ba dum BLOG!!!

my top-10 l.a. celebrity sightings: part 2

2011-01-19T21:02:00.001-08:00

without further ado, the thrilling conclusion...

in alphabetical and numerical order (can you believe no celebs farther along the alphabet than "l"??? weird.

6. zac efron (taller)/vanessa hudgens(shorter)
i believe this is my only "couple" sighting. for those of you who have been living under a rock, zack and vanessa are the stars of disney's "high school musical" series where their on-screen romance carried over to real life. however, as of the blogging of this blog, their relationship seems to be in a state of flux where their on-again/off-again canoodling has been a hot topic in the rags. anyway, i was in sherman oaks (of course!) walking along ventura blvd. when they just popped out of nowhere! my first inclination was to look for paparazzi (there wasn't any) because one of my dreams has always been to be in the background of a tabloid pic of a celebrity.

digression: can you believe out of all these celebrities i've encountered i've only seen the paparazzi once! and, that was when they were camped out in front of michael jackson's parents' house after he died.

then, since i'm a creep, i decided to follow the pair to get a closer look. i trailed them to aahs!! "the ultimate gift store" which, coincidentally enough, had a display of "high school musical" chatskie in the window! it was there i noticed that zac was significantly taller than me and had a waist size no bigger than 28 inches - the perfect body! next, i turned my attention to vanessa who was absolutely tiny and talked in a baby voice (couldn't quite make out their conversation in my eavesdropping efforts). i quickly realized "wait a second, i've seen vanessa naked! i have her nude pictures on my computer!" i lingered a little longer for some foreplay, undressed her with my eyes a bit and then rushed home to seal the deal... my most gratifying encounter yet ;0)

7. selena gomez (taller than me)
another disney gal! i spied selena at poquito mas in, you guessed it, the ooooaaksss!!! poquito mas is a funny place; it's basically just a better version of baja fresh but they get celebrity patronage to the point where they have stickers on the doors that say something to the effect of "no picture taking. no autographs." i did see david caruso there once too so i guess there is something to it. back to selena; she was much taller than i would've guessed, awkwardly skinny, surprisingly buxom but with a teeny little baby head - she's like one of those kids books where you can mix and match all their different body parts. physically, not a fan but she seemed very nice; especially when a few little girls worked up the courage and sheepishly approached her just to say "hi." they took no photos and asked for no autographs.

8. dave grohl (taller than me)
mr. grohl has always intrigued me because i am not a fan of his music AT ALL (i know... everybody loves him) but am a fan of his personality. he's kind of like the opposite of terrell owens where, in his prime, was one of my favourite athletes to watch EVER. yet, i couldn't stand his personality and generally wished ill upon him. all that aside, i saw him too at aahs!! "the ultimate gift store" in sherman oaks where we were both standing in the checkout line when an overzealous fan asked to get a pic with him but grohl had his little girl in his arms and he justly replied "not today, i'm here with my kid." good for grohl! kids of stars shouldn't be subjected to glad handing with fans during a non-entertainment related outing. also interesting to note is that this sighting occurred during sherman oaks' biannual street fair where they shut down traffic betwixt kester and van nuys. other celebrities spied by me during these various oaks' fairs of which i've attended: gary cole of "the brady bunch movie" and "office space" fame as well as michael rooker from such hits as "mallrats" and "tombstone."

9. hugh laurie (taller than me)
this kinda sorta breaks my "no-celebrities-at-work" rule but i wasn't technically at work and neither was he. i was on the studio lot of my place of employment (i don't work on the lot) for some meshugana corporate training class and hugh was just leaving the gym. poor hugh was completely drenched in sweat, all hunched over and completely BALD in the back! as a balding man myself it's comforting to see the high and mighty of hollywood who are afflicted with the same malady and don't take the easy way out of shaving their head. of course, house of "house md" doesn't have a bald spot so i'm guessing he wears some sort of piece or toupee while acting. i'm okay with this but why can't house have a bald spot? here, he has the perfect opportunity to be someone for those of us in the bald community to look up to but instead he eschews this chance at heroism in lieu of vanity. sad.

10. julia louis-dreyfuss (shorter than me)
what a coup! who would've thought that a loser kid from salinas, ca would ever cross paths with one of the "fab four." i was at a movie theatre in west la when i saw her and she was absolutely BREATHTAKING! by far, she is the the most attractive celebrity i've ever seen. it was almost shocking to see a celebrity woman of her age and ilk with no signs of makeup, botox or any other kind of weirdo surgery. i'm not sure what movie she was seeing but she was with her husband and in a rush to catch her showing when an older couple approached her to tell her how they were visiting from out of town and what big fans they were. julia asked where they were from and when they responded she said "so sorry, gotta run!" and, as she was scampering away the older gentleman called after her "saw something about your new show on hbo! it looks great!!!" cute <3

ba dum BLOG!!!

my top-10 l.a. celebrity sightings: part 1

2011-01-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

an old high school chum of mine runs a website called "hollywood swagger ." he recently asked me if i'd be interested in doing some guest blogging for his site on the subject of celebrity life/gossip in hollywood. although i've lived in los angeles for five years, i can probably count on one hand the times i've actually indulged in the hollywood "scene." so, i'm gonna give you an exclusive peek into my own not-so-hollywoodish brushes with fame.

first, there are some guidelines: 1) no celebrities actually performing - for example, seeing jimmy kimmel (jimmy kimmel live!) or chuck woolery (lingo) at the taping of their shows doesn't count. 2) no celebrities at my place of employment - i work at a building with a studio where various sports/reality stars come to film stuff so i don't really count that. to that note, i really must briefly mention that dennis rodman once strolled past my cubicle, i shared a mutual thumbs-up with andrei kirilenko and i've ridden in the elevator with two of "the brady bunch" brothers (peter and greg) on separate occasions! 3) this isn't really a "rule" but more of a warning to how boring this blog is gonna play out - i only approach celebrities or speak to them when i have something to offer them in the way of making their day better. to this point, i've only actually verbally interacted with ONE celebrity. betcha can't wait to find out who!!!

in alphabetical and numerical order

1. alec baldwin (taller than me)
this might be the most talented and relevant celeb (at the time) i've ever seen. i was on my way to the 24-hour fitness at the sherman oaks galleria at like 7am one saturday morning when, as i opened the door to the gymnasium, out came a briskly walking, trench coat wearing alec baldwin! now this guy was literally HUGE - big head, broad shoulders, tall and thick (fat) - HUUUUGE!

2. mr. boston (taller than me)
yup, this is my one celebrity interaction and, indubitably, the least significant "celebrity" to make the blog. you may or may not know mr. boston from such vh1 reality hits as "i love new york" or "i love money." he played the part of the hilariously awkward, yet charming, dorky white guy. nevertheless, i was out at the parlor bar in santa monica when i spotted him and he was just with some other dorky white guy looking like he was wanting to be noticed. since i knew from his shows that he had an identical twin brother, my opening line to him was "are you him or are you his twin." and, he proudly replied "i'm him!" so, we chatted for a bit and i told him how much i liked his work and he agreed to take a pic with me. he was very gracious and friendly and it couldn't have been a more friendly experience.

3. chyna (taller than me)
you remember chyna? she was the juiced up, manly looking gal of wwf fame. she was a founding member of d-generation x, dated triple h (4-realz) and even did a porno movie with then boyfriend sean waltman (1,2,3 kid/x-pac). unfortunately, her "movie" is where we learned of the adverse effects that steroids can have on the female genitalia. anyway, i saw her in the check-out line at the ralph's in sherman oaks and i promptly queued up behind her where i noticed she was extremely slimmed down from her body building days and smelled of stripper.

4. kyle gass (shorter)/roger lodge (shorter)/joe montagna (taller)/gary oldman (shorter)/wee-man (shorter)

this is a cosmic 5-way tie where these seemingly unrelated stars have something very bizarre in common; i have seen each of these celebrities on two separate, completely unrelated instances.
- i saw kyle gass of "tenacious d" fame driving down my street in sherman oaks (can't remember the type of car) and at the piano bar, howl at the moon, at the universal city walk. in fact, i DID kinda interact with him (i forgot!) because it was my birthday and my friends convinced him to sing his song "f' her gently" and we joined in with him. i then drunkenly put my arm around him where i immediately felt him tense up. i made him feel uncomfortable :0/
- roger lodge was the host of "blind date" who always dressed like a mime and whose sole contribution to the show was saying things like "boy, that didn't go so well..." i saw him once at disneyland and the other time at the california chicken cafe in sherman oaks.
- wee-man is best and only known as the midget from jackass. the first time i saw him wasn't in l.a. but it was at the new york, new york casino in las vegas and we happened to ride the roller coaster together. he was with a bunch of normal sized goth chicks. the second time was at this gas station in west l.a.
- joe mantagna is one of those guys you know but have no clue what you've seen him in. i saw him at the restaurant he owns in burbank called taste chicago (he wasn't working, he just dropped in for a second to drop something off and left) and the second time was at a screening of alice in wonderland at the el capitan theatre in hollywood - this is my one actual "hollywood" sighting i guess.
- gary oldman is a big-time, british character actor who often plays parts where he's wearing a lot of makeup or is in some sort of a elaborate get-up so i gave myself total celebrity-stalking street cred when i recognized him. the one time i saw him just strolling through the aforementioned city walk (not sure why i've spent so much time there) and the other time was at the baja fresh in sherman oaks. both times he was dressed kinda punk rockerish which made him look at least twenty years younger - very hip!
really, how fantastically weird is all this??? us six must be connected or something.

5. brian george (taller than me)
babu bhatt!!!! this was definitely the most excited i've ever been with a celebrity sighting. if you don't know who brian george is than it's your loss and you must be a "berry bad man... berry, berry bad man!" i spied him at the pavilions in sherman oaks and i surreptitiously followed him around, trying to work up the courage to approach him but i just couldn't do it. like with chyna, i queued up behind him in the check-out line (like a creep) and continued to linger in silence until he left the store.

stay tuned... part 2 to come shortly!

ba dum BLOG!!!

considering hanna-barbera

2011-01-17T16:52:00.000-08:00

opening digression: happy dr. mlk jr. day!!! let's talk about 50-year-old cartoon characters... parenthetically speaking, did you notice the dearth of black representation at the golden globes last night? we only remember seeing halle berry (half black) and blair underwood (half an actor). and, if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face to our friends of colour on mlk eve, the gays decidedly ruled the event (winners: "the kids are alright," jim parsons, "glee," jane lynch and chris colfer) thus solidifying the growing trend of 'mos becoming the new bros. yes, the black community can be VERY homophobic...

we've blogged about cartoons before; be it about the similarities betwixt old disney cartoons and "seinfeld" or the uncanny parallels between "tale-spin" and "cheers." those were just unsubstantiated theories on our part but today we will be blogging a bit about well-documented cartoon FACT that most of you people may not be entirely aware of. to some of you, the hanna-barbera era of cartoon dominance during the 1960s-80s was one of mass-produced, low quality and heavily recycled flimflam that paled in comparison to that of which disney and warner bros once offered. while the statement prior holds much truth, we here at ba dum BLOG!!! LOVED that era and are endlessly fascinated by hanna-barbera's penchant for basing their characters on famous celebrities and sitcoms of the time. while some of these doppelgangers are more transparent and obvious than others, we are steadfast in our belief that the following will provide the same joy and entertainment that these beloved classic cartoon characters and mostly dead entertainers did some 40-50 years ago - relevant and timely ;0)

huckleberry hound and andy griffith (alive!)

although the voice of huckleberry hound, daws butler, denies it, the blue dog's southern drawl, slow moving gait and reasoned, backwoodsy approach to logic bears a more than striking similarity to that of north carolinian comedian/actor andy griffith.

yogi bear and art carney as ed norton (dead)

as you will see, hanna-barbera also had a wont for using famous sitcom characters as inspiration. here, we have yogi bear's hat, voice mannerisms and cadence supplied by that of ed norton's classic portrayal of art carney of honeymooners fame. next, we will see a whole entire show that was plucked from this famous sitcom.

the flintstones and the entire cast of the honeymooners (all dead except for joyce randolph/trixie norton)

yup, here we have hb using a whole sitcom and its entire cast of characters as its influence. some call it plagiarism, others call it tribute but we call it blog fodder. most famous and possibly most blatant of the inspirations was that of fred flintstone and jackie gleason/ralph kramden - from his blustery bombast and scheming ways all the way down to his love for bowling, fred was ralph to the tee! and, yes, we have another art carney doppelganger in the guise of fred's dimwitted but loyal bff and neighbour, barney rubble. of course, their respective wives are analogous to their counterparts as well.

snagglepuss and bert lahr (dead)

"who's bert lahr?" you ask. he only turned in perhaps the most underrated comedic cinematic performance of ALL-TIME as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. and, while the ambiguous theater-loving pink mountain lion is mostly attributed to that of the aforementioned "lion" he also was highly influenced by lahr's turn as the commander in meet the people where he first uttered snagglepuss' famous catchphrase "heavens to "murgatroyd!"

top cat and the phil silvers show (all dead)

here, we have less of an outright faccimile as is with the flintsones and the honeymooners but more of an amalgamation and homage. top cat's, a con artist alley cat, voice and character is very similar to that of "the king of chutzpah," phil silvers while tc's gang of alley cats also drew from the characters of the eponymously titled the phil rivers show. but even still, the bowery boys of moving pictures fame is also said to have been behind top cat. rich, complex and thrilling!

hokey wolf and phil silvers (still dead)

talk about hokey! much like with art carney's multiple appearances, hanna-barbera found enough shameless energy to even copy themselves once again with phil silvers and hokey wolf. yup, hokey wolf is a fast-talking con-man as well (how appropriate as hb is conning us once again!) and he's flanked by his pal, ding-a-ling wolf, who is inspired by buddy hackett (also dead) - what a comedic pairing!

jabberjaw and curly howard (dead)

here we have a shark who is also the drummer in an all human band called "the neptunes." the anthropomorphic great white also shares the voice and mannerisms of the three stooges curly howard and the catchphrase of "no respect" with one, rodney dangerfield (dead).

wally gator and ed wynn (dead)

of course, disney-philes would know ed wynn as the mad hatter in alice in wonderland and uncle albert in mary poppins. but it was the broader comedic stylings of this jewish vaudeville star that somehow juxtaposed beautifully with wally gator - the cajun, zoo escapee. how they made this odd connection, we will never know... because hanna and barbera are both dead.

scooby-doo, where are you! and the many loves of dobie gillis (some alive! but mostly dead)

famously, scooby-doo was taken from frank sinatra's scat improvisation in the song "strangers in the night." but did you know that scooby's loyal gang of mystery solvers was taken from the sitcom the many loves of dobie gillis? of COURSE you didn't! most notably, norville "shaggy" rogers was inspired by the goateed beatnik maynard g. krebs who was played by bob denver who would later go on to famously play gilligan in gilligan's island. less notably, fred was based on dobie while daphne and velma were thalia and zelda (presumably, two of the "many loves") respectively.

ba dum BLOG!!!

considering nfl team helmet logos

2010-12-19T14:41:00.000-08:00

in alphabetical and numerical order

1. buffalo bills
surely one can draw some ironic glee from the buffalo bills helmet logo. the team is named for one, buffalo bill, who received his nickname for being the preeminent buffalo killer of the wild wild west. yet, the team he is named for, contradictorily features a buffalo! this would be analogous to the new york jets having the twin towers on their helmet. to even further complicate matters, buffalo bill has nothing to do with buffalo, new york nor does buffalo, new york have anything to do with buffaloes. in fact, the city is thought to have not even been named for the animal but for the corrupted french phrase beau fleuve which means "beautiful river." also, is that a red spear going through the logo's head or just a design emblematic of movement?

2. cleveland browns
even though the cleveland browns are named for their onetime owner and head coach, paul brown, and not the colour (brown), their logo-less helmet may be better served with brown (the colour) as its primary feature. the franchise has obviously made the colour/name connection with their brown jerseys so why go with the orange helmets? this only draws attention to the unsavory fact that the browns remain the only nfl team sans logo. while i recognize that no two colours better represent a bleak and downtrodden rust belt city like orange and brown, i would humbly suggest that brown and brown double up as the team's primary and secondary colours with orange providing the tertiary hue.

3. green bay packers
not only is the green bay packers' helmet logo the only of the two-worded cities to be represented by just the one letter (for example: san francisco- sf, kansas city - kc, new york-ny, green bay - g), but is also the only design of which has been propagated by an extra-terrestrial based, apocalyptic suicide cult. yes, the infamous heaven's gate cult used the packers famous "g" aesthetic as their own when, in march 1997, their leader, marshall applewhite, and 39 of his acolytes committed mass suicide during the period when the hale-bopp comet was at its brightest. but perhaps the most interesting/spooktacular coincidence(?) is that the green bay packers appeared in and won their first super bowl in thirty years just a few months before the heaven's gate cult took their own lives... and they haven't won one since.

4. miami dolphins
surely, the most egregious helmet logo faux pas is occurring in miami with their dolphins. the dolphins logo features a seemingly innocuous helmet wearing dolphin majestically breaching through a brilliantly blazing ring of fire. however, upon closer inspection, one may realize that the miami dolphins logo is swimming for another team! look at its helmet; it's emblazoned with an orange "m." why isn't this dolphin adorning the same helmet that dan marino, larry csonka or reggie roby proudly wore? what team is this charlatan playing for??? upon our thorough detective work we have found that this dolphin masquerading as the miami dolphin plays for the marlow high mud thumpers of kentucky - a landlocked state, no less!!!

5. new england patriots
with its sideburn(s), powerful chin, pouty lips and kinetic design the new england patriots logo is affectionately known to boston sports fans as "the flying elvis." however, one may (as several have) muse that the long and strong profile may more closely resemble massachusetts' own, john kerry. perhaps kerry, a longtime senator and one time presidential candidate, would provide a more appropriate allusion to the pat's logo as a real life "new england patriot" than elvis, a pelvis shaking southern boy, would.

6. oakland raiders
interestingly enough, the eye-patched and smirking buccaneer of the raiders logo isn't merely a generic face but one that is said to be modeled after longtime hollywood leading man, randolph scott. while scott was mostly known for his work in westerns, it was assuredly his role as the quarrelsome, though cultured pirate, adam mercy, in the motion picture, "captain kidd," that led to his depiction as the raider of the oakland raiders. also worthy of note is the fact that scott was the subject of rumours that paired him in a longtime homosexual relationship with screen legend, cary grant. with that said, please refrain from making any "swabbing the poopdeck," "raising the misen mast" and/or "raiding the booty" bon mots. thank you.

7. pittsburgh steelers
the steelers own the distinction of being the only nfl team to have their logo appear on one side of their helmet. this was not an act of randomness but rather one of first pragmatism and later style where owner, art rooney, did this as a test to see how the logo appeared during games and its popularity led the team to leave it that way permanently. the logo's three "astroids" (red, yellow and blue hypocycloids of four cusps) were originally representative of the phrase "steel lightens your work, brightens your leisure, and widens your world" but were later known to symbolize the ingredients used in the steel-making process: yellow for coal, red for iron ore, and blue for scrap steel. and, contrary to rumours, we did not "steel" this information from the wikipedia. lolz, jk - we, like, totally did.

8. seattle seahawks
when one thinks of american indian inspired helmet logos they usually draw upon either that of the washington redskins or the kansas city chiefs. however, the first logo that comes to our mind is the totem inspired design of the seattle seahawks. sadly, no genre of american art has been more overlooked than that from our native friends of the pacific northwest. while the chiefs chose a logo inspired by death (an arrowhead) and the redskins with their decidedly racist moniker, the seahawks have literally soared above all else in featuring a tribute to their brilliantly painted carvings of story and tradition - bravo, cheers and how!

9. st. louis rams
the honours of the first ever and best ever helmet logo belong to the st. louis (by way of cleveland and by way of los angeles) rams. in an oxymoronic flurry of flamboyant machismo, commercial artist/rams halfback, fred gehrke, first painted horns on his leather helmet all the way back in 1948. thusly, if there is one quadrupedal animal who stands hooves and paws above all others in their football personification representation it is that of a ram and, incidentally enough, the horns on the helmet translate beautifully as well. sure, like most animals, rams can't carry, pass or kick a ball but their ramming, as it were, is beautifully symbolic of the action that occurs on the line of scrimmage during each and every single play. as die-hard 49er fans, we can only hope our dyed-in-the-wool (pun INTENDED) rams fans don't read into this too much and see this moment of blatant objectivity as an opportunity to toot their own horns (pun INTENDED again!!!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 3: episode 3

2010-09-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

if i could stop it with this incessant, muttley like giggling after every little thing i say this might've been a half decent pod. seriously, i need to fix this... be that as it may, we welcomed the JUDD monster to our humble studio where we discussed such sundry topics as pubic hair, ghost stories, john wayne and pubic hair (let me link you to the much ballyhooed demi moore bush pics ). we also blew this motha' open with an all new "ba dum POD!!! top-5 list" where we discussed the greatest teen movies of all time - NEAT! we also please ask you, the listener, to weigh in on if my verbal bullying of poor nick JUDD was distatsteful or was my incredulous nature at his slow uptake and lack of podcast chemistry warranted? see, as the pod was being podded, i thought i was being funny and we were kinda doing a bit then, immediatelty after podding commenced, i felt like i was a massive jerk and, after just relistening to the pod, i felt myself getting frustrated with JUDD all over again. how say you? was i the "heavy?" oh, and stay tuned for "producer dave's corrections!!!!"

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 3: episode 2

2010-09-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

the production quality of the pod has reached a new level. producer dave has really come into his own and absolutely shines in the ba dum POD!!! debut of his very own segment, "producer dave's corrections." meanwhile, back on the ranch, we are also proud to welcome back kelly #1 as we pod poetic on such topics as her hives and family vacation to yellowstone. also, we reveal our top-5 tv dramas of all-time and roast some awful facebookers in our very ugly, new segment, "ba dum POD's awful facebook statuses.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum pod!!! season 3: episode 1

2010-08-18T06:36:00.000-07:00

and we're baaaaaaaack !!! wow, more than a month has passed since we podded last... sad face :0( but, the hiatus is over and it's the season three premiere where the official voice of the pod, leeroy mcdizzle, Is our guest for the third straight season premiere and the 37th time overall. in this week's episode, we espouse the values of not putting criminals in prison, suicide and extortion - NEAT! we also premiere two new clearly defined, produced segments where we list the "top 5 gays we wouldn't mind engaging in sexual activities with. and, we answer some lame hypothetical question about going to the moon in lieu of traveling to europe... or something like that. oh, and one correction: the son of sam's name is david berkowitz which i totally knew but just blanked on and he is a star in the prison system for his mentoring work with new inmates and such. and please, don't tune out before (or after) we discuss snagglepuss' salad days and/or we encounter a rare antonymical homophone (really, it's AMAZING!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 6

2010-07-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

where to begin?!?!? never has so little been said about so much than in our latest pod offering. we had our first female guest of the season - the very single amy martinez and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife... ooh, la and la!!! there are many things to be learned in this pod like why won't amy watch me eat a banana, what part of mexico is el salvador in, how hot is brody jenner, what ethnicity is mark paul gosselar, how did i do with the ladies at the wedding and what hollywood star did i write a love letter to in high school??? so, really... listen, laugh, repeat!

ba dum POD!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 5

2010-06-14T21:36:00.001-07:00

what a banner pod we just podded with ba dum POD!!! newcomer gregory shull! ENOUGH WITH THE BLOG-UP... it's a good one, trust me - it pods for itself. just know that we all managed to reveal some secrets that neither of us even knew about each other. and, we even had a cameo from the ba dum POD!!! intern. really, peep this ruckus - it was HELLA good :0)

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 4

2010-06-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

finally, the long awaited geeeene singletary/houseboats pod is here! in the first half of this week's pod we get to know geeeene, do a little bit of houseboats prognostications. and then, in the second half, i do my best to articulate the craziness that was the hb2k10 weekend. as per usual, my storytelling is horrendous and i'm sure i've missed a few key details. i'm also certain i forgot to mention a few of my fellow houseboaters and i apologize for that. to keep the excuse train rolling forward, i was also dealing with a chest cold/asthma sort of thing in part one so my energy and alacrity was not where it should've been. so, there you have it. oh, and we also share some secrets which proved to be a very dangerous enterprise as loose lips sink houseboats.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 3

2010-05-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

does anybody actually read these blog-ups or do you just go straight to the pod? either way, here it be!!! we had our first, first-time guest of the season - my pal and colleague, jon. we podded A LOT about "lost" and a little about the lakers and kobe bean bryant. however, there's also plenty of non-"lost" stuff to pique your interests and, even non-losties should be able to appreciate the nitty gritty of it all. so, please... sit back, relax and remember that ba dum POD!!! resides at the intersection of entertainment and boredom.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 2

2010-05-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

wow, this pod was electric!!! we had a liquored up "don't call me young" jarrod as our guest, some in-depth basketball talk, the debut of america's new favourite pod segment: "ba dum POD!!! secrets" and i even got called a "racist"... NEAT!!! i'm actually blogging this blog-up before i've had a chance to re-listen to the pod so i don't really know if all this is true but you people don't read this crap anyway, right? this also might be our slickest podcast yet in terms of production with all the work producer dave did in post. at least i think so... again, i haven't listened yet. why don't you listen and tell me? alright, i just listened to the first 10 minutes and i already interrupted jarrod's drake jag.... what i think he was getting to was how drake doesn't even have an album but still has a sprite video. oh, and i was wrong about brandon and his dad on 90210... james eckhouse was 14-years-older than jason priestly as opposed to the "five or ten" year difference.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! season 2: episode 1

2010-05-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

malcolm gladwell's "outliers" taught us that the best of the best all got there by spending at least 10,000 hours doing that one thing they are now the best at. i don't need to be the best podcaster or even good but i'd like to at least be satisfactory, which i'm not. i've now podded twelve hours worth of pods and am still no better than i was during pod one. why can't i just be good from the get go? producer dave was a good producer from the get go (except for that one snafu during this week's pod). i bet i'd be a great guest... i really do. it's funny how that works because martin short was one of the best guests there ever was on the late night circuit but then they give him his own talk show thinking that woukd translate and he was terrible. however, richard dawson was a stand-out panelist on the "match game" so they gave him "the family feud" and he was gangbusters! so, i really don't know what i'm saying... just listen to the pod with friend of the pod, lee (last name witheld because we talk about naughty things).

ba dum BLOG!!!

blog watch

2010-04-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

for the most part, i believe wristwatches have become a bit superfluous. we all have cell phones, right? and, i can't rightly think of one thing a wristwatch can do that a cell phone can't. conversely, look at the many things a cell phone can do that wristwatches can't even dream of doing. there's no need to litanize but, if you did, wristwatches come out a pretty silly and antiquated trinket by comparison. tangentially, this is especially noteworthy considering how bass-ackwards prescient chester gould was when he created dick tracy's two-way wrist radio. anyway, the only thing i can figure is that wristwatches provide douchebags a vehicle at which to promote their status, wealth and/or fashion. in fact, i'd venture to say that wristwatch wearers have a 73% higher chance at being a jerk than non wristwatch wearers. just watch (pun INTENDED), next time (even STILL, intended) you're out and about check out the dudes wearing timepieces and ask yourself if they look like they're more interested in punctuality or using every square inch of their being to cover themselves with look-at-me accoutrements. come to think of it, the whole cell phone enlightenment might really benefit the male bracelet market. hey fellas, why not trade in your rolex for a no-nonsense, diamond embossed bracelet? actually, when i occasionally patronize la-cool-dude-bars, i've noticed that the wristwatch and bracelet have sort of merged into this gaudy amalgamation of a watch face that is matter-of-factly connected to either a thick, leather strap (watch-belt) or necktie fabric (watch-tie). LOOK, it's almost as if the belt/tie is trying to swallow the watch face! neat, huh?

ba dum BLOG!!!

problogateur

2010-04-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

when offered a provocative or loaded statement, most people choose to be offended because it's the easier row to hoe than actual comprehension. taking offense is crude, emotional and reactionary while comprehension requires thought and brainpower. however, in this perverted reality we inhabit, the provocateur who dares so much as to elicit thought is maligned and seen as the crude one or the heel while the delicate flower that is the offended party is pandered to and lauded as heroic for standing up to said evil, offending rabble-rouser. are there offensive statements/people? absolutely. yet, 87% of people who find themselves offended are just too dumb, lazy, uncomfortable and/or scared to expand their ever so myopic horizons. please, consider the tale of jimmy the greek. mr. the greek was a wildly popular television personality and gambler extraordinaire who was fired from his twelve-year position as contributor to "the nfl today" on cbs in 1988 for making racially charged statements when a television reporter asked for his thoughts on civil rights in pro sports while he was eating dinner (on dr.mlk.jr's bday no less). an unprepared and obviously overserved jimmy the greek mused that:

"whites were holding on to coaching jobs because, with blacks dominating the playing fields, management was the only role left for them."

then, he dared to hypothesize and delve further into why exactly the vast majority of the nfl is black:

"the black is a better athlete to begin with. he practices to be the better athlete and he's been bred to be that way - because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. this goes back all the way to the civil war when during the slave trading, the owner — the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid."

the greek would offer a full apology later that same day but it was already too late. multiple groups called for his ouster and cbs obliged. now, on the surface, what the greek said sounds awful and ludicrous but only because that's the way we've been conditioned to feel and not think. and, admittedly so, it wasn't the most articulate or eloquently put theory either (but, is it so awful see a group of people dominating a particular field and not ask "why?"). however, this is a prime example of why people choose the emotional response of offense in lieu of the thoughtful response of comprehension when offered a provocative statement - it's easier. neither blacks or whites want to be reminded of slavery nor do they want to acknowledge the parallels professional sports draws to slavery where white owners are profiting from the physical endeavors of blacks. even still, we have the harder-to-swallow (albeit, morbidly ironic) thought that african american's success in athletics may be a result of slavery. no one wants to think of that but shouldn't our first instinct be to have the intellectual curiosity to at least attempt to arrive at a biologically/sociologically endpoint to either prove or disprove this? as a lay blogger, it doesn't seem so far-fetched to me that the horrors and evils of slavery may have contributed to blacks' athletic success in america. is this the case? i dunno. and, we never will know if we all don't get past the emotional immaturity of taking offense when there is some actual knowledge and answers to be gained. in short, let us quench our thirst for knowledge, not our thirst for blood.

ba dum BLOG!!!

blog movements

2010-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

one would think that target's customer restrooms would utilize some of the high quality toilet paper product of which can be found on their very own store shelves for purchase. as i would find out, this assumption was WRONG!!! see, i must preface this with the fact that i suffer from self-diagnosed "bowel anxiety disorder" (bad). this is where my own anxiety at being away from home and a proper toilet wills my bowel movements (bms) into action - ie, i only need to bm when it is inconvenient to do so. for example, on my recent road trip from los angeles to san francisco, i had to make frequent stops at various fast food establishments and fill-up stations just to ease my bad when, in actuality, i probably didn't even really need to go - this included a very special secret bm where i had to squat behind a bush in a field juxtaposed to the 280 freeway. but, i digress... would you believe that target's customer restrooms are using that super thin, scratchy and papery toilet paper that they wouldn't even dare try to sell in a million years?!?! how can a store that peddles wares employ a lower grade ware than they are otherwise peddling? this would be analogous to a sherwin williams store painting their walls and exterior with crayola finger paints or chevron tanker trucks running on rotten robbie gasoline. on a positive note, let's hope i can be as courageous and influential for bowel anxiety disorder as rob reiner has been to groats.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we are experimenting with the idea of posting more blogs with less content in lieu of less blogs with more content.

things ba dum BLOGger can't/won't do part 1

2010-01-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

as a youth, when faced with a difficult challenge that i saw as insurmountable, my dad would invariably say "can't means won't." and, i didn't... hence this blog i'm blogging. see, i'm incredibly stubborn, terribly lazy and a super fantastic, #1 quitter. so here's a list of all the things i can't/won't do for reasons and/or excuses ranging from too hard, not interested, too boring, too lame, too much work, not enough time, etc. oh, and for the sake of clarity: "can't" means unable to, while "won't" means the refusal to.

1. can't light a match/lighter: i've tried both to mixed/unsatisfactory results. as far as matches go, i just don't get how the unsturdiness of the flimsy wooden stick can withstand the strike against the phosphorous stuff. i've tried and i always break the match. as luck would have it, i have nary a use for a match anyway. i'm a straight dude, so i don't like candles. i don't share a bathroom, so i can let my stench linger. i'm a jehova's witness, so i don't celebrate birthdays. and, so on... then, there's lighters. during my ever so fleeting social pot usage phase, i could never light the pipe and/or bong and/or joint without practically burning my thumb off. i just couldn't work out the angles. i think this is one of the main reasons why i never really got into the marijuana; i just couldn't negotiate the paraphernalia.

2. won't play poker: i grew up playing card games like old maid, go fish, rummy, crazy eights, uno, solitaire and war. and now, as an adult, i can spend hours on end playing blackjack in casinos. so, why no poker? i think i was just such a late adapter i always saw the learning curve as too steep and i don't wanna be "that guy" who doesn't know what he's doing and holding up the game for everyone else. see, i'm just an inherently selfless dude. besides, those shade wearing, stoic poker guys on tv seem like the lamest, no-fun-party-guys EVER. there couldn't be less charismatic, less compelling ambassadors for their "sport." poker??? i just met her!!!

3. can't swim: this is maybe the one thing i can see myself learning sometime soon. i really want to be able to swim, i really do but i just never learned and have been relegated to laying out at pool parties and manning the chum bucket while on boats. however, i do occasionally jump in the wayer and treat everyone to my patented sidewinding, super splishy-splashy, doggie-paddle. i don't know what happened - i took swimming lessons as a kid but i guess it just never took. i think i had trouble figuring out how to dunk my head underwater without the water going up my nose. even as i blog this blog, i can't rightly wrap my head around how this is done. can a 27-year-old balding guys even take swimming lessons???

4. won't drive a stick shift: i bet i could learn how after a day of strenuous tutelage but why bother? i'm not a car dude AT ALL and hate driving as it is so i don't see why i'd want to extend any more superfluous attention towards driving than i need to. i remember when i was 15 and all the talk around the house was about me getting a car and my dad suggested the economic value of a stick shift and my mom said "no son of mine is driving a stick shift!" go, mom! just look at it this way: who would ever choose "manual" over "automatic" as an option for anything. it's just inefficient. besides, how would you text, hold hands with your gf/bf, eat and/or jo if you had to worry about shifting your stick all the time?

5 can't type: can you believe a blogger of my caliber only uses two fingers to type? crazy, huh? i somehow slipped through the cracks of 12 years of catholic school without ever learning to type. i don't even think it was ever really required of me. i remember at some point my parents bought me the "mavis beacon teaches typing" game for the computer but it was just too hard and i gave up. and i've logged TONS of hours typing too. i mean, i'm like a blogger! whenever people would ask me about it i'd usually just lie and tell them i broke my arm during typing class. then, i ended up taking a typing test for some city library job i applied to and found out i can type 45 words per minute while only using two fingers. now i don't have to lie because i'm like a typing champion and i have the certificate from the city of salinas to prove it.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ba dum BLOGger says this is "part one" of two because he has oodles more things he can't/won't do but, as it turns out, he now says he can't/won't do a part two.

ho, ho, blog

2009-12-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

now, of course, the bible's xmas story never happened and is a complete act of fiction but that doesn't mean it's not interesting and that some aspects of it aren't at least blog worthy, right? one of my favourite parts of the story involves the three wisemen. so, these fellas see some star in the sky of which heralds the birth of the saviour and they decide to schlep across the desert bearing gifts (more on these "gifts" later). however, these wisemen aren't all that wise because, while they may know about the star, they don't know where jesus is being birthed. this leads them to jerusalem where they ask king herrod where the messiah is being born. of course, king herrod isn't even aware that a messiah is being born but his officials knew enough of the fairytale within the fairytale to know that it would all be going down in bethlehem. unfortunately, the not-so-wisemen weren't prescient enough to realize that king herrod was a nut and would be jealous of a new king. and, of course, this leads herrod to have all baby boys within the vicinity of bethlehem, two years and under, to be slaughtered. good looking out, wisemen!!! i also like how the "two years and under" part suggest that the wisemen were a few years late to the birth... i mean, lolzzz, right? then there's the gifts... and what did these men of infinite knowledge bestow upon the son of god? gold, frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh. yes, myrrrrrrrrrh. lame-o!!! talk about the proverbial coal in the stocking. sure, maybe joseph could take the gold to the pawn shop but frankincense and myrrrrrrrrh? how about a rattle, a tickle-me-elmo or a schtickle of nouget? frankincense is like perfume and myrrrrrrh is an embalming oil for, you know, like dead people. maybe the myrrrrrrh is for all the dead baby carcasses on the hands of the wisemen. three wisemen??? more like the three stooges!!!

call me a scrooge or a shylock but i only buy xmas presents for the five people i will be seeing on xmas; of whom are my mom, dad, brother, grandma and grandpa. that's it, i'm sorry. and i buy them hella presents - like, hella good presents. i spoil them and i know them well enough so i know exactly what to spoil them with. it's a good, capitalistic time had by all. i don't buy my neighbours presents, i don't buy my colleagues presents, i don't buy my friends presents and i don't buy my mailman presents. i'm not going to waste my time and money on generic chatskie like snowglobes, cheese wheels and/or blockbuster gift cards. i even refuse to participate in something as innocuous as a "secret santa" because i can't deal with the awkwardness of receiving things from people who do not know me well enough to get me something i'd actually like and be grateful for. of course, every year i'll invariably get a gift from a friend, a neighbour, a colleague and/or a mailman and this is what i call "the gift of guilt." even if the gift was good, which it never is, i'll feel more guilt than anything else because i have NOTHING for you. i have enough self-inflicted, well-deserved guilt as it is and don't need to be bogged down by superfluous and completely unnecessary guilt. but really, why do these people continue to offer up empty little, meaningless trinkets to acquaintances? does this make them feel good about themselves? maybe they don't have a bomb-ass family like mine to spoil. or, most likely, i'm probably just a colossal douchebag - like the bad kind, not the hygienic kind.

more fun with the xmas story!!! please, consider the ballad of the innkeeper. yes, the fabled innkeeper of yore who had the chutzpa to send away a panicked husband and his ready to burst, virgin wife (nope still hadn't schtuped her! yes, joseph is probably the biggest schlemiel in the history of life.) who is, oh btw, carrying the son of god! do you think joseph mentioned this as he was pleading their case to the innkeeper? i could just picture mary shrieking from their amniotic fluid soaked camel, "TELL HIM I'M CARRYING THE MESSIAH!!!" this reminds me of the scene in "curb your enthusiasm" when cheryl is demanding that larry tell the hostess of a crowded restaurant that he's the co-creator of "seinfeld" in order to get a table. anyway, do you think the inn was really all out of rooms? i tend to think not. i'd bet that the innkeeper didn't want one of his rooms all gooed up by the miracle of birth. really, can this story get any more jewish? you have your nebbish husband, your domineering wife who thinks their son is perfect (LITERALLY PERFECT) and a super cold and heartless businessman who only cares about the almighty dollar. have neil simon or woody allen done this yet? i also like to imagine that there's some sort of afterlife where like minds from different eras are able to freely discuss life's great happenings. for example, i'd love to be a fly on the wall when ol' connie hilton, howard johnson and the innkeeper talk shop:
connie hilton: you mean to tell me you sent away the virgin mother and the son of god to be birthed in a manger?!?!?!?
howard johnson: did i mention that i led the league in hr and rbi in 1991?
the inkeeper: (imagine the voice of jackie mason) i mean, c'mon... the old messiah trick??? i may have been born at night but not last night. besides, i had just purchased new linen. do you know how much linen cost in 1 ad israel??? white linen - thirty-two-count white linen!!!

you know that song, "baby, it's cold outside" is about date rape, right? well, it is and if you carpool with me you can stop reading right now because you've heard the same twelve minute, detailed rant on the subject whenever the song comes on the radio. basically, this guy and gal are on some sort of a date at the creep's bachelor pad, the night is winding down, the gal says she gots to go and the guy rebuffs each one of the girl's excuses with a creepy, "but baby, it's cold outside..." here are the lyrics if you don't believe me with the most incriminating lines highlighted (or, is it highlit?).
i really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
i've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
this evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
so very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
my mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
my father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
so really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)
the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell (i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)
both:baby it's cold out side
i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)
my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delicious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunt's mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicious)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)
i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got pneumonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)
both: baby it's cold outside
the cad puts something in this poor gal's drink!!! it's plain as day!!! YUCK!!! i mean, really, could this guy be any creepier? he just won't take "no" for an answer and only gets somewhere after he offers her a doctored drink. he won't even let her finish a sentence! how is it that no women groups have stumbled upon this??? and, as a man with zero game, i refuse to believe there was nothing in her drink and his creeptastic advances were enough to bed this nice young lady. i guess that's what offends me most - i am a sad and lonely man :0(

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 11

2009-09-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

oh, how i love the energy and alacrity that kelly #1 brings to the pod and you will too! really though, our chemistry is something to behold... like a podcast, a million times less funny version of jerry and elaine. so, in today's pod we discussed our master cleanse diet, liverwurst, kelly's psycho friend "the orange grimace," our work softball team and my wish to be orphaned. but more importantly, this pod precipitated my virgin forray into the online dating world; not to find a gf or get laid really but to follow through on the original podding plan to pod pods with kely #1 detailing my awful dates. so, here's my plenty o'fish "worm" and we'll see if i get any "bites"... LOLZZZ. but now i feel guilty because i might be going out with these fish just for the sole purpose of podding a pod about bad dates. then again, the pod comes first and dignity and common human decency comes a distant second and third.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 10

2009-09-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

hey, everyone!!! my guest this pod was leeroy mcdole... a-gain. we podded about 9/11 (not so timely since this is being posted a week later) "the honeymooners" (even less timely) and my crappy job (very timely). oh, and i hope you enjoy my new habit of incessant lip smacking of which i have developed for no reason in particular. actually, upon further review, i think it had to do with the god awful drink i concocted with rum, mai tai mix, grenadine and cherry coke zero. yuck! and, in case you're keeping score at home, we did NOT go to pineapple hill after the pod and instead opted to watch "ace ventura: pet detective" on the tv. really, how great was that movie? it's very underrated and doesn't get the credit it deserves... probably the best display of physical comedy since buster keaton (even untimelier!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

the best of the worst of ba dum BLOG!!!

2009-09-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

We're celebrating the two year, six month, and fourteen day anniversary of ba dum BLOG!!! by blogging (copy and pasting) a best of blog. there's a few reasons for this. firstly, i'm trying to climb out of the doldrums of my most recent blogger's block by revisiting some of my "best" work in hopes of inspiration. secondly, i've been applying to some writing/blogging jobs of which ask for "writing samples." hi, prospective employers! and lastly, i'm a narcissist. so, here you are... 25,26 or 27 (i lost count) of the very best of the very worst that ba dum BLOG!!! has to offer.

in kinda sorta chronological order...

ba dum LISTS!!!

14 worst moving pictures of all-time
12 greatest racial slurs of all-time
top 11 people i wouldn't carpool with

adult movie theaters
originally blogged 3/23/08

"pee-wee's big adventure" is my favorite movie of all-time so, maybe i'm biased, but i've always resented the fact that pee-wee's genius has never been fully realized because of one little incident. yes, he played solitaire in an adult movie theater - so what, that's what you do there, right? it's as normal as buying stamps at a post office or getting food poisoning at an asian buffet. and, as legend would tell it, pee-wee's incident occurred while visiting the 'rents in florida. parents are a stressful, overbearing bunch, as we all know, and pee-wee just needed to blow off a little steam. besides, this was before the internets - we take our easy access to porn for granted. although, the notion of the adult movie theaters of yore is quite the vexing situation. was it really how it sounds; a a dark room of cushioned seats filled with self-indulgent perverts? how long were the movies - 10, 15, 20 minutes??? was there a concession stand of jergens, napkins and/or gym socks??? if i had a time machine, this is where i'd go.

the seven deadly sins
originally blogged on 3/10/08

yay, the catholic church just released their new 7 deadly sins! and, as a morally lucid and ethically uncorrupt apatheist, i'll break them down for all you lunatic, god-fearing mongoloids.
polluting: "an inconvenient truth" was a horrible movie and i'd rather watch ice melt - get it?!?!?! still, i believe in the environmental rhetoric and, even if global warming is fake we can all agree we need to treat motha' earff mo' betta.'

genetic engineering: i think this means cloning, which is more weird than wrong. i don't know...i don't really understand this one.
obscene riches: isn't the vatican plated with gold and bedazzled to the high heavens? why doesn't the vatican sell their gold to the jews and turn that money into condoms for the africans?
taking drugs: i'm assuming this means "hard drugs." either way, all drugs are cool until you eat your gf's lung or lead a bunch of jews across the sahara.
abortion: not ethically wrong, necessarily, but definitely morally sloppy and irresponsible. and, all references to rape, incest or life-threatening pregnancies need to be aborted.
pedophilia: uhhhhh... well, first off, 16 and up isn't pedophilia - sorry it just isn't. it's more of a gross inconsistency betwixt biology and society. i'm sure society will win out at one point and our balls will quit dragging behind us but there's something wrong with me if i don't want to at least smell hermione's hair. however, true pedophilia is severely under served and should be second to only murder as far as jail sentencing goes. thank you, bill o'reilly.
causing social injustice: i guess this is racism. however, i'm also lumping the gays into this at which point, you fuddy duddy catholics are hoisting yourself by your own homophobic, neolithic petards.

blue tooths for the homeless
originally blogged on 3/21/08

we need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless. have i blogged on this before? anyway, i believe this will give your average, run of the mill hobo a modicum of dignity. how often do you see some poor, delusional, stinky derelict babbling to himself as he stares off into space? yet, if they had a blue tooth, you can just assume that they're having a traditional, two-sided cellular conversation discussing either their gym membership or their nephew's birthday. sure, it's only a band-aid and doesn't really help the homeless all that much but it helps alleviate some of our dweller's guilt and makes us feel better, right? and, let's face it, we'll never be able to give the homeless homes but we can always find new and effective ways to rationalize and make their existence more palatable and this is one of them. i'd like to start this charity. what could we call our charitable foundation? "blue tooths for one tooths," "a tooth in the ear is better than beer," "it's not acute dementia, just the blues!," and so on... on another note, is the plural "blue tooths" or "blue teeth?" or, more importantly, is it "blue tooth" or "blue tooff?"

middle-aged female celebrities
originally blogged on 3/18/08

i love how hollywood treats over-the-hill starlets. first, they stop giving tired, old bucks like meg ryan and melanie griffith roles because they look too old. then, in response, the meg ryans and melanie griffiths get a bunch of botox/collagen injected into their face which ultimately leaves them looking like some sort of amalgamation of a fish-faced, muppet. then, this leads to us (the general hoi polloi) making fun of them and hollywood still won't give them roles because their new faces have thoroughly creeped everyone out. these poor ladies can't win for losing! seriously, what are they supposed to do? the worst part is that this trend is trickling down to our moms, secretaries, dental hygienists, etc. i think these broads, whether they be in the biz or in my kitchen, need to realize that they're gonna' age, their looks are gonna' go and it's gonna be rough. it's not their fault, nor should we blame them but i don't know what else to say. maybe be nice and treat everyone well while you're young and pretty and then hope for the best when it's all gone? however there is the "cougar" phenomenon but i think that's mostly a tempest in a teacup. i'm just glad i'm a dude and can still be considered sexy well into my early 60s, a la sean connery.

tivo/dvr
originally blogged on 4/18/08

all my friends know i watch a lot of tv so they're always suggesting i invest in a tivo and/or dvr machine. the only problem with this is that i don't need a tivo/dvr machine because i don't have enough of a life to warrant this. i'm always home and i never miss any of my shows. plus, most of my shows are on the mtv and they replay all their stuff throughout the week. however, if i did get a tivo/dvr machine how and where would this hypothetical surplus of time be spent? i guess this would entail me leaving my apartment, right? what would i do, where would i go? whenever i entertain the idea of traipsing about la, all i can think about is traffic, parking (parallel???) and spending money on stuff i don't need and won't make me happy. why would i do this when i can stay at home, play internet scrabble all whilst watching back to back to back episodes of "made." although, i've boycotted watching all "made" episodes involving husky, teenage females whose estrogen has unfortunately "girlcotted" their bodies. too depressing...

polygamy
originally blogged on 4/9

i think i want to be a polygamist. but not one man with skirts-a-plenty but dudes-a-plenty with one special lady. it'd be like "full house," "the rippers" included, but with more dudes and less aunt becky. i know this sounds cRaZY but hear me blog it down:
financially: everyone knows men make more money than women so think of the combined income of the estate - yes, estate. heck, you probably wouldn't even need a 40 hour a week job. plus, you may even be lucky enough to draw the stay-at-home-dad card.
sexually: sure, you'd probably only get it once a week but that's every marriage. it'd be like an in-house, scheduled booty call. also, think of how easy it'd be to have a lady(s) on the side. please also consider the delight of having your own bed three quarters of the time.
paternally: not a problem. in a skirts-a-plenty marriage the place is crawling with kids. but, with a dudes-a-plenty marriage there's only one person who can be impregnated. sure you might have around 5 kids but that's nothing. plus, you and the dudes can collude and preclude the pregnancies.
camaraderie: what we have here is a boy's club in the highest degree (and, no. it's not a frat house. frats are lame). think of all the video game tournaments, fantasy leagues, pick-up basketball games, football sundays, garage bands, water balloon fights, homoerotic humour, tree houses, fart contests, etc. at least one dude will know something about cars, know how to build stuff, cook, fight (when we encounter other boys' clubs) and then there's me - i'll blog!!!

talking behind people's backs
originally blogged on 6/26

a common and popular misconception is that it's worse to talk ish behind someone's back rather than say that same ish to someone's face. you ask a million people what's worse and they'll all blindly say the former is worse... how do they figure? sure, there's the off chance that the person will find out the ish you dished behind their back but think about it; how often has that happened in your life? i dish a bevy of ish everyday and i can barely count on one hand the times it's come back to bite me on the arse. i can't remember many times when i've been told of others ishing dish behind my back either. however, if you do it to someone's face, they're going to hear it for sure... unless they're deaf or blind (you can blame it on someone else). speaking of which, can you imagine the awful things people must have said behind hellen keller's back? sheeesh! think about all the friends you've made, all the conversations fostered and all the laughter had based solely upon talking ish behind peoples' backs. friends, conversation and laughter are all good things!!! and, these things happen at an exponentially,disproportionately higher rate in comparison to getting called out on what you might've said about somebody behind their back. so, keep on dishin' that ish'... it's a good thing!

the olympics
originally blogged on 6/26

the olympics are coming!!! woohooo... NOT!!! really, who watches the olympics? all the olympics are is a collection of sporting events that nobody, i mean NOBODY, cares about and then we're expected to tune in every four years all in the name of patriotism? like i've said before, i like america and am glad to have been born here but you won't see me waving the american flag or crying during the national anthem. being born an american is just as random as being born an albino, an alligator or, appropriately enough, an albino alligator. besides, why should i root for america? america is like that perfect guy in high school who was the star of the football team, got straight a's, got all the hot chicks and, ultimately, was a big fat jerk. you don't root for that guy. you have nothing in common with that guy. you don't want to see him succeed. you are jealous of this guy. in fact, you are filled with hypocritical glee when you see him lose the high school championship game to the rival team filled with their own collection of perfect jerks (ccs playoffs, hollister def. palma, best night of my hs life). that's why i've decided i'm hitching my train to jolly ol' england for the olympic games: brits are squirrelly looking, have bad teeth, have great command of the queen's english, can't cook, have horrible complexions and have fantastic senses of humour ... just like me - ba dum BLOGger!

smoking
originally blogged on 6/22/08

smoking looks cool - it just does. i'm not being sarcastic either. i know it's unhealthy and gross but you can't deny the hipness of leaning up against your car (especially a 2003 malibu), casually taking a drag, making that squinty smokers face and exhaling a silky plume of white smoke. i remember i tried smoking once. i was nineteen, in college and feeling adventurous - watch out world! i didn't even know how to hold the darn thing or what end to light - i still don't. heck, i think i even had to have someone light it for me. is this normal or are these things that people just naturally know how to do? this is the same reason why i never really took to the marijuana; i was tired of being the guy in the circle who fumbled around with the pipe and didn't have the coordination to light it without getting third degree burns on his thumb. anyway, back to the cigarette; i took one hit/drag and thought i'd die. for the next 45 minutes my chest was on fire and i had this deep gurgly cough that was so intense i saw stars after every heavin’, hackin’, hork of phlegm. now, i'd assume that this is similar to everyone’s first experience with the cigarettes, right? if so, how does one push past this? how could anyone possibly become a smoker after such an unpleasant experience? are people's need to be "cool" and fit in this intense or am i just that big of a dork? people would not be smoking if smoking looked like rollerblading.

ghosts
originally blogged on 6/4/08

when i die i wanna' be a ghost. now, i know that there are varying ghost rules out there but, for the sake of this blog, i'll be the kind that's invisible, can go through walls and fly really fast. so, how would i spend my time as a ghost? would i travel to far off lands, sit in on the president's cabinet meetings, attend all the greatest sporting events with on field/court seats??? nope! i'd basically just float into hot chicks' bedrooms and/or bathrooms and look at them in various states of undress. yup, i'd be a big old, pervert ghost. i'd spend the first few years checking out all the girls i've ever known in the history of my life and then, once i'm done with that, i'd just hang out at various high school... ahem, college campuses and follow hot chicks back to their dorm rooms. i'm not even joking either, i'm dead serious about this (pun INTENDED!). if i were to meet st. peter at the pearly gates of heaven i'd simply say "no thanks, can you make me a ghost, please?" and, i'll tell you one thing; i most definitely will not be spending my afterlife helping my kids take out the trash a la bill cosby in "ghost dad."

sign spinners
originally blogged on 6/4/08

you ever see these sign spinner people standing on street corners who advertise things like new apartment complexes, cell phone deals or $5 pizzas at the "little caesar's?" see, businesses have engaged in a sort of guerilla advertising where they'll recruit and hire these g.e.d./minority types and train them in the mystical ways of sign spinning and stick them on a trafficky street corner in hopes of catching the eye of an unsuspecting motorist looking for cheap pizza and/or a condo. well, i have been this aforementioned "unsuspecting motorist" many o' times and this advertising/marketing scheme makes no sense to me. for one thing, how are you supposed to read the sign when it's flying/spinning in the air, being thrown around the back and through the legs of said sign spinner? would you make a spinning bilboard or traffic sign? no, because the point of signs is to be read. i could see if the sign spinners were selling sign spinning classes but they're not. also, isn't this dangerous for said motorists? how many pileups have resulted from motorists trying to figure out what the words are on these spinning signs. it's like sue ellen mitschke wearing a bra as a top!!!

looking good naked
originally blogged 7/28/08

have you seen that show on the lifetime channel called "how to look good naked?" me neither, but i'm blogging on it anyway. basically, they round up a bunch of beached leviathans, cover up their blow holes and, through the magic of smoke, mirrors and self-esteem, they learn them how to feel like they look good naked as opposed to actually looking good naked. first off, let's look good clothed before we look good naked. let's not put the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse. i'm not throwing internet stones from my glass blog either; i don't look good clothed or naked but no one's gonna' care what you look like naked unless they like what you look like clothed. no one looks at some chub club and says to himself, "hmmm, she's no picnic clothed but there's a fair chance she'll improve once the clothes come off." secondly, if we like you enough clothed to actually get you naked, chances are you'll turn out the lights anyway. there, "how to look good naked": turn out the lights. lastly, they have a super fruity, gay dude hosting the show. yes, let's trust the credibility of a homosexual to tell these chub clubs when it's safe to drop the tarps. if you really want to make this show work, have some chauvinistic, dirt bag tell you when and if you look good naked.

ed hardy
originally blogged 7/28/08

if fashion can jump the shark then the ed hardy clothing line has officially done so. admittedly, i don't know much about ed hardy and his eponymous clothing line but his t-shirts are the brightly coloured ones with bedazzled tigers eating bedazzled skulls with bedazzled snakes slithering through the skull's bedazzled eye sockets. i accidentally wandered into one of his stores about a year ago and all the shirts were like a $100. yes, ed hardy is the official clothing line for douchebag poseurs and you can't roll through hollywood without seeing at least twenty line bearded dude bra's rockin' their ed hardy t-shirts, with matching ed hardy trucker hats while drinking their ed hardy energy drinks which contains bedazzled tiger semen from tibet. yes, ed hardy has a line of energy drinks. even then, a bunch of elitist poseur, wannabe cast of "entourage" douchebags aren't enough to jump the bedazzled shark alone... oh no. i knew ed hardy had officially jumped the shark when i saw a bunch of twelve-year-old mexican kids with their widow peaked, bedazzled faux hawks running around the galleria in their ed hardy wear. how did this happen? since when can twelve-year-old mexican kids afford $100 t-shirts? i'll tell you how; ed hardy must've decided to go on the cheap and has released an el-cheapo line which will first infiltrate the junior highs, the high schools and then dorky white guys like me will realize that they too can now afford ed hardy wear and the world will be overcome by an army of bedazzled, poseur douchebags.

randomness
originally blogged 7/16/08

everything is "random" now... random this and random that. all events occurring that can't be rightly explained or weren't expected have all been labeled as randomness. which is okay, i guess, but the word is just becoming played out. especially since the casual banality in the over usage of "randomness" is in direct opposition to the very definition and essence of the word itself. the use of "random" is not random anymore - it's expected, explained and occurring with extreme prejudice. an irony like this hasn't been as surreptitiously in your face since mcdonald's created the grimace who has never once been caught grimacing. in fact, his empty stare and fly catching, syndrome-of-the-downs-esque trap is the exact antithesis of a grimace. so, if you were looking for a word to explain and rightly capture the awkward and unforeseen transition from "random" to "grimace" you might want to call it "capricious," "haphazard," and/or "wanton"... not to be confused with "won ton," a chinese dumpling commonly filled with minced pork - RANDOM!!!

smirnoff ice
originally blogged 7/14/08

has anyone ever seen anyone ever imbibing a smirnoff ice in a non underage capacity? i had two during my first year of college when i was first learning how to drink and my stomach almost 'xploded from all the sugary, bubbly goodness. seriously though, i don't think i've ever seen anyone buying a six pack from the grocery store nor drinking one at a bar. yet, you'll see plenty of snarkily, clever advertisements for smirnoff ice on the television box and most collegey type bars will have that gigantic, lightningy novelty smirnoff ice bottle glowing behind the bar. maybe they're popular at gay bars, sorority parties, pleasure parties or something... i don't know? but i tend to think they're more of a teenage girl sort of thing. in fact, if a dude in a moustache is ever seen buying smirnoff ice at the grocery store he should probably be arrested because he's obviously on his way to meet some 14 year old boy/girl he met on the internets (thank you, chris hansen). i don't even know how they can afford to advertise so much. it kinda' reminds me of way back when before cell phones were invented and there were like a million collect call commercials on tv. who was making all these collect calls... prisoners? i'd ask everyone i met and no one could ever answer this question nor admit to ever making more than five collect calls in their entire life. these commercials were big business too; they had huge stars like alyssa milano, carrot top and alf!

wild cherry
originally blogged 7/14/08

what kind of a flavour is "wild cherry?" this is often a popular flavour for candy or slurpies. personally, i love the "wild cherry" and it's my favorite artificial candy flavour (more on this later). i'm confused though; is "wild cherry" an actual kind of cherry or is "wild" being used in the same way that "x-treme" is being used for everything during the late nineties and early oughts. and, if it is like "x-treme," why not "wild grape," "wild orange," or "wild kiwi?" i tend to think it might be "wild" as in "x-treme" because if you've ever had a real cherry you'll know they're more bitter and "wild cherry" tastes more like maraschino cherries, but "maraschino" is probably too ethnic. anywho, i believe this blog serves as a good opportunity for me to blog what fruits are mo' betta' and what artificially flavoured counterparts are mo' betta':
natural fruit flavour----------vs.-----------artificial fruit flavour
mo' betta'----------------------apple
----------------------------------banana----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------blueberry-------mo' betta'
----------------------------------cherry-----------mo' betta'
mo betta'-----------------------grape
----------------------------------lemon-----------mo' betta'
----------------------------------lime-------------mo' betta'
mo' betta'----------------------orange
mo' betta'----------------------strawberry
mo' betta'----------------------watermelon
winner: it's a tie!!! actually, we all lose; for me blogging and for you reading :(

hand shakes
originally blogged 7/14/08

that's it; i officially can't keep up with all these cool dude, dude bra' handshakes anymore. i'm so tired of meeting minorities, people who think they're minorities, drug dealers, etc. and being subject to all these back hand slaps, finger snaps, knuckle thumps, fist bumps, chest humps, shoulder hugs and so on - it's like a 16-hit, "street fighter ii combo." my only recourse to all this nonsense is to just give 'em the old limp fish and hope my hand can stay limber and pliable enough so they can just seamlessly run my hand through the gears and cogs of their unquestioned coolness. whatever happened to the classic firm grip, elbow out handshake? when these people are grandparents are they still going to be throwing down these fist, knuckle, hand gymnastics or, once these people get to a certain age, will they revert back to the classic hand shake? i simply don't think arthritis will allow for such foolishness. the thing that gets me though is that i'm admittedly a big dork who can't fake it to make it to save his life but how the heck do all these cool dudes automatically know how to perform and reciprocate all handshakes presented to them without skipping a beat? every time i'm presented with such greetings the dude bra' must stop and run me through it like three times before i can "get it" and perform to a level that satisfies the cool dude. you know what's cool? shaking someone's hand without making the person you're greeting feel like a complete loser.

turbans
originally blogged 6/2/08

being an extremely racial person, not racist, i'm annoyed with the inter-cultural ambiguities of the turban. see, i'd like to be able to throw either all muslims or all hindus under one turban umbrella, much like these turbanites do so with their hair, but you can't accurately do so. i don't like the fact that you might call a convenient store clerk a "terrorist" only for him to correct you and say "i am an indian (dot, not feather) and don't ever recall a hindu terrorizing anyone. good day, sir… and come again!" nor do i appreciate it when i'm in a cab and, while attempting to engage in the art of conversation, telling the turban wearing driver that "i don't mean to curry favor but i've always loved curry." only for him to respond, "while i appreciate your witty repartee and use of idiom, i am a muslim and do not curry favor nor do i curry chicken tikka masala. good day, sir… and praise be to allah and death to infidels!" all i wanna' do is stereotype and these turbans are really crampin' my style. also, i can understand if turbans were big in siberia or the yukon but it really makes no sense to have all that hair all wrapped up like that in these super hot middle eastern and indian (ghandi, not sitting bull) climates. if i were ever in a position to create a god and attribute rules and beliefs to him, practicality and pragmatism would reign supreme over all else.

beauty and the beast
originally blogged 8/26/08

either because i'm half gay or perpetually trying to relive my youth, i love all things disney; whether it be disney movies, disneyland or "hannah montana." however, the one thing that has always stuck in my craw is the classic, oscar nominated "beauty and the beast" (yes, i know disney didn't create it but this is a blog, not a college thesis). here's the story in a nutshell: jerk prince gets transformed into a beast for being a jerk, holds old man captive for knocking on his castle door, imprisons old man's hot daughter in exchange for old man's freedom, hot chick inexplicably falls in love with the beast, the spell is broken and they live happily ever after. let's put this scenario into modern times: billy ray cyrus' motorbike breaks down in front of my apartment, billy ray knocks on my door looking for help, i imprison billy ray, miley cyrus shows up at my door looking for billy ray, i imprison miley in exchange for billy ray, miley falls in love with my jerky ways and we live happily ever after. WRONG!!! see how ridiculous it sounds when i put it this way??? the only difference betwixt these stories is that i don't look like a beast but only live in an apartment and blog as opposed to living in a castle and being a prince. so, beast/castle/prince trumps me/apartment/blogger. as it happens, "beauty and the beast" is not a tale of redemption or appreciating someone's inner beauty but is a mere tale of "stockholm syndrome" and proof that the prospect to change a guy (from beast to stud), the idea of security and wealth (castle) and lofty status (prince) is enough to make a girl fall in love no matter how much of a jerk you are... even if you imprison her creepy, washed up, country singin,' one-hit wonder, exploitive father.

bald eagles
originally blogged 8/14/08

what's so great about the bald eagle? this is the mighty and majestic national animal and symbol of the greatness that is the usofa??? don't tread on me my arse! first off, the bald eagle is endangered. ENDANGERED!!! this bird is barely even surviving in its own land that it is a symbol of; it's been treaded on thoroughly. doesn't darwinism basically say that if you die off as a species that you're basically weak sauce? and, as a bird of prey, how can you become endangered? you fly and eat rodents. rodents have been around since the dinosaurs so it's not like there's a paucity of food. and, you're a bird, you can fly! fly high and away from hunters, build your nest a little higher out of elmer fudd's reach. there is no excuse for bald eagles to let themselves become endangered. then, worst of all, they're bald. BALD!!! c'mon, as a balding blogger myself, there is nothing worse in life than being bald. especially as an american. america is the most superficial, shallow nation there is and we, the mighty usofa, have chosen a bald bird who can barely even stay on the grid. the bald eagle is a PATHETIC LOSER!!! as americans, is this the creature we want representing our unrivaled global dominance??? NO!!! i say we impeach the bald eagle and elect a new national animal and symbol that truly represents the usofa. i say we elect the most powerful and dominant animal of them all: (drum roll, please) ba dum... MAN!!!
scientology
originally blogged 8/12/08

nobody would ever accuse me of being a proponent for scientology yet, it's utterly riwangulous when people bag on it like it's any nuttier than any other religion. simply put: it's newer. that's it. it's no crazier than christianity, hinduism, judaism, islam or the flying spaghetti monster. just look at scientology's origin story as compared to the judeo-christian yarn of yore. in scientology, xenu was some alien warlord who flew his minions to earth on a spaceship and 'xploded them in a volcano with their souls or thetans escaping and now embodying human beings. while, in judeo-christian lore, god created earth and its animals in six days while, on that seventh day, god made man out of dirt, gave him a soul and then made woman out of one of man's ribs. judeo-christian tales even have their own cosmic battle where it culminates with god kicking lucifer out of heaven and forcing him to set up shop in hell. really, the only difference is that, when the bible was written, the imagination was not sophisticated enough nor had it stretched into the actual science and/or pseudo science of outer space. for all intents and purposes, "heaven" and "hell" are the planets while "angels" and "demons" are the aliens. i could go on forever and get into it with all the similarities betwixt weird rituals, tithings and property scandals but i'm really squeezed for space.

abortion
originally blogged 9/14/08

you know what? i'm on a roll and not done offending people. now, it's time for all of the liberal, feminist chicks out there to get what's coming to them. I hate to break it to you but abortion has NOTHING to do with "your body." first off, let me give you the lowdown of what abortion is: it's a palatable and legal form of population control or, at the very worst, a very ethically and physically sloppy procedure that rids you of something that may or may not be a human being (nobody knows if it's actual life and we never will know, so deal with it). in short, abortion is an ugly and gross option which remedies an even uglier and grosser problem of unwanted children born to poverty and unfit 'rents. okay, back to the whole not about "your body" part. yes ladies, the procedure happens to "your body" and causes emotional and physical pain of which can last a lifetime and is immeasurable but face it; if human babies were laid and hatched as eggs and an abortion was as simple as an egg toss gone wrong at your company picnic there would be NONE, ZERO difference in the way the bible humpers and the feminists look at abortion. we'd just have bumper stickers that said "life begins at egg laying" or "my choice, my egg." the “body” part is just circumstantial; something that pro-choicers can hang their hat on while distracting from the fact that they are "pro-fetuses being vacuumed from your/my womb." wait a second, isn't no abortion better for your body than an abortion? how about this: "my future, my choice, your taxes and... YOU'RE WELCOME!"

doc and marty's relationship
originally blogged 9/2/08

how did doc and marty even know each other, let alone become such great bffs? seriously, i find the fact that a teenaged, guitar strummin,' skate boardin' big man on campus with a fly ass koochie of a gf hanging out with a sixty-year-old lunatic, mad scientist waaaay less plausible than a delorean that travels through time. i could understand if marty was into science or was an angsty nerd who didn't fit in but none of this applies. maybe marty was just using doc for his giant guitar speaker (amp?). i'm not suggesting that there was anything untoward in regards to their relationship either. not only because there is nothing that alludes to this but homoerotic humour is the lazy blogger's way out. it's not like marty just stumbled upon doc either, all evidence points toward a deep seated and well developed friendship. heck, even strickland knows about it! not only does marty waltz right into doc's bachelor lab first thing in the morning but also agrees to meet him at a mall parking lot in the middle of the night for a "science experiment;" nary a question asked nor an adolescent eye roll. hey, what they have is awesome but curious nonetheless. the only other relationship i can think of that draws similar parallels is the friendship betwixt yogi bear and boo boo. and while it's unclear how old boo boo really is, boo boo does make it abundantly clear to yogi that "ranger smith isn't going to like this..."

ba dum BLOG!!!

and then, there's blog!

2009-09-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

this is a new game i made up that's sweeping the nation (my peanuthead friends)! it's loosely based on "wheel of fortune's" before and after category... well, if you have half a brain, you'll get it. we're basically linking up tv shows; be it sitcoms, dramas, cartoons, miniseries, news, reality or what have you. maybe i'll do movies and song titles next. either way, it's a great way to pass time during car rides, church or first dates. oh, and i'm also only including three shows and up because we came up with about 37 bazillion two-show-ers. and, if you can come up with anymore three-and-uppers, feel free to leave a comment. neat, huh?

3s
my mother the car 54 where are you can't do that on television

the facts of life goes on air with ryan seacrest

the fresh prince of bel airewolf blitzer reports

flavor of love american style by jury

my so called life with louie

north and south parker lewis can't lose

clarissa explains it all in the family guy

4s
the scarecrow and mrs. king of the hill street blue's clues

mr. belevedere john and kate plus eight is enough

top catdog the bounty hunter

5s
making the band of brothers and sister(s) sister

6s
jake and the fatman vs. wild 'n out of the this world news now on pbs

bj and the bear in the big blue house mdl hughley breaks the news radio free roscoe

7s
the get along gangland of the lost in space ghostbusters

er you afraid of the darkwing duck tale(s) spin city guys

and then, there's maude...

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: a very special thanks to nick JUDD, dave, robyn, bradford, george, singletary, young greg and gibbs (i think).

ba dum POD!!! episode 9

2009-09-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

if you're in the mood for some self-loathing, neurotic ramblings then this is the pod for you. at the time, i thought this approach might be kinda funny and endearing but woody allen i am not and it might be a bit more whiny and annoying. no guest here or real direction (with just a 30 min. or so podtime); just producer dave chiming in every once in awhile. this was just sort of a chance to give a state of the pod and just reacquaint myself with the audience before getting fully reintegrated into the podding scene. i'm blogging this blog a few days after podding the pod and haven't heard it since so i don't have all that much insight. i think i may have kept on referring to the "periodontist" as the "pediatrist" in regards to my gum issues. yes, i know pediatrists do feet... just a brain fart or something. oh, and to update my oral woes, i have to undergo some relatively expensive gum surgery in a few weeks and then some more the next year when more of my insurance kicks in. this is quite the depressing and emabrassing development as i feel this reflects poorly on my hygeine and age... whatever.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 8

2009-07-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

this is the pod where i harangue one of my best friends about the dumping he took from his girlfriend of six years/fiance of two years. what a heel, huh? i also misuse a few more words; for example, i said "provincial" when i meant "proprietary." which is funny because i often judge people by their misusage of words and here i am making a habit of screwing up words in every pod. then, as if that wasn't enough, i totally mangled a line from "seinfeld" which i qoute ALL the time - i said, in regards to ostrich burgers, "you eat more of it, but it's less filling" instead of "there's less fat, but you eat more of it." even more, listening back to the pod, i notice i have a lazy mouth or something where i garble words and give up enunciating about halfway through. maybe i need a speech coach or something. oh, i was also cellular text messaging during the pod which was completely unprofessional and, had a guest been cellular text messaging, i'd totally be all over them for it. yup, i'm a big fat hypocrite. ah, yes... if i may blog in an inverted version of an inverted pyramid which would be a rightside up pyramid, i'd be remiss if i didn't mention that bradford (previoulsy of "producer bradford" fame) was this weeks guest. neat, huh?

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 7

2009-07-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

technical difficulties... AAAAAAAHHH!!!! we actually lost an indeterminate amount of time and conversation due to some sort of studio equipment failure. what will you miss? i dunno. are we all better off for it? maybe! or, as one half of our fill-in guests for this pod, michael flower, would say, "erroneous!" yes, you read right... we had TWO fill-in guests this week! the aforemtioned mike flower and his best good pal, chris dewey, graced ba dum POD's!!! studio with their undisputed charms and testosterone laden banter. then, if two guests wasn't enough change for you, we also had a fill-in producer - producer bradford. producer dave couldn't be with us due to personal reasons and, while he still post produced the pod, it was producer bradford who was the live producer and manning the ship when it sunk like a rock amidst the choppy waters that are technical difficulties. let's just hope history will prove to be kinder to producer bradford's producing skills than it has been to steve guttenberg's comedic prowess. so, if you fancy midgets/little people, gay bars, bms (which i incorrectly refer to as "bos" at one point - a blogo?) mancation and vomit talk then this is the pod for you and yours.

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 6: my weekend in davis

2009-06-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

this was my best pod EVER! and, i'm not just blogging that either. i was super prepared, i had four pages of notes, a topical subject like michael jackson, a somewhat linear story about my trip to uc davis where i partied with college kids and enough off-topic stream of consciousing to make you go plaid. my first repeat fill-in guest, lee mcdole, was great and producer dave is the model of consistency and excellence - he deserves a medal, really. speaking of medals, isn't it funny how "medal" and "metal" should and could be the same word since medals are metal. no wonder all the illegal aliens can't learn english - it's confusing! so, if podding poetic about spectrums of molestation, my hatred of pets, yogurt and road rage sound like a fun way to spend an hour or so of your time then ba dum POD!!!, a podcast, just might be for you.

ba dum BLOG!!!

milking the blog

2009-06-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

apropos of absolutely nothing, this seemingly innocuous baloo and rebecca pic from a blog about the similarities betwixt "talespin" and "cheers" i blogged over a year ago has garnered me even more hits than my hermione see-through panties blog/publicity ploy. see, i get a report which shows me how people (perverts) find my site via google searches and i get AT LEAST one hit a week via baloo, rebecca and "talespin" themed google image searches. for example, just last week i had a visitor (pervert) from ringkobing, denmark who found ba dum BLOG!!! through a google search of "rebecca baloo porn." nuts, huh? i swear, similar searches such as "shirtless baloo," "talespin sex," etc. have also been used. that stupid picture has been found gold for me and that's why i'm shamelessly posting it yet again. other popular searches which lure a many wayward, internet surfers (perverts) to ba dum BLOG!!! are "native american midgets," "funny racial slurs," "miriam mcdonald crossed legs" and a pic of lance loud from my "top 11 greatest mtv shows of all time" blog. how did YOU find ba dum BLOG!!!, perverts?

what's in a name? is there a more generic way to start a blog about names? no... let's get to it! how strange is it that there's a former major leaguer named heathcliff slocumb as well as a professional golfer named heath slocum? or, what are the odds that there was both a jack youngblood and a jim youngblood who both played for the los angeles rams on the defensive side of the ball from 1973-1983 and weren't even related? also, in a similar story of similarly named futbol americanos from the same team were billy joe hobert and billy joe tolliver who were both quarterbacks for the new orleans saints from 1998-1999. then you have these completely authentic and unadulterated aptronymic names such as professional poker player, chris moneymaker, nascar racecar driver, scott speed and san francisco dentist, dr. leslie plack. and, i'd be remiss if i didn't draw attention to some of the more unfortunately named characters such as john wayne bobbit, who infamoulsly got his penis bobbed by his street-rat carzy wife, and michael milken who is the chairman and founder of the prostate cancer foundation. these are just the names i could come up with off the top of my head - i'm sure y'all know some whimsically, coincidental and apt names, too. hey, you should post them in the comments section!!! yeah???

this may resonate more with people from my hometown of salinas, california but i believe this might be a common phenomenon in most big fish, small town cities: "the lake"... ahhh yes, the ambiguously titled hot spot simply known as "the lake." ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. of course, being far removed from the cool crowd and having parents who had no friends and having no family from the area, i had no clue what my hs classmates were talking about when they casually referred to their water skiing, drunken boating, high school hookup fests that were weekends camping out or in their parent's cabins at "the lake." "what lake?" i naively asked. lake tahoe, lake michingan, lake titicaca??? ohhh, lake san antonio... of course! as was my wont, i'd snarkishly reply "oh, you mean 'a lake.'" then, as luck would have it, i was actually invited to "the lake" for said high school hijinx. here's the long of it: rode up there with some dude i've never met before where i had to hear about all of his drunken exploits and all the girls he's hooked up with for the 2 1/2 hour trek to "the lake" when i, myself, had never even attended an after school event with alcohol present nor have i gotten anywhere past first base with a gal since i madeout with my neighbour's cousin (a girl) in a shed when i was 13-years-old, then i ended up being the fifth wheel w/ two other couples for the majority of the trip since my carpool "buddy" spent most the weekend vomitting up beer and red licorice (of which i stepped in), then i nearly had an asthma attack ignited by a panic attack while trying to climb into an innertube being pulled by a boat because i can't swim and then, to top it off, got called a "faggot" by a neighbouring camp of rowdy boys because i was wearing my friend's gf's puffy pink jacket because i was cold. i HATE "the lake."

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: hang on kids, the podcast recounting ba dum BLOGgers trip to uc davis will be released early next week.

ba dum POD!!! episode 5: the super deluxe peanuthead edition

2009-06-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

failure to plan is planning to fail... or something like that. meaning: i really need to start jotting down a few more notes or creating some sort of an outline so i'm not in a constant state of panic in trying to move the conversation along. with that blogged, episode 5 is in the can and it's probably our most vulgar and offensive pod to date. look, we're not trying to be provocative for provocative's sake but, believe it or not, this is what my friends and i talk about and how we speak to eachother outside of the pod. for better or for worse, this is us. so, if clouds, kimchi, degeneration x, merkins, bark barks and jo talk are your bag then this pod is the pod for you. my first guest is mikey *last name witheld* and we also have a bonus 15 minute pod, which was podded about a month ago, tacked on to the end with guest, alex gibbs. see, alex is mikey's best pal from san francisco so producer dave and i deemed it appropriate to release these two together. also, both guests were over served so keep that in mind as well.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: at the time of the pod, mikey's cheeseburger consumption was at two... by the end of the day it ballooned to five.

monkey blogs

2009-06-11T14:37:00.001-07:00

does anyone else find it odd that goodyear tires is most well known for it's eponymous blimp which is a vehicle that uses no tires? shouldn't their mascot or advertising icon be like a monster truck or a hockey puck? are blimps even comprised of any rubber? this would be analogous to cap'n crunch being a rear admiral, general electric using a battery for a logo or me being an anology writer for the sat's when these pathetic examples are the best i could come up with. also, goodyear's actual logo is one of those winged, mercury feet which again goes against the whole tire concept. why would mercury ever use tires if he had winged feet and could fly? heck, i don't think rubber was even discovered when mercury was around. i guess this is why goodyear is third in the tire industry behind bridgestone and michelin... eat it, bf goodrich!

a "delicacy" is kinda like a misnomer where its true meaning is masked by giving it a more grandiose or politically correct name. it's kinda like how a "baker's dozen" glorifies the fact that bakers aren't very educated and don't know how to count and/or how an "old wive's tale" is a folksy way of dressing up some senile, old coot's alternative methods to science. anyway, back to delicacies... a delicacy is basically a nice word for the f'd up shizz weird cultures eat. for example, monkey brains are a delicacy in the congo, fish eyeball soup is a delicacy in vietnam, snails are a delicacy in france and/or placenta is a delicacy in hong kong. NEAT, huh? what would be considered an american delicacy where most the world would cringe and dry heave at the mere thought of it. maybe twinkies or rocky mountain oysters are examples of american delicacies. or, even better, hot dogs may be the most delicate of american delicacies. think about it, jews and muslims can't eat pork because their "god" considers it an abomination and hot dogs are comprised of all the nastiest, leftover pork items like pig lips and buttholes and stuff. really, since jews, xtians and muslims all kinda worship the same god, maybe jesus' biggest accomplishment wasn't opening up the gates of heaven or being a jewish carpenter but allowing his followers to indulge in pork products while the other middle eastern religions can't. OINK!

ba dum BLOG!!!

blogs suck

2009-06-10T13:48:00.000-07:00

vampires are IN right now! and, the two most popular literary incarnations are the "twilight" series (books/movies) and "true blood" (tv series) which is based on "the southern vampire mysteries" (books). first off, "twilight" sucks (pun INTENDED!)... awful, cliched and amateurish writing. i saw the movie and have actually read three of the four books for reasons i can't rightly explain. it's kind of like how my mom made orange roughy for dinner for a year straight when both her and my dad hated it and she has zero explanation for it to this day. anyway, i just watched the "true blood" show on my dvd machine and it proved to be everything "twilight" could've been only if a mormon chick with an iq of 78 didn't write it. really, just for the mere fact that "true blood" showed anna paquin's boobies makes it infinitely better all on it's own. with that blogged, it's uncanny how similar the characters/storylines are. first off, when stephanie meyer, who wrote "twilight" in 2001, claims that the story "came to me in a dream," she's CLEARLY lying. peep this ruckus on the similarities betwixt the three main characters and respective love triangles:

true blood '01 v. twilight '05

sookie (main gal) v. bella (main gal)

mindreader - new girl in town

falls in love w/bill because she can't read his mind - falls in love w/edward

r'ship w/bill puts her in constant danger - r'ship w/edward puts her in constant danger

bill (vampire) v. edward (vampire)

new dude in town - mindreader

falls in love w/sookie - falls in love w/bella because he can't read her mind

sam (3rd wheel) v. jacob (3rd wheel)

sookie's good friend - bella's bestfriend

unrequited love for sookie - unrequited love for bella

shapeshifts into a dog - werewolf

in a similar vein (pun INTENDED!), hollywood needs to get together and have some sort of a "vampire summit" where they agree upon the rules and mythology of vampires. every vampire story wastes too much time discrediting some myths while indulging others. for example, "twilight" vampires have no fangs and shine all sparkly like in the sun where "true blood" vampires do have fangs and burn to death in the sun. then, you have even more complicated matters as it pertains to life and death: how does one kill a vampire or how would one become a vampire? we have garlic, silver bullets, wooden stakes, crucifixes, holy water, the sun, simply biting the neck, draning the human's blood entirely, biting just long enough to infect the human without killing them and so on. these are important issues that need consistency! what if humans were willy nilly hatching from eggs or breathing in water from a movie to movie basis? would it be so hard to just agree to a set of vampire maxims and stick with them? or, what if some blogger went on to blog about how similar two vampire stories are while also complaining about how inconsistently different they are?

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 4

2009-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

what more can be blogged... really? these little blog-ups are starting to feel a bit redundant because the pod really speaks for itself, literally. it was a good podcast... conan o'brien bailed on me at the very last second so our fill-in guest this week was my best good gal pal, janai. we chatted up all the essentials; abortion, marijuana, all the girls i've concussed and, of course, napoleon bonaparte. so, if this description seems a little general (GET IT?!?!?!?) don't just take my blog for it, listen to the pod... for realzzz. oh, and if you have any questions you want answered in pod or want to be a possible fill-in guest, let me know and i can either ignore you or use you and your ideas. NEAT!

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 3

2009-06-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

the thing with podding is that once you say it, you say it and, with that blogged, you only have a second to say it... you don't have a whole lot of time to find the right word. see, with blogging, i can blog it, read her over, reblog it, pull up dictionary.com, do a little wikipida'ing or even chose to ultimately delete what i've blogged in lieu of publishing it. podding doesn't afford you that luxury and producer dave can only do so much to clean up the dead air and/or crappy content in post. self-conscious ruminations aside, my fill-in guest this week was young jarrod and we covered such illuminating subjects as race in america, me beating young jarrod in a foot race, gay marriage, handshakes and porno movies.

ba dum BLOG!!!

preening blogcocks

2009-05-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

portmanteaus are rad. and, if "blog" is my favourite, "sexting" is the runner up. for those of you who don't watch the culture war segment on "the o'reilly factor," sexting (sex/texting) is primarily when gals sext their boyfriends pictures of their naked private parts through cellular text messaging. of course, the only reason the mainstream media knows this phenomenon exists is because the randy recipients always, i mean ALWAYS show their pals. this is what guys do. girls haven't quite figured this out yet. we're peacocks, we preen, we brag, we blog. heck, even i've been made privy to more than a few of these pics from my friends' girlfriends. and, from what o'reilly tells me, sexting is especially rampant in our high schools where sally sophomore will sext a pic to her boyfriend and, the next thing you know, naked pics of the entire junior varsity cheerleading squad are being shared on every teenage boy's computer in a hundred mile radius. i'm not sure what's worse; the fact that i may someday have a teenage daughter or that i missed this trend by ten years. ummm, it's the latter... duh.

while i reluctantly acknowledge all the rage that is blue toofs, i've discovered yet another use for them aside from distributing them to the homeless. no matter how hard i fight it, the general hoi polloi insists on utilizing blue toofs as fashion accessories or accouterments. so, why not use this retarded trend to benefit the handicapped - namely the deaf. see, for the past however many years, we've been designing hearing aids to be smaller, less conspicuous and more resembling small fleshy, calcified growths. with all that blogged, wouldn't it seem obvious to place the same technology inside the bulkier, flashier and trendier blue toofs? no one would even know you were deaf! depending on their proclivities, people would either assume you were merely rockin' a blue toof or were simply an a-hole. surely both alternatives are better than being viewed as handicapped, right? and, technologically speaking, wouldn't the size of a blue toof allow for better technology and hence, product? since society has decided that blue toofs = cool and hearing aids = lame, let's give the deaf a break and let them be cool. then, enough deaf people will be wearing blue toof hearing aids to the point where blue toofs will consequently become lame by deaf association. in short; the cool dude blue toof wearers lose, the deaf lose and who wins??? ME!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum POD!!! episode 2: ba dum PODder has no game aka "the date from hell"

2009-05-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

as i boldly plod on from blogging to podding, i'll be taking a shot at reviving the popular "ba dum BLOGger has no game" series in the form of a pod. this week's fill-in, guest star in this ambitious venture will be my colleague, my carpool buddy and friend; kelly rapp aka "kelly #1." i believe the female voice and perspective will provide a softer and more reasonable touch to my self-loathing, self-aware and self-serving ramblings. and, as always, producer dave is sitting in to maintain that ba dum POD's!!! sound and picture quality is up to ba dum POD's!!! highest standards... not to mention, his usual offerings of snark, sass and superciliousness (jerk!).

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ba dum PODder needs to stop laughing at his own jokes.

ba dum POD!!! episode 1

2009-05-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

whoomp, here it is! episode 1 has been podded and is now available here for your listening pleasure/displeasure. this week's fill-in guest star was my best, good pal lee mcdole and we covered topics ranging anywhere and everywhere betwixt pedophilia, violence against women, ethnic cleansing and afghans. it was a bit of a struggle and i think there's room for improvement. however, it could also get a lot worse. with that blogged, there are oodles of moments i wish i had back where anologies or metaphors i made didn't quite work or i just flat out used the wrong word (sooo embarassing) but podding is a bit diffrent than blogging in that sense. also, big ups to producer dave for getting this pod up and running on the online machine and, if you experience any technical difficulties, please let us know. thanks again, podcasters!

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: i am not producer dave.

ba dum POD!!!

2009-05-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

exciting news!!! i'm going to blog a very special announcement which will be revealed in the very next sentence i blog. ba dum BLOG!!! will be launching our very own weekly podcast, aptly titled, "ba dum POD!!!" and, if my producer can get all the sundry technical shizz together, we will debut ba dum POD!!! sometime this week. OH MY OMG, I'M SO F'N EXCITED!!! we're also working on lining up a sponsor (fingers crossed for taco bell) and i'm just being told by my producer that he's booked pope benedict xvi who will be plugging the new moving picture, "angels and demons." oh, and if any of you are interested in being a guest on ba dum POD!!!, just let me know and we'll set something up. you don't even have to come to the studio either, my producer claims we can do it via your cellular telephones. so, get your pods ready because ba dum POD!!! will be coming to an online machine to download or whatnot near you...

i'm not gonna say that everyone who has tattoos are kinda lame, in a way, but i'll blog it. of course, there are exceptions to this and i have a few very dear friends who are tatoo'd but... yeah, just that. anyway, tattoos, in part, signify three of my least favorite traits: confidence, sincerity and decisiveness. also, you can't bring up or question someone's tattoo without getting wrangled into a horribly awkward and serious conversation about what the tattoo means to them. on a similar tome, this last friday at work, a guy was sporting a t-shirt adorned with a screen printed pic of his deceased mother. of course, everyone just had to ask him who the picture was of when, being the friday before mother's day, it was ridiculously obvious. i, for one, refused to acknowledge it and even went as far as to literally crawl 'neath my cube, amidst pangs of embarrassment, whenever anyone else brought it up. it's just such a cloyingly saccharine and self-important gesture. or, maybe i'm just a horrible, cold person with no sense of family or pathos. back to tats! i just can't imagine getting a tattoo, myself, and staring down at it every other day without uttering an exasperated, "ugh." i mean, you wouldn't wear the same shirt or fanny pack everyday so why would you want the same lame design perpetually stained into your skin everyday? i hate three out of every five articles of clothing i buy so this just seems like an impossible situation. oh, and don't get me started on girls with tattoos on their boobs. i find this to be more socially and aesthetically unacceptable than sporting a hitler moustache to your girlfriend's sister's bat mitzfah.

during my high school years, i remember tales being told in, and out of school, of the occasional girl joining their school's wrestling teams and thus, forcing young men into the lose/lose situation of being matched against her. i mean, could you imagine being a knock-kneed, pubescent teenage boy being forced to violently rub up against a girl with only a thin piece of a sweat stained, spandex singlet separating you from her nubile body all whilst a crowded gym voyeuristically watches this "wonder year's-esque" episode unfold? i mean, what if you lost? what if you won? what if you got a boner??? pretty awful, huh? au contraire mon fraire! as i look back at this all-to-real scenario, i only wished i would've had the foresight to join the wrestling team for just the off chance of this occurring. see, i went to all-boys high school and i had more physical contact and meaningful conversations with the lunch lady than i had with any of the gals down the street at the all-girls school. if i could've had just three minutes of flopping around on the mats with some monstrous tom-girl it really could've wet my beak and got my groove going so i wouldn't be so terrified of girls... a terror that plagues me to this very day. heck, come to think of it, even that kind of physical contact with a dude could've really benefited me. i mean, if you closed your eyes and pretended really hard, what difference would it make?

look, i aint no goy... i'm quarter jew and proud of it. see, my paternal grandmother is jewish and, when the subject is broached, i'm often rebuffed by these snooty yentas snottily making me aware that "the jewish lineage only passes down through matrilineal descent." that's meshuga and everyone knows it. if your dad's mother is chinese, then you're chinese and if she's jewish, you're jewish. we're not talking about magical, tribal, "chosen people" poppycock - judaism doesn't circumnavigate dna like magellan around the globe only to be slaughtered by filipino savages. you can be a jew without ever setting foot in a temple or spinning a dradle. any time a group of peoples share common physical traits, it's an ethnicity. for example, you can tell if a person's chinese because they'll often have slanty eyes and a big, round face. likewise, a great deal of jews have big noses and long, horsey faces. now, i have neither of these traits but a good looking jew is still a jew. then again... i'm funny, riddled with anxiety and love noshing. see, i barely even know my grandmother and i've magically developed all these jewish traits. whether this has transpired through blood or osmosis from watching hours upon hours of "seinfeld," "curb your enthusiasm" and woody allen movies, i am jew... hear me kvetch.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the blog with two backs

2009-04-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

aside from the los angeles lakers, the utah jazz has got to be the most ridiculous name for any professional sports team. of course, both of these franchises moved from cities where their respective nicknames were more apropo (the lakers of minneapolis and the jazz of new orleans). in la, at least there's silverlake but utah, or salt lake city, has to be the least jazziest place in the country. in terms of misnomers, the utah jazz would be the equivalent to the richmond yankees, the phoenix canadiens and/or, the negro leagues very own, real life oxymoronical team of the atlanta black crackers (that's a whole 'nother blog unto itself!). perhaps, on an even more tangential note, the most misleading team name has to be the university of connecticut huskies which, of course, is better known colloquially as the uconn huskies. as a youth, i always believed this was a canadian school and team because of my childhood allusions to the adventures of "sergeant preston and yukon king." anywho, back to the utah jazz... the n'awlins jazz moved to utah for the 1979-1981 nba season where they decided not only to keep the nickname but the team colours of green, purple and gold which were representative of mardi gras, as well. of course, if you know anything of mardi gras, it is a decidedly un-mormon ceremony. in a perfect world, one would hope for new orleans' current basketball team of the hornets (formerly of charlotte) to take back the jazz moniker. but where would this leave utah after losing jazz? as it happens, in a serendipitous turn of kismet, utah's nickname is "the beehive state" where the title of hornets would be more than germane and appropriate... that is, if it is in fact, a reference to bees and not the popular women's hairdo of the 1960s and winehouse.

Dont Want To Wait Anymore - The Tubes - The Tubes
ba dum BLOG's!!! first embedded video, ba dum BLOG's!!! first embedded video!!!! what could spur such a momentous occasion? a little known 1981 music video from the san franicisco outfit, "the tubes," of course. now, i have seen various mtv and vh1 clip shows of which would lampoon such outrageous acts of music video decadence and absurdity. however, i have not seen nor am i aware of such lampooning of this particular production and feel it's my duty to make this li'l nugget of whimsy viral. heck, it's so unknown i couldn't even find it on the youtube.com! the song is aptly titled "don't want to wait anymore" and it's nothing more than a pretentious power ballad of some creep, bill "sputnik" spooner (spoon her???), creating a hypothetical scenario where him and his presumably prudish and refusing to putout gal pal are the last two on earth, stranded on a desert isle and are inevitably tasked with starting the world anew in order to survive, through sexual intercourse of which he'll teach her the ways of. with that blogged, this also raises the question of how old this perv's lady is because "putting out" and having to be taught how to make sex noises aren't traditional problems for ladies in bill "sputnik" spooner's (spoon her???) age range. anyway, that's the lyrical aspect of it all. aside from the obvious and dated silliness of the early 80's motif of the video, there are more pointed observations that must be blogged. to begin, this stooge has this ginormous, white electric guitar just hanging from his shoulders, drawing the images of a yoked ox, all of which he barely even strums; his hands are just sort of idling on the edge of the guitar for the majority of the time... UNTIL, he "just can't take it anymore!" and limps up the stairway to nowhere with all the grace and dexterity of quasimodo, only to feebly raise the guitar over his head where he, inexplicably and angstily, tosses it into the ankle deep water below. what does this mean??? and, even more vexing, after the guitar climatically splashes down, two members from the cast of "cats" pounce into the water from either side (i've watched/paused this multiple times and this is the best i could blog up with). so yeah, that's that... if you find this a mere modicum as interesting and entertaining as i do, i more than succeeded in blogging my feelings of mirth and merry.

sorry ladies, but it's okay for us to cheat on you. while, on the other hand, gals aren't allowed to step out on us. before i blog any further, please note that i'm dealing in the most general of generalities where the phrase "most of the time" (about 75%) reigns supreme. yes, that's a double standard and there should be double standards betwixt genders because you're from venus and we're from mars. and, in a more biological sense, as long as we can impregnate infinite women at a time where upon you can only be impregnated by one man at a time, you'll remain sluts while we're hailed as "mack daddies." also, as another caveat, we're blogging about cheating (one night stands, aliases and business trips) and not affairs (prolonged trysts, a toothbrush at her place, the promise of leaving our wife, etc). first of all, chicks can't do it because you're too emotional and sex "means something." or, if sex doesn't mean something to you, you're just an aforementioned slut and we'll want you for nothing more, anyway. as for men, we can make the beast with two backs, not know your name, never want to see you again and never think about you again... unless, of course, we've added you to our solitaire reel. we're just wired differently; we're ramblers. of course this isn't fair but fear not, ladies! you need not worry because men will only be caught/admit to it when/if they want to be caught. see, such known indiscretion will only be used to either make you angry as to push you away from us to the point of you leaving us so we won't have to, or to manipulate the relationship in our favour to let you know, in no uncertain terms, that you best step it up because we gots a bullpen in case we've deemed you ineffective. the good news??? if we never clue you in on or sloppily let you discover said liaisons, that means we're just sowing our proverbial oats and really love you and like you just the way you are and aren't interested in manipulating you or the relationship by dangling the carrot of other women over your pretty little heads. on the other hand, when you step out on us, there'll ALWAYS be an ulterior motive beyond gettin' down because you're a bunch of jezebelles and will ONLY use it as a vehicle of destruction. because... girls... are... DIRTY!!!

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: let it be known that ba dum BLOGger has only had 2 1/2 sexual encounters (1 1/2 of which took place on the internets) so his opines on male/female realtionships are mostly developed through old episodes of "silk stalkings" and "the scarecrow and mrs. king."

blogging, to and fro, in perpetuity

2009-04-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

it's a common misconception that the key to comedy is... TIMING!!! au contraire mon fraire, sometimes the most hilarious things in life are such because of the untimely and outdated nature in which they've been broached and/or blogged. for example, randomly blogging about forgettable family features from the years 1998 and 2004, respectively, is much funnier and more interesting than blogging about obvious/relevant moving pictures such as "fast and furious" being faster, more furious but with less "the." okay, enough prologue; check out the two movie posters... how can this happen??? on your top left, you have the 1998 disney movie starring daniel stern called "tourist trap." then, on your bottom right, you have your 2004 robin williams vehicle (pun INTENDED) of "rv." the plots are different but similar enough: nutty, overenthusiastic dad takes reluctant family on vacay in an rv where hilarious hijinx ensue. that's fine; no mainstream movies are original and all can usually be gleaned, cliché plot point by cliché plot point, the second you even lay eyes on the movie poster. AHAAA, THE MOVIE POSTER!!! does this drive (pun INTENDED!) you guys as crazy as it does me??? in fact, i've been driven soooo cRAzY i just drove my motor house to the top of a roadless peak where i'll just let it teeter, to and fro, in perpetuity! how can "rv" just blatantly rip off "tourist trap" like this? columbia pictures produced "rv" and you'd think disney would've sued the pants off them, right? now, i’ve never had the pleasure of seeing either movie but i wouldn’t even be the least bit surprised if this scene never even occurs… I mean, how could it??? seriously.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: thanks for sticking with us. mo' betta' and mo' frequenta' blogs to come. seriously. really.

we're all gonna blog!

2009-03-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

we're all gonna die! i'm going to die, you're going to die and it could even happen later on today. this may be the last blog i'll ever blog and the last blog you'll ever read the first three sentences of before moving on to your favourite porno movie internet website of choice. this just dawned on me and has depressed me to know ends. see, if you're religious and believe in an afterlife it's not so bad because you'll be moving on to the proverbial "better place" where you'll be riding flying unicorns to alternate universes with your grandparents and freddie mercury. on a tangential note, why is it only a "better place" and not the "best place?" i think even the most zealous of the religious zealots can only muster up a "better" because they know poor ol' aunt gertie is merely only "better" off six feet in the ground in lieu of all bed sored up, grafted to her couch with her dozen or so tabbies roaming her one bedroom apartment - even they wouldn't dare put "best" on a hypothetical fantasy.

anyway, as i was blogging, the scenario that religion has cooked/made up with your consciousness somehow seeping out of your dead skull and being cosmically transferred to some happy land of the dead is ridiculous, right? we're just machines and once our heart stops pumping blood and our brains stop firing off synapses that's it - there's no spirit, there's no soul, there's no awareness; it's only perpetual darkness which isn't even really perpetual or dark because there's no cognizance to even know or not know of anything, dark or otherwise. ohhhh ironical christ, that's depressing! sure, religion's way feels good and is comforting but it's a fairy tale and is f'n crazy and insulting. if i were told i was gonna die tomorrow, it's not like i'm gonna go to disneyland donning a peter pan suit and rape tinkerbell in the middle of the parade if i don't have the figurative carrot of heaven or hell dangling in front of me. i mean, it might not even be rape if she was down, right? or, is an intended rape always rape regardless of the subject's willingness, unbeknownst to your already decided action? i guess that'd be like coveting, right? or, is it like stealing a washer or dryer left out on the curb before its owner has a chance to put the "free" sign on it. gee, i wish there was some all-knowing, intergalactic king of morality and ethics to answer these question.

so, what next? how am i supposed to live knowing i may not wake up tomorrow morning and not even know i'm dying when i die or am dead when i'm dead? should i quit my job, should i plant a tree, should i take all the edible contents from my kitchen, put them in a blender and guzzle my concoction down? but seriously, what could one possibly do to break out from their prison of routine and ennui when they have the prospect of death looming over them every single second? like, a hundred people just died while i blogged that last sentence. what do we do with that? i guess this is what human kind faced during the dawn of the religion they made up and figured they needed to manufacture a "better place" for us to look forward to because we'd all go crazy and blog ridiculous, rambling blogs and/or rape tinkerbell, otherwise. so, what are you gonna do tomorrow when, by the grace of god, you wake up not dead? will you live your life to the fullest and find your "happy place?" or, will you forever be cursing yourself where you can't even really curse yourself in the dark perpetude that's not even dark perpetude when you've just read this last sentence and deal with the unpalatable possibility that this may be... the... last... word ... you'll... ever... read.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the aggro blog

2009-03-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

since when did thai food become the end all and be all of eat-out cuisine? i'd be fine if thai food was like the sixth or seventh resort after fast, american, mexican, italian, chinese, sushi, soul, etc. but it's all of a sudden rocketed to the top for no reason other than it's trendy and exotic. for one thing, it sounds a bit too much like "typhoid" for my liking but, even more importantly, it's not that great. it tastes like weird chinese food with an unsettling array of herbs and spices or something; i can't even rightly describe it. other than m. bison or sagat, i can't even name a single human being from the land of thai... how can thai food be this popular if there aren't even any thai people? (okay, i just wikipedia'd it and the only names i recognized are eldrick woods and johnny damon and they're only half/quarter breeds.) i could even blog the same thing for indian food with its unwarranted popularity, trendiness and even more unpalatable taste but at least i know of indian people. not to mention, if it wasn't for indian food, chris colombo never would've found america, would he? on the other hand, if it wasn't for thailand, we wouldn't have the popluar anthropological documentary series, "chicks with dicks."

there's much ballyhoo over last night's "thrilling" conclusion of "the bachelor." now, i don't watch the show nor do i care about what went down last night but i am familiar with the concept and have more than a few things to blog about as it pertains. now, if i were "the bachelor," i'd make it explicitly and/or implicitly known that the elimination process would be as simple as this (let's say it's a 12 week process): week one is first base, week two is second base, week three is third base, week four is home plate, week five is role playing, week six is knife play, week seven is scat, week eight is rough trade, week nine is just watching, week ten is your sister, week eleven is helping me move to my third story flat with no elevator in 95 degree heat and week twelve is oatmeal. and, if you chose not to participate in the week's theme then you will NOT receive a rose - it's that simple. face it, you're not going to find your "soul mate" so why not use this once in a lifetime opportunity, where you hold all the power, to run these gals through your own personal, sexual aggro crag? "d-d-d-do you have 'em - GUTS!"

everyone's got the travel bug; they're going to guam, they're going to italy, they're going to tibet, they're going to chile and i couldn't be less impressed. maybe i'm too provincial, jingoistic or lame but, i cannot think of a more stressful and horrifying experience than jet setting to some strange second or third world country all in the name of "adventure," "culture," and "pretention." if i'm not worried about what i'm going to eat than i'm worried about not speaking the language. if i'm not scared of getting kidnapped, then i'm scared of getting a disease. if i'm not stressed over keeping my itinerary, then i'm stressed over not packing enough socks. besides, these vacations aren't even vacations; you return more tired with more things to catch up on with less money to do it with than if you would've simply just stayed holed up in your room playing internet scrabble, watching "degrassi: the next generation" and blogging, like me. and, from where i blog, there are only two places in the whole world worth traveling to, anyway: las vegas and, of course, disneyland. las vegas is one of the only places where you can actually return with more money than what you left with and disneyland... well, that goes without blogging.

before this year, i could never take naps. ever since i was a baby i refused and, in preschool, my parents would have to pick me up early before we were confined to our cots during "naptime." once, they were late, and i threw a conniption to end all conniptions. anywho, at 26, i may have actually somewhat turned the corner on naps. albeit, i'm still a little embarrassed and disappointed in myself for giving into daytime slumber in lieu of being a productive and functioning adult human being. however, it sure can hit the spot! for now, my napping only occurs as a remedy to the night's previous overnight drunk but i am willing to give it a shot as it pertains to general boredom and ennui. what i don't get though is the scheduled power nap of which is squeezed into a time sensitive window. my napping occurs only on accident though, when i'm laying on my bed, watching tv. for example, i have colleagues who retreat to their car to nap during our one hour, company mandated lunch break. i also have friends who will retreat to their beds at 7pm before going out at 9pm. in both these scenarios i'd be so stressed out and concerned with falling asleep, yet not oversleeping, that i'd work myself up into a restless fit. the moral to this blog: don't catch z's, let z's catch you or... don't saw logs, blog blogs!

ba dum BLOG!!!

the buffalo blogs

2009-02-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

if you really think about it, the concept of tighty-whities is quite the fallacious enterprise. i think they've been pretty much phased out by now, except for in novelty/comedic purposes, but tighty-whities were pretty much the standard for men’s undergarments for at least fifty years. of course, there are also boxers, but that’s a whole ‘nother bit of ridiculousness… that i can’t resist tangentalizin' on. i’ll be brief (pun INTENDED!), but i’ve tried wearing boxers a few times and they got all twisted around my trunk with half a leg sucked up into my abyss all whilst my elvis was floppin’ around in a perpetual leather stage. needless to say, boxers didn't quite cut the mustard but i digress… see, i’m not so bumped by the “tighty,” it’s the “whitey” that gets me. there are just waaay too many things that could go wrong down there in the "milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made" variety of which could compromise the “whitey” aspect of the “tighties.” that’s why i propose that all unmentionables should be of a reddish brown colour. no blood, no foul, right? "whitey" is setting waaay too "tighty" of a precedent with little to no margin for error. you wouldn’t wear white to a spaghetti dinner nor would you make brown toilet paper. let’s keep this world colour appropriate, people.

i can't count how many times i've been bro'n down with the homies, flippin' through the channels on a lazy saturday when the consensus demands we nest on telemundo for un momento during one of their poolside, bikini shows. or, i'll be casually making fun of their goofy tella novellas, as is "the soup's" wont, and a dude bra' will pervishly remark "yeah, but how hot are the chicks?" "not at all!," i say/blog. and, i get chastised for this. they're tacky and gross; fake boobs, big hair, layers of makeup and thick thighs a pretty lady does not make. i have nothing against mexicans either; there are plenty of classy, attractive mexican gals like penelope cruz, j-lo and even bjork. sure, i may sound like a racist but this point is analogous to my opinions of the "rock of love: bang bus" ladies. you can say the same exact things about them with all the fake boobs and makeup. obviously, american tv is just as bad but i don't hear anyone ever espousing the beauty of daisy or heather the 40-year-old stripper.

you ever stop and think about what's going on with the nomenclature of futbol americano's buffalo bills? first off, the very man they're named for, "buffalo" bill cody, received his "buffalo" moniker for his prowess in killing buffaloes. yet, the buffalo bills' mascot and logo are of a buffalo which undermines the man in which they're named for. effectively, they've chosen to treat their team bass ackwards with their identity representing the name of the city while the nickname is more or less an absentee placeholder. also, if you're familiar with o.j. simpson's bills of the 60's, you'd know that their indelible logo was a silhouette of a red buffalo which looked suspiciously like a bloodied buffalo carcass after "buffalo" bill cody had just shot and skinned it (violent o.j. parallels INTENDED!). you'd think the mascot/logo should be of "buffalo" bill cody and not the creature he just about single-handedly wiped off the continent. lastly, the city of buffalo was not even named for buffaloes the animal (they never even lived there!) but for a crude translation of beau fleuve, the french word for "beautiful river," after early settlers feasted their beady, frog eyes on the niagara river. then, to top it off, sources close to ba dum BLOGger have revealed that the niagara river isn't even "beautiful," but rather is a dried up, muddy crick. no wonder the bills lost four straight super bowls...

ba dum BLOG!!!

top 10 hottest chicks of all time: vol. 2

2009-02-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

so, like i was saying... this is the second volume of my "top 10 hottest chicks of all time" blog. i originally blogged the first version on my 'space blog of yore and this doesn't replace the original top 10 nor is it merely an addendum, but a reimagining or, a reinvigoration, of sorts. again, i'll also try to stay away from the cliche, boring choices that you'll find on some lame maxim list. also, don't look too much into the order - there really is no rhyme or reason why "lady a" is above "lady b;" it's all happenstance and hand jobs, really. yeah, so that's that... it's a pretty self-explanatory list: these are gals that i wouldn't mind heavy petting (above or beneath clothes), dry and/or wet humping, taking to disneyland or eating their lung (thank you, big lurch http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Lurch .org/wiki /B ig_Lurch).

10. shailene woodley

and, no... she is NOT yet 18, thank you very much. see, she's one of the gals i'd take to disneyland in lieu of the various forms of second base i'll be imagining myself doing with the other ladies listed. if you didn't know, she's the chick in that "secret life of the american teen" show on the abc family where her character is with child. shailene's inclusion raises an interesting philosophical question: is it less creepy or creepier that she's got a bun in the oven? with that said, i definitely find her hotter with the pillow strapped to her belly. but, to answer the question, i'd contend it's less creepy since she isn't really the youngest one in the picture anymore.

9. lo bosworth

she is a complete afterthought when it come to the ladies of "the hills." and, while most would say i'm being a contrairion in listing her above the likes of l.c., audrina and the legitimately ugly hedi, i believe that there's something about her big ears, crossed eyes and hooked nose that makes her a natural, albeit flawed, beauty. another thing, lo's character is commonly construed as being the "bitch" of the group however, this is only because she's the lone gal with a modicum of personality and brains among these vapid and vacuous vixens previously mentioned.

8. kristen kruek

***SPOILER ALERT***

since i'm kinda' sorta' half racist and a whole lot racial, kristin kreuk will be the only gal of colour on my list. and, fittingly enough, she is only half "gal of colour," herself. as it were and is, she is half white and half chinese - NEAT! that's all i really have to say about her... i've never really seen any of her shows or anything. i more or less only know of her from her neutrogena commercials. oooh, she is playing the new chun li, though!

7. betty draper

nope, not january jones, but her namesake on television's "mad men," betty draper, has made the list. see, it's the conglomeration of the frustrated housewife and all the '60's garb that really gets me going. i just love the hair, the dresses and all the oppressive underwears of the granny panties and cone brassier persuasion. and, to keep with the theme of the character and not the person, there was no hotter moment in television than mrs. draper's adulterous turn when she took a man in the bar lavatory in the season two finale of "mad men"... oooh, la and la!

6. ginnifer goodwin

this blog is about to take a decided turn for the blonde, skinny and young and i thought we needed a thirty-year-old, round faced brunette to serve as the proverbial calm before the storm. see, this girl is just pure spunk and, in the words of lou grant, "i hate spunk" (but really, he likes it...). anywho, ginnifer and i go all the way back to "ed" (the bowling alley lawyer, not the baseball playing monkey) where she played a geeky, bespectacled teen who may or may not have had intercourse with the mac jerk. and now, she's a perpetually pregnant, polygamous piece in "big love" - RAD.

5. olivia palermo

see, i usually eschew beauty for cute but there is just something about this lady that breaks through all my normal perversions and predilections. her features are just so goshdarn angular and striking you really can't take your eyes away from her; she's like a geometrist's nocturnal emission. oh, in case you've been living in a cave underneath the ocean (thank you, a-roid), she's a former new york city "it gal" and the bitch (HUGE bitch) in "the hills" spinoff, "the city." you watch, if you actually frequent "the city," you'd notice that whoever has the misfortune of sharing screentime with her gets a doughy faced, chinless makeover. poor whitney, she's gone from a 7.5 to a 6.1 :0(

4. emma watson

holy mackerel, hermione has aged well! it is definitely a rare and noteworthy occasion when a lady actually looks better at 18 than at 16 and please note that it's been noted first at http://www.blogger.com/www.badumblog.vlogspot.com. although, she does have a little bit of that thick browed, strong jawed look that afflicts so many englanders although, it offsets her youthful glow nicely for the perfect meeting betwixt maturity and... um, post-pubescence. also, please give me props and/or kudos for not resorting to any trite "wand" humour, spank you.

3. miriam mcdonald

who am i talking aboot? well, if you were from america's hat (canada), you'd know this gal as emma nelson, the star of "degrassi: the next generation." at 21, she is the antithesis of the gal previous, meaning, yes, she was, in fact, hotter at 16. nevertheless, she's still a fine piece of bronzed, blonde canadian arse and we can only hope she makes the jump from the ctv to the cw. meanwhile, we can still watch repeats of "degrassi" where her adventures take her anywhere from meeting her retarded biological father to contracting ghonorrhea from jay hogart down at the ravine. oh, canada...

2. bella thorne

hear me out!!! yes, she's only 12 *cringe* but i must harken back to a ba dum blogger who was only a sophomore in high school when he saw a 12-year-old lindsay lohan in "the parent trap" and proclaimed to his pal(s), "you watch, this gal and her british twin sister are gonna' be the cat's pajamas in couple of few..." and did my friends agree or give props and/or kudos? nay, they mocked me and deemed me a "pervert!" and now, i'll bring it up and no one even remembers or believes my foresight since it wasn't documented like i'm documenting this. see, i know these things and should be a casting director of some sort so we don't have the same unfortunate occurance that took place in "the wonder years" where winnie cooper aged from a cute kid to a square faced, broad shouldered not-so-attractive teenager. for more information, i blogged about this lady in a less creepy and more informative manner during the infant stages of badumblog http://badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/soulja-blog.html.
postscript: my roommate, david a. diano agrees with this observation and accepts this listing in the non-pedophilic spirit in which it's intended and presented, thank you.

1. taylor swift

fine, this pick may be a bit trendy and on the nose but i don't care; ba dum blogger likes himself some taylor swift! sure, with her beady eyes and slight overbite, she bares a more than a striking resemblance to the inbred, possum-faced, bango strummin' retard from "deliverance" but i believe in nuance and there is no more nuanced of a machine than that of a mind which can juxtapose and draw upon two such seemingly dissimilar things all in the name of raw, animalistic attraction. id est and/or ergo: ba dum blogger is an f'n genius who ironically blogs in the third blogger.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we're back biZZnatches!!!

****BONUS QUESTION***

what do 2/3 of these ladies have in common? hint: it's an example of one of ba dum blogger's favorite literary devices.

ba dum DUNZO?!?!?

2008-10-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

i don't know... i may be all out of blog. it just got to a point where i'd get sick to my stomach looking back at blogs blogged prior. they're just so shamelessly self-indulgent and the strange, all too real, dichotomy of "narcissistic self-loathing" was really starting to wear on my already fragile psyche. i'm in the midst of a crisis of faith. besides, how much more of ba dum... I HATE RELIGION!!!, ba dum... I'M BALDING!!!, ba dum... GIRLS HATE ME!!!, ba dum... PUNS!!!, ba dum... TURNS OF PHRASE!!!, ba dum... ENGLISH ORTHAGROPHY!!!, ba dum... I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!!, ba dum... THINLY VEILED RACISM FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES!!! could you really stand?

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: we'll be back soon, maybe later, possibly better than ever, perhaps worse than ever or... never again.

blog nauseam

2008-10-13T15:43:00.001-07:00

while you’ve read me blog ad nauseam in regards to how lame religion is, i must admit that i understand and can appreciate the whole communal aspect of the weekly (weakly?) church experience. sure, the idea of sitting/standing/kneeling for over an hour while offering praise and thanks to a vengeful and insecure god all in the name of reaching salvation (ie saving your arse) is the epitome of irrational, divisive and non-productive behaviour but that’s beyond the point at this juncture. however, the idea of making friends and connecting with like-minded people is a very rewarding and worthwhile experience. this is why i’ve fallen in love with my new, sunday ritual of frequenting a local bar that acts as the primary meeting place for displaced san francisco 49er fans in la. and, because of its striking similarities, i jokingly refer to this activity as “going to church.” sure, the idea of blindly rooting and for a particular pair of laundry over another, just because that’s what you know and is what your father and grandfather have done before you, is just as irrational and silly yet, at the same time, sports often doesn’t bleed into or interfere with the non-sports fan’s life in the same way religion does to the rational – unless, of course, you count 60 minutes being preempted an intrusion. anyway, this 49er bar is FANTASTIC! we all cheer together, boo together, curse together, get drunk together, complain together and often times even argue together. heck, we all dress the same too. it’s everything church is but better. and, if anyone contends that praying to a statue of a dead guy on a cross is more communal, spiritual and uplifting than watching football then they haven’t been one of fifty drunken voices swearing at a television screen. besides, the odds are infinitely better that joe montana will walk through my front door, give me a high five and ask to use my bathroom than moribund, ol' jesus appearing in my hash browns and asking me to sacrifice/murder/slaughter my one and only son just to massage his father's ego. with that said, i choose to worship at the altar of joe cool over jesus creep-o. still though, i’m not an atheist so i do allow for some belief of one, almighty and intelligent designer and i find no better evidence for this than america’s most popular pastime not-so-coincidentally occurring at the same time as most church services of which kiss the ass of a make believe, man made “god.”

ba dum BLOG!!!

"those bloggers"

2008-10-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

i was listening to adam carolla's radio show the other day, as is my wont, and he mentioned how when, or even if, barack o'bama won the presidency that the blacks would have nothing more to complain about since they already have the highest paid movie star (will smith), tv star (oprah), athlete (tiger woods, 4/17s black) and person under 25 (lebron james). again, i'm not racist but racial and all things pertaining to race are of great interest to me. see, this is especially relevant because all "those peoples'" earnings are based solely on our, the general hoi poloi's, support and positive reaction towards them as entertainers and people. it's not like it's a bill gates or a warren buffet where their affluence is based upon creating or developing a product or as someone who brilliantly invests in a product. nay, "those people," who i mentioned earlier, are the product; their talent, their personalities, their likability and their popularity are what's earning them their moneys. of course, i'm sure adam carolla was only half kidding when he brought this up because he, and sane minded people, are well aware of the struggles generations before and the current generation face everyday but still, this is a very telling observation and a sign of great progress (as i pat my honky self on the back). i even jokingly brought this point up to a coworker of colour and, while he genuinely laughed at first, he turned serious and said "now, if we can only get our reparations." like, woah... reparations is a scary subject for whities like me. i wimped out and didn't even respond because my belief on reparations is this; like marriage, communism and the xfl - great in theory but nearly impossible in practice and with a high propensity for tragedy. who would get the money? how much money would one get? where would the money come from? how would egypt pay back the jews? and so on and so on... sure, slavery was a HUGE and unconscionable injustice which also acted as the shoulder blade, if not the backbone, of america's development as a country and rise to prominence but... but... really, i don't know and feel very uncomfortable even blogging about it. but i digress, and what i really wanted to blog from the very beginning was that, with o'bama's bid for the presidency, we are going to hear a new battle cry from whence any whitey is ever accused of being a racist in the form of "hey, i'm not racist... i voted for o'bama!" you watch, regardless of if the person voted for o'bama, mcain or nader this will replace "hey, i saw "sowordfish," in the theaters, JUST to see halle berry's boobies" to become the new escape hatch for all alleged racists.

ba dum BLOG!!!

living off blogs

2008-10-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

i have an archnemesis and she is my office building's cleaning lady. now, she's not an archnemesis in the sense that she's mean or diabolically evil but where she's a constant and consistent proverbial wrench in my metaphorical gears. there's nothing exceptional or noteworthy about her either, she's just your stereotypical, squatty middle-aged hispanic lady. you see, we only have three floors in my office building so she's the only one but she is EVERYWHERE. regardless of whether i'm in the first floor break room, the second floor kitchen or the third floor bathroom, she is a THERE and in MY WAY. yet, not only is she there but she is working and working HARD. it's bad enough to run into her like five times a day but it’s even worse that i've NEVER, EVER seen her taking a break or sitting - the phrase "time to lean, time to clean" has never been tossed her way. oh no, there she is with her huge trash can on wheels a moppin', a wipin' and just generally doing her job with the fervor of a franciscan friar's flowing frock. i swear, there has to be like six of her - it's like she's part of an oompa loompa cleaning lady service or something. she just makes me feel so guilty too. here she is; probably not even fluent in english and twice my age but she's working like 10 times harder than me, all whilst making probably a quarter of what i make. then again, 100% of able bodied adults could do her job while only 85% could do mine, but still. that just goes to show that you're worth and pay are based on how replaceable you are and/or how unique your skills are... so, there you go. that's why i never feel any sympathy towards waiters and waitresses complaining about their pay or "living off tips" because anybody could do their jobs. that's why waiting tables is often the first job of so many high schoolers and only job of all these aspiring aspirers. anyway, back to my archnemesis; while i blog this i do feel kind of silly and evil myself for harbouring such resentment towards such a harmless and hard working lady but i do remember once, when she first started, that i smiled and said "hello," but she gave me the high hat and there's just been this unspoken, awkward vibe betwixt us ever since. maybe i’ll give her a white, cashmere sweater for x-mas and this will bury the hatchet… as long as she doesn’t see that red dot.

ba dum BLOG!!!

the top 7 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 3

2008-10-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

1. the lefties shake hands righty: while jmc and bo'b are both portsiders, they still elected to use their less dominant hand in their pre-debate, salutatory handshake. this just goes to show how southpaws still harbour the negative effects of this social stigma in their everyday lives. while dollypaws aren't getting a ruler across the knuckles or being attributed with satanic qualities anymore, they're still so adversely affected by their minority standing that they can't even greet each other in the way which nature intended. this point also prologues the fun factoid that five of our last seven presidents have been gibblefisters (including jmc or bo'b). so, with these five, including the three more before that, there have been eight presidents with such affliction/advantage - that comes to roughly 18%. that doesn't sound like much but only 7-10% of the adult population is cackhanded. neat.

2. mccain gets snarky: when jmc opened the debates with "...and sen. o'bama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting," this was a clear and calculated example of subterfuge and snark. you see, jmc challenged bo'b to a series of ten joint town hall meetings all the way back in june, once b'ob all but earned the presidential nod. unfortunately, b'ob declined but jmc probably would've declined too if b'ob had challenged him. maybe this is just my bias blogging but i believe this was a political act of chicken where whoever challenges who wins by virtue of neither party's willingness to engage. or, jmc was willing to back up his challenge and, in that case, b'ob was straight punk'd, yo. either way, i believe the more open forums for discourse the better but this can't reflect well on jmc to take a shot like that in just his very first statement of the debate, can it? sure, bo'b was snarky at times too but this was easily the most loaded and discreet example of it. and, at www.badumblog.blogspt.com, the snark stops here because this is the no snark zone and we're looking out for you (thank you, bill o'reilly).

3. mccain's handicap is his handicap: of course this is unfair, irrelevant and catty but the sight of jmc out and about with free reign from the shackles of his podium, is aesthetically unpleasing, creepy and downright horrifying. i know, i know, his weird arm thing that makes him look like he's wading through a cold crick is from injuries sustained during his stay at the hannoi hilton but we are such visual peoples that this can't bode well. this was proven at the first televised presidential debates when jfk elected to go with makeup and bronzer while dick nixon rocked the flop sweat and receding hairline. if you'll remember, all those who watched the debates saw jfk as the clear winner while those listening to radio believed it to be dick nixon. it makes you wonder how different the polls would be if the visuals and gaits were reversed, straightened and less creepy.

4. mccain is a multitasker: when jmc was asked about "health care, energy, and entitlement reform: social security and medicare" in regards to what order he'd prioritize them he answered "i think you can work on all three at once." hmm, is jmc suggesting we multitask much like he did with the pending bailout plan and the first presidential debates when he chose to suspend the election and postpone said debates??? ruh roh!!! was this an intentional play by jmc to erase the memories of his failed politickin' during that time or was this a bonehead example of hypocrisy? i, for one, agree with the former because methinks everything said in these debates is calculated and rehearsed which is why they refuse to answer the questions in lieu of hitting on their precious talking points. plus, jmc alluded to multitasking again when he said "look, we can attack health care and energy at the same time. we're not - we're not - we're not rifle shots here." this is where i'd insert a palin/helicopter/gun/moose joke if i were a hackneyed, hack blogger.

5. hi, i'm in delaware: finally, we have an answer to wayne campbell and garth algar's general ennui and languor when faced with the prospect of going on holiday to delaware. according to bo'b "everybody (banks) goes to delaware, because they've got very - pretty loose laws when it comes to things like credit cards." hmm, now we know. thanks, bo'b! hey, isn't your pal, joe biden, also a senator from delaware? i have just quadrupled mine and your delaware knowledge.

6. o'bama makes a funny: oooh, oooh, did you hear it when bo'b attributed jmc to being the guy who sang "bomb, bomb, bomb iran?" that's funny because the beach boys are often attributed to be the ones who first sang "barbara ann" while it was fred fassert and "the regents" who first wrote and preformed the song. but, it was "vince vance and the valliants" who later parodied the song as "bomb iran" and vinnie barbarino of "welcome back kotter" who famously preformed his own rendition; "baa-baa-baa baa-barbarino." but even still, we come full circle as jmc did attempt to sing the aforementioned vince vance version at a campaign stop in april of '07. thank you, bo'b and thank you, www.wikipedia.com.

7. o'bama really likes pig metaphors: again, bo'b utilized a pig metaphor - again!!! behold: "i mean, you know, it's tough to ask a teacher who's making $30,000 or $35,000 a year to tighten her belt when people who are making much more than her are living pretty high on the hog." who are these "people," who bo'b clearly hates and takes great pleasure in besmirching, that he's speaking of? and, why would this "hog," who is clearly just as bad as those he lets ride high on, aid and abet these teacher haters? of course, i'm just perpetuating such pigheaded politics by drawing attention to and rolling in the mud with such skullduggery and malfeasants but i hope you'll just disregard it as hogwash. or, maybe this is just bo'b slyly pandering to the jews, once again, by preying on their kosher sensibilities and degrading all things pork... "th-th-th-that's all folks!"

ba dum BLOG!!!

cascading blog

2008-10-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

viagra looks to be an excellent and viable drug which has provided many happy returns. however, it seems to me that their advertisements are only targeting one, specific kind of dude. yes, whether they’re in their 40s or 60s, these flaccid fellas are all shown to be participating in varying dalliances with women which range anywhere between dancing, a romantic dinner or a spirited game of battleship. the key phrase here is “with women”... and, no, i’m not suggesting viagra commercials featuring homosexuals - that’s perverse, YUCK! i’m proposing that viagra throws a proverbial bone to all the "solitaire" (badumblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/jelly-blog.html) players of the world. so, if you’re low on blood flow and one for cascading cards of alternating colours and descending numerical order then why would you also want to be reminded that you’re single, can’t get a date and are very, very alone??? i’m sure a very significant amount of "limp larrys" are lonely as opposed to playing the field or happily married. and, if i know anything about the psychology of advertising (which i don't), when a specific group of people aren’t being represented or catered to they’ll be less likely to get that warm and fuzzy feeling inside that compels said group to purchase said product. i’m not saying you make an explicitly lewd and graphic commercial but one that’s tastefully done all while making it very clear to the audience you’re trying to reach that you're there, and here, for them. for example; you could show a guy on his computer, perhaps playing the internet video game of “world of warcraft,” another dude playing hacky sack or a fella’ getting a calf cramp massaged out. if the viagra people made a commercial with a montage of those images spliced with the knee slappin,' foot stompin' tunes of the “viva viagra boys” then you’d see a substantial *ahem* rise in sales.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: viagra humour = fresh, timely and lolz... NOT!!!

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 2

2008-10-06T06:31:00.001-07:00

6. i love israel, you love israel, we all love israel!: for those of you who don't know, israel = florida jews. you see, florida is a battle ground state or, a swing state with a lot of old jews with old money who vote. they were the crux of the whole florida debacle in '00 because it was mostly them who either f'd up or got f'd over (depending on which team you root for) and had their votes not counted or miscounted. conventional wisdom says they probably would've voted for gore but who knows... either way, they'll once again be a pivotal force in the '08 election and both sexy sarah and joey b. would be remiss if they didn't espouse their israel love like they did during the debates.

7. who is "joe six pack?:" for one thing, i don't know if i'd be bragging about and/or pandering to a constituency who may, at the very least, be binge drinkers or alcoholics. really, is that something you wanna' be bringing up over and over again at the debates? why is "joe six pack" good and "latte sipping larry" bad? yes, i know there was no mention of a "latte sipping larry" but latte sippers are usually demonized by the right in political forums while drunken mongoloids are celebrated as the salt of the earth. meanwhile, joey b. missed an excellent opportunity for the greatest moment in debate history (yes, even better than steve a. douglas' "four matadors in quick sand/quatro cinco" quip during the lincoln/douglas debates). anyway, biden should've stepped out from behind his podium and said "hey, if y'all wanted to know what's important to "joe six pack," all you had to do was ask..." then, he pulls up his shirt, flexes, punches his stomach and screams "these abs don't flab!!!" game, set, biden.

8. pulp moves, baby!: really, what was with all of sexy sarah's winking? i mean, it made me sit up a little straighter in my seat but doesn't that make her look kinda' shifty or like a floozy. i guess i just don't totally get the connotations of winking. when george was doing it in the famous episode of "seinfeld" it was accidental but construed as giving off a less than honest vibe. when guys and and girls do it to eachother isn't it a flirty thing? so, why would palin do this? she's hot enough as it is... does she really need to wink, too? trust me, the men of america are already on notice and i can't imagine one thing a woman hates more than another woman, who is clearly hotter than them, confounding the fact by winking at their depressed, "joe six pack" of a husband.

9. joe biden's sad past: maybe i just hadn't been paying attention but i didn't even know about the whole thing with biden's wife a daughter. it turns out his family was in a pretty horrific car accident that killed his wife, his daughter and put two of his sons in critical condition. biden even contemplated giving up his senatorship so he could provide extra care and attention to his sons, who made a full recovery, and was even sworn into office from one of their bedsides. however, he decided to stick it out and made a special effort to make sure he was home often to care for his sons. this revelation should be neither here nor there in terms of politics but with team republican using palin's mentally challenged sons and pregnant daughter as such a coup, it really puts things in perspective to know biden understands tragedy and family strife. sad :(

ba dum BLOG!!!

the top 9 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 2, part 1

2008-10-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

i originally planned on blogging this blog immediately after the debate, while it was all fresh and so clean clean in my mind, but i had a friend who i haven't seen in like two years who was down to go out on an overnight drunk. and, didn't the beetles say "life is what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans?" but, then again, they also said "i am the walrus" so i don't know what to believe (thank you, tim canterbury). anyway, while a blog is surely worth blogging, a life is also worth living so i lived in lieu of blogging and now i'm hungover in my cubicle where i'm now blogging and not living. yes, www.badumblog.blogspot.com: the intersection of life and blogging.

1. sarah palin and john mccain are still "mavericks:" i actually kept a tally over how many times sarah palin evoked the moniker of "maverick" in regards to either her or john boy. and, it came out to a total of six. now, if vegas created a line in allusion to such, and if i would've put money on it, i would've picked the over and lost. good for sexy sarah! i figured she would've dropped the "maverick" bomb no more than thirty three times but she showed some self-control and resisted such activity. on the other hand, joe biden dropped the "maverick" bomb a total of eight times. however, this all came at the end of the debate when joey b. went on his "mccain is not a maverick" rant. and, in case you were wondering, the dictionary defines a maverick as "one that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter." neat. kinda' like how dallas maverick, josh howard, refused to participate in the national anthem because he's "black"... and a maverick. neater.

2. sexy palin is a soccer mom: what the heck was that? all of a sudden sexy sarah is a "soccer mom" and not a "hockey mom?" really, can you be both? can you even play soccer on the frozen tundra? she totally punk'd out hockey mom's and got all up on soccer moms. personally, i think both sports are lame and she really isn't doing herself any favors by bouncing betwixt the two. is she trying to appeal to mexicans with the whole soccer thing or was she merely just trying to give us a break from hockey? either way, according to sarah, what these mom's were representing was "fear." fear for the economy and the inability to send their "soccer kids" to college and such. poor soccer people :(

3. sarah doesn't answer questions: really, after sexy sarah was called out for not answering questions she replied "i may not answer the questions the way you and the moderator want to hear but i'm going to talk straight to the american people." whaaaaaat??? that'd be all fine and dandy if she was giving a speech at a convention but she just came off as as filibusterin' filibusterer. which is fine, i guess, but it just seemed like she had a chambered soliloquy regardless of what the question was. she had well formulated and prepared thoughts but they rarely answered any of the questions she was asked. gwen would ask her about education and palin would drop a few lines about schools but then say "however gwen, what i really want to talk about is the ozone layer." again, she couldn't tell you what time it was but she could tell you when it's time for chili.

4. smiling smilers like to smile: wow, it was almost as if they were having a "smile off." sarah palin was smiling the whole debate, which was super hot, but joey b. countered with an even toothier, smilier grin. and, low and behold, joey b. actually had a nicer smile. that had to be the upset of the night! for how hot sexy sarah is, who would've thunk it that joey b. would out smile her? really, how nice were his teeth? did he just get some new veneers or is he a flossin' and a brushin' like six times a day? either way, his teeth were the shining star of the night.

5. joey b. mocks joey d.: so, joey b. put on his anderson cooper 360 flak jacket and hit up the local fill-up station for some man on the street, hard hitting journalistic action. There, he asked yokel, joey danco, how much it cost to fill his tank and poor joey d. said he didn't know because he can never afford to. wa wa waaaaaaaaaa :( and.....? and.........? what next, what happened??? did joey b. offer to fill up his tank, did joey d. give him a bracelet or did joey b. merely just stop his tape recorder and say "thanks for the quote, gotta' run and get ready for this debate...PEACE!!!"??? this just seemed like a terrifically awkward exchange amongst the haves and the havenots and i really wish i could have been there as opposed to havenot being there.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor’s note: 6-9, part 2 to come later.

morbid blogesity

2008-10-02T06:47:00.001-07:00

you hear about that new law in california? governor schwarzenegger (the black plowman) signed a bill where restaurant chains with more than twenty locations must print nutritional information on their menus. i can understand and appreciate the thought process behind this but i don't like what it means for me. first off, i went to catholic school for eight years and have just barely begun to come down from my crucifixion of guilt and have no intentions of returning. i know fast food is bad for me but i also reserve the right to put whatever i want into my body, whenever i want to, all in the name of happiness without the government insulting my intelligence and attempting to save me from myself. secondly, i like how fast food speeds up the evolutionary process and weeds out the dumb and weak. sure, i eat a lot of fast food but i also practice moderation and exercise - i'm not a fatty. and, what the over consumption of fast food inevitably does is make the weak minded masses who exhibit no self-control, pride in self or common sense morbidly obese which cuts down on their ability to find suitable mates to reproduce and, because of said morbid obesity, cuts into their life expectancy. simply put: fast food isolates the useless gene and eliminates it. lastly, this law discourages critical thinking and applied intelligence. this bill does for health what the bible does for morality. do healthy people need a government induced, fast food calorie count to be healthy? NOPE! do good and ethical people need the bible to be good and ethical? NOPE! i don't want fat people to know they're fat just as i don't want unethical people to know they're unethical. when we force feed (pun INTENDED!) self-awareness like this it encourage change for the better and, in turn, shrinks the gap between me and them. if not for them, i wouldn't be trim and good by comparison (heck, i'm barely hanging on as it is). the next thing you know, a blog bill will be passed that makes every mouth breathing mongoloid blog a daily blog and then i'd really be in big heap trouble.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: ugh, i know... i get tired of the ba dum BLOGger acting like a know-it-all and as if he's better than 99.99% of the planet too. however, be rest assured because, coincidentally enough, that same percentage represents how many people haven't heard of nor will ever read the ba dum BLOG!!!

blogquisha

2008-10-01T06:10:00.001-07:00

okay, so i have hairy arms. however, i still contend that i'm just barely above average in arm hairiness for the run-o'-the-mill, american white caucasian male but the issue lies in the fact that my arm hair is jet black so it's much more noticeable. i've never really minded the aesthetics of it myself but in college it had gotten to the point where i overheard myself being referred to as "the guy with the hairy arms" on more than one occasion. so, i began trimming my arm hair with a beard trimmer. problem solved, right? WRONG! now, during the first week after a trim, i'd get more comments in reference to the trim than i ever did for the arm hair to begin with. yet, even with all the "do you trim your arm hair" or the "i thought your arms were hairier" i still never heard myself referred to as "the guy who trims his arm hair" so i considered this the more agreeable alternative. i felt this way until recently where i realized i was starting to get very uncomfortable with my arm hair becoming a topic of discussion. that's all i want really; just for my arm hair to be irrelevant and not an issue that warrants comments. so here i am; i'm a 26-year-old man who's decided to own it, go au naturale and let his arm hair run wild. and, while i'm at it, i think it's time for men to stop trimming, shaving and ughh... waxing their chest hair as well. now, as a completely straight and sexually comfortable hetero male, i'll say that male chest hair is the hot sex - it's manly and just looks right. i seriously think a little bit of hamburger meat spilling out of a shirt looks good. besides, can any sane or right thinking women or man truly think a slippery smooth chase "gay face" crawford or a zach "zaquisha" effron (thank you, perez hilton) is better looking than a vigorously virile burton leon reynolds or a tom selleck??? i don't think so...

ba dum BLOG!!!

ba dum BLOGger has no "game" vol. 6

2008-09-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

bloggers like me (losers) need a great deal of circumstance and luck to get chicks. we aren't going to a bar and handpicking the belle of the ball, slinging her drunken body over our shoulder and bringing her back to our den. we just can't. we gots no "game." this means when we have an opportunity of circumstance we need to pounce and pounce hard. whether it be a cute girl in the cubicle next to us, a hot chick in class or a literal girl next door (or a few doors down) as in a neighbour; these situations provide bloggers like me (losers) to organically get to know a girl and woo her in a low pressure, unthreatening way. of course, nine times out of ten, this leaves us in the dreaded "friend zone" but it's better than being mocked and made fun of, ten times out of ten, at bars. this is why it still sticks in my craw to this day when i couldn't open or close the deal with a couple of neighbour girls a few doors down. so, if you'd please indulge me as we (my reader and i) take a ride in the way back machine to about two years ago (give or take a year...).

so, my roommate and i had just moved into a new apartment and whilst our apartment manager was going over the particulars she let us know that we may be getting a fair amount of mail for the girls who used to live in our place but have since moved a few doors down. of course, my desperate/opportunistic wheels start a-turnin' and before i could even get my hands on that mail i decided that once i got their names from their mail that i'd plug them into myspace and see what we're dealing with. diabolical? yes. creepy? perhaps. stalkerish? probably. something that every guy would do if they had the foresight and were genius enough to think of but would never have the keep-it-realness to admit? indubitably: stone cold, lead pipe lock of a fact. so, i found their myspaces, which weren't "private," (which immediately earned them 10 "cool chick points") and were both attractive (but not too attractive) and single! i couldn't ask for a better situation!!! however, a bigger discrepancy betwixt great situation and huge loser could not have occurred.

right from the get-go, our mail box was flooded with moderately attractive neighbour chick mail. and, for better or for worse (i'll let you guess which it is/was), my roommate was gone on business and not spending much time at our apartment so the onus fell entirely on me to deliver the mail and male. so here i am, literally knock-kneed, sweating and pacing in our apartment with a handful of moderately attractive neighbour chick mail rehearsing over and over again in my head what i'm going to say upon delivering said mail. of course, i already knew their names and what they looked like so i was scheming and racking my brains over something clever i could offer during introductions. well, there is no chance of them ever reading this so i'll let you in on their names since this is important to my clever quip i had chambered. their names were amber and ashley with the former having strawberry blondish hair and the latter with dark brown hair. can you see where i'm going with this??? my genius line, upon introductions, was to make the observation that their names and hair colours should be reversed since ashley has amber coloured hair and amber had ashy coloured hair. where else but http://www.badumblog.bogspot.com/ can you get this kind of candid, unadulterated insight into one of the internets' great minds?

so here i am, mail in hand and at the door. i ring the bell and one of the moderately attractive neighbour chicks answers (i think it was ashley), i introduce myself as the new neighbour, she introduces herself and calls amber to the door to meet me as well. we all exchanged pleasantries where i proceeded to metaphorically piss all over myself with nary a quip, nary anything except for me looking at the ground, mumbling my name and giving them a requisite "nice to meet you." of course, i now realize that it's best i didn't go with the hair/name line but, at the time, i had it chambered and ready to go and i still could've said something, right? of course, since i'm a neurotic head case, i never bounced back from this initial meeting and proceeded to just leave their mail under their door matt and continued to give muted "hellos" during our chance meetings in the halls. of course, me retreating to turtle shell mode was completely irrational and a total overreaction to nothing but i just couldn't stomach having anything more than a two minute conversation with the moderately attractive neighbour chicks. it just wasn't worth the aggravation and self-loathing. then again, they didn't show much of an interest in anything more than a two minute conversation either so it probably wouldn't have progressed any further anyway, right? but still...

so, yada, yada, yada they moved out a couple of months later and that was that. why is this relevant; other than having to fill blog space in a daily blog? because we just had some neighbours move out and, over the excitement of getting new neighbours, i was reminded of what not to do if we got another duo of hot, neighbour chicks. actually, i hope we don't. i know it sounds ridiculous but my mind just races and can't help but put all these ridiculous expectations and scenarios in play. does everyone's mind work like this or am i just the only one dumb enough to blog it? i don't know what i expected... i didn't have to get to second base with them or anything but we were of the same age and everything so we could've at least been friends, right? and then, they could meet my friends, i could meet their friends and we'd all have more friends by proxy. a very underreported part of graduating college is just how you took for granted that 90% of your friends have always come from school and now you're leaving that fertile crescent of social fertility behind. and, to be honest, i really haven't figured out how to make friends in a post-college world. i mean, i've made a few good friends through work but it's just not as easy. anyway, back to getting new neighbours, it would be nice if they were some guys or girls of similar age so their could be potential for friendship but i just know that it'll probably just be some loud armenian family who will stink up the halls with their potent food. you ever notice that? i think you can tell how long minorities have been in america by how much their food permeates the surrounding areas. the more pungent, the more fobish... just sayin.'

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: daily blogging = quantity over quality.

the top 10 things i noticed from the debate (and you didn't) vol. 1

2008-09-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

i don't have the chops to provide a real, comprehensive analysis of all things debates so i'll provide a more eclectic, gimmicky look at what i saw and heard (and, more importantly, what you didn't see and hear). besides, this thing has been analyzed and taken apart a million times over by now and i don't just merely want to hitch my blog to their professional, well written, analytical wagons and provide my ba dum BLOGateers with the silly, irrelevant and inconsequential underbelly of all things debated.

*blogged and listed in chronological order

1. john mccain bringing up ted kennedy: did anyone else get the sense that they had a coin flip backstage over who would get to mention ted kennedy's deteriorating health during the debates? i just find it odd that john boy would be the one to do it in lieu of o'bama since kennedy has kinda' been like his mentor and big fat white benefactor. or, was this just mccain politickin' and extending the proverbial bi-partisan olive branch? either way, it was awkward and strange.

2. wall street "bad," main street "good:" i can't tell you why but i found this whole wall street vs. main street thing very clever and effective. is this a common and known phrasing to distinguish betwixt the phat cats on wall street as opposed to the normal, corn fed lot on main street? since both candidates were using it and using it quite liberally, i doubt this phrase was just coined that night. either way, i was amused and every time someone said "main street" it made me think of disneyland :)

3. no commercials: really, no commercials??? it's bad for the debators, it's bad for the bloggers and it's bad for the economy. it's not like the debators are merely just standing their and reading a pre-fed speech off the teleprompter either. for one thing, they're standing, which isn't easy, and i'd imagine this is probably one of the most taxing ordeals you could ever put your brain through. we can't give these fellas one 10 minute break??? it's tough for bloggers too. i actually peed into a bucket in my living room just so i wouldn't miss anything. for that two minute span i almost devolved into a middle american and nearly signed up for the military and said a prayer. and, most importantly, it's bad for the economy. c'mon, the debate is a ratings bonanza... let's sell some shizz!

4. o'bama needs "hatchet, not scalpel:" i'd like to consider myself a wordsmith and finely tuned into all matters of word choice and diction. this is why i almost slid out of my seat when i heard o'babma say he needed to use a "hatchet, not a scalpel" in regards to fixing the broken economy. now, i believe phrases like this are chambered and decided upon with your handlers and speech writer type guys beforehand as opposed to just coming off the top of your head. but why a "hatchet and not a scalpel?" because barack has been accused of being an "elitist," meaning he hails from the world of academia, deals in nuance and gives thoughtful, wordy answers. now, who uses a scalpel? the educated and creative; doctors and artists use scalpels as it's a tool of fine, thoughtful movements utilized to dissect and carve. while a hatchet is an axe; a crude tool of broad, sweeping movements. injuns and rednecks use hatchets to hack wood, scalps and in-laws. this was o'bama eliciting thoughts of impulsive, decisive action as to distance himself from the world of academia and center himself on the political landscape to appeal to the thoughtless, fuddy duddies of america.

5. warshington's "orgy of spending:" see, he did it again!!! o'bama referred to the government's loose purse strings as an "orgy of spending." just like with before, he's centering himself and appealing to the undecided, right leaning contingency. when middle america hears "orgy," their jesus crosses burn an imprint into their chest. and here, o'bama is eliciting this feeling and attributing it to warshington, the current administration and republicans. orgies = sin, warshington = sin and republicans = sin. oh no, the republicans sinned!!! hell hath no fury on the economy like an angry god's scorn... must mean it's time for o'bama to ride in on his half white steed, clean house and give warshington back to jesus!

6. john mccain is NOT "miss congeniality:" john boy made this comment not only once but twice. of course, we all know what he was trying to say - mainly that he's tough and not one to go along party lines just for the sake of staying buddy buddy with "team republican" when there's some serious reform and presidential butt kickin' to be doled out. however, this was a curious phrase to turn since john boy's running mate, sarah palin, was named "miss congeniality" in a miss alaska pageant from the 80s. this begs the question: is it good or bad to be named "miss congeniality." will palin's congeniality compliment and make up for john boy's lack there of or did he make a booboo and add too much congeniality to the gop's ticket?

7. o'bama doesn't know the difference betwixt "tactic and strategy:" yes, john boy accused o'bama of not understanding the subtle differences betwixt the words when they debated the iraq war. i thought about it and i don't know if i know the difference either other than a "strategy" is something that fosters and comes before a "tactic?" anyway here's what www.dictionary.com has to say: "in military usage, a distinction is made between strategy and tactics. strategy is the utilization, during both peace and war, of all of a nation's forces, through large-scale, long-range planning and development, to ensure security or victory. tactics deals with the use and deployment of troops in actual combat." neat.

8. the battle of the bracelets: first off, i blame lance armstrong for all this bracelet nonsense; what started off as cute and kitschy has gone full blown ridiculous and annoying. as john boy is trying to rationalize the war in iraq he harkens back to a flimsy, rubber bracelet some mother of a fallen soldier gave mccain and asked him to "make sure her son's death was not in vain." but o'bama would not be outdone… nay!!! he busted out his own bracelet that another mother of a fallen soldier gave to him and asked to "make sure no more mothers have to go thorough this" - meaning dying for a phony war. this was easily the most embarrassing part of the debate. poor o'bama even had to take a beat and read off the name of the fallen soldier from his notes. also, how many bracelets do they think they’re given and how do they decide which one to use in primetime? i think o'bama should've just pulled up his sleeve and said "i have a bracelet too; it's for type 2 diabetes mellitus and it let's people know i may need a cookie or insulin if i am comatose" game, set, match: o'bama.

9. obama "taking them (pakistan) out": woah, o'bama does NOT like pakistan. it's as if he just threw a dart at the middle east to decide where he would take his macho, blowhardy stand just to show team republican that he wasn't a milquetoast, weenie. but, wow... when he actually used the phrase of "taking them out" even a macho, war mongerer like mccain looked shocked. did anyone else know about pakistan being such a rabblerouser??? i sure haven't. i've heard about iraq, iran, north korea and russia... but "taking them (pakistan) out???" like, woah.

10. o'bama didn't "um" or stutter: i found this the most impressive part of the debate. o'bama was an ummin,' stutterin' machine. do people realise how difficult a thing this is to kick? much less at a tension filled forum like a debate in from of the whole country. of course, all the "ums" and stuttering is because o'bama's brain is a churnin' with a bazillion thoughts and ideas at once, but still... on the other hand, john boy still spewed out one "my friends" and still hasn’t kicked that creepy arm thing that makes him look like he’s wading through a cold crick.

ba dum BLOG!!!

gaudy, empty trinkets of blog

2008-09-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

does anybody actually wear their high school, class ring? wait, let me reblog that: has anybody who actually spent the three hundred dollars it took to buy a class ring look at it collecting dust in their closet and say "ahhhh, high school... really takes me back" as opposed to becoming riddled with regret over all the things they wish they could spend that money on now? and yes, i realise that many of your parents bought you your ring but wouldn't you have rather they spent that money on an extra meal card for you in college (assuming you ring wearing mongoloids got into college) or, god forbid, spent the money on themselves? seriously, these rings have gotta' be one of the biggest scams on earth. i hope jostens (you know, the class ring company... ) is one of the casualties of our economic doldrums. and, i know this is hard to believe but while i was emotionally and socially waaaaaaay behind the curve in high school, i was still evolved enough to not even feign a modicum of interest in these gaudy, empty trinkets of forced nostalgia. it's not even really a keepsake either. a high school keepsake is the lucky shirt you wore when you lost your virginity or the bottle of malted liquor that gave you your first overnight drunk. wait, let me reblog this, as well, since i wasn't cool enough to have lost my virginity in high school, much less actually get invited to a party where your peers drank malted liquor and talked to girls: a high school keepsake is the vhs tape of a backyard wrestling match your friends put on or that nintendo 64 controller you used to beat chris sorenson with in game of "nfl blitz" (two people will get these references, counting me).

you people watch that show "weeds?" it's okay, nothing to write home to mom about but i wouldn't kick it out of bed for eating crackers either. anyway, i only watch the seasons after they come out on netflix because i don't get the showtime channel. however, even without being up on the current season's storylines, i have been made aware by my beloved pornorazzi sites (thank you, www.drunkenstepfather.com) that the show's star, mary louise parker, has not only gotten nude once, but twice!!! how does this happen? how does the show's star, who hasn't even gotten naked once during the first three seasons, all of a sudden show her boobies, twice?!?!?! was this in her contract, were ratings down or was mary louise just feeling frisky fun and fancy free? this had to be a ratings grab, right? but why would mary louise agree and how would the director even broach this subject? that's what i don't get about hollywood. do all these smoking hot celebrities like getting naked for all to see or are they just that into their "craft" where they legitimately think the nudity is important to the character and the story and not just due to the director's and the general hoi polloi's perversions. i mean, i'm not complaining but am intrigued by the whole process, nonetheless. how great must it be to be an actor? dudes almost never have to show their wiener but get to grind up against hot celebrity's naked bodies all the time just in the name of "acting." how do they not get boners??? i feel light headed just blogging about it.

ba dum BLOG!!!

editor's note: i have made an executive, editorial decision that ba dum BLOGger will NOT blog on the weekends. not because he can't, but because we need to keep up the allusion of some sort of social life that would preclude him from blogging every SINGLE day... it's just bad for his image. also, 10 "ba dum BLOGateer cool dude points" for anyone who gets the reference of the second pic.