lyrical aspect of it all. aside from the obvious and dated silliness of the early 80's motif of the video, there are more pointed observations that must be blogged. to begin, this stooge has this ginormous, white electric guitar just hanging from his shoulders, drawing the images of a yoked ox, all of which he barely even strums; his hands are just sort of idling on the edge of the guitar for the majority of the time... UNTIL, he "just can't take it anymore!" and limps up the stairway to nowhere with all the grace and dexterity of quasimodo, only to feebly raise the guitar over his head where he, inexplicably and angstily, tosses it into the ankle deep water below. what does this mean??? and, even more vexing, after the guitar climatically splashes down, two members from the cast of "cats" pounce into the water from either side (i've watched/paused this multiple times and this is the best i could blog up with). so yeah, that's that... if you find this a mere modicum as interesting and entertaining as i do, i more than succeeded in blogging my feelings of mirth and merry.

sorry ladies, but it's okay for us to cheat on you. while, on the other hand, gals aren't allowed to step out on us. before i blog any further, please note that i'm dealing in the most general of generalities where the phrase "most of the time" (about 75%) reigns supreme. yes, that's a double standard and there should be double standards betwixt genders because you're from venus and we're from mars. and, in a more biological sense, as long as we can impregnate infinite women at a time where upon you can only be impregnated by one man at a time, you'll remain sluts while we're hailed as "mack daddies." also, as another caveat, we're blogging about cheating (one night stands, aliases and business trips) and not affairs (prolonged trysts, a toothbrush at her place, the promise of leaving our wife, etc). first of all, chicks can't do it because you're too emotional and sex "means something." or, if sex doesn't mean something to you, you're just an aforementioned slut and we'll want you for nothing more, anyway. as for men, we can make the beast with two backs, not know your name, never want to see you again and never think about you again... unless, of course, we've added you to our solitaire reel. we're just wired differently; we're ramblers. of course this isn't fair but fear not, ladies! you need not worry because men will only be caught/admit to it when/if they want to be caught. see, such known indiscretion will only be used to either make you angry as to push you away from us to the point of you leaving us so we won't have to, or to manipulate the relationship in our favour to let you know, in no uncertain terms, that you best step it up because we gots a bullpen in case we've deemed you ineffective. the good news??? if we never clue you in on or sloppily let you discover said liaisons, that means we're just sowing our proverbial oats and really love you and like you just the way you are and aren't interested in manipulating you or the relationship by dangling the carrot of other women over your pretty little heads. on the other hand, when you step out on us, there'll ALWAYS be an ulterior motive beyond gettin' down because you're a bunch of jezebelles and will ONLY use it as a vehicle of destruction. because... girls... are... DIRTY!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: let it be known that ba dum BLOGger has only had 2 1/2 sexual encounters (1 1/2 of which took place on the internets) so his opines on male/female realtionships are mostly developed through old episodes of "silk stalkings" and "the scarecrow and mrs. king."

blogging, to and fro, in perpetuity

it's a common misconception that the key to comedy is... TIMING!!! au contraire mon fraire, sometimes the most hilarious things in life are such because of the untimely and outdated nature in which they've been broached and/or blogged. for example, randomly blogging about forgettable family features from the years 1998 and 2004, respectively, is much funnier and more interesting than blogging about obvious/relevant moving pictures such as "fast and furious" being faster, more furious but with less "the." okay, enough prologue; check out the two movie posters... how can this happen??? on your top left, you have the 1998 disney movie starring daniel stern called "tourist trap." then, on your bottom right, you have your 2004 robin williams vehicle (pun INTENDED) of "rv." the plots are different but similar enough: nutty, overenthusiastic dad takes reluctant family on vacay in an rv where hilarious hijinx ensue. that's fine; no mainstream movies are original and all can usually be gleaned, cliché plot point by cliché plot point, the second you even lay eyes on the movie poster. AHAAA, THE MOVIE POSTER!!! does this drive (pun INTENDED!) you guys as crazy as it does me??? in fact, i've been driven soooo cRAzY i just drove my motor house to the top of a roadless peak where i'll just let it teeter, to and fro, in perpetuity! how can "rv" just blatantly rip off "tourist trap" like this? columbia pictures produced "rv" and you'd think disney would've sued the pants off them, right? now, i’ve never had the pleasure of seeing either movie but i wouldn’t even be the least bit surprised if this scene never even occurs… I mean, how could it??? seriously.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: thanks for sticking with us. mo' betta' and mo' frequenta' blogs to come. seriously. really.

we're all gonna blog!

we're all gonna die! i'm going to die, you're going to die and it could even happen later on today. this may be the last blog i'll ever blog and the last blog you'll ever read the first three sentences of before moving on to your favourite porno movie internet website of choice. this just dawned on me and has depressed me to know ends. see, if you're religious and believe in an afterlife it's not so bad because you'll be moving on to the proverbial "better place" where you'll be riding flying unicorns to alternate universes with your grandparents and freddie mercury. on a tangential note, why is it only a "better place" and not the "best place?" i think even the most zealous of the religious zealots can only muster up a "better" because they know poor ol' aunt gertie is merely only "better" off six feet in the ground in lieu of all bed sored up, grafted to her couch with her dozen or so tabbies roaming her one bedroom apartment - even they wouldn't dare put "best" on a hypothetical fantasy.

anyway, as i was blogging, the scenario that religion has cooked/made up with your consciousness somehow seeping out of your dead skull and being cosmically transferred to some happy land of the dead is ridiculous, right? we're just machines and once our heart stops pumping blood and our brains stop firing off synapses that's it - there's no spirit, there's no soul, there's no awareness; it's only perpetual darkness which isn't even really perpetual or dark because there's no cognizance to even know or not know of anything, dark or otherwise. ohhhh ironical christ, that's depressing! sure, religion's way feels good and is comforting but it's a fairy tale and is f'n crazy and insulting. if i were told i was gonna die tomorrow, it's not like i'm gonna go to disneyland donning a peter pan suit and rape tinkerbell in the middle of the parade if i don't have the figurative carrot of heaven or hell dangling in front of me. i mean, it might not even be rape if she was down, right? or, is an intended rape always rape regardless of the subject's willingness, unbeknownst to your already decided action? i guess that'd be like coveting, right? or, is it like stealing a washer or dryer left out on the curb before its owner has a chance to put the "free" sign on it. gee, i wish there was some all-knowing, intergalactic king of morality and ethics to answer these question.

so, what next? how am i supposed to live knowing i may not wake up tomorrow morning and not even know i'm dying when i die or am dead when i'm dead? should i quit my job, should i plant a tree, should i take all the edible contents from my kitchen, put them in a blender and guzzle my concoction down? but seriously, what could one possibly do to break out from their prison of routine and ennui when they have the prospect of death looming over them every single second? like, a hundred people just died while i blogged that last sentence. what do we do with that? i guess this is what human kind faced during the dawn of the religion they made up and figured they needed to manufacture a "better place" for us to look forward to because we'd all go crazy and blog ridiculous, rambling blogs and/or rape tinkerbell, otherwise. so, what are you gonna do tomorrow when, by the grace of god, you wake up not dead? will you live your life to the fullest and find your "happy place?" or, will you forever be cursing yourself where you can't even really curse yourself in the dark perpetude that's not even dark perpetude when you've just read this last sentence and deal with the unpalatable possibility that this may be... the... last... word ... you'll... ever... read.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the aggro blog

since when did thai food become the end all and be all of eat-out cuisine? i'd be fine if thai food was like the sixth or seventh resort after fast, american, mexican, italian, chinese, sushi, soul, etc. but it's all of a sudden rocketed to the top for no reason other than it's trendy and exotic. for one thing, it sounds a bit too much like "typhoid" for my liking but, even more importantly, it's not that great. it tastes like weird chinese food with an unsettling array of herbs and spices or something; i can't even rightly describe it. other than m. bison or sagat, i can't even name a single human being from the land of thai... how can thai food be this popular if there aren't even any thai people? (okay, i just wikipedia'd it and the only names i recognized are eldrick woods and johnny damon and they're only half/quarter breeds.) i could even blog the same thing for indian food with its unwarranted popularity, trendiness and even more unpalatable taste but at least i know of indian people. not to mention, if it wasn't for indian food, chris colombo never would've found america, would he? on the other hand, if it wasn't for thailand, we wouldn't have the popluar anthropological documentary series, "chicks with dicks."

there's much ballyhoo over last night's "thrilling" conclusion of "the bachelor." now, i don't watch the show nor do i care about what went down last night but i am familiar with the concept and have more than a few things to blog about as it pertains. now, if i were "the bachelor," i'd make it explicitly and/or implicitly known that the elimination process would be as simple as this (let's say it's a 12 week process): week one is first base, week two is second base, week three is third base, week four is home plate, week five is role playing, week six is knife play, week seven is scat, week eight is rough trade, week nine is just watching, week ten is your sister, week eleven is helping me move to my third story flat with no elevator in 95 degree heat and week twelve is oatmeal. and, if you chose not to participate in the week's theme then you will NOT receive a rose - it's that simple. face it, you're not going to find your "soul mate" so why not use this once in a lifetime opportunity, where you hold all the power, to run these gals through your own personal, sexual aggro crag? "d-d-d-do you have 'em - GUTS!"

everyone's got the travel bug; they're going to guam, they're going to italy, they're going to tibet, they're going to chile and i couldn't be less impressed. maybe i'm too provincial, jingoistic or lame but, i cannot think of a more stressful and horrifying experience than jet setting to some strange second or third world country all in the name of "adventure," "culture," and "pretention." if i'm not worried about what i'm going to eat than i'm worried about not speaking the language. if i'm not scared of getting kidnapped, then i'm scared of getting a disease. if i'm not stressed over keeping my itinerary, then i'm stressed over not packing enough socks. besides, these vacations aren't even vacations; you return more tired with more things to catch up on with less money to do it with than if you would've simply just stayed holed up in your room playing internet scrabble, watching "degrassi: the next generation" and blogging, like me. and, from where i blog, there are only two places in the whole world worth traveling to, anyway: las vegas and, of course, disneyland. las vegas is one of the only places where you can actually return with more money than what you left with and disneyland... well, that goes without blogging.

before this year, i could never take naps. ever since i was a baby i refused and, in preschool, my parents would have to pick me up early before we were confined to our cots during "naptime." once, they were late, and i threw a conniption to end all conniptions. anywho, at 26, i may have actually somewhat turned the corner on naps. albeit, i'm still a little embarrassed and disappointed in myself for giving into daytime slumber in lieu of being a productive and functioning adult human being. however, it sure can hit the spot! for now, my napping only occurs as a remedy to the night's previous overnight drunk but i am willing to give it a shot as it pertains to general boredom and ennui. what i don't get though is the scheduled power nap of which is squeezed into a time sensitive window. my napping occurs only on accident though, when i'm laying on my bed, watching tv. for example, i have colleagues who retreat to their car to nap during our one hour, company mandated lunch break. i also have friends who will retreat to their beds at 7pm before going out at 9pm. in both these scenarios i'd be so stressed out and concerned with falling asleep, yet not oversleeping, that i'd work myself up into a restless fit. the moral to this blog: don't catch z's, let z's catch you or... don't saw logs, blog blogs!

ba dum BLOG!!!

the buffalo blogs

if you really think about it, the concept of tighty-whities is quite the fallacious enterprise. i think they've been pretty much phased out by now, except for in novelty/comedic purposes, but tighty-whities were pretty much the standard for men’s undergarments for at least fifty years. of course, there are also boxers, but that’s a whole ‘nother bit of ridiculousness… that i can’t resist tangentalizin' on. i’ll be brief (pun INTENDED!), but i’ve tried wearing boxers a few times and they got all twisted around my trunk with half a leg sucked up into my abyss all whilst my elvis was floppin’ around in a perpetual leather stage. needless to say, boxers didn't quite cut the mustard but i digress… see, i’m not so bumped by the “tighty,” it’s the “whitey” that gets me. there are just waaay too many things that could go wrong down there in the "milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made" variety of which could compromise the “whitey” aspect of the “tighties.” that’s why i propose that all unmentionables should be of a reddish brown colour. no blood, no foul, right? "whitey" is setting waaay too "tighty" of a precedent with little to no margin for error. you wouldn’t wear white to a spaghetti dinner nor would you make brown toilet paper. let’s keep this world colour appropriate, people.

i can't count how many times i've been bro'n down with the homies, flippin' through the channels on a lazy saturday when the consensus demands we nest on telemundo for un momento during one of their poolside, bikini shows. or, i'll be casually making fun of their goofy tella novellas, as is "the soup's" wont, and a dude bra' will pervishly remark "yeah, but how hot are the chicks?" "not at all!," i say/blog. and, i get chastised for this. they're tacky and gross; fake boobs, big hair, layers of makeup and thick thighs a pretty lady does not make. i have nothing against mexicans either; there are plenty of classy, attractive mexican gals like penelope cruz, j-lo and even bjork. sure, i may sound like a racist but this point is analogous to my opinions of the "rock of love: bang bus" ladies. you can say the same exact things about them with all the fake boobs and makeup. obviously, american tv is just as bad but i don't hear anyone ever espousing the beauty of daisy or heather the 40-year-old stripper.

you ever stop and think about what's going on with the nomenclature of futbol americano's buffalo bills? first off, the very man they're named for, "buffalo" bill cody, received his "buffalo" moniker for his prowess in killing buffaloes. yet, the buffalo bills' mascot and logo are of a buffalo which undermines the man in which they're named for. effectively, they've chosen to treat their team bass ackwards with their identity representing the name of the city while the nickname is more or less an absentee placeholder. also, if you're familiar with o.j. simpson's bills of the 60's, you'd know that their indelible logo was a silhouette of a red buffalo which looked suspiciously like a bloodied buffalo carcass after "buffalo" bill cody had just shot and skinned it (violent o.j. parallels INTENDED!). you'd think the mascot/logo should be of "buffalo" bill cody and not the creature he just about single-handedly wiped off the continent. lastly, the city of buffalo was not even named for buffaloes the animal (they never even lived there!) but for a crude translation of beau fleuve, the french word for "beautiful river," after early settlers feasted their beady, frog eyes on the niagara river. then, to top it off, sources close to ba dum BLOGger have revealed that the niagara river isn't even "beautiful," but rather is a dried up, muddy crick. no wonder the bills lost four straight super bowls...

ba dum BLOG!!!

top 10 hottest chicks of all time: vol. 2

so, like i was saying... this is the second volume of my "top 10 hottest chicks of all time" blog. i originally blogged the first version on my 'space blog of yore and this doesn't replace the original top 10 nor is it merely an addendum, but a reimagining or, a reinvigoration, of sorts. again, i'll also try to stay away from the cliche, boring choices that you'll find on some lame maxim list. also, don't look too much into the order - there really is no rhyme or reason why "lady a" is above "lady b;" it's all happenstance and hand jobs, really. yeah, so that's that... it's a pretty self-explanatory list: these are gals that i wouldn't mind heavy petting (above or beneath clothes), dry and/or wet humping, taking to disneyland or eating their lung (thank you, big lurch http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Lurch.org/wiki/Big_Lurch).

10. shailene woodley

and, no... she is NOT yet 18, thank you very much. see, she's one of the gals i'd take to disneyland in lieu of the various forms of second base i'll be imagining myself doing with the other ladies listed. if you didn't know, she's the chick in that "secret life of the american teen" show on the abc family where her character is with child. shailene's inclusion raises an interesting philosophical question: is it less creepy or creepier that she's got a bun in the oven? with that said, i definitely find her hotter with the pillow strapped to her belly. but, to answer the question, i'd contend it's less creepy since she isn't really the youngest one in the picture anymore.

9. lo bosworth

she is a complete afterthought when it come to the ladies of "the hills." and, while most would say i'm being a contrairion in listing her above the likes of l.c., audrina and the legitimately ugly hedi, i believe that there's something about her big ears, crossed eyes and hooked nose that makes her a natural, albeit flawed, beauty. another thing, lo's character is commonly construed as being the "bitch" of the group however, this is only because she's the lone gal with a modicum of personality and brains among these vapid and vacuous vixens previously mentioned.

8. kristen kruek

***SPOILER ALERT***

since i'm kinda' sorta' half racist and a whole lot racial, kristin kreuk will be the only gal of colour on my list. and, fittingly enough, she is only half "gal of colour," herself. as it were and is, she is half white and half chinese - NEAT! that's all i really have to say about her... i've never really seen any of her shows or anything. i more or less only know of her from her neutrogena commercials. oooh, she is playing the new chun li, though!

7. betty draper

nope, not january jones, but her namesake on television's "mad men," betty draper, has made the list. see, it's the conglomeration of the frustrated housewife and all the '60's garb that really gets me going. i just love the hair, the dresses and all the oppressive underwears of the granny panties and cone brassier persuasion. and, to keep with the theme of the character and not the person, there was no hotter moment in television than mrs. draper's adulterous turn when she took a man in the bar lavatory in the season two finale of "mad men"... oooh, la and la!

6. ginnifer goodwin

this blog is about to take a decided turn for the blonde, skinny and young and i thought we needed a thirty-year-old, round faced brunette to serve as the proverbial calm before the storm. see, this girl is just pure spunk and, in the words of lou grant, "i hate spunk" (but really, he likes it...). anywho, ginnifer and i go all the way back to "ed" (the bowling alley lawyer, not the baseball playing monkey) where she played a geeky, bespectacled teen who may or may not have had intercourse with the mac jerk. and now, she's a perpetually pregnant, polygamous piece in "big love" - RAD.

5. olivia palermo

see, i usually eschew beauty for cute but there is just something about this lady that breaks through all my normal perversions and predilections. her features are just so goshdarn angular and striking you really can't take your eyes away from her; she's like a geometrist's nocturnal emission. oh, in case you've been living in a cave underneath the ocean (thank you, a-roid), she's a former new york city "it gal" and the bitch (HUGE bitch) in "the hills" spinoff, "the city." you watch, if you actually frequent "the city," you'd notice that whoever has the misfortune of sharing screentime with her gets a doughy faced, chinless makeover. poor whitney, she's gone from a 7.5 to a 6.1 :0(

4. emma watson

holy mackerel, hermione has aged well! it is definitely a rare and noteworthy occasion when a lady actually looks better at 18 than at 16 and please note that it's been noted first at http://www.blogger.com/www.badumblog.vlogspot.com. although, she does have a little bit of that thick browed, strong jawed look that afflicts so many englanders although, it offsets her youthful glow nicely for the perfect meeting betwixt maturity and... um, post-pubescence. also, please give me props and/or kudos for not resorting to any trite "wand" humour, spank you.

3. miriam mcdonald

who am i talking aboot? well, if you were from america's hat (canada), you'd know this gal as emma nelson, the star of "degrassi: the next generation." at 21, she is the antithesis of the gal previous, meaning, yes, she was, in fact, hotter at 16. nevertheless, she's still a fine piece of bronzed, blonde canadian arse and we can only hope she makes the jump from the ctv to the cw. meanwhile, we can still watch repeats of "degrassi" where her adventures take her anywhere from meeting her retarded biological father to contracting ghonorrhea from jay hogart down at the ravine. oh, canada...

2. bella thorne

hear me out!!! yes, she's only 12 *cringe* but i must harken back to a ba dum blogger who was only a sophomore in high school when he saw a 12-year-old lindsay lohan in "the parent trap" and proclaimed to his pal(s), "you watch, this gal and her british twin sister are gonna' be the cat's pajamas in couple of few..." and did my friends agree or give props and/or kudos? nay, they mocked me and deemed me a "pervert!" and now, i'll bring it up and no one even remembers or believes my foresight since it wasn't documented like i'm documenting this. see, i know these things and should be a casting director of some sort so we don't have the same unfortunate occurance that took place in "the wonder years" where winnie cooper aged from a cute kid to a square faced, broad shouldered not-so-attractive teenager. for more information, i blogged about this lady in a less creepy and more informative manner during the infant stages of badumblog http://badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/soulja-blog.html.
postscript: my roommate, david a. diano agrees with this observation and accepts this listing in the non-pedophilic spirit in which it's intended and presented, thank you.

1. taylor swift

fine, this pick may be a bit trendy and on the nose but i don't care; ba dum blogger likes himself some taylor swift! sure, with her beady eyes and slight overbite, she bares a more than a striking resemblance to the inbred, possum-faced, bango strummin' retard from "deliverance" but i believe in nuance and there is no more nuanced of a machine than that of a mind which can juxtapose and draw upon two such seemingly dissimilar things all in the name of raw, animalistic attraction. id est and/or ergo: ba dum blogger is an f'n genius who ironically blogs in the third blogger.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we're back biZZnatches!!!

****BONUS QUESTION***

what do 2/3 of these ladies have in common? hint: it's an example of one of ba dum blogger's favorite literary devices.